Laurie wrote to Stanford, but didn’t mention Seth’s latest tumble into insanity, how Laurie thought of what Seth had revealed concerning the hawk. Laurie also corresponded with Lynne, and yet with her, he nearly brought up what now Seth harped upon every time Laurie visited. Laurie had reduced his visits, which he explained to Sheila and Mickey was due to the lack of progress Seth was making. Yet, Dr. Sellers thought Seth had achieved a significant breakthrough; now this previously subdued patient had plenty to say, mostly about one of Eric’s paintings, that of a structure filled with all those who had been killed in…. There Seth stopped speaking, but Dr. Sellers had a good idea of who waited in that blue barn.
The blue barn dominated Seth’s conversations with the doctor, but when Laurie visited, now Seth only wanted to convince his cousin that the hawk was indeed Eric Snyder. If Seth had wished to talk about any other subject, Laurie would be ecstatic, calling his aunt and mother with favorable news. Dr. Sellers had notified Wilma that shock treatments were no longer necessary. Seth was still receiving Thorazine, but the dosage had been reduced. Seth’s mother hadn’t inquired about more than when her son might be released and while Dr. Sellers hadn’t given a timetable, his mood was far more positive than a month ago. To the doctor, a miracle of sorts had occurred, which was tied into the hawk. That Seth happened to think that creature was a human being was irrelevant. As long as Seth kept up his end of the dialog, Dr. Sellers had an opening into his patient’s psyche.
Nearing the end of September, Laurie had decided to go home. His visits with Seth had turned into nothing more than shouting matches, or Laurie raising his voice. Seth still insisted that the hawk was Eric, and while Laurie had no idea where Eric actually was, he was tired of fighting a losing battle. Stanford was beginning to show signs of again slipping into depression, for neither man knew where Eric had gone, and how many times had Laurie almost called Lynne, asking that very question. Yet, she had plenty on her plate, and not only Jane and pregnancy. The Aherns were in the process of adopting a child, which Laurie thought was wonderful. He ached to go west to offer Lynne his help, even if she never hinted that her husband was missing. But more Laurie needed to fly north. Agatha had called the Goldsmiths, first talking to Sheila, finally reaching Laurie. Stanford was working far too many hours, coming home often after Agatha had left for the day. He was thin, nervous, and in her tender tone, required more than her companionship. Laurie completely agreed. He made a reservation to fly to New York on Friday the twenty-seventh. He had been in Florida coming on four months, and other than a good suntan had little to show for all that time away.
He still parked in the back of the lot, but far from where that hawk had bullied him into staying. Killing the engine, Laurie gazed to the far side of the lot where that damned bird had practically assaulted him. Laurie got out of the car, pocketing Sheila’s keys. He hadn’t been to see Seth since the end of last week, and now on Tuesday Laurie felt this would be his last trip to Kerr Mental Hospital. Slowly he walked toward the building, stepping around stones that before he would have kicked with force. Yes, Seth was animated. But what was the point of speaking with someone whose grip on reality was almost negligible.
Laurie gave his name to the receptionist, then quietly said Seth’s name. His tongue felt bruised, then Laurie straightened his shoulders, walking along the corridor. He stopped at the restroom, relieved himself, then washed his hands. Approaching Seth’s door, Laurie swallowed hard. Suddenly the finality of this visit hit him. He glanced back down the hallway, wishing one of Eric’s paintings hung here. Laurie had admired the two in Minnesota, then he pondered if perhaps Eric was staring at those canvases, wondering if he would ever see his wife and children again. Laurie wiped away a solitary tear. Once he was home and Stanford’s mental health had been assessed, Laurie would investigate Eric’s absence. Then Laurie shook his head, slowly turning the doorknob in front of him.
He swung open the door, seeing Seth on the far side of the room, seated facing the window. Seth met Laurie’s gaze, a smile on Seth’s face. Laurie didn’t grin back, closing the door firmly behind him. “Hi,” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” Seth continued to smile, glancing at the window, then at Laurie. Then he stood, and Laurie wanted to gasp. Seth wore jeans, although not with a belt, and a white t-shirt. Seth’s previous attire had been standard hospital fare, pajama-type pants and blousy shirts that were several sizes too large. Laurie’s heart throbbed; if not for Seth’s ridiculous claims about the hawk, he appeared as well as Laurie had seen him in…. He looked like the man with whom Laurie had attended last fall’s exhibit in New York, the man Stan claimed to have seen in that packed gallery, where once again Seth had admired the blue barn. His eyes were the most stunning markers, for to Laurie the blue of Seth’s irises was as rich as…. Laurie looked at the floor, seeing Seth’s feet clad in sneakers. Patients usually went barefoot, but this man didn’t look at all like he needed to be locked away.
He needed to be set in front of damp clay. He needed to be among family who loved him, he needed…. He required years of therapy because again he called the hawk Eric. “We’ve been waiting for you,” Seth said. “Eric has something he wants to show you.”
“Oh for God’s sake.” Laurie sat on the mattress, for his legs wobbled. “Listen, I came to tell you….” Laurie cleared his throat. “I’m going home on Friday. Stan needs me.”
“What’s wrong with Stanford?” Seth stepped to where Laurie sat. “Is he all right?”
Conflicting emotions teemed within Laurie; he wanted to slap this man, then hug him so tightly all this nonsense about Eric would fall away. Then Laurie would make another reservation, taking Seth where this hawk would never find him. They wouldn’t speak of this again; Laurie would make Seth swear to it as if they were kids playing games. Laurie trembled as Seth placed his hand upon Laurie’s shoulder. Seth squeezed gently, like their roles had been swapped. But Laurie’s sanity wasn’t in question. He took a deep breath, wanting to push away Seth’s hand, wanting to knock his cousin into the middle of next week, where Laurie wished to be, far from Florida and birds of prey and…. “Stanford’s worried sick about Eric.” Laurie removed Seth’s hand, but not with force. Then Laurie sighed. “After I make sure he’s okay, I’m gonna call Sam. There’s gotta be a reason why he hasn’t been in contact with Stan and….”
Seth’s deliberate smile made Laurie sick to his stomach. “Sam knows where Eric is. He’ll tell you the same as I’ve been, then maybe you’ll believe me, well, unless you don’t come see what Eric left for you.” Seth faced the window, then met Laurie’s gaze. “He wasn’t sure if you were coming back. I knew you would, but he wasn’t as certain. Laurie, come see.”
“What in the hell are you talking about? Sam has no idea, well, maybe….” If Eric had checked himself into an institution, the Aherns would know. But why not tell Stanford? It wasn’t a crime, unless Eric thought it might affect the European tour. Still, Laurie mused, trying not to look across the room, perhaps Eric didn’t want Stan or Laurie to worry about him, not with Seth so…. Having pulled up the chair, Seth now sat across from Laurie. He tried to grasp Laurie’s hands, but Laurie tucked them under his armpits. Seth laughed, then leaned back in his seat. He didn’t speak, merely staring at Laurie with the oddest smile on his face.
“What?” Laurie was angry, but equally troubling was a nagging at the back of his brain. Stanford’s voice resonated, yet the words weren’t clear.
“I didn’t want him here, not when he should be at home with Lynne and their daughter. Jane, right?”
“Yes, Jane.” Laurie’s tone was clipped. “He’s not here Seth, just stop this crap.”
“It does seem pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it? Like what I see in the barn. You didn’t think I was so crazy when I told you what I saw in there, did you?” Seth looked to the window. “But I didn’t know how he painted it, I didn’t understand what’d happened to him.” Seth faced Laurie. “But now, oh my God, it’s l
ike I can hear him, maybe because he’s so close, maybe because of how many times I went to see that painting. Maybe because of you. You were the only one who, who….” Seth paused, then quickly reached for Laurie’s hands, squeezing hard. “You were the only one who could walk alongside me. It wasn’t for Mom to do, but you did it, you volunteered, and I’m sorry I hurt you for so long. I’m sorry for…a lot of things.” Seth released Laurie’s hands, then stared at his own. “Dr. Sellers and I have plenty left to talk about. I killed Koreans Laurie, lots of them.” He faced the window. “I killed them because what’d it matter? Millions and millions died over there, Jews and gypsies and Poles and men like you.” Seth stared at his cousin. “You’re the most wonderful man I know and they killed men just like you. And so did I. I killed them over and over and over again.”
Seth stood, then knelt beside his cousin, wiping tears from Laurie’s cheeks. “Do you know why Eric painted that barn?”
Laurie shook his head, wanting to howl. Instead he bit his lip, then tasted blood. “No,” he mumbled.
“We had a long talk about it because I always thought if I knew why, then I’d know why I did what I did. I realized who Eric really was after Minnesota. All those hawks, my God, all those hawks.” Seth spoke softly, stroking Laurie’s hand. “He was all those hawks and I knew that, but it didn’t make sense until….” Seth’s voice cracked. “Until I got home last year. When I saw the barn in November, then it was like Jesus Christ, how did I miss it? I sculpted his foot half my life ago, and don’t tell me I didn’t.” Seth stood, but his bearing was shaky. He sat, placing his hands on Laurie’s knees. “We’ve never talked about that, but it’s the truth. So how Laurie, how did I do that?”
Laurie smirked. “I have no fucking idea.” He met Seth’s gaze. “You seem to have all the answers, you tell me.”
“Oh Laurie, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be….” Seth slumped back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Just come to the window. Then you’ll know.”
Laurie cleared his throat. “Tell you what. You just stay here. Stanford’s falling apart and I need to go home.” Laurie stood, then stared at the door. Maybe ten minutes had passed, no one would knock for another ten. He was stuck, but while the time would probably pass slowly, he needed to take note of it. Ten more minutes was all he had left to give this man.
Seth stood, standing beside his cousin. “I love you. I wouldn’t be here today if you hadn’t stuck your neck out for me time and again. All I’m asking is for you to look. You wanted me to look at that hawk, you said it yourself, how much it was like looking at one of Eric’s paintings. He is all those hawks Laurie, I swear to you. He really, really is.”
Laurie gripped him by the shoulders. “Seth, do you hear what you’re saying? They’ll never let you out with that bullshit running outta your mouth!”
Seth nodded. “I told Dr. Sellers that one day I might have to tell him differently so I could go home.”
Laurie backed away, then threw up his hands. “This’s exactly what I mean! Jesus Christ.” Laurie stepped to the door. He wanted to turn the handle, maybe it hadn’t locked behind him. He ached all over as if every word Seth spoke was a knife. This wasn’t fair, not for all the time Laurie had spent away from home, far from Stanford, who needed him. “Eric’s gone and I have to find out where before Stan loses it.” Laurie turned around, glaring at his cousin. “I’ve lost you, shit, you’ve been gone since….”
“Since I enlisted, I know. It’s been a long time and while I’ll never get those days back, and I can’t give them back to any of you….”
“No Seth.” Laurie marched to where Seth stood, leaving less than a foot between them. “You’ve been gone since we were sitting listening to the, to the….”
“Radio, until Mom and Aunt Rose made us go outside.”
Laurie’s lip trembled and it was sore from where he’d bitten it. “This’s wasting my time.” He turned back for the door. “Good luck Seth. Good luck and….”
A screech made Laurie stoop as if the hawk had found its way into the room. Laurie turned around, scanning the space, then an ear-splitting caw emerged, which nearly sounded hoarse coming from the animal’s throat. Laurie wanted to cover his ears, but he had to face this, this…. He was starting to understand how tenuous was one’s grip on reality, for he’d allowed himself to be bullied by that goddamn bird. “All right, all right.” He walked to the window, then pointed at it. “You tell me what’s waiting out there for me.”
“You have to look Laurie. It’s what I never wanted to do, but I had to, he made me.”
Laurie wanted to ask who. Instead he shook his head, then stole a brief glance at the courtyard. Then he gazed at Seth. “There’s nothing out there.”
Seth smiled. “You didn’t look Laurie. You have to really look.”
“Look at what?”
“The truth.” Seth stared out the window. “It’s been there the whole time, I just didn’t wanna see it. I felt I couldn’t, not with all I’d done. Laurie, I can’t tell you how much I regret that, maybe all these years have been my punishment. They couldn’t lock me up for enlisting, but I sure as hell built one fine prison.”
“Seth, please, stop this.”
“I can’t Laurie. Just look at the cement.”
Laurie sighed wearily. He gazed out, finding rocks on the ground, carefully arranged. He blinked several times while a chill overtook him, making his flesh crawl. “Oh my God, no fucking way.” Yet his voice wasn’t more than a whisper, for to acknowledge what sat plainly on the cement would be to succumb to a madness more harmful than anything Seth had suffered.
Then Laurie looked at Seth. “How’d you get out there, who’d you pay to write that?”
“No one. Laurie, I didn’t do it, Eric did.”
“Eric is not a goddamn hawk!” Laurie trembled in anger, also in great fear. “Seth, for the love of God, tell me who did that!”
Seth pointed to where the hawk sat, using its beak to poke at its right wing. “I told you; Eric Snyder is that hawk. He wrote that message, you can ask Dr. Sellers. He saw him moving the stones around, but Eric waited until he left to form the words. But he’ll tell you, Dr. Sellers will. It was the hawk who was moving them. No one ever goes out there, there’s no door to that space. That’s why it’s just concrete; whoever designed this place didn’t think about making it accessible, or not for people. Eric wrote that note Laurie. And I think you should do what it says.”
Laurie peered again at what was written on the ground: Call Lynne. Then he bent over, gripping his knees with his hands, trying to breathe. Seth stood beside him, rubbing his back. “Just call her, tell her he’s here. She knows, but has no idea you know. She’ll tell you, I can’t believe that he’d want to you call her unless she’d confirm it.”
“Stop it Seth, just….”
“I love you Laurie. I don’t wanna hurt you, I didn’t want him here, leaving her alone. But he came all this way to help me and….”
Laurie stood, similar words ringing in his head. Stanford had said the same; why had Eric once again left Lynne? It had been the first thing Seth noted, after Laurie told him that Lynne was again expecting, that Eric needed to go home, he needed to be with his family. Laurie glanced out the window, finding the hawk tapping its foot at the end of the message. Then that bird nodded its head, just like it had when Laurie tried to leave the parking lot. “This’s crazy,” he said.
“It’s not exactly explainable, but neither is why you’re still here.”
Laurie glared at Seth. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Why are you here Laurie?”
“Because I, I, I love you.”
“But why?”
“I, I dunno.” Then Laurie shook his head. “Because you’re my cousin, because we grew up together, because….”
“Because you’re the only one who could get me this far.” Seth set his hand over Laurie’s heart. “Because you see what others can’t, like Eric. But it’s not b
ecause you turn into a bird, but who you love, and I don’t mean just me.” Seth smiled, then gripped Laurie’s hands within his own. “You followed your heart, and you didn’t care if our mothers or sisters gave a shit. Uncle Aaron might’ve been unhappy, but you and Stanford looked the other way. You’ve always been able to see what others can’t, you saw what I could do, you’ve seen it all these years. I owe you my life Laurie, I owe you so much. And I am so, so sorry it’s taken this long, so much time wasted. And it’s not over, I know that.” Seth stared at the scars on his arms, then wiped tears from both of their faces. “The last couple of weeks I’ve thought about suicide because maybe it’s what I deserve for all the lives I stole. Maybe I shouldn’t be alive Laurie, but Eric flew all the way here to, to….” Seth smiled. “Save my life. We’ve never met, not properly, but he left his pregnant wife and their baby just to help me. And you’ve been here for months, you’ve never abandoned me. You told me you’d be the first to go and God, how I hated you for saying that. But I loved you too, I love you so much. Go call Lynne, then come back here. I’m not going anywhere, neither’s Eric. He told me he’ll be here as long as I need, and it’s gonna take time.” Again Seth gazed at his inner forearms. “Sometimes I don’t know why I’m even breathing. But then sometimes I know exactly why, because I’m not done yet. There’s still something for me to do, something good. I have to get well Laurie because there’s still something I need to do.”
Laurie sniffled, then shook his head. “What am I supposed to tell her?”
“Just ask her where Eric is. You’ve written about the hawk, and if you push the envelope, I can’t imagine she’d lie to you. Maybe to Stanford,” Seth smiled. “But not to you.”
The hawk made a soft cry, nearly sounding like an appeal. Laurie looked out the window, finding that bird in the same spot. But he didn’t tap his foot. Now his wings were crossed over the front of his body, and his gaze made Laurie shake. “She’ll think I’m crazy.”
“Just say that you know Eric’s gone, and ask where he is. Maybe it’s a code they set up in case this happened. Or maybe like I said, Lynne knows you’d understand. Call her Laurie, I dare you to prove me wrong.”
Swiftly Laurie turned to face Seth. But instead of reproaching him, he only sighed. Then a knock made both men jump as the door was opened. Dr. Sellers entered the room, a small smile on his face. “Mr. Abrams, are you ready?”
Seth gripped Laurie’s hand. “He needs to make a long distance call. Can you arrange that?”
The doctor nodded. “I’ll take care of the charges personally.”
Laurie sighed, then nodded. “Okay, I’ll call her, but what about….” He stared out the window. The hawk was moving stones to the corners of the courtyard. It didn’t look Laurie’s direction, busy with its task.
Seth released Laurie’s hand, then sat in the chair. Laurie walked to where the doctor waited, then followed him out of the room.
Ten minutes later, Laurie headed back down the hallway. His steps were slow, but his pulse raced. He went into the restroom, but couldn’t urinate. He did wash his hands, then splashed water on his face, drying it with the roller towel. He had told Dr. Sellers he only needed a few minutes with Seth. Then Laurie had errands to attend.
When he reached Seth’s door, he hesitated. Then he turned the knob, swinging the door wide. Seth was lying in bed, reading a book. He smiled at Laurie, setting down the novel. “Well?” he asked. “Was she home?”
Laurie nodded, but his mouth was so dry, he couldn’t imagine speaking. He stepped to the foot of Seth’s bed, then smoothed the already flat comforter. Then he sat down.
Seth scooted to where Laurie waited. “Did she tell you?”
“Yeah.” Laurie coughed, then took a breath. “She said she was glad I’d seen him.”
Seth gingerly patted Laurie’s hand. “Did she say anything else?”
“Just that she was relieved you were better. And to….” Now Laurie coughed hard. “To tell him she loves him. I’m supposed to tell Eric Lynne loves him and that Jane and the baby are fine.”
Seth gazed toward the window. “He moved all the rocks back. Not sure if he’s still out there. Sometimes he flies off and….”
Laurie stood, then headed for the window. The hawk was indeed waiting, poking at its right wing. How many times had Laurie joked with Eric that something special rested in his right arm. Lynne hadn’t wasted Laurie’s time; as soon as he had asked, prefaced only by Laurie noting that both he and Stanford were aware Eric was gone, Lynne volunteered that Eric had flown to Miami to see Seth. Had she used that particular verb unwittingly or…. But to make sure Laurie understood, Lynne added that Eric had been turning into a hawk since his childhood. That he had last made the transformation nearly two years ago when his father died. And that she prayed Seth was benefitting from Eric’s presence, and she hoped Laurie would understand. She hadn’t expounded upon that last sentence, maybe there wasn’t enough time in the world for her to explain. Yet Laurie needed one question answered before he left that afternoon, although he would return tomorrow. And on Thursday, but as for Friday…. He wasn’t sure if he could fly straight home. A trip west might be necessary first. But as soon as he reached the Goldsmiths’ house, Laurie would call Stanford. He’d decided to tell him that Eric had admitted himself into an institution. It was partly true, and while Stan wouldn’t be pleased, at least he would sleep without worrying that Lynne and Jane had no idea where Eric was.
But first Laurie turned around, staring at Seth. “Why’d he paint the barn?”
Seth sighed. “He got into a fight with a falcon. He’d been looking for his father and on the way home a falcon went after him. He didn’t kill it,” Seth said softly. “But he wounded it, and when he got home, he had scratches on his legs that Lynne had to bandage.”
Laurie peered at the hawk, who seemed to be nodding. Then Laurie gazed at Seth. “How do you know all this? Does he talk to you or….”
“How did you know you loved Stanford? How did I know to sculpt that man with a deformed foot, how did I know Eric was even a hawk to begin with? I have no idea, except that when he talks, I can understand him.” Then Seth inhaled deeply, letting it out slowly. “How did Norah know to show me her tattoo?”
“What?”
Seth approached Laurie, tenderly stroking his cousin’s upper left arm. “She asked if I was a sculptor, she said she wanted to help me. She didn’t know what I’d done in Korea, which wasn’t any different than what was done to all those she was imprisoned with. Maybe I killed a woman like her over there, I probably did. I killed a lot of human beings Laurie, people just as precious as every Jew who died, every Gypsy, every homosexual. Every Russian and Briton and Frenchman and German and Italian and American. They’re all dead, they were all people. And I added to that number, I’m no better than the men who dropped cyanide into the gas chambers. But for some reason, I’m forgiven. I don’t know why or how, but I have been. Norah forgave me, Eric did too. I need you to forgive me Laurie for hurting you, for keeping you from Stanford, for making you look out the window. Please Laurie, tell me you forgive me.”
Tears poured down Seth’s face and Laurie pulled him close, gripping him tightly. Laurie also wept, which precluded speech, but he hoped Seth understood. He must, for he howled, but the sound wasn’t painful. It was like clear running water drenching parched ground, seeping deeply into ragged cracks far into the earth. When Laurie felt words were possible, he set his lips near Seth’s ear. “I love you, I will always love you. I forgive you Seth, it’s all over now.”
Seth continued to cry and Laurie nodded, for it was far from over. But something had altered, not only the identity of one random bird of prey. Laurie continued to clutch Seth, gazing to the courtyard. The hawk was gone, but Laurie didn’t think Eric was heading home. Laurie would see Lynne well before her husband returned.
Chapter 135