Read The Humdrum Lives of Cryptids, Monsters, and Villains Page 23
with shaking hands. She takes it back from him, folds it, and places it in her pocket. They stare at each other for a moment, as if at a loss for words. Finally, Loretta speaks.
Loretta: Do you need assistance with the installation.
Obsequiam: No, of course no-... I mean, yes. Please stay and install the electromagnetic capacitor. Such a thing is beyond me...
Loretta: That seems odd, given the advanced state of this laboratory and those calculations written on your chalkboard. But alright.
Obsequiam hovered near the edge of the Destructomatic 3400 as Loretta installed the new electromagnetic capacitor. They exchange the type of awkward glances that only wildly unrealistic instant love can facilitate.
Loretta: It is finished. What mode would you like to set it to?
Obsequiam: Light drain.
Loretta: And the power level?
Obsequiam: Universal...
Loretta: Alright... That's that and all is done. Enjoy robbing the universe of all light, Obsequiam.
Loretta readies herself to exit as Obsequiam wrings his hands in a nervous fashion.
Obsequiam: Wait! I'm about to ask you a question that I've only ever asked of the all-encompassing darkness...
Loretta: Oh? Go on...
Obsequiam: May I see you again?
Loretta smiles at Obsequiam mischievously.
Loretta: I have a feeling we’ll be seeing each other again.
Loretta's form begins to shift and separate as she turns into a murder of black crows once more. The crows fly off-stage leaving Obsequiam alone to begin a soliloquy. He flips levers and switches, turns knobs, and presses buttons on the Destructomatic 3400 and it begins to light up and make noises as he speaks.
Obsequiam: A moment ago I saw the true darkness I have been dreaming of attaining all this time... Before I met Loretta I thought only the Destructomatic 3400 could fulfill my desires, but now... Now I feel... Well, it's silly, but I don't think words alone could describe...
Music begins to play. First is a flurry of woodwinds that brings to mind the twittering and wing flaps of tiny birds fluttering about on a dewy spring morning. A trio of bass drums begin beating faster and faster. As their speed reaches culmination and remains steady, a chorus of sasquatches rises before the stage. As the strings, xylophones, and brass instruments start playing, Obsequiam begins to sing in a rich operatic tenor, backed by the chorus below.
Obsequiam: My loooove, at last I've fooooouuund youuuu. With her hair dark as niiiiiight, robbing stars of their liiiiiii-iiii-iiiight!
Obsequiam's clone enters from offstage. He harmonizes with Obsequiam while playing an accordion.
Obsequiam and his Clone: You caaaaaame, and then you flew awaaaaaay. I wish you would have staaaaaaayed, such mistakes I have maaaaaa-aaaa-aaaaaade. Do I continue with my plaaaaaan? Or do I take a staaa-aaaaa-aaaaand?
A marching band of minotaurs enters the stage from both sides in full uniform while playing snare drums. Although the music continues to play, Obsequiam no longer sings, he now speaks loudly above the din caused by the music.
Obsequiam: Now, I must make the most difficult choice of my evil sasquatch scientist life... Do I rob the entire universe of light? Or do I abandon my charge and seek Loretta, the shapeshifting Destructomatic delivery person whose hair, eyes, and sometimes feathers, are as dark as the darkest darkness I could have ever imagined?.... It's all so clear now... I have made my choice. I now know the darkness which I seek!
Clone: Alright, Obsequerie!
The Clone smacks a bright red button upon the Destructomatic 3400. The music stops instantly and the lights flicker violently. The Clone has obviously misread the situation and thought that Obsequiam was going forward with his original plan rather than seeking out Loretta. Or maybe he thought this would help him find Loretta or something. It's hard to know for certain given the Clone's flawed mental processes.
Obsequiam: You fool! You dastardly fool! I curse the day I duplicated you! I must stop the machine... I must stop the all-encompassing darkness so that I may find my darkness... My Loretta!
Clone: Who's Loretta?
Obsequiam: Begone with you!
Obsequiam's Clone exits the stage unperturbed. He plays his accordion corresponding with each footstep he takes as he exits the stage. The lights go dim as the scene ends.
Act 2 Scene 2
The lights rise to reveal Obsequiam in center stage, once more holding his telephone to his ear. The right side of the stage is occupied by the elves of the third party customer service agency. They continue to mime speech at their long wooden table lined with telephones even though there is much less light in the sky behind them now. The fake in the window snow falls thicker than ever. The elf named Irritatious picks up a telephone as the scene begins.
Irritatious: Destructomatic customer service hotline, this is Irritatious speaking. If it is service you seek, perhaps I can be of assistance.
Obsequiam: Listen now, vile creature, and listen closely.
Irritatious: Could it be? Could it truly be? Did our cryptid baseball discussion not fully satisfy you?
Obsequiam: This is not about that, although I was right... I need assistance as I seem to have misplaced by Destructomatic 3400 manual.
Irritatious: Your address is on file from earlier. I will mail a manual today and it will arrive at your laboratory within four to sixty weeks. Good day, Obsequiam.
Obsequiam: You fool! The Earth will be a frozen sphere of despair in four to sixty weeks if you do not aid me immediately!
Irritatious: Deceive me not... Did you really go through with your despicable plan? Is that the reason for this darkness which has befallen us?
Obsequiam: Sort of... It's technically not my fault.
Irritatious: By the wounds of Zeus! They really need to start doing thorough background checks before they sell machines that can destroy the universe...
Obsequiam: You have no idea how badly I want to debate, and defeat you, once more...
Irritatious: Give me your best!
Obsequiam: There's no time! If we save everything in existence from a dark and icy death then we can debate background checks for universal destruction mechanisms.
Irritatious: Fine! Tell me what you want.
Obsequiam: I need to stop the Destructomatic 3400 and return the light that it has extinguished thus far.
Irritatious: But you don't have any questions about your warranty or returning the Destructomatic 3400? Or general comments?
Obsequiam: What? No, of course not. Why is this happening?
Irritatious: Please hold while I summon my supervisor.
Obsequiam: Blast you, vile customer service representative! A plague upon thee!
Santa Claus appears on stage. He looks as though he is nervous and a little angry.
Santa Claus: Ho ho Obsequiam....
Obsequiam: Yes sir...?
Santa Claus: You've been a very naughty sasquatch.
Obsequiam: I thought you were omniscient? If you were, you'd know that -
Santa Claus: I know that it was your clone who pressed the button. You might as well have guided his hairy hand though. You have behaved most rashly. Besides, you should have moved the clone away from the machine before the marching band entered.
Obsequiam: Wow... Wait, I've not any time to be astonished by your omniscience now. Tarry not in contacting Destructomatic immediately. Tell them to reverse the process! I've found the darkness I seek and it walks among us. I've been foolish!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho.... Yes you have. But there's no time to berate you right now. Let me just say that you shouldn't expect a large pile of presents this year. I'll call them immediately.
The lights completely dim on center stage, and they dim minutely on the portion of the stage housing the set for the third party customer service agency. The light rises slightly to reveal the Destructomatic headquarters where the werewolf engineer Malevolid is sitting once more. The phone rings on his desk and he p
icks it up.
Malevolid: This call is occluding me from missing the end of the universe as we know it, so I hope it's of utmost importance.
Santa Claus: Ho ho oh, it is. The end of which you speak can be stopped. If all is done properly, the damage can still be reversed. Listen closely... A young shapeshifter under your employ delivered an electromagnetic capacitor to an evil sasquatch scientist this afternoon. See that she goes back and undoes the damage at once.
Santa Claus hangs up the telephone without waiting for a response from Malevolid. He turns to the window, looking out at the heavily falling snow covering the increasingly dark landscape.
Santa Claus: I just hope she's not too late...
The lights fade completely on the North Pole set.
Malevolid: Loretta! Loretta! I bid you to appear at once!
A swarm of black snakes ripple across the floor of Malevolid's office. They congregate and slowly materialize into the human version of Loretta. She looks on at Malevolid with her black hole eyes.
Malevolid: I need you to return to Obsequiam's laboratory and reverse the processes begun by the Destructomatic 3400.
Loretta looks away from Malevolid. At first her expression is neutral and unreadable, but then it erupts into unfathomable sadness.
Loretta: I can't.
Malevolid: What do you mean by this? The fate of the entire universe depends on you going to that sasquatch's laboratory and flipping some switches and turning some knobs.
Loretta: You don't understand... If I return, I will fall in love...
Malevolid rises from his desk at once, his hardhat toppling from his wolf-like head.