‘If you want to go home, I will arrange it. If you don’t, well…’ I shrugged. ‘Gesaril, you do understand the arrangement between Ysobi and I, don’t you?’
‘He had a harling with you,’ Gesaril said. ‘He said he’d always wanted to try, see if he could do it. But…’
‘There is no but,’ I said. ‘He is the father of this harling. He has responsibilities. I can’t let you have him, Gesaril. You should know: you are not the first.’
‘And neither are you,’ he said, a spark coming into his eyes. Then he sighed and turned his head to the side on the pillow. ‘I wish I hadn’t come here.’
A sentiment I shared. ‘You’re sick. You should be at home. Ysobi is not the right teacher for you.’
‘He is,’ Gesaril said, raising himself on his elbows. His voice sounded feverish. ‘He is. When I’m with him, I’m whole. He says I’ll get better.’
There were some things I had to know. I realised that Gesaril might well lie to me, but I just wanted to see his face as he answered me, hoping I had enough intuition to know the truth. ‘Gesaril, what exactly have you been led to believe the future holds for you with Ysobi?’
‘He’ll never forsake me,’ Gesaril said. ‘He told me that. He holds me in his arms at night and tells me that. He kisses my hair. It’s meant to be. You’re being cruel, holding that harling over him. He wants to be free, can’t you see?’
‘You’re hardly more than a child,’ I said. ‘You know nothing, Gesaril. You sought to ensnare Ysobi, and you were clever about it. He can’t resist you, maybe, but it’s the challenge of you he’s attracted to, nothing else. If I left Jesith tomorrow and never came back, do you really think you could keep him? Don’t fool yourself. I have too many friends here. Your life would be a misery and eventually there’d be another student. Trust me, I know. I know the way it is, and I’m old enough to cope with it. You wouldn’t have a chance.’
Gesaril flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. His throat convulsed. ‘I can’t fight you, Jassenah, but when he knows you’ve been here, you’ll be sorry.’
I laughed spitefully. ‘Oh, my dear harling, that is not the case. Look at you. Look at me. If you want to drown, then do so. I’ll watch from the edge of the bottomless pool. I have great patience. But think on this: When you are with him, then I am there too. Don’t ever doubt it. I’ll always be with you, Gesaril. You’ll feel me around, trust me.’
He stared at me, and I stared back. I fancied I saw in his eyes a slight shift, as if he was recalling sending bad thoughts my way.
I smiled sweetly. ‘That’s all I have to say to you. Return to your troubled dreams. Sleep well.’
With these words, I left him.
I was numb, inside and out. Half of what I’d said I hadn’t meant and yet at the time when I’d stood by Gesaril’s bed I’d been somehar else, somehar far more vengeful than I normally was.
I walked back to town, full of conflicting plans, and Zeph whispered mournfully in my ear, ‘Jassy, don’t.’ But I couldn’t respond to him. I could feel his fear, however; the closest I’d come to mind touch with him.
‘I’m sorry, Zeph,’ I said, ‘but I’ve got some business to attend to, and I need the space to do it. Where would you like to stay: Fahn’s or Minnow and Vole’s?’
He didn’t answer at first. Then said, ‘Fahn’s.’
I went home first and put some stuff into a bag for Zeph. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was aware that Zeph shouldn’t be around me at that time. Zeph sat on top of my bed and watched me with grave eyes. ‘That har in the bed at Sinnar’s is bad,’ he said.
‘I know. Don’t worry. Everything will be OK.’
I drank some wine and, while Zeph dozed on the sofa, waited in the darkness for when I thought the band would finish at the Pool. I wasn’t expecting Ysobi that night. I guess I knew where he’d be now. I couldn’t believe he’d done this to me. It seemed such a grubby, shallow thing to do; so human. I felt disgusted, hurt, betrayed and furious. If he’d wanted that har so much, he should have told me. I’d given him the chance, for Ag’s sake. And yet why did he want Gesaril? The har was a mess. He was barely even attractive now.
I watched the old clock that ticked away obliviously above the hearth in my sitting room. It had seen so many ages, that clock. It had ticked for the human family that had once lived here. I wondered how they’d ended and if the clock had just kept ticking all the way through.
Around 3 a.m., I left the house and went to Fahn’s place. If he wasn’t there, I’d wait for him. Maybe. Or maybe I’d go to Minnow’s. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I was planning even. But there was a light in Fahn’s kitchen. I looked through the window, Zeph in my arms, and saw Fahn had a few friends back. They were drinking, laughing, talking loudly. Too happy. I projected a mind touch in the hope Fahn would hear me. He turned almost at once, and without saying anything to his friends, came outside. He dragged me away from the window.
‘Jass,’ he said, then shook his head. I knew he wanted to embrace me, because Fahn was a great one for physical contact, but he could tell my skin was on fire and he might get burned if he tried it.
‘Will you look after Zeph for me for a while?’ I said crisply.
He stared at me. ‘If that’s what you want.’
‘It is. Look, you’ve probably guessed, but Zehn has told me… certain things. I need some space to think about it.’
‘You think I’m a bad friend now, right, because I didn’t tell you?’ Fahn looked very pale in the starlight, his arms folded defensively.
‘No. Zehn explained. It doesn’t matter. I’m the fool, not you, nor any of the others. Here.’ I handed Zeph to him, who was uncharacteristically silent. He clung to Fahn at once and buried his face in the har’s luxurious red mane.
‘It might not be what you think,’ Fahn said. ‘We might all be wrong.’
‘That might be so,’ I said.
‘But if you want any help beating the crap out of that Shadowvales scum, you know where to come.’
I smiled. ‘Yeah. Thanks, Fahn. In a way, I saw it coming.’
I kissed the back of Zeph’s head. He would not look at me. A pang of guilt slipped through me, but I couldn’t think of his feelings now. My future was hanging in the balance; both our futures.
I just walked into the night. As I walked, I thought about how female I’d become; something that at the start of my Wraeththu life, I couldn’t believe would ever happen. I’d always appreciated I had the female parts, which I’d viewed as eminently useful and pleasurable, but in some ways I’d looked upon myself as simply a modified male. Now I realised I had the female psyche too. I thought differently. We all did. I imagined that I felt like all the betrayed wives and mothers of the old human world had felt. It was interesting, this perspective. As a human, I’d often been violent, but it had been a brute animal thing, without reason. The violence inside me now was focused, like an arrow. If I unleashed it, it would go straight to the heart. No flailing limbs, no coarse cries. It was far more devastating. I knew the wiles of women, now; knew them through and through. It was astounding to discover that in so many ways they’d been the stronger sex. If the boy I’d once been had ever guessed he’d turn out like this, he would probably have drowned himself. But the fact was, I didn’t care about it. I was glad. I felt very alive in that vibrant spring night. My pain was like fireworks, filling up the sky with light.
Just before dawn, I found myself at Zehn’s doorstep. Even as I knocked on his door, I knew this was probably the wrong thing to do, but the fact was I needed comfort. Zehn loved me and desired me. He would be full of righteous anger on my behalf. He would hold me and say things I wanted to hear.
I had to knock several times before I roused him and then I realised he probably wasn’t alone. He came to the door, opened it and stood staring at me for some seconds. His face was utterly without expression, his hair mussed from sleep, or passion, or both.
‘Here I am,’ I
said, in an arch voice.
He lowered his head and appraised me from beneath his brows. ‘Are you here to rip my head off?’
‘No. I’m here to let you enjoy saying “I told you so.” Can I come in?’
He hesitated a moment, then nodded. ‘Yes, of course.’
I went into his kitchen, which was as disorderly as I’d imagined it would be. There were empty bottles on the table, two stone goblets. ‘Is Arken here?’
‘Mmm.’ Zehn cleared a space for me to sit down, since every chair was covered in clothes, crocks, bits of horse tackle, and other junk. ‘What did you do last night?’
‘I investigated, as you suggested.’
He sat down opposite me and folded his arms on the table. ‘And?’
‘You were right,’ I said. ‘I have to think what to do next, and wanted to talk to you. Do you mind?’
He shook his head slowly. I think he did mind, actually. Could I blame him? I’d run to him as a last resort. It was insulting.
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. ‘It’s OK. This was a bad move. I’ll go.’ I stood up.
‘No,’ he said. ‘Don’t. I’ll make some coffee.’ He went to the narrow stairs and yelled, ‘Ark!’
Arken appeared shortly afterwards. When he saw me, I could see he wasn’t pleased, not because of anything to do with Zehn and me, but because I was an emotional casualty and he wasn’t sure what to say.
‘Excuse me for being here,’ I said to him. ‘I won’t stay long.’
‘Are you… um… all right?’ Arken asked.
‘Fairly.’
He went to Zehn and put his arms around him. ‘I’ll head off, don’t worry.’
‘You don’t have to go,’ I said.
‘I think I do,’ he said. ‘Talk with Zehn. It’s no problem.’
After Arken had left, Zehn and I did not talk. He made some cursory attempt to clear up and made the coffee. Then we sat in silence at the table, sipping drinks that were too hot. Eventually, Zehn sighed and put down his mug. ‘Why are you here, Jass?’
‘I don’t know. I just found myself here. I’ve been walking around all night.’
‘Did you find them together?’
‘No. I talked to the little shit, though. I’m not Mori, Zehn. I’m not going to fall apart. However, I’ve yet to decide whether I can stay here.’
‘You should get away for a couple of days maybe,’ Zehn said.
I laughed harshly. ‘Like where?’
‘Shadowvales. I know the little shit comes from there, but it’s a tranquil place and it’s close. It’d be good for you.’
‘I don’t know anyhar there though. I’m not sure I want to be alone.’ I rubbed my hair again. ‘Hell, I don’t know what to do.’
‘I’ll take you to the Shadowvales,’ Zehn said. ‘If you want to go.’
I stared at him for a few moments. ‘You don’t have to do that.’
‘Of course I don’t, but I will.’
‘That’s good of you. Thanks.’
‘I said I was your friend, and I meant it. Despite appearances, I think it’s right you came to me. I’m just not entirely sure how I feel about it. You know what I want to say to you, and I’m sure you suspect my motives.’
‘You think I should finish it, of course. Don’t worry. I doubt you’ll be alone with that advice.’
‘It’s difficult for me to advise you because of how much I feel for you.’ It was the first time he’d actually admitted it so openly. ‘I’m not unbiased. Some hara will think badly of me if I go away with you.’
‘Like Arken?’
Zehn laughed softly. ‘No, not him. He’s the first har I’ve ever been truly honest with, I think. He knows all about you.’
‘I see…’
‘So, before we do anything else, I have to say certain things, get them off my chest.’
‘All right.’
He took a deep breath. ‘I could kill him for what he’s done to you. He’s so fucking privileged. He has what I want, and he treats it as nothing. I don’t want to hear anything remotely flattering about him, or any justifications you might want to concoct for him. I don’t even want to hear or speak his name. He’s a prize-winning shit, an arrogant fuck and totally stupid. I would never treat you that way, ever.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know you’d never treat me that way.’
‘And I can never have you, not like he has you. I know that. You’ll probably take aruna with me some time in the near future, because you’ll need the closeness, and I’ll take what I can get. I think you’re fond of me, but it’ll never be like what you feel for that… Anyway, I just had to say it.’
‘I know.’
‘Don’t patronise me, Jass.’
‘I’m not. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘Do you still love him?’
‘I don’t know. It’s impossible to tell. At the moment, I could cheerfully hang him from the nearest oak.’
Zehn grinned. ‘I have a rope.’
I didn’t tell anyhar where I was going. I knew Zeph would be fine with Fahn. Let them all wonder what had happened to me. Let them all put two and two together when Arken told them I’d visited Zehn and they noticed Zehn was missing too. Why I felt I should punish my friends instead of the one har who truly deserved it, I have no idea. Ysobi would no doubt be unconcerned about my disappearance. He might even feel relief. I knew I was in a dangerous situation. It would be so easy to fall into Zehn’s arms, and give him what he wanted. But that wouldn’t be fair. Not really. Because I wanted Ysobi to be jealous. I wanted him to realise he wanted me.
The Shadowvales is a beautiful location, hidden in a deep cove, its buildings huddled against the black cliffs. The hara there were mystical and serene. I found it hard to imagine them having emotional crises. Zehn and I took a room, which fortunately we could pay for with sins (I never tire of the humorous aspect of those words), in a sway-backed old inn, run by three hara who looked as if they belonged in a medieval fantasy of wayward fairy folk. It took us only two hours to ride there from Jesith, so we took lunch in a room that looked down into the narrow harbour. ‘I think we’re too human,’ I said to Zehn.
‘Why’s that?’
‘All this stupid mess. It’s such a waste of time and energy. I don’t know who’s worse; me or him. Ysobi comes over as all über-har, but he was the one who wanted the harling. He was into the chesna fantasy more, I’m sure. I can’t believe I fell for it. I can’t believe I fell for him. I had a crush on my teacher. It was pitiable.’
‘Much as I enjoy hearing this, you don’t mean it,’ Zehn said. ‘It’s just your anger talking.’
‘We shouldn’t be like this, Zehn,’ I said. ‘It didn’t work for humans and it won’t work for us. We should just have roon friends and get on with life, not get screwed up with emotions and so on. I’ve learned my lesson.’
‘I tried living like that,’ Zehn said. ‘Unfortunately, I was the only har I knew who felt it was a valid way of life.’
‘Well, maybe I was wrong to criticise you. Fahn fell for you like I fell for Ysobi, like starry-eyed human teenagers. We should be ashamed of ourselves. I know you love me, Zehn, but you don’t behave like I did, or Fahn, or even Ysobi. You’re so… measured.’
‘It’s supposed to be me saying things to make you feel better,’ Zehn said. ‘Do shut up, Jass.’
‘You see?’ I gestured expansively. ‘That’s exactly what I mean.’
Zehn took my hands in his own over the table top. ‘Hey… rant all you like. But think about what you’re going to do.’
I squeezed his fingers. ‘Do? I suppose the obvious answer is to go home after a few days, carry on with my job, bring up Zeph, see what life brings. I have a harling now, for the Ag’s sake: a child! How the hell did I fall into this? I won’t run, Zehn. But I’m bruised. I’m bruised really badly. I let him into me.’
‘We’ll help you,’ Zehn said. ‘All of us.’
‘I know you will.’ There was
a silence. ‘Shall we go for a walk? Show me around. Let’s see if we can spot the little shit’s relatives.’
We walked out to the old lighthouse, now dim, that stood on the headland above the harbour. Here, Zehn took me in his arms and we shared breath. It was a friendly, non-demanding thing. I realised he was like a brother to me, but also more than that. He was not Ysobi, though. We sat on the bare rocks that were little islands in the scrub of coarse grass, and watched the sun go down. The tide was still going out, which was fortunate; otherwise we might have been stranded.
‘It feels so ancient here,’ I said. ‘It’s almost as if the land hasn’t yet realised that things have changed, that we’re here.’
Zehn lay back beside me, and stretched languorously. The image of his beauty was not lost on me. ‘Things have changed a lot in just a few years,’ he said. ‘I think that if we went far beyond the phylarchy, most of what we knew in the old world would have gone.’
I nodded, hugging my knees. ‘Do you ever wonder what happened to the human androgynes?’
Zehn pulled a quizzical face at me. ‘What?’
‘Well, the humans who were like us anyway, more or less. The ones that people called freaks, only they probably weren’t at all. It wasn’t uncommon, Zehn. Maybe they were precursors to us, dreams in the DNA. Were any of them incepted, do you think? I wonder about them, that’s all.’
Zehn put his arms behind his head. ‘I expect they’re dancing on humanity’s grave.’
‘I hope so. The world was a bad place, a very bad place. I want it to be better now, and it has to start with the individual, doesn’t it?’
He smiled at me. ‘I like the way you sound strong now.’
I leaned back on straight arms, face raised to the sky. ‘I feel good, surprisingly. I feel washed clean. I feel like I’m about to make a breakthrough.’
Zehn reached up and took a lock of my hair in his fingers, held it to his nose. I could feel his breath in every strand. We were magical creatures.
‘Zehn,’ I said. I lay down beside him and we shared breath again. He was so cautious, wanting me desperately yet having to battle with a sensible part of his mind that was shouting ‘No!’