“WOOOOOOHOOOOO I DIDN’T EVEN DROP MY BEER!” Fat Ralph shouts, holding his arm up above him that still holds the can.
“In case you were wondering, the FAM written next to his name in my address book didn’t mean family. It stood for Fucking Ass Motherfucker,” Sam tells me with a sigh.
With a sympathetic pat on his back, I grab his hand and pull him toward the house to join everyone else. Now I’m definitely going to put Scheva to work when she gets here. If anyone needs a release and some sex a day early, it’s Sam. Let’s just hope Fat Ralph is staying somewhere other than my parents’ house tonight.
15
Liquefying Labia
Sam
Have you ever had a feeling of doom? That feeling when one bad thing happens and you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it’s only the beginning? You’re positive it’s a sign, telling you that everything that could possibly go wrong in your life, will quickly follow that one bad thing in a tidal wave of horrible shit that you can never un-see, resulting in nightmares for the rest of your life. That’s pretty much where I’m at right now, standing in Nicholas’s old bedroom at Reggie and Bev’s house, staring at myself in the mirror above the dresser, trying to pinpoint exactly what that first bad thing was.
Naturally, I want to blame my jack-ass of a foster brother for showing up yesterday afternoon, but then I’d have to blame Bev and Aunt Bobbie for inviting him. Then I’d have to blame Noel for being worried about my lack of family at the wedding and I can’t fault any of them for loving me and caring about me. Right now, I’ve settled on blaming my dick for all that has happened, mostly because he can’t talk back when I curse at him.
I have to say, I look damn fine and I’m kind of glad one of the bad things that happened over the last few weeks was Alex doing exactly what I warned him about—pissing off the seamstress at the tux shop so much that she’d cancel our order. Thankfully, my soon-to-be wife was still in Keep Calm mode when we got the call, she quickly wrote down everyone’s measurements, and her and Aunt Bobbie ran to the mall to get us all something to wear.
Running my hand down my tie, I unbutton the cuffs of my fitted white dress shirt and roll them up to my elbows before straightening the grey belt attached to my gray dress pants. Noel got myself, Reggie, Nicholas, and Alex the same outfits, with the exception of the ties. They’d be wearing ties the same color gray as the pants, and I got a scarlet red one. Honestly, not having to wear a tux, when the temperature has already reached ninety degrees before noon, is perfectly fine with me, but I’m still adding this to the list of bad shit I’ve been calculating in my head.
After having to sit through Ralph explain in detail to everyone why he gave me the name of Shit Sock, an unfortunate event that involved Ralph shitting in a pair of socks when we camped in the backyard one night when we were teenagers, and me sliding them on at four in the morning when I had to take a piss, I couldn’t wait for him to go the hell away. There’s a reason why we’ve only communicated via email for the last seventeen years.
Even with the retelling of the shit sock story for a second time for Scheva’s benefit when she showed up to the house, Noel still had that look in her eye that I’ve learned to look for in the last seven months. The one that can give me a boner in two-point-five seconds, even after the vibrating phone incident and even with Ralph going on and on about me putting on a pair of shit-filled socks, in between chugging an entire case of beer by himself and hitting on all the females in the room.
All through the night, including when we went outside to do a run-through of the ceremony, and after Ralph made Alex drive him to KFC to pick up chicken, Noel kept giving me that look. The one that said she was one second away from dragging me into an empty room and fucking my brains out. The hope that she had decided to end our agreement a day early was the only thing that gave me a reason to live all night. Noel found every excuse she could to rub her body against mine, graze her fingertips over my upper thigh right by my dick, and gently run her fingers through my hair at the nape of my neck. When she leaned closer to me on the couch when no one was looking and nibbled on my earlobe, I shot up to my feet, grabbed her hand and told everyone we had a wedding errand to run.
Bev chose that moment to inform me that Ralph would be staying at my place, Ralph held up a chicken leg in his greasy fingers and pointed it at me with a cheer, and my dick wilted and died in my pants as Noel and I both slumped back to the couch with echoing sighs of frustration.
“Awwww, look how pretty you are, Pussy Face,” Alex says with a smile as he waltzes into the room, shuts the door behind him and spins around. “Now, you’re supposed to tell me how devilishly handsome I look.”
I glare at him through the reflection in the mirror as I straighten my tie.
“Aren’t you supposed to be keeping an eye on Ralph and making sure he doesn’t try to breed with any of the guests?” I ask.
“Now, now, don’t get your moist panties all in a bunch just because I got laid three times last night and you had to listen to your brother crank one out while he watched YouTube videos of how to do self-breast exams,” Alex scolds, making me wish I could erase everything I heard at three in the morning from my memory. “I left Aunt Bobbie in charge of Fat Ralph so I could come up and check on you.”
Leaning forward, I rest my hands on top of the dresser and close my eyes, forcing myself to think of nothing but good thoughts. Like how great Bev made the yard look with a tasteful and awesome Ohio State theme, and how beautiful I know Noel will be when I finally see her in her wedding dress.
“Can you stop imagining me naked for one minute so I can give you your wedding present?” Alex asks.
I sigh, opening my eyes and turning to face him. He pulls a thin square package from behind his back, covered in penis wrapping paper, and holds it out to me.
“Don’t worry, I’ll never be able to tell if you get a boner from the wrapping paper or from what’s inside, so you can just keep that knowledge to yourself,” he laughs, holding the present out to me.
With a roll of my eyes, I snatch it from his hand and rip off the penis paper, my jaw dropping when I see what he’s given me. I should probably be pissed that he didn’t delete this picture from his phone, but I’m too busy staring at it, thanking the heavens that I’m still able to even get an erection after the events of yesterday.
“Yes, I printed and framed an 8x10 photo of that shot Noel sent you in the blue lace number with the stars on her tits. I’m pretty sure the teenager who had to help me figure out the photo printing machine at Walmart this morning came in his pants faster than you did when Nicholas gave you a handy in your pocket yesterday,” Alex tells me. “And three of the guys behind the counter made extra copies for themselves. No need to thank me. The struggle on your face as you try not to whip your dick out and spank the monkey is thanks enough.”
I should probably punch him. The manly thing to do would be to punch the guy who sent a half-naked photo of your fiancée to his phone, and then shared it with half the staff of Walmart, but staring down at this picture of Noel reminds me how lucky I am that in less than an hour, she’s going to marry me. It also reminds me that my dick is still angry and demanding attention as it stirs to life behind my pants.
“I know that alone is the best gift you’ll ever get, but there’s one more present that goes along with the picture,” Alex tells me while I continue staring down at the framed photo of the hottest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. “You’ll be happy to know everyone is currently outside greeting guests and doing other wedding preparation stuff, and I told all of them I just took a massive dump in the downstairs bathroom and they probably shouldn’t come back inside for at least thirty minutes so the air can clear.”
Finally tearing my eyes from the photo, I look up at Alex in confusion and a little disgust.
“How would that possibly make me happy or be any kind of a present that I’d want?”
Alex laughs and shakes his head at me.
“Jes
us, and I thought my dick turned me stupid. Your lack of orgasms has just given you a front row seat on the short bus,” Alex sighs.
When I don’t say anything in response, he waits a few seconds before throwing his hands up in the air in annoyance.
“Dude, no one will be stepping foot back in this house for a half hour. As soon as I leave, it will just be you and Noel. Alone. In the house. TOGETHER,” he explains slowly. “I know you’ll only need ten seconds of that half hour, so feel free to use the other twenty-nine minutes and fifty seconds to discuss how awesome I am.”
He smirks at me and suddenly, what he just said clicks into place in my brain. Tossing the framed photo on the bed, I grab the items I paced there earlier and tuck them under my arm. Alex opens the door as I rush across the room, pausing quickly in front of him.
“You’re the best, best man in the entire world. Delete that photo from your phone immediately, or I’ll go Reggie on your ass and cut off your dick while you’re sleeping,” I tell him with a smile and a pat on the back as I race out of the room and down the hall.
I take the stairs two-at-a-time, skipping the last couple of steps as I jump off of them and run through the house. Even though I got ready at my house this morning, Bev put me in Nicholas’s old room when I got here, with strict instructions not to step one foot out the door or even open it until someone came to get me to tell me it was time to go out to the yard. She quickly ushered me up there and shut me inside a few minutes before Noel was due back from the salon where her and Scheva went to have their hair and make-up done. Reggie kept stopping by every few minutes after she got home, making sure I was following the rules and going nowhere near Noel while she was downstairs, locked away in the room they use as an office to finish getting ready.
Honestly, I had no problem staying upstairs at the opposite end of the house from Noel all morning. I had been looking forward to this wedding tradition of not seeing my bride-to-be until she started walking down the aisle toward me. Now, running through the empty house and not being stopped by Reggie jumping out from behind a corner wielding a kitchen knife, all I can think about is seeing Noel and getting a few minutes alone with her before we have to go outside in front of all those people.
I skid to a stop right outside the office door, taking a few seconds to slow down my breathing, straighten my tie and try to get the hard-on in my pants under control. Yes, I absolutely want to have sex with Noel right now, but more importantly, I just want to see her. I want to wrap my arms around her, tell her I love her, and thank her for still wanting to marry me after the insanity of the last seven months. With a deep breath, I quietly turn the handle of the door and slowly push it open, stopping in my tracks when I see Noel across the room. I’d like to say I’m frozen in place because of how beautiful she is, and while that’s true, I’m also unable to move because I’m mentally trying to remind myself that if I laugh right now, she will surely kick me in the balls.
“If you came back in here without that ice sculpture in your hands so I can sit on it, you’re dead to me,” Noel complains, her head turning in my direction and a gasp flying out of her mouth when she sees me standing in the doorway. “Holy shit, I thought you were my mother. What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to see me yet!”
My eyes leave hers to glance down at what she’s doing between her legs and I have to bite down on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing.
“Don’t you dare laugh at me! Do you have any idea what it’s like to be wearing all this lace in July and feel your vagina melting down your legs?” she asks me in irritation, hefting the front of her skirt up higher and moving the white table fan she currently has gripped in her free hand, closer to her thighs.
Gently closing the door behind me, I walk across the room. Noel’s eyes glaze over and she hums in relief as the fan set on the highest speed blows air against her vagina. I stop a foot away from her when I see she’s wearing the blue lace thong with the red star in the center, the same one in the picture Alex gave me.
“Nice underwear.”
I watch as a faint, pink blush spreads across her cheeks while she glances down at herself and starts moving the fan all around the general area between her legs.
“Yeah, well, my dress is something new, the engagement ring you gave me that was your mother’s is something borrowed, and I decided this underwear was festive for the Fourth of July and it should be my something blue,” she explains. “You should be thanking me for making sure I stuck to that wedding tradition since you totally screwed up the whole not seeing each other before the ceremony. You better hope it doesn’t cancel out my good deed and bring us bad luck today. Fat Ralph already peed on the warning sign my mother posted by the ice sculpture telling people NOT to pee on it, and I’m pretty sure she redid the invitations Scheva and I torched and invited a hundred people we don’t know. I saw three Amish buggies pull up a little bit ago, and an SUV spit out at least twenty strippers. It was like a stripper clown car and I have no idea how all those women, even wearing half the amount of clothing as everyone else could fit in that thing comfortably. I can’t believe my mother invited Pinky VonPump and all her stripper friends.”
She’s still blushing and now she’s rambling, and it’s the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen as she talks about the stripper named Pinky who her mother befriended around Valentine’s Day and invited to live here while her apartment was being fumigated for termites. It hits me that she’s nervous and I realize she’s probably nervous because I’ve been standing here like an idiot and haven’t said one word about how she looks.
Taking the fan from her hand, I shut it off and set it on the floor. Noel drops her hold on the front of her dress and it falls down around her legs as I close the distance between us and stand right in front of her.
“You look stunning,” I whisper, staring into her green eyes, made even more beautiful with the sparkly green eyeliner that lines the lids where her full, long dark eyelashes blink rapidly.
“My vagina is melting. You weren’t supposed to see me until I walked down the aisle to you, all pretty and perfect and without a liquefying labia,” she complains softly.
“I knew you’d be beautiful, but I had no idea you’d take my breath away,” I tell her, looking down between us at the vintage lace dress that molds to her curves, with a red satin ribbon tied around her small waist.
“Stop saying such sweet things when I’m trying to be mad at you for walking in on me holding a fan to my crotch,” she tells me with a sniffle as her eyes fill with tears.
“Fine,” I say with a smile. “Your tits look AMAZING in that dress, I could bounce a quarter off of your tight ass, and a melting vagina just means I’ll have an easier time sticking my dick in you later.”
She sighs and gives me a big smile.
“That’s more like it. I don’t want to cry when you talk like a pig. What do you have tucked under your arm there?” she asks, nodding her head at the presents I grabbed from the bed.
Pulling them out, I hold the larger box wrapped in white paper out to her.
“Presents,” I explain. “Happy wedding day.”
Her smile gets even larger as she quickly snatches the gift out of my hand and tears into it, throwing her head back and laughing when she gets the paper off.
“All six seasons of Mister Ed on DVD? Awwwwww, Sam, you shouldn’t have,” she laughs again.
“Obviously I ordered those before I know what the hell Mister Ed meant,” I tell her with a roll of my eyes. “Don’t worry, I got you something else that has nothing to do with my penis.”
She sets the DVD’s down on the chair next to her when I hand her another smaller box, wrapped in the same white paper. Noel quickly unwraps it, letting the paper flutter to the floor. I watch her eyes fill with tears when she pulls the lid off and sees what’s inside.
Pulling the item out for her, I wrap it around her wrist.
“It’s a charm bracelet, with a charm for every major event in our
lives so far,” I explain, clasping the ends together.
Noel twists her wrist, running her fingers over each charm.
“A Christmas tree for when we met and fell in love, Cupid holding a heart for when I officially proposed, and an American flag for our wedding,” I tell her with a tense shrug, hoping she doesn’t think it’s the dumbest gift in the world.
She finally lifts her face to mine and steps forward, pressing her hands against my chest.
“It’s perfect, Sam. I love it. How much time do we have before the ceremony?” she asks.
Bringing my arm up between us, I twist my wrist to look at my watch.
“About twenty minutes.”
Her hands slide down my chest, gliding across my stomach and continue their descent until I take in a shuddering breath when I realize what she’s doing. One of her hands stops to fumble with my belt, and the other keeps descending until I feel her palm my dick through my dress pants.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to test out the merchandise before I buy it,” she tells me in a low, raspy voice filled with need.
I groan when she expertly undoes my belt, button and zipper with one hand and slides them both inside my pants and boxer briefs. My hips jerk against her when one of her hands cups my balls and the other wraps around my shaft, moving it slowly up and down.
Noel lets out a squeal of surprise when I yank her hands out of my pants, smack my palms against her ass and clutch it tightly as I lift her up against me. She grabs onto my shoulder with one hand, using the other to quickly bunch up the material of her dress and move it out of the way, wrapping her legs around my waist as I move. I walk the couple of steps needed to get to the wall, pushing her up against it right next to the window that looks out over the backyard where all of the guests have started taking their seats.
“I hate to inform you, but this test drive might be the fastest one you’ve ever experienced. I promise I’ll make it up to you tonight, tomorrow night, and every night for the rest of our lives, just please don’t judge me on what will most likely be a twenty-second performance, and promise me you’ll still purchase the merchandise” I beg her.