Lynne spent the first week of November posing for her husband, but not in the studio. A sudden blast of Arctic air had descended, forcing the couple into the house, but Eric kept a fire burning, and Lynne never seemed cold lying naked in the sunroom. She wasn’t sure if being pregnant had elevated her body temperature, or maybe it was being made love to whenever Eric felt the need, which always seemed aligned to her desires. She was thankful he didn’t paint her blushing, for often that was how she felt, but not from being depicted once again in the buff. Her coloring was more ruddy than usual for the fervency with which Eric ravished her.
On the tenth, Lynne and Eric saw Dr. Salters, who pronounced Lynne in fine health. The fetus’ heartbeat was rapid and steady, and Eric said that he thought he had felt the baby’s movements, to which Dr. Salters smiled. Then she frowned, only momentarily, when Lynne mentioned having the baby at home. “Are you sure Mrs. Snyder?” the doctor asked.
Lynne nodded, grasping Eric’s hand. “I want my husband there, and Renee Ahern. And you, of course.” Lynne giggled, then sighed. “I want a very natural setting, unless complications arise.”
“Well, I haven’t attended a home birth in a while, but as long as things continue to proceed as they have.” Dr. Salters smiled. “I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Will anyone else be present?”
She glanced at Eric when she spoke, and he blushed, shaking his head.
“Well, Renee’s husband will hopefully be downstairs.” Lynne grinned. “Unless I get too loud.”
Dr. Salters gazed at both of them. “Is he, well….”
“He makes the best custard you’ve ever had.” Lynne laughed. “I’ll need all the fortifying nutrition possible after such an endeavor.”
“Well, yes you will.” The doctor stood, then shook their hands. “All right, I’ll be seeing you in the new year. Make an appointment for late January, and by then Mr. Snyder, I guarantee you’ll be feeling that baby.”
Eric nodded as Lynne led them from the office.
Eric said nothing on the drive home, and Lynne didn’t badger him. He’d been exceptionally quiet the last few days, but very busy with work. Lynne had been equally distracted, knitting booties and hats, sweaters and blankets. She had bought fabric and batting, to make the crib bedding, a project Renee would assist with over the winter. Lynne was five months pregnant, and she was glad to have now alerted her doctor to where she wanted to give birth. The only question Lynne had was if Eric would be with her.
She hadn’t missed the way he occasionally shook out his limbs, or when he clutched his gut, if he thought she wasn’t looking. He was going to transform, and probably before Thanksgiving, yet he hadn’t said boo to her about it. But in so many other ways, he was preparing for what might be another prolonged absence. He was painting with fierce determination, although he tenderly approached his wife. Lynne knew all these signs, and silently clucked to herself; did he think he was keeping this from her?
But while she wanted to speak to it, she remained still. The news from the East Coast wasn’t good, although it now sounded like once Seth could travel, Minneapolis would be his destination. Stanford and Laurie had been relieved for Sam’s recommendation, for while McLean Hospital was indeed appropriate, perhaps a change of scenery would benefit Seth. Laurie didn’t speak of that around his mother or aunt, but he and Stanford had talked about it extensively. Maybe Seth needed to be far from the East Coast, and from relatives who loved him, but didn’t comprehend how deeply his wounds festered.
When Eric passed along this news, he was particularly stoic, which had confirmed Lynne’s suspicions about his need to change form. But what had hit her the hardest was that maybe this time it wasn’t for his father. Perhaps Eric would travel to where another man required comfort, but even if Eric only went to Minnesota, at this time of year he might as well travel to the upper reaches of Canada. And what if he did attempt to fly to Vermont? Laurie wasn’t certain, in his last letter to Lynne, just when Seth might go to the Caffey-Miller Institute. And in reading between the lines, Lynne discerned that Laurie wasn’t even sure if Seth would make the journey.
She had put that from her mind; of course Seth would recover. She couldn’t think otherwise, but as that slipped from her head, she didn’t ignore another issue. As the Snyders reached their road, Eric slowed considerably. Lynne gripped his hand, and he clutched hers, then he let the vehicle idle along the pavement, only a few leaves twirling in front of them. Trees were bare, summer flora long dead. In two weeks Thanksgiving dinner would take place at the Aherns, with Christmas Eve celebrated there as well. Christmas Day was scheduled at the Snyders, and perhaps these would be the two couples’ new traditions. But as Eric was absent last year, would that custom also be revisited?
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Lynne spoke softly, still grasping her husband’s hand.
“Talk about what?”
She snorted. “Eric, you know about what.”
He revved the engine, then immediately took his feet from the pedals. The car barely registered, still winding along their street.
Lynne wanted to sigh, but held her tongue. She tried taking back her hand, but Eric increased the pressure. Then he picked up speed, reaching their driveway. He parked, killed the engine, then looked at her. “I don’t know this time, I can’t tell anything.”
She nodded, stroking his face. “I love you. I will always love you.”
“But, but….” His lip trembled, then he slammed his fists onto the steering wheel. “I do not wanna miss the baby, I don’t care about anything else.”
She leaned toward him, and he grabbed her, burying his face into the crook of her neck. Lynne fought tears, having never seen him so opposed to leaving. She didn’t want him to go either, but never had her wishes made any difference. And they wouldn’t now, she knew that too. But for the first time, Eric was visibly angered at the prospect. He was angry and fearful and….
The kisses were just pecks, then he found her lips. They necked for several minutes, then Eric got out of the car, went to her side, and helped her from the vehicle. Quickly they walked through the gate, to the house, where he led her straight to the sofa. He placed an afghan over the cushions, stripped his clothing, then assisted her. Then they were making love on the couch, and while the room was slightly cool, Lynne knew a great heat rising from her husband’s body, in part from their intimacy, and from the cauldron raging inside him.
When they were through, Eric panted hard, and Lynne felt just as flushed. He gripped her back, for she was sitting atop him, but the baby was a small impediment, which before Lynne hadn’t noticed. Eric then set his hands on her belly, closing his eyes. The baby was fluttering, but Lynne didn’t say anything, wondering if he could feel it. He had a long sigh, and she blinked away tears. “I don’t wanna miss this,” Eric almost wept. “I promised myself I wasn’t gonna miss any of this.”
“That’s a silly kind of promise to make.”
Opening his eyes, Eric looked at her. “Why?”
“Because you’re not that sort of man.” She laid one palm over his heart. The other she placed over his hands, the baby rustling just beneath her skin. “What’s making all that racket is solely due to you not being here this time last year. You are so special, and I love you, and if you have to leave….”
“There’s no if,” he scoffed. Then he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be cross.”
She nodded, keeping her hands right where she had placed them. “I know. I didn’t mean to insinuate you had a choice.”
He gazed into her eyes, and for the first time, Lynne felt their positions had reversed. Always before she was the one left behind while he soared through the heavens, experiencing vast pleasures. Now he looked terrified, and she bit her lip. He had been gone for five months before, which this time would be too long. The baby was due in March, and there was no way for Lynne to wait him out.
“I don’t wanna go,” he said so quietly that Lynne almost didn’t hear him
.
“When?” she whispered.
“Soon, too damn soon.”
Eric sighed, then his arms went slack. Lynne grasped his hands, kissing his knuckles. Then she caressed his face. “I’ll be here.”
“You and who knows who else. God honey, I’m sorry, you don’t need this.”
“I need you Eric. And now I know that no matter how long it takes, you will come home to me.”
She wanted to smile, but didn’t. Instead she kissed his lips, assured that whether he flew to see his father, or to visit Seth Gordon, Eric would eventually make his way back here. Yes, perhaps he would miss the birth of their baby, but in addition to that child, Lynne carried tremendous optimism. More offspring would follow, and he couldn’t skip them all. Although, she sighed inwardly, his absence might alter her plans. If he wasn’t here, what was the point of having the baby at home? She didn’t think about trying to explain her husband’s absence to Dr. Salters, or to Stanford and Laurie. And she wouldn’t have to enlighten a baby who would know his or her father no matter how often Daddy was away, or the length of those sojourns. Lynne had never lost any affection for Eric, her heart had always grown fonder. And his pain at the idea of leaving her was added insurance that no matter what happened, he would return.
The agony edged his eyes, which were fully human. Then Lynne shivered; would another prolonged trip be just as hard on him? Might he take even longer to transform? She inhaled deeply, then tears rolled down her cheeks. “Oh Eric, can you smell that?”
“What?”
She smiled. “Take a deep breath honey, please?”
He grimaced, then inhaled. As he let it out, he shook his head. But a second later, he took another breath, letting it out slowly. “Oh my God, that scent, like when I came home last March!”
She nodded, that beautiful aroma filling her lungs, seeping into every crevice. Even the baby noticed, for it stopped moving, then began to hiccup. Lynne laughed, putting Eric’s hand where the knocking was strongest. Then kicks were added as that scent wafted through the room. Lynne laughed as tears still poured down her face. She wasn’t sure why she chuckled, except that Eric did too, for a fragrance which denoted more than calm. It was a balm for which Lynne would give thanks in two days when she attended church with Sam and Renee. And if Eric was at her side, Lynne would be even more grateful. But if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t fret, not for how long he might be gone, or for his heartache. They began making love as if he was never leaving her again.
They ate lunch with the Aherns that Sunday, but as soon as the meal was finished, Eric and Sam went for a walk. Lynne didn’t have to say much to Renee, who seemed as aware as Lynne to Eric’s changed mood. But peace was entwined with what none of them could forestall, which Renee did question. Lynne smiled, then sat at the Aherns’ kitchen table. “Were you praying for us on Friday?”
“I always pray for you,” Renee giggled.
“No, I mean, specifically on Friday afternoon.”
“Sorry, I was working. Shall I ask Sam if he was?”
“No, it’s just that….” Lynne shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. What’ll be is what’ll be.”
Renee gripped Lynne’s hands. “Are you sure?”
“I can’t change it. He’ll go whenever he does, for however long is necessary.” Lynne squeezed Renee’s hands, then released them. She sipped her water, then nodded. “I just told Dr. Salters I wanna have the baby at home, but if he’s not here when I deliver, I’ll have it in the hospital.”
Renee shivered. “Do you think that might happen?”
“I’m not gonna discount it. I wanna be prepared. Maybe you’ll be taking care of me and the baby and Sam will be nursing Eric.”
Renee stood, then went to the sink, keeping her back to Lynne. “Isn’t there something he can do, I mean….”
“If he could, he would. He might not even remember I’m pregnant.”
Renee whipped around. “Don’t say that!”
Lynne stood, joining her friend. “It’s just like when Sam left you, he couldn’t help that either. It’s not how we wanna look at them; we wanna think they’ll put us first. But something inside them is different to us, you said it. They’re men, they have this sense they can make everything right. Eric wants to save Seth, not that he’s come out and said it to me, but I know he does. He wanted to save his father regardless of what that man had done to him. But he couldn’t deny that, and in the end, look at what he was also able to do.”
Lynne had never placed Renee’s hands on the baby, but she did so now, although Renee flinched slightly. Then Renee began to cry, as a fetus tumbled against her palms. Lynne moved Renee’s hands as the baby rolled. “I detested him going away, and this time last year all I could think was how hard it was without him. How lonely I was, even if you and Sam knew. But someone else needs him Renee, someone in great pain. How can I dread his absence when I have this gift?”
Renee stopped crying. “Oh Lynne, oh my God!”
Lynne nodded. “If you weren’t praying for us, it must’ve been Sam.”
“He was working yesterday too.”
The women gazed at each other. “Well, someone was thinking about us,” Lynne smiled.
“God’s always thinking about you.”
A chill ran up Lynne’s back, but it wasn’t frightening. “I suppose he is.”
Renee nodded, then smiled, placing her hands on another spot of Lynne’s belly. “What’s it feel like?” she whispered.
Lynne smiled, wiping tears from her eyes. “It’s all I ever wanted from him, besides all he’s already given me. It’s like the best gift, it’s….”
The baby kicked with force, making Lynne take a sharp breath. But it wasn’t just from inside her, or not inside her womb. Lynne’s heart raced, then calmed, then she brushed away a few streaks from Renee’s cheeks. “Oh Renee, oh my goodness.”
Their eyes met, and Renee nodded. “I know Lynne, oh dear God, I feel it. I never thought I’d know, I never imagined I’d feel it, but I can, right here.”
Renee set Lynne’s hand on a nondescript belly, and Lynne nodded vigorously. “What does this mean?” Lynne said quietly.
Renee laughed, firmly pressing Lynne’s hand into her gut. “It means that you’ll have all the agony and I’ll get to watch. But now I’ll always know Lynne, and it doesn’t hurt one bit.”
Then Renee grazed her hand over Lynne’s heart. “And you’ll always know too,” she continued. “And that won’t hurt you either. Sometimes it might feel mighty sore, but the sting only lasts for moments. He did that for us Lynne, Jesus….”
“Renee, Lynne?” Sam’s voice carried through the living room, but Renee didn’t answer him, as Eric also called for the women. Lynne only concentrated on was where Renee’s palm rested, in the center of Lynne’s chest, and the warm pulse that beat in Lynne’s heart. As Sam and Eric entered the kitchen, Lynne glanced at her husband, seeing slight worry in his eyes. How would she explain her new outlook, she smiled, as he stepped her way, while Sam flanked Renee. And once Lynne had conveyed all that swirled inside of her, would that ease his mind, as the knowledge of another separation loomed in Sam’s anxious blue eyes.
Chapter 42