But I could never see as far as Franny could see. I was not really looking beyond that moment; I had even forgotten Ronda Ray.
'You were going to take a bath,' I reminded Franny, who seemed in need of reminding -- or some other advice.
'What?' she said.
'A bath,' I said. 'That's what was going to happen next. You were going to take a bath.'
'Ha!' Franny cried. 'The hell with that!' she said. 'Fuck the bath!' said Franny, and went on hugging herself, and moving in place, as if she were trying to dance with herself. I couldn't tell whether she was happy or upset, but when I began to fool with her -- to dance with her, and push her, and tickle her under the arms, she pushed and tickled and danced back, and we ran out of the switchboard room and up the stairwell to the second-floor landing.
'Rain, rain, rain!' Franny started yelling, and I became terribly embarrassed; Ronda Ray opened the door to her dayroom, and frowned at us.
'We're having a rain dance,' Franny told her. 'Want to dance with us?'
Ronda smiled. She had on a shocking-orange nightgown. There was a magazine in her hand.
'Not right now,' she said.
'Rain, rain, it's going to rain!' Franny went off dancing.
Ronda shook her head at me -- but nicely -- and then shut her door.
I chased Franny outside into Elliot Park. We could see Mother and Father at the window by the fire escape in 3E. Mother had opened the window to call to us.
'Go get Egg and Lilly at the movies!' she said.
'What are you doing in that room?' I called back.
'Cleaning it!' said Mother.
'Rain, rain, rain!' Franny screamed, and we ran downtown to the matinee.
Egg and Lilly came out of the movies with Junior Jones.
'It's a kids' movie,' Franny said to Jones. 'How come you went?'
'I'm just a big kid,' Junior said. He held her hand while we all walked home, and Franny took a stroll with him through the Dairy School grounds; I continued toward home with Egg and Lilly.
'Does Franny love Junior Jones?' Lilly asked, seriously.
'Well, she likes him, anyway,' I said. 'He is her friend.'
'What?' said Egg.
It was almost Thanksgiving. Junior was staying with us for Thanksgiving vacation, because his parents didn't send him enough money to go home. And several of the foreign students at the Dairy School -- who lived too far away to go home for Thanksgiving -- would be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone liked having Junior around, but the foreign students, whom nobody knew, had been Father's idea -- and Mother had gone along, saying it was the kind of thing Thanksgiving was originally for. Maybe, but we children did not care for the invasion. Guests in the hotel were one thing, and there was one of those staying with us -- a famous Finnish doctor, supposedly, who was there to visit his daughter at the Dairy School. She was one of the foreigners coming to dinner. The others included a Japanese whom Frank knew from his taxidermy project; the Japanese had been sworn to secrecy over the stuffing of Sorrow, Frank had told me, but the boy's English was so bad that he could have blurted out the truth and no one would have understood him. Then there were two Korean girls, whose hands were so pretty and small Lilly would never take her eyes from them -- not for the entire dinner. They perhaps kindled an interest in eating that had been absent in Lilly before, however, because they ate lots of things with their little fingers -- in such a delicate and beautiful way that Lilly began to play with her food in this fashion, and eventually even ate some. Egg, of course, would spend the day shouting 'What?' to the tragically incomprehensible Japanese boy. And Junior Jones would eat, and eat, and eat -- making Mrs. Urick nearly detonate with pride.
'Now, there is an appetite!' said Mrs. Urick, admiringly.
'If I was as big as that, I'd eat like that, too,' Max said.
'No you wouldn't,' said Mrs. Urick. 'You don't have it in you.'
Ronda Ray did not wear her waitress uniform; she sat and ate with the family, jumping up to clear the dishes and serve things from the kitchen, along with Franny and Mother and the big blonde girl from Finland whose famous father was visiting her.
The Finnish girl was enormous and made swooping movements around the table that made Lilly cringe. She was a big blue-and-white ski-sweater sort of girl, who kept hugging her father, a big blue-and-white ski-sweater sort of man.
'Ho!' he kept crying, at the arrival of new food from the kitchen.
'Ya-hoo,' Franny whispered.
'Holy cow,' said Junior Jones.
Iowa Bob sat next to Jones at the table; their end of the table was nearest the television above the bar, so that they could watch the football game in progress through our dinner.
'If that's a clip, I'll eat my plate,' Jones would say.
'Eat your plate,' Coach Bob would say.
'What's a "clip"?' the famous Finnish doctor would ask, only it sounded like 'Wot's a clop?'
Iowa Bob would then offer to demonstrate a clip, on Ronda, who was willing, and the Korean girls giggled shyly to themselves, and the Japanese struggled -- with his turkey, with his butter knife, with Frank's mumbling explanations, with Egg's shouts of 'What!' all the time, with (apparently) everything.
'This is the loudest dinner I've ever eaten,' Franny said.
'What?' Egg cried.
'Jesus God,' said Father.
'Lilly,' Mother said. 'Please eat. Then you'll grow.'
'What's that?' said the famous Finnish doctor, only it sounded like 'Wot's dot?' He looked at Mother and Lilly. 'Who's not growing?' he asked.
'Oh, it's nothing,' Mother said.
'It's me,' said Lilly. 'I've stopped growing.'
'No you haven't, dear,' Mother said.
'Her growth appears to be arrested,' Father said.
'Ho, arrested!' the Finn said, staring at Lilly. 'Not growing, eh?' he asked her. She nodded in her small way. The doctor put his hands on her head and peered into her eyes. Everyone stopped eating, except the Japanese boy and the Korean girls.
'How do you say?' the doctor asked, and then said something unpronounceable to his daughter.
'Tape measure,' she said.
'Ho, a tape measure?' the doctor cried. Max Urick ran and got one. The doctor measured Lilly around her chest, around her waist, around her wrists and ankles, around her shoulders, around her head.
'She's all right,' Father said. 'It's nothing.'
'Be quiet,' Mother said.
The doctor wrote down all the figures.
'Ho!' he said.
'Eat up your food, dear,' Mother told Lilly, but Lilly was staring at the figures the doctor had written on his napkin.
'How do you say?' the doctor asked his daughter, and said another unpronounceable word. This time the daughter drew a blank. 'You don't know?' her father asked her. She shook her head. 'Where's the dictionary?' he asked her.
'In my dorm,' she said.
'Ho!' he said. 'Go and get it.'
'Now?' she said, and looked wistfully at her second serving of goose and turkey and stuffing, heaped upon her plate.
'Go, go!' her father said. 'Of course now. Go! Ho! Go!' he said, and the big blue-and-white ski-sweater girl was gone.
'It's -- how you say? -- a pathological condition,' the famous Finnish doctor said, calmly.
'A pathological condition?' Father said.
'A pathological condition of arrested growth,' said the doctor. 'It's common, and there's a variety of causes.'
'A pathological condition of arrested growth,' Mother repeated.
Lilly shrugged; she imitated the way the Korean girls skinned a drumstick.
When the big, blonde, out-of-breath girl was back, she looked stricken to see that Ronda Ray had cleared her plate; she handed the dictionary to her father.
'Ho!' Franny whispered across the table to me, and I kicked her under the table. She kicked me back; I kicked back at her and kicked Junior Jones by mistake.
'Ow,' he said.
'Sorry,' I said.
'Ho!' said the Finnish doctor, putting his finger on the word. 'Dwarfism!' he exclaimed.
It was quiet at the table, except for the sound of the Japanese struggling with his creamed corn.
'Are you saying she's a dwarf?' Father asked the doctor.
'Ho, yes! A dwarf,' the doctor said.
'Bullshit,' said Iowa Bob. That's no dwarf -- that's a little girl! That's a child, you moron!'
'What is "moron"?' the doctor asked his daughter, but she wouldn't tell him.
Ronda Ray brought out the pies.
'You're no dwarf, dear,' Mother whispered to Lilly, but Lilly just shrugged.
'So what if I am?' she said, bravely. 'I'm a good kid.'
'Bananas,' said Iowa Bob, darkly. And no one knew if he meant that as a cure -- 'Just feed her bananas!' -- or if he was stating a euphemism for 'bullshit.'
Anyway, that was Thanksgiving, 1956, and we careened on toward Christmas in that fashion: pondering size, listening to love, giving up baths, hoping to properly pose the dead -- running and lifting and waiting for rain.
It was a morning in early December when Franny woke me. It was still dark in my room, and the snorkling sound of Egg's breathing reached me through the open connecting doorway; Egg was still asleep. There was someone's softer, controlled breathing nearer to me than Egg, and I was aware of Franny's smell -- a smell I hadn't known for a while: a rich but never rank smell, a little salty, a little sweet, strong but never syrupy. And in the darkness I knew that Franny had been cured of taking baths. It was overhearing my Mother and Father that did it; I think that made her own smell seem perfectly natural to Franny again.
'Franny?' I whispered, because I couldn't see her. Her hand brushed my cheek.
'Over here,' she said. She was curled against the wall and the headboard of my bed; how she could squeeze in beside me without waking me, I'll never know. I turned toward her and smelled that she'd brushed her teeth. 'Listen,' she whispered. I heard Franny's heartbeat and mine, and Egg deep-sea diving in the adjoining room. And something else, as soft as Franny's breath.
'It's rain, dummy,' Franny said, and wormed a knuckle into my ribs. 'It's raining, kid,' she told me. 'It's your big day!'
'It's still dark,' I said. 'I'm still sleeping.'
'It's dawn,' Franny hissed in my ear; then she bit my cheek and started tickling me under the covers.
'Cut it out, Franny!' I said.
'Rain, rain, rain,' she chanted. 'Don't be chicken. Frank and I have been up for hours.
She said that Frank was at the switchboard, playing with the squawk-box system. Franny dragged me out of bed and made me brush my teeth and put on my track clothes, as if I were going to run wind sprints on the stairs, as usual. Then she took me to Frank at the switchboard, and the two of them counted out the money and told me to hide it in one of my running shoes -- a thick wad of bills, mostly ones and fives.
'How can I run with that in my shoe?' I asked.
'You're not going to run, remember?' Franny said.
'How much is it?' I asked.
'First find out if she charges,' Franny said. 'Then worry if you have enough.'
Frank sat at the controls of the switchboard like the crazed operator of some flight-control tower at an airport under attack.
'And what are you guys going to do?' I asked.
'We're just looking out for you,' Frank said. 'If you really start embarrassing yourself, we'll call for a fire drill or something.'
'Oh, great!' I said. 'I don't need this.'
'Look, kid,' Franny said. 'We got the money, we have a right to listen.'
'Oh boy,' I said.
'You'll do just fine,' Franny said. 'Don't be nervous.'
'What if it's all a misunderstanding?' I asked.
That's actually what I think it is,' Frank said. 'In which case,' he said, 'just take the money out of your shoe and run your wind sprints up and down the stairs.'
'You pill, Frank,' Franny said. 'Shut up and give us the bed check.'
Click, click, click, click: Iowa Bob was a subway again, miles underground; Max Urick slept behind his static, with a static all his own; Mrs. Urick and a stockpot or two were simmering; the guest in 3H -- the grim aunt of a student at the Dairy School, whose name was Bower -- slept with a snore like the sound of a chisel being sharpened.
'And . . . good morning, Ronda!' Franny whispered, as Frank turned on her room. Oh, the delicious sound of Ronda Ray asleep! A sea breeze blowing through silk! I felt my armpits start to sweat.
'Get the hell up there,' Franny said to me, 'before it stops raining.'
Fat chance of that, I knew, glancing out the portal windows on the stairwell: Elliot Park was submerged, the water flooding over the curbs and carving ditches through the playground equipment; the grey sky was teeming rain. I pondered running a few laps, up and down the stairs -- not necessarily for old times' sake, but thinking that this might be the most familiar way to wake Ronda up. But when I was standing in the hall outside her door, my fingers tingled, and I was already breathing hard -- harder than I knew, Franny told me, later; she said that she and Frank could hear me over the intercom, even before Ronda got up and opened the door.
'It's either John-O or a runaway train,' Ronda whispered before she let me in, but I couldn't talk. I was already out of breath, as if I'd been running the stairs all morning.
It was dark in her room, but I could see that she was wearing the blue one. Her morning breath was slightly sour -- but it smelled nice to me, and she smelled nice to me, although I would think, later, that her smell was simply Franny's smell taken several stages too far.
'Goodness, what cold knees -- from wearing those pants without the legs!' said Ronda Ray. 'Come in here and get warm.'
I stumbled out of my shorts, and she said, 'Goodness, what cold arms -- from wearing that shirt without the sleeves!' And I struggled out of that, too. I got out of my running shoes, managing to conceal the wad of money by stuffing it into the toe of one shoe.
And I wonder if it wasn't making love under the squawk-box system that coloured my feelings about sexual intercourse from that moment on. Even now -- when I'm almost forty -- I am inclined to whisper. I remember begging Ronda Ray to whisper, too.
'I could have screamed at you to "speak up" ' Franny told me later. 'It made me so damn mad -- all that silly whispering!'
But there were other things I might have told Ronda Ray if I hadn't known that Franny could hear. I never really thought about Frank, although I would always tend to see him -- throughout our lives, together and apart -- as stationed at an intercom, somewhere, listening in on love. I imagine Frank as listening in on love with the same displeased expression he wore for most of his tasks: a vague but widespread distaste, even bordering on disgust.
'You're quick, John-O, you're very quick,' Ronda Ray told me.
'Please whisper,' I told her, talking in a muffled voice into her wildly colourful hair.
I owe my sexual nervousness to this initiation -- a feeling I have never quite escaped: that I've got to watch what I say and do, somehow, or risk betraying Franny. Is it because of Ronda Ray, in that first Hotel New Hampshire, that I always imagine Franny is listening in?
'It sounded a little subdued,' Franny told me later. 'But I'm sure that's okay -- for the first time.'
Thank you for not coaching, from the sidelines,' I told her.
'Did you really think I would?' she asked me, and I apologized; but I never knew what Franny would or wouldn't do.
'How's it coming with the dog, Frank?' I kept asking, as Christmas bore down upon us all.
'How's it coming with the whispering?' Frank asked. 'I notice it's been raining a lot, lately.'
Or, if it didn't really rain a lot -- that year, just before Christmas -- I admit I took the liberty of interpreting snow as almost rain; or even a cloudy morning that threatened to be rain or snow, sometime later. And it was one of those times, very near to Christmas -- when I'd long ago given Frank and Franny back the wa
d of money I'd stuffed in my shoe -- that Ronda Ray asked me, 'Do you know, John-O, that it's customary to tip a waitress?' And I got the picture; I wondered if Franny overheard me that morning -- or overheard the subsequent crinkling of bills.
I spent my Christmas money on Ronda Ray.
I bought a little something for Mother and Father, of course. We were not big on gifts at Christmas -- the idea was to give something silly. I think I got Father an apron to wear behind the bar at the Hotel New Hampshire; it was one of those aprons with a stupid slogan on it. I think I got Mother a china bear. Frank always got Father a tie and Mother a scarf, and Mother gave the scarves to Franny, who wore them every which way, and Father gave the ties back to Frank, who liked ties.
For Christmas, 1956, we made something special for Iowa Bob: a framed, blown-up photograph of Junior Jones scoring Dairy's only touchdown against Exeter. That was not so silly, but everything else was. Franny bought Mother a sexy dress that Mother would never wear. Franny was hoping Mother would give it to her, but Mother would never have allowed Franny to wear it, either.
'She can wear it for Father when they visit old Three E,' Franny told me, in a grouchy mood.
Father bought Frank a bus driver's uniform, because Frank was so fond of uniforms; Frank would wear it when he played doorman at the Hotel New Hampshire. On those rare occasions when we had more than one overnight guest, Frank liked to pretend that there was always a doorman at the Hotel New Hampshire. The bus driver's uniform was the good old Dairy death-grey colour; the pants and the jacket sleeves were too short for Frank, and the cap was too large, so that Frank had an ominous, seedy-funeral-parlour look to him when he let in the guests.
'Welcome to the Hotel New Hampshire!' he practiced saying, but it always sounded as if he didn't mean it.
No one knew what to get Lilly -- certainly not a dwarf, or an elf, or anything little.
'Give her food!' Iowa Bob suggested, a few days before Christmas. My family never went in for all this organized Christmas shopping shit, either. It was always down-to-the-last-minute with us, although Iowa Bob made a big deal about the tree that he chopped down in Elliot Park one morning: it was too large to stand up in the restaurant of the Hotel New Hampshire without being cut in half.
'You chopped down that lovely tree in the park!' Mother said.
'Well, we own the park, don't we?' Coach Bob said. 'What else do you do with trees?' He was from Iowa, after all, where you can see for miles -- sometimes, without a tree in sight.