~~~~~~~~~~~~
The plane came to a stop and I headed for the door. “Captain if you don't mind how about we let the staff off first.” I stood there and waited while several secret service men exited the plane and did a quick survey of the area nodding that everything was clear.
The President came over and stood by me and motioned that it was now time for us to exit. I ducked through the door followed quickly by the President and we walked down the steps of the ladder together. At the bottom of the ladder stood dad looking just as he did the day I left for basic training. Mom hadn't come with to see me off, but was standing next to dad tears running down her cheeks. If only those tears would have been for me, but I had no doubt they were because she was going to get to meet the President of the United States. Sarah looked as beautiful as I remembered, though the person other than dad I really wanted to see was Kathy, the only one not here as far as I could see.
“I'm here Sam.” I heard it but still didn't see her, and I wasn't sure anyone else heard it so wondered if maybe I had just imagined it.
“Mr President I'd like you to meet my father, Norman, my mother, Ellen, my oldest sister, Kathy, and her husband, Brent, my youngest sister, Sarah, and my brother, Jeffery,” I said.
“You have a fine looking family Mr Waters. When I heard your son was in California and had a flight scheduled about the same time I was due to leave there I just had to meet him and unfortunately it caused him to miss his scheduled flight so I offered to give him a ride, on the condition he introduce me to his family. I can't say how proud we are of him Mr Waters, the job he is doing for this country is one not many men could handle. I'm sure you're just as proud of him as we are, if not more so,” the President said.
“I'm sorry Mr President, but I haven't even got a clue what it is Sam does in the Air Force,” Dad said.
The President gave me a confused look that was gone even before I was sure of seeing it.
“Sir, don't you watch the news? Your son has been one of the biggest headline stories for the past week,” the President said.
“I'm sorry Mr President, but I haven't talked to my family since the day I left here for basic training, until I called them and let them know I would be home today,” I said.
Again the confused look that was there and gone in a heartbeat.
“You mean that story about those infantry companies that were trapped behind enemy lines?” Dad asked.
“Yes sir, that would be the story,” the President said.
“I don't understand what that would have to do with Sam. He's in the Air Force not the army. I didn't think the Air Force had any infantry,” Dad said.
“They don't sir, but Sam is in special forces and it was his recon team that went in and brought those men home,” The President said.
I thought both mom and dad were going to faint right there. No one in my family had any idea the kind of danger I dealt with. They hadn't even known I was an officer until a few hours ago.
Jeff I thought was going to start laughing and Kathy gave me a look I had no idea how to interpret. Sarah smiled and looked like she expected nothing less from her little brother.
“Mr President I know you're on a tight schedule, and it would be nice to finally get home and get some sleep,” I said.
“Yes, of course Captain,” The President said.
He shook hands with dad again, and gave mom another kiss on the cheek, doing the same for each of my sisters, and giving Kathy's husband and Jeff another handshake. Then he was up the ladder and inside the plane. We were ushered back inside the terminal and it was all like a strange dream.
Kathy started asking me questions on the way out to the car, while mom droned on and on about how she was never going to wash her cheek again. Dad seemed to be in a daze from finding out his oldest son was a special forces officer who did things most people wouldn't even consider because of the danger involved.
Dad asked who I wanted to ride with back to the house. When I saw dad had Jeff and Sarah with him I opted to ride with Kathy. The questions she had been asking me said she knew more than she was letting on, and I wanted to know about the White Rose.
“Tell me about the White Rose, Kathy,” I said.
She looked at me like I had just hit her with a board.
“There's no such thing except the flower,” she said.
“Don't lie to me Kathy. There are things I can't tell you because they're classified, but I won't lie to you and try telling you something I know isn't true. I know the White Rose exists, what I don't know is what the White Rose is, or should I say who the White Rose is,” I said.
“What makes you think the White Rose is a person?” she asked.
“Let's just call it a hunch for now, tell me who, or what the White Rose is and I'll tell you how I know about the White Rose,” I said.
“The White Rose as a person is myth, stories really, very, very old stories. Now tell me how you know of the White Rose,” she demanded.
“You still haven't told me what the White Rose is,” I said.
“The White Rose is many things, and all things magical. Sam I know you don't believe in magic, but you asked and that is what the White Rose is,” she said.
“So you're saying magic is real?” I asked.
“Tell me something Sam. Don't lie to me I'll know if you do. Have you ever said some words that don't make sense, but when you say them they make perfect sense?” she asked.
She was asking about the little ritual I had just before going into a situation where someone could be killed. It started while I was training for special forces and I knew it was in part, the reason we had been able to get all the way through the test where everyone else failed.
“I don't remember. Some of my men have said I hold some kind of ritual just before we go out on a mission, but I never remember any of it,” I said.
“I was going to call you a liar until you added that part of not remembering. Sam it sounds like you're doing a spell of protection. I'd have to hear it in order to say for sure. If that's the case you're one of the few male witches there are, and I think you're a very powerful witch too. Most people wouldn't have seen it, but any witch worth anything could easily see the White Rose covering the men you rescued. I doubt it was there before you got there,” she said.
“So you think I'm the White Rose. I can't believe you buy into this magic bullshit Kathy, magic isn't real, and I'm not a witch male or female, I'm not a witch. I can't be I don't believe in magic,” I protested.
“You don't have to believe in magic to make it work Sam. I'm telling you magic is real, and whoever it was that cast that White Rose protection spell is even more powerful than I am, and as far as the known witches of the White Rose Coven I'm the most powerful. I can tell you that White Rose spell has scared everyone in the coven because none of us have any idea who cast it, and there are over two hundred known witches in the coven,” she said.
“So you are a witch, and witchcraft is real? Then who is this White Rose, or rather what is this White Rose?” I asked again.
“The White Rose is the Queen of all witches, but more. She is the most powerful witch in generations, I mean hundreds of generations, but she, and the stories make it clear the White Rose is a woman, is also a Vampire. She will be able to call on the magic of all the fairy folk, and all will kneel at her feet and call her Mistress for there are none who can stand against her. She will have the power to banish any who stand against her to a life that is not life, where death cannot reach, where life is void of human contact. In essence she will be a god among gods,” she said.
“You don't believe in god anymore than I do. Being able to do things that others don't understand does not make someone a god. Just because we don't understand how something was done doesn't make it a miracle, because there is always a logical explanation, and there is a logical explanation for what people think of as magic too,” I said.
“Sam I'm not going to get into a philosophical debate about this, yo
u asked and I told you what I know. I don't know how you cast that spell, but you know I told the truth as I know it,” she said.
“I know but I haven't got any idea what you mean about a spell,” I said.
“This whole time we've been talking I've been hiding our words from Brent. He doesn't know I'm a witch and I don't want him knowing at least not yet. But there has been another spell hanging in the air as well. A spell that shows a lie for the lie it is. I didn't cast it and I know Brent didn't cast it. Since I'm the only witch I know of with the strength to have cast one as complex as this one I can only assume you're a witch at least as powerful as I am and that you cast it,” she said.
“I didn't cast anything Kathy. Why is the dome light flickering?” I asked.
“That answered the question of who cast the truth spell. Sam you are a witch and I think it was you who cast that protection spell since I know you were there. The only thing I can't figure out is how. If you had done so using a coven you wouldn't be able to sit here and tell me you don't believe in witchcraft and fairy folk, and not set off the truth spell, which means somehow you cast a protection spell even I couldn't do without a full coven,” she said.
“So you do think I'm this White Rose,” I said.
“No Sam, I don't. I don't think you're the White Rose for two very important reasons. First you aren't a woman, and second you aren't a vampire. I have my doubts you're strength is much more that enough to have created that web of protection, but even that marks you as one of the most powerful witches in the last one hundred if not one thousand years. Because of the fact witches have had to hide for the last few hundred year they have hidden in the mortal world and taken mortal husbands and wives. Each generation the magic gets less and less, and at the rate it's diminishing will likely be nothing more than a thought in a thousand years,” she said.
“But then someone like you and I come along and the world of magic is restored. Is that what you're trying to say?” I asked.
“In a way yes it's exactly what I'm trying to say. The White Rose will restore the balance of magic. She will unite the magical world and mend the rift. Witches and vampires will once again work together for the good of all creatures, and peace will find a hold in the world of men,” she said. “That's the prophecy, the root of all the stories of the White Rose. Sam I know all this stuff because I'm the second of the White Rose Coven. As far as I know I have never met a Vampire, but that doesn't mean I haven't. Vampires don't trust witches and for good reason, witches have sworn to kill any Vampire on sight, because a bite from a Vampire will turn a witch and she will lose her powers as a witch. Vampires can spot a witch long before we can spot them, but the balance is that most witches can turn a Vampires magic back at them. That's what has kept the balance and the peace between witches and Vampires for generations.”
The prophecy. That was a hard pill to swallow, prophecy meant believing in either a god or magic and I chose to believe in neither.
“I take it mom and dad don't know you're a witch?” I asked.
“Are you insane? Do you have any idea what their church would do to me if they found out?” she said.
“Burn you at the stake? Would whatever they did be any worse than what any of you did to me when I tried telling you who I feel I am inside? I'm sorry Kathy, but even you laughed at me and said I was crazy. I know it seems I've accepted being what everyone expects me to be since I'm a Captain in the special forces, but it's just another way for me to hide the truth only I feel inside. I still feel I should have always been a woman. I'm still a woman in my dreams even though my dreams have changed. Kathy, in my dreams I'm now a mother. I have a husband. I have two daughters, and I'm pregnant with a son. I'm sorry sis if you can't believe in me, but I'm sure you understand just how hard it is for me to believe in witchcraft, and your claim to being one of the head witches of a coven of witches. I accept you believe that stuff, and it doesn't matter to me if you do. It doesn't change that you're still my sister, and that I still love you and would be willing to give my life protecting your right to believe that stuff. I just... to me it doesn't matter,” I said.
“I know Sam, I know it doesn't matter that I even believe you're a witch. It's just so hard to accept that my little brother is something I can't see possible. You would think because I believe in witchcraft it would be easy for me to believe you could really be a woman rather than a man, but if anything it makes believing harder,” she said.
“And if one day I proved to be this White Rose I've heard about? Would that make it easier. You use to always call me your little princess when you would dress me up. That meant so much to me, I always thought maybe you could see the real me. When you laughed and showed you didn't, that hurt more than what anyone else said or did,” I said.
“I'm sorry Sam, I just hope I'm not the reason you've stayed away for so long,” she said.
“It wasn't just you Kathy, it was everyone. I hate to say this, but I wouldn't be here now except I was ordered to take thirty days leave before joining the company I've been reassigned to. I've wanted to come home, but I didn't feel I could. I was scared someone might throw what happened just before I left back in my face again,” I said.
“I never meant to throw it in your face. I felt so bad when you left. I felt I was the reason. That you left because I couldn't accept you for you. I felt like it was my fault you thought you should have been a girl,” she said.
“Sam we fixed up your old room for you,” Mom said as I got out of Kathy's car.
I thought about just getting a motel room so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone except on my terms. Kathy and dad were the ones I wanted to spend time with, but if I was staying with mom and dad, that meant I'd have to deal with mom and Jeff as well Sarah I didn't really have any problems with, other than she seemed to be hooked in the church so deep she couldn't understand why I didn't want anything to do with it. I found it hard to believe she could let anything that repressive toward women have such a big part in her life, but it was her life.
“I'm sorry mom, but I think I'd rather just get a room while I'm here. It's only for thirty days and it isn't like I don't have the money. I've got my base pay plus special forces pay and over the last six months the hazardous duty pay has equaled almost what the other pay was combined,” I said.
“Sam do you have any idea what it was like for us to hear about what it is you do in the military from a stranger?” Dad asked.
“I would have told on the phone when I called, but I thought it would be better to tell everyone in person. I had no idea the President would be giving me a ride the last leg of the journey home. He didn't know you didn't know and I didn't know he'd say anything until he did,” I said.
“That's not a very good excuse,” Mom said.
“It wasn't meant to be an excuse, just the truth, but I guess I can expect something like this every time I try telling the truth around here, which is a damn good reason in my book not to stay here at the house. I never asked for any of this mom, and I'll be damned if I'll stay here and have you treat me like a little kid. At least in the Air Force they treat me like a man. There are people who value my opinion. There are men who are glad to have me around. I didn't ask to be born and I won't take your accusations any longer,” I said.
I knew it would start again. Nothing I ever did would be good enough for this woman. Why didn't dad leave her? The only thing she cared about was that precious church of hers, and she couldn't see that her church only cared about what they could get from her, they didn't give a shit about her.
“Kathy would you mind taking me to a motel, please?” I asked.
“I do mind Sam, if you feel you can't stay here then please stay at our house we have the room, and I still have a lot of questions for you,” she said.
I looked at dad and saw a lost look that made no sense. Even according to their church he was the man of the house and should have been able to set down rules and have mom abide them, but he never had, that I remembered. Mom h
ad always done her best to get us to fear dad, but dad was someone I knew I could trust. I couldn't remember him ever raising a hand in anger. Sure I hated his punishments, but I wasn't sure it was the punishments I hated as much as that I'd done something to deserve to be punished.
“Dad aren't you going to say anything?” I asked.
“What do you want me to say? You're a man, Sam. If you don't want to stay here I doubt I could make you even if I tried. I would like you to stay here, but it has to be your decision,” he said.
“Then would you be willing to take me to a motel?” I asked.
“If that's your choice, yes I'll take you to a motel. I won't like it, but I'll do it. Only you can make decisions about this, what we want doesn't matter,” he said.
I could see Jeff only wanted to talk to me about things I couldn't talk about. Mom would never let me forget the argument the day of Kathy's wedding. Sarah just looked lost.
“I'll try it one night at a time, but the first time any of you ask me to talk about what I do, or throw what happened when I left in my face it'll be the last time I come home until I get out, even if like this time I'm ordered to take leave. I'm not a little kid anymore and my job in the Air Force is classified so I can't talk about it,” I said.
Jeff gave me a dirty look since I had taken away the only thing he wanted to talk to me about, since he knew talking about church with me wouldn't get him anything but another dig of what was wrong with the church. Sarah still looked like she was lost in some world no one but her knew how to get to. Mom looked like steam should have been coming out her ears, like in the cartoons. Dad just nodded he understood. Kathy stood off to one side knowing I wanted to trust her, and that I didn't agree with all we talked about on the way to the house from the airport.
“Sam, I know you don't believe, I hope one day you can, but regardless I know you still love me. I wish I hadn't laughed that day. I wish I could have given you the benefit of the doubt, the same as you've given me. I don't want to lose the only family member I feel I can talk to,” Kathy said.
“As long as you love me I'll always be here. I wish I felt I could share with the family what I feel inside, but I know until the day I become the real me no one will believe it's possible,” I said.
“You mean the woman you feel you are?” she asked.
“She's the only me that's real Kathy. The world doesn't see the real me, they see only what they need to see, what they want to see. I can't force anyone to see the real me,” I said.
“If you ever want a safe place I'll bet you could still fit in my clothes,” she said.
“Does that include hair? Remember sis I have to keep a military hair cut,” I said.
“It includes whatever you need, but it also means if I like the way you look I'm taking you out shopping as my little sister, so you can get your own clothes,” she said.
“I was afraid you'd say something like that,” I moaned.
“You do know we haven't said a single thing so anyone else can hear. I knew you were a witch,” she said.
I looked at her and realized with where she was standing I couldn't have had that conversation without talking louder than I had, and mom and Jeff were a lot closer to me than Kathy was.
Would I be able to handle thirty days with a sister that insisted I was something I didn't believe in? The worst of it being her proving every time we turned around that she was right. I guess I'll find out since I knew without a doubt that if I made it through one night without either mom or Jeff violating the rules I set down I'd be extremely lucky.
“Dad can we go for a walk?” I asked.
I looked over at Kathy again and thought of wanting her to please wait until dad and I got back before she left. She nodded and I knew she heard the words and her nod was to let me know she would still be here when I got back from the walk.
“Sam I know there's bad blood between you and your mother. I'm not going to pretend to know why, so unless you tell me I'm afraid there isn't much I can do to help heal things,” Dad said.
“What's between mom and I is her religion she thinks it holds the answers to everything and I think it... well you know I think it's bullshit. I know it's your religion too dad, but you seem to use it more as a measuring stick. It's like you believe it, but if facts show it's wrong you're willing to accept the facts. Mom follows it blindly,” I said.
“And the problem between you and your brother?” he asked.
“Jeff is wanting to know things I can't talk about. It isn't that I don't trust him it's that I can't talk about them. Dad my job has put me in the position of killing or being killed. I don't like having to kill, but I'm not ready to find out what might be after this life. The President wanted to thank me and give me a Medal for saving the lives of those men that were head line news. I tried to tell him I didn't do anything special, and he told me about one of the men we had gotten out by medivac. One of the more seriously wounded. The guy didn't make it, but while he was in the hospital he was able to dictate a letter home. He knew he wasn't going to make it home, but took comfort that those he had been serving with had a chance at getting home,” I said.
“I know your job is hard, I also understand why even if you could talk about it you wouldn't want to. I'm just glad you choose to do it because it helps not because you enjoy what the job requires you to do some times,” he said.
“Dad the battle that didn't happen didn't happen because I killed a man. I didn't know who he was other than a high ranking enemy officer. It wasn't until the enemy agreed to withdraw I found out who he was. I hated killing him, but in doing it I saved thousands of lives, not just on our side, but on their side as well. There was a full company of special forces men involved in that mess and we were all shooting crossbows and shooting officers to create as much confusion as possible in the enemy ranks. We were surrounded by three battalions of enemy elite troops. We shouldn't have had a chance,” I said.
Dad didn't say anything, not that there was much he could say. The past was set nothing anyone did could change the facts of the past.
“Sam, I know you haven't called or even written over the last couple years because of what happened at Kathy's wedding reception. I just need to know how much of it was because of me?” he asked.
“There are only three people in the family I thought of every day since I left for basic training. You've always been the first on that list. You didn't laugh at me and make jokes about what I said, and you were always the person I thought of first. I've only ever wanted for you to be proud of me,” I said.
“I'm guessing the other two are your sisters. Sam there are things you don't know and I'm not sure how to tell you. I didn't laugh at you, or make jokes because I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong,” he said.
“You never did answer my question that night. You do know what it's like to feel what I feel don't you?” I asked.
“Sam you're asking a question I can't answer for the same reason you can't let anyone know how you feel. What do you think will happen if you let the military know you feel you should have been a woman? Do you really think they would let you do the job you're doing now? You love your job in the military, it shows in everything you've done since walking down that ladder. You love the respect you've received as an officer. I know something happened you're not talking about, something that made you question whether or not it's all worth it, but where would those men be if you hadn't been there?” he asked.
“You're saying I should stop wanting to be myself? I couldn't do my job if I did that dad. It's because of who I am inside I can do what I do. I know I can't come out and just tell the world I'm not Samuel, I'm Samantha, I understand that, I really do, but I can't be Samuel at the expense of Samantha, I can't,” I said.
“Before I met your mother I went through some of what you're going through. I wanted to let the world know I was Norma and I was beautiful, I thought I'd start with those who always told me they loved me no matter what. Sam I was told if I ever
brought up the subject again I would be disowned, it would be better I had never been born. Every time I looked at you kids growing up and was told something you had done wrong, I was supposed to punish you for, I remembered that day and found no matter what any of you did it wouldn't change how much I loved you, how much I cared that you learn to know the difference between what's right and what's wrong. I knew when you asked me that question just what would happen and knew there was nothing I could do to make you know just how much I hurt for you. I'd never ask you to be someone you aren't Sam. I couldn't do that to you, I know what it's like to have to live a lie until the best part of yourself is dead even to you. I know you're my daughter, that inside you've always been my daughter. If you want to know the truth every time I've said your name since that day, it has always been short for Samantha not Samuel,” Dad said.
“Kathy is thinking of leaving the church like I did,” I said.
“I know, your mother doesn't, but I do. I think I even know why she's thinking of leaving, and if I'm right she should leave, because she can't have both, they're completely incompatible,” he said.
It seemed like nothing had changed, mom didn't throw the past in my face, at least not directly, but she let me know she hadn't forgotten about what happened either. Everything she did, or said, carried the implication everything was my fault. That if I hadn't asked that question of dad, the family would be all together and happy. It was like she forgot I enlisted before I asked the question.
Originally Kathy planned her wedding a month later than it was, her and Brent moved the date up so I could be there. I guess thinking back it was kind of important for me to be there, since I was Brent's best man. It had been Kathy's idea that Brent ask me to be his best man, something about wanting me there no matter if anyone else in the family, other than dad was there or not.
When I enlisted I tried to get the date I would head off to basic training late enough nothing about the wedding would need to be changed, but the recruiter said something about the longer I waited the less chance I had of getting the career field I wanted. When I told him why I wanted to wait so long he seemed very unimpressed and penciled me in for a month before I wanted.
After Kathy and Brent left Jeff started asking if I was really in special forces and killed people. I gave him a look warning him I didn't want to talk about my job and if I did tell him what I could it would likely be enough to turn his stomach. I was supposed to be on leave and the last thing I wanted to think about was the war and my part in it.
He looked disappointed, but didn't try getting me to talk about it anymore. I watched the clock and knew mom and dad would want to head for bed soon and asked what room I was sleeping in.
“You'll be sharing Jeff's room just like before you left,” mom said standing up and acting super tired.”
I looked over at dad and realized they hadn't said I would have to share Jeff's room before in hopes if they waited long enough I wouldn't try going anywhere else at least for the night.
“I take it you're going to bed mom?” I didn't really care if she was or not, I wasn't sharing a room with Jeff. I hadn't had a lot of time for me in so long all I wanted was to have somewhere to sleep that I could be alone.
“I was going to go get ready for bed, why is there a problem?” Mom asked.
“No problem I was just thinking someone might want to stay up to lock the door after I leave. I'm sure I can find a motel somewhere that will have a room available,” I said.
Mom looked at me and started acting like I just shoved my knife in her to the hilt.
“So we aren't good enough any longer. Fine Sam, you go get a motel. I don't know why you bothered coming back anyway, nothing we did was ever good enough for you,” she said.
“If you think that's going to get me to change my mind, you're wrong. If you would have told me I'd be sharing a room with Jeff before Kathy left I would have asked if her offer to stay there was still open. Since you waited to let me know, I'll go get a motel for the night,” I said.
“So you're to good to share a room with your brother now, is that it Mr high and mighty Captain Waters?” Mom said.
“It has nothing to do with being to good for anything. It has to do with I haven't had a decent nights sleep since I don't remember when, and I don't want to keep Jeff from a good nights sleep. If that means I'm making myself better than you, I guess you'll just have to live with it,” I said.
I didn't wait I walked over to the phone and started looking for the number to one of the cab companies. When I found the number I picked up the phone and started dialing.
“I'll take you to whatever motel you want Sam,” Dad said before I got the last number dialed. “Please Sam let me do this.”
I set the phone back in the cradle and picked up my duffel bag.
“Is it true about not getting a good nights sleep for a while?” Dad asked.
“True enough, during the rescue of those infantry companies my men and I had a few nights we didn't get any sleep for two or three days. For me when I did get a chance to get some sleep it seemed someone always needed me to make a decision about something anyone could have decided. On top of that I've been having nightmares lately. I guess killing leaves a mark no one can account for. I'd hate to wake Jeff up because I had a nightmare,” I said.
“You use to always have nightmares. I remember one where you woke the whole house screaming. That was a rough night,” Dad said.
“I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep if I remember right,” I said.
“You refused to even try unless I laid down with you. Ellen offered and you started screaming again. I still don't know what that was all about,” Dad said.
“Neither do I, I know mom never tried tucking me in again, you always did if you were home in time,” I said.