Chapter 10
Once in her bedroom Tory couldn’t resist trying on the riding clothes again. She lovingly took each piece out of the bags and separated them from the tissue paper Mrs. Carson had so painstakingly wrapped them in. As she arranged them on the bed, Tory thought about what a great day it had been. It felt like she and Clara were sisters sharing secrets and laughs and just having fun all day.
Tory pulled on the jodhpurs, then the sleeveless shirt with the high collar and zippered up the boots. She reverently unbuttoned the jacket from its hanger and put it on. She twirled in front of the mirror. She felt fabulous and knew she looked great. Pretending to model for a crowd as well as Saint Albert, Tory slipped her hands into the pockets of the jacket. Her fingers felt paper. Must be the receipt she thought as she pulled it out.
Tory felt her legs buckle underneath her as she sank onto the bed while staring at the faded lavender envelope with the words “Mom” in her hand. Tory couldn’t believe what she held in her hand; a letter to Grandma Nan from Samantha. The envelope was still sealed and appeared to have never been opened. For a fleeting moment Tory considered taking it downstairs to Grandma Nan. But she felt this was her right to open first. With shaking hands she carefully opened the envelope and pulled out one page of lavender writing paper.
She read her mother’s familiar handwriting:
Dear Mom
By the time you get this letter I’ll be long gone so don’t let Daddy try and follow us. I know this will hurt and I’m sorry for that because I love you both very much. But this is something I must do.
Frank and I are very very much in love. He’s the best part of my life and I can’t imagine life without him. We are soul mates and meant to be with each other. I’m going to have his baby. We didn’t mean for this to happen but we are both happy about it and excited about our future.
I don’t think people on the Island will understand this very well and we have more opportunities off the Island. Frank is going to get a job, we are going to get married right away and raise our baby in love and happiness.
I know Daddy wanted me to be a champion rider and ride in the Nations Cup but I can’t take the chance of hurting the baby. That’s why we’re leaving tonight. I know Daddy won’t understand and will be mad, but I’m hoping you’ll be able to imagine what I feel and maybe someday can explain it to Daddy. I love the horses and riding and hope to always have that IN my life but Frank and this baby ARE my life. You have always told me how important it is to protect those you love and trust your intuition not your head. That’s why I’m doing this. This feels right.
Once we have got settled and given Daddy some time to cool down I’ll call you. I love you very very much and hope you can understand how much Frank and this baby mean to me.
Love
Sam
Tory felt the shock run through her body. She had been that baby! Her mother had given up this life and career and all the horses because of her. She had never really meant to leave the Island for good but her father had never accepted her going away and so she had never came back. Tears poured down Tory’s face. She wasn’t sure what to feel except guilt and anguish. Everything was her fault. It was her fault her mother had not ridden in the Nations Cup and been a champion. It was her fault her mother had given up the wonderful Island life, and worst of all, it was her fault her mother had died.
Suddenly Tory felt trapped inside the pink bedroom. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve this happiness. The riding and the riding clothes and the shows and the horses were all a farce. They didn’t belong to her, they should have been her mothers and she had taken it all away.
Tears streamed down her face, as Tory un-zippered the boots and struggled to pull them off. While she pealed out of the jodhpurs and jacket and shirt she felt panic rising up in her. She had to get away, to think outside the walls of her mother’s things. She grabbed her barn clothes and old riding boots. She wasn’t sure what her plan was, or if she even had one, she just knew she had to get out of the house. She snuck down the stairs, carrying her boots and being careful not to walk on the squeaky step so Grandma Nan and Clara, watching television in the living room, wouldn’t hear a sound. Rusty didn’t even lift his head from his spot on the floor at their feet.
Once outside, the wind kept slamming into Tory, making it hard to walk. Rain mixed with her tears and soaked her face. The howling wind felt good as it masked her sobs.
In a wild panic Tory made her way to G.G’s paddock. G.G. poked her head out from the shelter, ears laid back in fear as she heard someone approach. When she saw it was Tory she neighed softly, glad to see her friend. Tory buried her face in G.G’s strong neck and cried.
“Oh G.G.,” she sobbed. “Everything’s my fault. You are the only one who can really understand because you’re just as much a misfit as me. You lost your baby and I lost my mother.”
G.G. seemed to tremble under Tory as the plan formed in Tory’s mind. She grabbed G.G’s halter from the fence post. Calmer now Tory patted G.G. as she quickly slipped the halter over her nose and behind her ears, buckling the clip at her cheek. Then Tory looped the lead rope over G.G’s neck and tied it to the other side of the halter so that it fashioned crude reins.
G.G. hesitated for only a second as the wind howled around her shelter and then she followed Tory her beloved friend. Tory led G.G. to the fence, climbed up on the top railing and, as though she had done it all before, slid expertly onto G.G.’s back. G.G.’s head snapped up at the sudden weight but as Tory stroked her neck G.G. seemed to decide everything was okay and she walked out of the paddock and towards the woods as Tory guided her.
Tory leaned over G.G.’s neck and hugged her. “Good girl G.G.,” she cooed. “Let’s go to the spot Clara told me about; where Mommy and Daddy used to meet all the time. Maybe when we get there I can figure out what to do.” Once on the trail, G.G. quickened her pace as though she understood the urgency and knew where she was going.
They plodded through the path for a long time. The branches swayed crazily in the wind but G.G. never seemed to spook, confident with Tory on her back. Thunder started to rumble in the distance, the rain picked up even harder, and the path turned slippery underfoot. A sudden crack of thunder felt close enough to make the very woods move, and a streak of lightening created shadows among the trees. Without warning, G.G. bolted and tore off the path at a gallop, rushing forward to outrace the demons making the loud noises and fierce lightening behind her. Tory held on, wrapped her lower legs even tighter around G.G.’s belly and grasped as much mane as possible in both hands. For a second they seemed to fly together, until G.G. slipped in the mud and went down. Tory flew off her back landing hard on the ground.
The world stopped as Tory struggled to catch a breath while no air seemed to come. When she finally got her breath, she slowly rose to her knees and realized she was alive and relatively unharmed. She had no idea how long she had been lying there. Then her fear turned to G.G. and once again Tory felt panic rise in her.
“G.G., G.G.,” she called through the howling wind. “G.G. where are you?”
Tory heard the familiar nicker and realized G.G. was loyally standing right behind her in the trees. She kept her front foot raised slightly, unable to put any weight on it as she tried to hobble toward Tory. Tory limped to G.G., while her ankle sent daggers of pain from her toes to her head. Tory gently stroked G.G.’s neck and slid her hand down G.G’s withers all the way to the end of her foot as she had seen Grandma Nan do. Tory was relieved to feel no obvious broken bone but she could see a dark red, fuzzy, aura of light around G.G’s leg.
“I think it’s okay G.G.,” Tory said. But G.G. seemed to think otherwise as she refused to put her full weight on it. “We’ll wait out the storm here G.G.,” Tory said. Then I’ll get you back to the farm and get you looked at. Now I’ve hurt you too,” Tory sobbed and collapsed on the ground beside G.G. She buried her head in her knees. “It seems like I hurt everyone I love.”
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br /> G.G. whipped up her head and pinned back her ears just as Tory heard a deep voice say, “Not true.”
Tory lifted her head to see her father, soaking wet, walking towards her. “Oh Daddy,” she cried as he seemed to scoop her up and smoother her in a huge wet hug.
“Pumpkin,” her father whispered not seeming to trust his voice. “Are you okay? We were so worried. We’ve been looking for you for hours.”
“I’m okay,” Tory said and everything came out in a jumble of words. “I’ve messed everything up. I found this letter from Mom to Grandma Nan, and I tried to find the place where you used to meet so I could think. And we got scared. Now I’ve hurt G.G. too. It’s my fault Mom left the Island in the first place, and I don’t belong here and everything’s a mess. And it’s my fault Mom died. ”
“Oh, Pumpkin.” Tory’s father wrapped her in his arms and sank onto the ground so that she was pulled into his lap like when she was three years old.
For moments they just sat there like that. Tory’s father rocked them back and forth as they both cried, Tory’s head buried into the wet fleece of his sweater, his head buried in her soaked hair. When he finally thought he could trust his voice again, Frank said. “Honey it’s not your fault. I’m the adult here and I’m supposed to pick up the pieces and I haven’t done a very good job. It wasn’t your fault your mother died and it wasn’t my fault either. For a long time I thought I was to blame. If I had of been home sooner I could have driven to the video store, or taken you both out to the movies, or just done something different. I kept running that day and night through my head figuring out all the reasons to think it was my fault. And the worst was that I’m trained to save people and I couldn’t save her. I just realized tonight while I was talking to Carla that I’ve been hiding in my blame. I figured if I could go to every call, and work on every patient, and save everyone who ever got hurt or sick, I could somehow save your mother. But I can’t. She’s gone. But we’re left Tory. And all we can do is pick up the pieces and love each other and build the type of family and life she would have wanted us to live. She would be so proud of you and I’m going to make her proud of me. Without question you are the most important person to me, and I’m going to be there for you. I’m so sorry Tory. I love you so much.”
Tory wrapped her arms even closer around him, safe in the security that it was going to be okay. “I love you too Daddy,” she said. “And I really like it here. I want to stay and be a family here.”
“Me too Pumpkin, me too,” whispered Tory’s Dad, still not trusting his voice.
“So we better get back,” said Tory’s Dad. “Grandma Nan and Carla are at their wits end; figured you’re hurt out here somewhere. Looks like both you and your horse are going to have limp back. Come on, I know a short cut home. It will only take us a few minutes as long as I can remember it in the dark.”
“How did you find us anyway,” asked Tory?
“Well, this is the spot where your mother always came when she was upset or wanted to think. It’s the spot we used to meet. You’re so much like her; I figured you might find the spot too. And I figured even if you weren’t here, maybe coming up here would help me find some kind of sign. I was pretty scared.” He reached up and touched the bark of the tree Tory had been leaning on. Tory saw the inscription there circled with a heart:
Sam & Frank
4 ever
Tory, her Dad, and the Gentle Giant gingerly made it through the slippery woods path. G.G. limped but seemed to understand she was heading back to the safety of her paddock. Tory talked soothingly to her along the way and figured out all the remedies she would need to heal.
The lights of the barn and Grandma Nan’s house welcomed them across the field and even G.G. seemed to quicken her pace as she saw Clara and Grandma Nan standing on the porch.
Grandma Nan ran out to meet them, leaned down and cupped Tory’s face in her hands. “Are you really okay? You’re not hurt? We were so worried.”
“We’re okay,” said Tory. “We’re home now.” Tory collapsed in Grandma Nan’s arms and cried all over again while Carla hugged Frank.
“You coming home has made a lot of wrongs right,” Grandma Nan whispered. She swiped at her eyes and said, “Enough of this, let’s get G.G. to her paddock and you warm and dry. We’ve got a show in the morning!”