Renee and Sam stared at a wide expanse, which stretched from the studio far into the Snyders’ property. Those three acres loomed much larger than the couple had expected, although Eric seemed to have that space fully appropriated; to the right of the studio would be his new storage facility, which according to Eric would be completed before the Fourth of July. But one outbuilding wouldn’t begin to fill the area that remained. “Are you sure you didn’t clear too much space?” Renee asked, standing beside her husband. She peered at the broken sod, so much light spilling into the garden, or what would be garden, one of these days.
Eric chuckled, then flanked Renee, motioning to the immediate ground. “I want grass here, so Jane has plenty of space to run. That tree at the edge is gonna be a treehouse. The swing set will go here and a sandbox there and….”
“And the boysenberry vines?” Sam asked. “Where’re they gonna go?”
Now Eric laughed. “Those, my friend, will skirt around the perimeter out of the reach of little ones. In part so we get berries from them, and so they don’t get scratched up playing out here.” Eric stepped several feet into the lumpy sod. “It’s gonna be a work in progress, but in two or three years, just when Jane’s ready, you’ll never know all this was once scrub.”
Sam chuckled, joining where Eric stood. “All right, just as long as you get the berry vines in first.”
“That’ll be right after the storage building’s done. We’ve got what looks to be a pretty healthy crop for this year, maybe it was good to prune those.” Eric pointed to the mass of vines along the back of the sunroom. “But yeah, get the outbuilding done, then more plants, and some of this put into lawn.” He stomped on a few large dirt clods. “I don’t want it to be a huge mud hole come autumn.”
Renee faced the house, wishing she had stayed inside, where Lynne fed the baby. Renee didn’t care what the Snyders did to the backyard, well, she hoped for more berries of course. But it would be two years before Jane was solidly on her feet and as far as Renee knew, Lynne didn’t want to try for another child until at least next spring. Lynne had gotten fitted for a diaphragm, for the couple had tired of condoms, and an IUD seemed invasive. The women talked about contraception as if Renee wasn’t Catholic, and she wished she could have as easily spoken with Frannie about such issues. Renee was still troubled when thinking about Sam’s sister, but she wasn’t sure how much Fran’s confinement had stirred her now overwhelming desire to adopt. Renee had a hard time not nagging Sam about it, although every time they visited the Snyders, Sam seemed a little closer to at least investigating the possibility.
“Renee, c’mere a minute.” Sam held his arm out to her. “Tell us what you think about how far the grass should go.”
She turned back to the men, shrugging her shoulders. “Like I have any idea about that. I’m going inside. You guys decide that sorta thing.”
Promptly she headed to the house, finding Lynne no longer in the living room. But Renee could hear her softly singing to Jane from what sounded like in the nursery. The Aherns had arrived just as Jane started crying for lunch and Renee hadn’t gotten a chance to hold her. Now Lynne was putting the baby down for a nap and Renee wanted to slug Samuel for insisting she inspect the backyard. What did she care about the exterior? Far more important things were inside the Snyders’ home.
Renee didn’t speak, but Lynne’s gentle voice tugged on Renee’s heart. Renee didn’t want to adopt an infant, for that would be too much for Sam to cope with. But perhaps a small child, maybe two or three years old, probably three so neither would have to deal with potty training. A three or four-year-old who needed parents and Renee brushed away tears, hearing Lynne’s footsteps approach. Renee smiled, blinking away the last wetness, then she met Lynne at the bottom of the stairs. “She fall asleep?” Renee asked.
Lynne nodded. “Went out before she got to the second breast. She’s having a growth spurt I think, because she ate like a pig this morning, then needed more, but actually there wasn’t much to give her. Good thing she fell asleep. Time for me to replenish.”
Renee chuckled, having heard the same thing many times over from her and Sam’s sisters. Then Renee thought of Frannie and had to hide her scowl. “Well, let’s get you fed. Those husbands of ours are lost to the wonders of landscaping.”
“Sorry you got roped into going out there,” Lynne said as they entered the kitchen. “I’d have preferred a chat, but Eric wanted to show off what he wants to do.”
Lynne sat as Renee pulled cold cuts and cheese from the fridge. “Well, I realize that, but that’s man stuff. Babies are far more important in my opinion.”
Renee shivered as she spoke, then she gripped the counter, saying a quick prayer. Why was Frannie having yet another child, two children? For what possible reason, then Renee shook her head. She got Lynne a glass of water, then brought the sandwich fixings to the table. “Oh, forgot the bread.” She turned back, grabbing the loaf, when Lynne reached for Renee’s shoulder.
The women shared knowing gazes. Then Lynne led Renee to the closest chair, pulling hers in front. Lynne grasped Renee’s trembling hands, then wiped away tears that Renee couldn’t hide. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Renee shook her head. Fran was still quite ill and on days when not working with vets, Sam drove to the Canfields to help with Helene and Johnny. That little boy would be in kindergarten in the fall, but for now the two at home were more than Fran could care for. Once school was out, she would have plenty of assistance, but that was still a few weeks away. Renee didn’t begrudge the time Sam was gone, but she couldn’t separate her anger from the reason for his absences, which sometimes coincided with her days off. Renee could have accompanied her husband, but it was just too hard to be around Frannie, Helene, and Johnny. Never had Renee felt any of her or Sam’s youngest relatives were unapproachable, and she certainly didn’t feel that way about Jane. Renee gripped Lynne’s hands, then nodded. But she didn’t speak, as if all of her feelings were understood by a woman who for many years had known the full extent of Renee’s heartache.
“Have you talked any more about adoption?” Lynne’s tone was soft.
Renee shook her head. “He doesn’t wanna hear it, although every time we leave here, he brings it up. Then when I try to say something, he shuts down. That’s the worst part, I mean….” Then Renee sighed. That wasn’t the worst. The worst was thinking about Frannie, two more babies, and no obvious purpose to that blessing. It was a blessing, Renee could admit to herself, sort of like how Eric turned into a hawk, or used to turn into one. He hadn’t altered since last November and now Seth was better and…. “Lynne, I need to get something off my chest, but you have to promise you won’t hate me afterwards.”
Lynne smiled, caressing Renee’s damp cheek. “Honey, I love you. You can tell me anything.”
Renee wasn’t sure about Lynne’s earnest tone, but if she didn’t speak about this, it would drive her crazy. “It’s about Fran and the twins. I just….”
Heavy footsteps halted Renee’s next words. “Hey, time for lunch yet, or is someone else still eating?” Eric spoke quietly, but enthusiastically. Then he paused. “Uh, should we give you a minute?”
Renee stood, taking a deep breath, wiping the last of her tears. “Nope, otherwise you’ll starve. I was just making Lynne some lunch so someone else has food for later.”
Sam had entered the kitchen right after Eric, but Renee kept her gaze from her husband. The last thing she wanted was for Sam to know her heart, at least when it came to Frannie. Yet he seemed unwilling to listen to her about other issues, but Renee brushed that aside. “So, what’ll it be, ham or turkey or….”
“You and Lynne make yourselves comfortable on the patio,” Eric said. “Let us guys make lunch.”
Renee nodded, stepping around Sam, not looking to see if Lynne was on her heels. Renee quickly walked through the living room, went out via the French doors, and had plopped into a patio chair before anything else could be noted.
On the drive home, the Aherns said nothing to each other, but many thoughts ran through their minds. Renee continued to berate herself for wishing Fran and Louie weren’t having more children and feeling guilty that she had nearly shared that sentiment with Lynne. Sam wondered why his wife was so moody; she’d just had her period, but maybe that had again reminded her of…. He nearly shrugged, but stopped himself, not wishing to stir up anything. Then he sighed. Ignoring whatever was bugging her wouldn’t alleviate the situation. “Renee, are you okay?”
For a few seconds she didn’t respond, staring out her window. Then she took a deep breath, making Sam shiver. Usually after they left the Snyders, he couldn’t help but think about what a child might bring to his and Renee’s lives. Not a baby and Renee knew that, but was that the problem? Did she actually want them to adopt….
Sam had considered a slightly older child, well, much older than little Jane, who he had only seen in passing that day. After a stilted lunch was shared on the patio, Renee made their goodbyes, although Sam had wanted to stay longer, but that was probably because once he was alone with Renee this awkwardness would again emerge. Jane had slept all through the meal, which gave Lynne time to eat, and she had, two sandwiches in addition to glasses of milk, water, and juice. Eric mentioned that Jane was growing like a weed, but Sam had barely gotten a peek at her, although she’d flashed those blue eyes his way. At ten weeks old she still had blue eyes. Maybe, like everybody had been telling him, she was going to keep those blue peepers, but Sam wouldn’t be surprised if they did turn brown after time.
Since Jane’s birth, time had been a funny notion for Sam, for within those two and a half months, he had undergone a vast healing, yet it was hedged by Frannie’s odd news and Renee’s strange irritability. Time either sped far too fast, like when he was at the Snyders, or even at work. He acknowledged that Seth’s recuperation was a part of that, as if Seth was one of the vets Sam counseled. But when alone with Renee, time had started to drag, which had never been the case around his wife except for right after Sam came home from Korea. Until Renee had slapped him, her visits had felt like years instead of the brief minutes they had actually encompassed, but then once she let him have it, suddenly they were back to who they had been, or mostly who they had been, before he went to basic training. He’d still had several months of recovery ahead of him, but a wall had been torn down, probably the way Seth felt now that electro-shock therapy had brought him some peace. Laurie sent Sam updates when there was a new development, and the latest news had made Sam’s heart leap; Seth’s doctor had decided to end the electric shock treatments. Dr. Tasker felt Seth had made enough headway that traditional therapies could be resumed. Not that Seth hadn’t been in counseling sessions for the last two months, but until he had been freed from that paralyzing black cloud, no amount of words or even Eric’s amazing paintings could lift that suffocating malaise.
Sam felt it there in the car as Renee kept taking awkward breaths, not saying a word. But what could he offer other than he prayed for them to make the right choice. And for now, Sam wasn’t convinced that investigating adoption was the best option. Then he shook his head. He wasn’t even ready to get past looking into it while if Renee had her way, they’d drive to the nearest orphanage and bring home….
Sam blinked, then nearly pulled over. Fortunately the light turned yellow and he stopped. Jane was Eric and Lynne’s treasure, even if she had blue eyes. Sam knew his limitations and while he adored his latest godchild, an infant as placid as Jane Renee would be too much for him, and that was if Renee did cut back on work. She’d told him that, the last time they drove away from the Snyders; she would only work part time, or less, whatever their budget allowed. They could sell not only the canvas of the three hawks, but the other landscape, just keeping the blue barn. With the profits, she wouldn’t need to work more than twenty hours a week, occasionally picking up an extra shift if absolutely necessary. Sam wouldn’t shoulder parenthood all on his own, and it certainly wouldn’t involve bottles, diapers, and potty training. Neither Ahern was keen on those aspects.
When Sam went to the Canfields, his biggest task was keeping Helene and Johnny quiet so Fran could rest. Sally and the other kids only had two more weeks of school, then Sam wouldn’t need to stop in, although he still would to make sure Fran was all right. And depending on how she felt during summer, Sam would drive over there to give Sally, Will, and Jaime a break. Those three eldest deserved some play time, they weren’t responsible for running the household. That was Fran’s job, but until she was well again…. Then Sam blanched. Fran was forty-five and assuming she was like their mother Marjorie, she might not be done having kids for another four or five years. Marjorie Ahern had delivered Sam’s youngest sister Joan just days shy of her forty-eighth birthday. At the time, Sam hadn’t given it much thought, other than yes, his mom was pregnant again. But as an adult, it made Sam slightly blush to realize that his parents had been held to the same tenant that now caused Fran so much anguish. Not that she didn’t want the babies; Sam knew she did, but how many offspring were she and Louie supposed to have?
Marjorie Ahern had never complained, but then Sam hadn’t been listening for those kinds of sentiments. But times were changing, not all of Sam’s siblings had hordes of kids. Joan, for instance, had three daughters, but that wasn’t because Joanie had a hard time. She and her husband Russell seemed to have more modern views about contraception, but Joanie was the youngest Ahern, sixteen years younger than Frannie. Sam’s mother had been like Frannie, an older mom, but once she started having kids, she didn’t stop until nature stepped in. If Sam and Renee did adopt, older children would be better, for Sam was already thirty-five, Renee a year his junior. If he did become a father, and that was still a big if, he didn’t want to be an older dad.
The light turned green and Sam accelerated, not thinking about whatever Renee wanted to say, but felt unable to broach. He considered his siblings, all eight of them, and that Joan had the fewest kids. Well, Sam smirked to himself, he didn’t have any, neither did his brother Ted, who was a priest. But of those who could procreate, Joanie had just her girls. Russell didn’t seem to need a son and what if one of those first two girls had been a boy? Would there have even been a third? Sam would never ask Joan or Russell, that was their private business. But Joan Ahern McCampbell wasn’t like her oldest sister, who seemed to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Why was it so easy, perhaps too easy, for Fran and Louie, while others never experienced that joy?
Sam pondered that, then found himself pulling into his driveway. He thanked God for getting them home safely, for Sam had been so lost in thought he’d driven on auto-pilot. Then he killed the engine, gazing at his wife. Renee’s splotchy face was streaked with tears. Guilt overwhelmed Sam and he reached over the gear box, trying to embrace her. But Renee pulled away, getting out of the car, heading for their front door.
Within a minute, Sam was inside their house, hearing her blowing her nose from their bedroom. He waited until she was done, then he walked in that direction as residual sniffles continued. All that time she’d been crying and he hadn’t noticed; that had never happened before. Then he wanted to kick himself; she truly wanted to be a mother. He wanted to be a father; he couldn’t deny it, so why was he being so reticent? Of what was Sam so afraid?
“Renee, honey, I’m….” He stopped speaking, finding her curled into a ball in the middle of their bed. Immediately he slipped off his shoes, then lay beside her, stroking her long hair. She hadn’t cut it in a while and it spread across the mattress like fire. Then Sam shook his head. What she wanted wasn’t bad, he was just being a boorish jerk like she’d claimed when she gave him the what-for about the New Yorkers. Renee had laid into Sam about Laurie and Stanford, and he probably deserved another helping. “Renee, honey, I love you. Please, can we talk about this?”
She struggled to free herself from his embrace and Sam shivered, not wanting to let her go. “Renee, I’m sorry baby, I don’t wanna fight, oh Re
nee….”
She had succeeded in escaping from his grasp, but not because Sam had willingly relinquished her. Now she sat on her side of their bed, staring out the window. Sam sat up, but didn’t go to her side. “Renee, please forgive me. I’m sorry I didn’t see you were upset, I was thinking about….” He bit his tongue. No way could he tell her, although maybe that was their problem. Neither was being honest with the other. “Renee, honey, can you look at me?”
She shook her head, gripping the comforter, turning her knuckles white.
Sam ached to touch her hands, then turn her face his way. Instead he prayed, then took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Renee, can I tell you what I was thinking about in the car?”
She barely nodded.
Sam sighed. “I was thinking about how Joan and Russell just have their girls. I was wondering if they’d had a boy first, or second even, if they would’ve had Megan. That’s what I was wondering. That Frannie’s gonna have the twins and with her luck she’ll be pregnant again after that and….”
“She shouldn’t even have the twins.”
Sam blinked. Renee’s voice hadn’t been more than a whisper, but the strength of her conviction couldn’t be missed. “What’d you say?”
“You heard me Sam. I won’t repeat it.”
A cold sweat poured over Sam, not for her words, but that instantly he agreed with her. In a perfect world, Frannie shouldn’t have those babies, for she already had four sons and three daughters, and why in God’s name was she pregnant again? Then Sam’s rational mind lost ground, thinking of how beautiful Helene was, and of the painting Eric had made of Fran, Sally, and that adorable toddler when Helene wasn’t any bigger than Jane Renee. If God’s plan was for the Canfields to have another baby, two of them even, who was Sam to argue?
And if they had more…. Sam wouldn’t consider that thought, or the plausible excuses why it wasn’t a good idea. Who was he to assume anything when he’d cared for Eric in the most inexplicable moment, or held that man’s daughter just an hour after she was born? Who knew why God did any of the things he did, from new babies to war to…. Sam felt a rising annoyance, which turned into prickly anger. Only once before had he been this furious, when speaking with Lynne about…. Yet, she hadn’t been lying, Eric did turn into a hawk, or he used to. Then Sam rolled his eyes. Most likely Eric wasn’t done transforming, just like Frannie would probably get pregnant again. But those situations weren’t bad, not in the grand scheme. Eric’s long absence had allowed for Jane’s conception, not to mention healing Eric’s foot. And while it seemed excessive for Fran and Louie to have more children, who knew what might happen to them? President Kennedy’s older brother had been killed in World War II, his sister dead in a plane crash a few years after the war. There was no telling what the future held and babies were lovely. A lot of work, Sam would admit, but….
Renee stood, then faced him. Now her coloring was ashen, but her eyes were so bright that Sam trembled. “The last thing Fran and Louie need are more kids. She’s sicker than a dog and can’t even care for the ones she’s got. All Sally and Will are doing this summer will be taking care of their mother and siblings and what kind of life is that for a couple of teenagers? It’s not fair Sam, not to Fran and Louie, goodness only knows how they’re gonna make ends meet now. It’s not fair to them or Sally and Will or to….”
“To who Renee?” Sam said, standing from the bed. “To who?”
She tried not to break down, but failed, strangled sobs forced from her throat as were words that made Sam cringe but what he couldn’t ignore. “To us Sam. Here we are, no kids in sight, and she’s gonna have two more, two more! What the hell kinda sense does that make?” Renee stared at the ceiling, nearly raising her fist. Instead she motioned across their bed. “We can barely even make love, let alone a baby. I don’t begrudge Lynne and Eric, they’ve been through the hell we’ve suffered, and thank God he had enough compassion to spare them any more torture. But what about us Sam, what about me? I want your baby, but I can’t have it. I’d be happy to adopt a child, but that doesn’t seem to matter to you, so all right, fine. I won’t bring it up again. I guess I know how you feel, ’cause obviously you don’t wanna talk about it, so I suppose that’s all you need to say on the subject. So fine Sam, we can’t have kids and we won’t have kids. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a walk. You couldn’t even see how upset I was in the car, I certainly don’t need your pity now.”
Before Sam could move, Renee raced from their room, then he heard the front door slam. But he was so shocked by her statement that even if she’d calmly walked past, he still wouldn’t have been able to move. Sam tried to breathe, allowing all of her words to settle in his chest, which for the first time since she slapped him in the hospital was once again a vast cavernous space aching to be filled.
Chapter 63