Praise for Joe Abercrombie:
‘Abercrombie has written the finest epic fantasy trilogy in recent memory. He’s one writer that no one should miss’
Junot Diaz, Pulitzer Prize winner
‘Joe Abercrombie is probably the brightest star among the new generation of British fantasy writers … Abercrombie never underestimates the horrors that people are prepared to inflict on one another, or their long-lasting, often unexpected, consequences. Abercrombie writes a vivid, well-paced tale that never loosens its grip. His action scenes are cinematic in the best sense, and the characters are all distinct and interesting’
The Times
‘Joe Abercrombie’s BEST SERVED COLD is a bloody and relentless epic of vengeance and obsession in the grand tradition, a kind of splatterpunk sword ’n sorcery COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO, Dumas by way of Moorcock. Monza Murcatto, the Snake of Talins, could teach even Gully Foyle and Kirth Gersen a few things about revenge.The battles are vivid and visceral, the action brutal, the pace headlong, and Abercrombie piles the betrayals, reversals, and plot twists one atop another to keep us guessing how it will all come out. This is his best book yet’
George R. R. Martin
‘Abercrombie writes dark, adult fantasy, by which I mean there’s a lot of stabbing in it, and after people stab each other they sometimes have sex with each other. His tone is morbid and funny and hardboiled, not wholly dissimilar to that of Iain Banks … Like Fritz Leiber you can see in your head where the blades are going, what is clanging off what, the sweat, the blood, the banter. And like George R. R. Martin Abercrombie has the will and the cruelty to actually kill and maim his characters’
Time Magazine
‘Delightfully twisted and evil’
The Guardian
‘Abercrombie is both fiendishly inventive and solidly convincing, especially when sprinkling his appallingly vivid combat scenes with humour so dark that it’s almost ultraviolet’
Publishers Weekly
‘Storms along at a breakneck pace. Each character has a history of betrayal and a wobbly moral compass, giving further realism and depth to Abercrombie’s world. The violence is plentiful, the methods of exacting revenge are eye-wateringly inventive and the characters well fleshed out. A fan of Bernard Cornwell’s historical escapades could easily fall for it. Believe the hype’
Waterstone’s Books Quarterly
‘Abercrombie’s narrative twists and turns, playing with but also against the reader’s expectations. His characters do likewise. Their realistic unpredictability means that it is almost impossible to determine what will eventually happen. One of the great pleasures of Joe Abercrombie’s fiction is that his characters are so lifelike’
Interzone
‘All in all, we can’t say enough good things about Mr Abercrombie’s latest addition to the genre. It’s intelligent, measured, thoughtful, well paced and considered, but retains a sense of fun. We can’t recommend it enough’
Sci-Fi Now
Also by Joe Abercrombie from Gollancz:
THE FIRST LAW TRILOGY
The Blade Itself
Before They Are Hanged
Last Argument of Kings
Best Served Cold
Contents
Praise for Joe Abercrombie
Also by Joe Abercrombie from Gollancz
Order of Battle
BEFORE THE BATTLE
The Times
The Peacemaker
The Best of Us
Black Dow
What War?
Old Hands
New Hands
Reachey
The Right Thing
DAY ONE
Silence
Ambition
Give and Take
The Very Model
Scale
Ours Not to Reason Why
Cry Havoc and …
Devoutly to be Wished
Casualties
The Better Part of Valour
Paths of Glory
The Day’s Work
The Defeated
Fair Treatment
Tactics
Rest and Recreation
DAY TWO
Dawn
Opening Remarks
The Infernal Contraptions
Reasoned Debate
Chains of Command
Closing Arguments
Straight Edge
Escape
The Bridge
Strange Bedfellows
Hearts and Minds
Good Deeds
One Day More
Bones
The King’s Last Hero
My Land
DAY THREE
The Standard Issue
Shadows
Under the Wing
Names
Still Yesterday
For What We Are About to Receive …
The Riddle of the Ground
Onwards and Upwards
More Tricks
The Tyranny of Distance
Blood
Pointed Metal
Peace in Our Time
The Moment of Truth
Spoils
Desperate Measures
Stuff Happens
AFTER THE BATTLE
End of the Road
By the Sword
The Currents of History
Terms
Family
New Hands
Old Hands
Everyone Serves
Just Deserts
Black Calder
Retired
Acknowledgements
Copyright
For Eve
One day you will read this
And say, ‘Dad, why all the swords?’
Order of Battle
THE UNION
High Command
Lord Marshal Kroy – commander-in-chief of his Majesty’s armies in the North.
Colonel Felnigg – his chief of staff, a remarkably chinless man.
Colonel Bremer dan Gorst – royal observer of the Northern War and disgraced master swordsman, formerly the king’s First Guard.
Rurgen and Younger – his faithful servants, one old, one … younger.
Bayaz, the First of the Magi – a bald wizard supposedly hundreds of years old and an influential representative of the Closed Council, the king’s closest advisors.
Yoru Sulfur – his butler, bodyguard and chief bookkeeper.
Denka and Saurizin – two old Adepti of the University of Adua, academics conducting an experiment for Bayaz.
Jalenhorm’s Division
General Jalenhorm – an old friend of the king, fantastically young for his position, described as brave yet prone to blunders.
Retter – his thirteen-year-old bugler.
Colonel Vallimir – ambitious commanding officer of the King’s Own First Regiment.
First Sergeant Forest – chief non-commissioned officer with the staff of the First.
Corporal Tunny – long-serving profiteer, and standard-bearer of the First.
Troopers Yolk, Klige, Worth, and Lederlingen – clueless recruits attached to Tunny as messengers.
Colonel Wetterlant – punctilious commanding officer of the Sixth Regiment.
Major Culfer – his panicky second in command.
Sergeant Gaunt, Private Rose – soldiers with the Sixth.
Major Popol – commanding the first battalion of the Rostod Regiment.
Captain Lasmark – a poor captain with the Rostod Regiment.
Colonel Vinkler – courageous commanding officer of the Thirteenth Regiment.
Mitterick’s Division
General Mitterick – a professional soldier with much chin and little loyalty, described as sharp but reckless.
Colonel Opker – his chief of staf
f.
Lieutenant Dimbik – an unconfident young officer on Mitterick’s staff.
Meed’s Division
Lord Governor Meed – an amateur soldier with a neck like a turtle, in peacetime the governor of Angland, described as hating Northmen like a pig hates butchers.
Colonel Harod dan Brock – an honest and hard-working member of Meed’s staff, the son of a notorious traitor.
Finree dan Brock – Colonel Brock’s venomously ambitious wife, the daughter of Lord Marshal Kroy.
Colonel Brint – senior on Meed’s staff, an old friend of the king.
Aliz dan Brint – Colonel Brint’s naive young wife.
Captain Hardrick – an officer on Meed’s staff, affecting tight trousers.
The Dogman’s Loyalists
The Dogman – Chief of those Northmen fighting with the Union. An old companion of the Bloody-Nine, once a close friend of Black Dow, now his bitter enemy.
Red-Hat – the Dogman’s Second, who wears a red hood.
Hardbread – a Named Man of long experience, leading a dozen for the Dogman.
Redcrow – one of Hardbread’s Carls.
THE NORTH
In and Around Skarling’s Chair
Black Dow – the Protector of the North, or stealer of it, depending on who you ask.
Splitfoot – his Second, meaning chief bodyguard and arse-licker.
Ishri – his advisor, a sorceress from the desert South, and sworn enemy of Bayaz.
Caul Shivers – a scarred Named Man with a metal eye, who some call Black Dow’s dog.
Curnden Craw – a Named Man thought of as a straight edge, once Second to Rudd Threetrees, then close to Bethod, now leading a dozen for Black Dow.
Wonderful – his long-suffering Second.
Whirrun of Bligh – a famous hero from the utmost North, who wields the Father of Swords. Also called Cracknut, on account of his nut being cracked.
Jolly Yon Cumber, Brack-i-Dayn, Scorry Tiptoe, Agrick, Athroc and Drofd – other members of Craw’s dozen.
Scale’s Men
Scale – Bethod’s eldest son, now the least powerful of Dow’s five War Chiefs, strong as a bull, brave as a bull, and with a bull’s brain too.
Pale-as-Snow – once one of Bethod’s War Chiefs, now Scale’s Second.
White-Eye Hansul – a Named Man with a blind eye, once Bethod’s herald.
‘Prince’ Calder – Bethod’s younger son, an infamous coward and schemer, temporarily exiled for suggesting peace.
Seff – his pregnant wife, the daughter of Caul Reachey.
Deep and Shallow – a pair of killers, watching over Calder in the hope of riches.
Caul Reachey’s Men
Caul Reachey – one of Dow’s five War Chiefs, an elderly warrior, famously honourable, father to Seff, father-in-law to Calder.
Brydian Flood – a Named Man formerly a member of Craw’s dozen.
Beck – a young farmer craving glory on the battlefield, the son of Shama Heartless.
Reft, Colving, Stodder and Brait – other young lads pressed into service with Beck.
Glama Golden’s Men
Glama Golden – one of Dow’s five War Chiefs, intolerably vain, locked in a feud with Cairm Ironhead.
Sutt Brittle – a famously greedy Named Man. Lightsleep – a Carl in Golden’s employ.
Cairm Ironhead’s Men
Cairm Ironhead – one of Dow’s five War Chiefs, notoriously stubborn, locked in a feud with Glama Golden.
Curly – a stout-hearted scout.
Irig – an ill-tempered axeman.
Temper – a foul-mouthed bowman.
Others
Brodd Tenways – the most loyal of Dow’s five War Chiefs, ugly as incest. Stranger-Come-Knocking – a giant savage obsessed with civilisation, Chief of all the lands east of the Crinna.
Back to the Mud (dead, thought dead, or long dead)
Bethod – the first King of the Northmen, father to Scale and Calder.
Skarling Hoodless – a legendary hero who once united the North against the Union.
The Bloody-Nine – once Bethod’s champion, the most feared man in the North, and briefly King of the Northmen before being killed by Black Dow (supposedly).
Rudd Threetrees – a famously honourable Chief of Uffrith, who fought against Bethod and was beaten in a duel by the Bloody-Nine.
Forley the Weakest – a notoriously weak fighter, companion to Black Dow and the Dogman, ordered killed by Calder.
Shama Heartless – a famous champion killed by the Bloody-Nine. Beck’s father.
‘Unhappy the land that
is in need of heroes’
Bertolt Brecht
The Times
‘Too old for this shit,’ muttered Craw, wincing at the pain in his dodgy knee with every other step. High time he retired. Long past high time. Sat on the porch behind his house with a pipe, smiling at the water as the sun sank down, a day’s honest work behind him. Not that he had a house. But when he got one, it’d be a good one.
He found his way through a gap in the tumble-down wall, heart banging like a joiner’s mallet. From the long climb up the steep slope, and the wild grass clutching at his boots, and the bullying wind trying to bundle him over. But mostly, if he was honest, from the fear he’d end up getting killed at the top. He’d never laid claim to being a brave man and he’d only got more cowardly with age. Strange thing, that – the fewer years you have to lose the more you fear the losing of ’em. Maybe a man just gets a stock of courage when he’s born, and wears it down with each scrape he gets into.
Craw had been through a lot of scrapes. And it looked like he was about to snag himself on another.
He snatched a breather as he finally got to level ground, bent over, rubbing the wind-stung tears from his eyes. Trying to muffle his coughing which only made it louder. The Heroes loomed from the dark ahead, great holes in the night sky where no stars shone, four times man-height or more. Forgotten giants, marooned on their hilltop in the scouring wind. Standing stubborn guard over nothing.
Craw found himself wondering how much each of those great slabs of rock weighed. Only the dead knew how they’d dragged the bastard things up here. Or who had. Or why. The dead weren’t telling, though, and Craw had no plans on joining ’em just to find out.
He saw the faintest glow of firelight now, at the stones’ rough edges. Heard the chatter of men’s voices over the wind’s low growl. That brought back the risk he was taking, and a fresh wave of fear washed up with it. But fear’s a healthy thing, long as it makes you think. Rudd Threetrees told him that, long time ago. He’d thought it through, and this was the right thing to do. Or the least wrong thing, anyway. Sometimes that’s the best you can hope for.
So he took a deep breath, trying to remember how he’d felt when he was young and had no dodgy joints and didn’t care a shit for nothing, picked out a likely gap between two of those big old rocks and strolled through.
Maybe this had been a sacred place, once upon an ancient day, high magic in these stones, the worst of crimes to wander into the circle uninvited. But if any old Gods took offence they’d no way of showing it. The wind dropped away to a mournful sighing and that was all. Magic was in scarce supply and there wasn’t much sacred either. Those were the times.
The light shifted on the inside faces of the Heroes, faint orange on pitted stone, splattered with moss, tangled with old bramble and nettle and seeding grass. One was broken off half way up, a couple more had toppled over the centuries, left gaps like missing teeth in a skull’s grin.
Craw counted eight men, huddled around their wind-whipped campfire with patched cloaks and worn coats and tattered blankets wrapped tight. Firelight flickered on gaunt, scarred, stubbled and bearded faces. Glinted on the rims of their shields, the blades of their weapons. Lots of weapons. Fair bit younger, in the main, but they didn’t look much different to Craw’s own crew of a night. Probably they weren’t much different. He even thought for a moment one man w
ith his face side-on was Jutlan. Felt that jolt of recognition, the eager greeting ready on his lips. Then he remembered Jutlan was twelve years in the ground, and he’d said the words over his grave.
Maybe there are only so many faces in the world. You get old enough, you start seeing ’em used again.
Craw lifted his open hands high, palms forward, doing his best to stop ’em shaking any. ‘Nice evening!’
The faces snapped around. Hands jerked to weapons. One man snatched up a bow and Craw felt his guts drop, but before he got close to drawing the string the man beside him stuck out an arm and pushed it down.
‘Whoa there, Redcrow.’ The one who spoke was a big old lad, with a heavy tangle of grey beard and a drawn sword sitting bright and ready across his knees. Craw found a rare grin, ’cause he knew the face, and his chances were looking better.
Hardbread he was called, a Named Man from way back. Craw had been on the same side as him in a few battles down the years, and the other side from him in a few more. But he’d a solid reputation. A long-seasoned hand, likely to think things over, not kill then ask the questions, which was getting to be the more popular way of doing business. Looked like he was Chief of this lot too, ’cause the lad called Redcrow sulkily let his bow drop, much to Craw’s relief. He didn’t want anyone getting killed tonight, and wasn’t ashamed to say that counted double for his self.