The fruit tasted like salt in my mouth. Then tell me I blinked back tears. What am I supposed to do, Tvril? You say Im letting them win, but what else can I do?
Tvril set down the dish and took my hands, leaning forward. I realized suddenly that his eyes were green, though a deeper shade than my own. I had never before considered the fact that we were relatives. So few of the Arameri felt human to me, much less like family.
You fight, he said, his voice low and intent. His hands gripped my own fiercely enough to hurt. You fight in whatever way you can.
It might have been the strength of his grip, or the urgency of his voice, but abruptly I realized something. You want to be heir yourself, dont you?
He blinked in surprise, and then a rueful smile crossed his face. No, he said. Not really. No one would want to be heir under these conditions; I dont envy you that. But He looked away, toward the windows, and I saw it in his eyes: a terrible frustration that must have been burning in him all his life. The unspoken knowledge that he was just as smart as Relad or Scimina, just as strong, just as deserving of power, just as capable of leadership.
And if the chance were ever given to him, he would fight to keep it. To use it. He would fight even if he had no hope of victory, because to do otherwise was to concede that the stupid, arbitrary assignment of fullblood status had anything to do with logic; that the Amn truly were superior to all other races; that he deserved to be nothing more than a servant.
As I deserved to be nothing more than a pawn. I frowned.
Tvril noticed. Thats better. He put the dish of fruit in my hands and stood up. Finish eating and get dressed. I want to show you something.
* * *
I had not realized that it was a holiday. Fire Day; some Amn celebration Id heard of, but never paid much attention to. When Tvril brought me out of my room, I heard the sounds of laughter and Senmite music drifting through the corridors. I had never liked the music of this continent; it was strange and arrhythmic, full of eerie minors, the sort of thing only people with refined tastes were supposed to be able to comprehend or enjoy.
I sighed, thinking we were headed in that direction. But Tvril cast a grim look that way and shook his head. No. You dont want to attend that celebration, Cousin.
Why not?
That party is for highbloods. Youd certainly be welcome, and as a halfblood I could go, too, but I would suggest that you avoid social events with our fullblooded relatives if you actually want to enjoy yourself. They have odd notions of what constitutes fun. His grim look warned me off further questioning. This way.
He led me in the complete opposite direction, down several levels and angling toward the palaces heart. The corridors were bustling with activity, though I saw only servants as we walked, all of them moving so hurriedly that they barely had time to bob a greeting at Tvril. I doubt they even noticed me.
Where are they all going? I asked.
Tvril looked amused. To work. Ive scheduled everyone on rotating short shifts, so theyve probably waited until the last minute to leave. Didnt want to miss any of the fun.
Fun?
Mmm-hmm. We rounded a curve and I saw a wide set of translucent doors before us. Here we are; the centeryard. Now, youre friendly with Sieh so I imagine the magic will work for you, but if it doesntif I disappearjust return to the hall and wait, and Ill come back out to get you.
What? I was growing used to feeling stupid.
Youll see. He pushed the doors open.
The scene beyond was almost pastoralwould have been if I hadnt known I was in the middle of a palace hovering a half mile above the earth. We looked into some sort of vast atrium at the center of the palace, in which rows of tiny cottages bordered a cobblestone path. It surprised me to realize that the cottages were made, not of the pearly material that comprised the rest of the palace, but of ordinary stone and wood and brick. The style of the cottages varied wildly from that of the palace, toothe first sharp angles and straight lines Id seenand from cottage to cottage. Many of the designs were foreign to my eye, Tokken and Mekatish and others, including one with a striking bright-gold rooftop that might have been Irtin. I glanced up, realizing that the centeryard sat within a vast cylinder in the body of the palace; directly above was a circle of perfectly clear blue sky.
But the whole place was silent and still. I saw no one in or around the cottages; not even wind stirred.
Tvril took my hand and pulled me over the thresholdand I gasped as the stillness broke. In a moments flicker there were suddenly many people about, all around us, laughing and milling and exclaiming in a cacophony of joy that would not have startled me so much if it hadnt come out of nowhere. There was music, too, more pleasant than the Senmite but still nothing I was used to. It came from much closer, somewhere in the middle of the cottages. I made out a flute and a drum, and a babel of languagesthe only one I recognized was Kentibefore someone grabbed my arm and spun me around.
Shaz, you came! I thought The Amn man whod caught my hand started when he saw my face, then paled further. Oh, demons.
Its all right, I said quickly. An honest mistake. From behind I could pass for Tema, Narshes, or half the other northern racesand it had not escaped me that hed called me by a boys name. That was clearly not the source of his horror. His eyes had locked on my forehead and the fullblood circle there.
Its all right, Ter. Tvril came up beside me and put a hand on my shoulder. This is the new one.
Relief restored color to the mans face. Sorry, miss, he said, bobbing a greeting to me. I just well. He smiled sheepishly. You understand.
I reassured him again, though I was not entirely sure that I did understand. The man wandered off after that, leaving Tvril and I to ourselvesinasmuch as we could be alone amid such a horde. I could see now that everyone present wore lowblood marks; they were all servants. There must have been nearly a thousand people in the centeryards sprawling space. Tvril was so good at keeping them unobtrusive that Id had no idea there were this many servants in Sky, though I suppose I should have guessed they would outnumber the highbloods.
Dont blame Ter, Tvril said. Todays one of the few days we can be free of rank considerations. He wasnt expecting to see that. He nodded toward my forehead.
What is this, Tvril? Where did these people?
A little favor from the Enefadeh. He gestured toward the entrance wed just walked through, and upward. There was a faint, glasslike sheen to the air all around the centeryard, which I had not noticed before. We stood within a huge, transparent bubble ofsomething. Magic, whatever it was.
No one with a mark higher than quarterblood sees anything, even if they pass through the barrier, Tvril said. An exception was made for me, and, as you saw, we can bring others through if we choose. This means we can celebrate without highbloods coming here to ogle our quaint common-folk customs like were animals in a zoo.
I understood at last, and smiled as I did. It was probably only one of many small rebellions that the lowblood servants quietly fomented against their higher-born relations. If I stayed in Sky longer I would probably see others
But, of course, I would not live long enough for that.
That thought sobered me at once, despite the music and gaiety around me. Tvril flashed me a grin and let go my hand. Well, youre here now. Enjoy yourself for a while, hmm? And almost at the moment he let me go, a woman grabbed him and pulled him into the mass of people. I saw a flash of his red hair among other heads, and then he was gone.
I stood where hed left me, feeling oddly bereft. The servants celebrated on around me, but I was not part of it. Nor could I relax amid so much noise and chaos, however joyous. None of these people were Darre. None of them were under threat of execution. None of them had gods souls stuffed into their bodies, tainting all that they thought and felt.
Yet Tvril had brought me here in an attempt to cheer me up, and it wouldve been churlish to leave right away. So I looked around for some quiet spot where I might sit out of the way. My eyes caught on a fam
iliar faceor at least, it seemed familiar at first. A young man watched me from the steps of one of the cottages, smiling as if he knew me, at least. He was a little older than me, pretty-faced and slender, Tema-looking but with completely un-Tema eyes of faded green
I caught my breath and went over to him. Sieh?
He grinned. Glad to see you out.
Youre I gaped a moment longer, then closed my mouth. I had known all along that Nahadoth was not the only one among the Enefadeh who could change his form. So this is your doing? I gestured at the barrier, which now I could see above us as well, like a dome.
He shrugged. Tvrils people do favors for us all year; its fitting we should pay them back. We slaves must stick together.
There was a bitterness in his tone that I had not heard before. It felt oddly comforting in comparison with my own mood, so I sat down on the steps beside him, near his legs. Together we watched the celebration in silence for a long while. After a time I felt his hand touch my hair, stroking it, and that comforted me further still. Whatever form he took, he was still the same Sieh.
They grow and change so fast, he said softly, his eyes on a group of dancers near the musicians. Sometimes I hate them for that.
I glanced up at him in surprise; this was a strange mood indeed for him. You gods are the ones who made us this way, arent you?
He glanced at me, and for a jarring, painful instant I saw confusion on his face. Enefa. He had spoken as if I was Enefa.
Then the confusion passed, and he shared with me a small, sad smile. Sorry, he said.
I could not feel bitter about it, given the sorrow in his face. I do seem to look like her.
Thats not it. He sighed. Its just that sometimeswell, it feels like she died only yesterday.
The Gods War had occurred over two thousand years before, by most scholars reckonings. I turned away from Sieh and sighed, too, at the width of the gulf between us.
Youre not like her, he said. Not really.
I didnt want to talk about Enefa, but I said nothing. I drew up my knees and rested my chin on them. Sieh resumed stroking my hair, petting me like a cat.
She was reserved like you, but thats the only similarity. She was cooler than you. Slower to angeralthough she had the same kind of temper as you, I think, magnificent when it finally blew. We tried hard not to anger her.
You sound like you were afraid of her.
Of course. How could we not be?
I frowned in confusion. She was your mother.
Sieh hesitated, and in it I heard an echo of my earlier thoughts about the gulf between us. Its difficult to explain.
I hated that gulf. I wanted to breach it, though I had no idea if it was even possible. So I said, Try.
His hand paused on my hair, and then he chuckled, his voice warm. Im glad youre not one of my worshippers. Youd drive me mad with your demands.
Would you even bother answering any prayers that I made? I could not help smiling at the idea.
Oh, of course. But I might sneak a salamander into your bed to get back at you.
I laughed, which surprised me. It was the first time all day that Id felt human. It didnt last long as laughs went, but when it passed, I felt better. On impulse, I shifted to lean against his legs, putting my head on his knee. His hand never left my hair.
I needed no mothers milk when I was born. Sieh spoke slowly, but I did not sense a lie this time. I think it was just difficult for him to find the right words. There was no need to protect me from danger or sing me lullabies. I could hear the songs between the stars, and I was more dangerous to the worlds I visited than they could ever be to me. And yet, compared to the Three, I was weak. Like them in many ways, but obviously inferior. Naha was the one who convinced her to let me live and see what I might become.
I frowned. She was going to kill you?
Yes. He chuckled at my shock. She killed things all the time, Yeine. She was death as well as life, the twilight along with the dawn. Everyone forgets that.
I turned to stare at him, which made him draw his hand back from my hair. There was something in that gesturesomething regretful and hesitant, not befitting a god at allthat suddenly angered me. It was there in his every word. However incomprehensible relationships between gods might be, he had been a child and Enefa his mother, and he had loved her with any childs abandon. Yet she had almost killed him, as a breeder culls a defective foal.
Or as a mother smothers a dangerous infant
No. That had been entirely different.
Im beginning to dislike this Enefa, I said.
Sieh started in surprise, stared at me for a long second, then burst out laughing. It was infectious, though nonsensical; humor born of pain. I smiled as well.
Thank you, Sieh said, still chuckling. I hate taking this form; it always makes me maudlin.
Be a child again. I liked him better that way.
Cant. He gestured toward the barrier. This takes too much of my strength.
Ah. I wondered suddenly which was the default state for him: the child? Or this world-weary adult who slipped out whenever he let his guard down? Or something else altogether? But that seemed too intimate and possibly painful a question to ask, so I did not. We fell silent awhile longer, watching the servants dance.
What will you do? Sieh asked.
I lay my head back on his knee and said nothing.
Sieh sighed. If I knew how to help you, I would. You know that, dont you?
The words warmed me more than Id expected. I smiled. Yes. I know, though I cant say I understand it. Im just a mortal like the rest of them, Sieh.
Not like the rest.
Yes. I looked at him. However different I might be I did not like saying it aloud. No one stood near enough to us to overhear, but it seemed foolish to take chances. You said it yourself. Even if I lived to be a hundred, my life would still be only an eyeblink of yours. I should be nothing to you, like these others. I nodded toward the throng.
He laughed softly; the bitterness had returned. Oh, Yeine. You really dont understand. If mortals were truly nothing to us, our lives would be so much easier. And so would yours.
I could say nothing to that. So I fell silent, and he did, too, and around us the servants celebrated on.
* * *
It was nearly midnight by the time I finally left the centeryard. The party was still in full swing, but Tvril left with me and walked me to my quarters. Hed been drinking, though not nearly as much as some Id seen. Unlike them, I have to be clearheaded in the morning, he said, when I pointed this out.
At the door of my apartment we stopped. Thank you, I said, meaning it.
You didnt enjoy yourself, he said. I saw: you didnt dance all evening. Did you even have a glass of wine?
No. But it did help. I groped for the right words. I wont deny a part of me spent the whole time thinking, Im wasting one-sixth of my remaining life. I smiled; Tvril grimaced. But to spend that time surrounded by so much joy it did make me feel better.
There was such compassion in his eyes. I found myself wondering, again, why he helped me. I supposed it made a difference that he had some fellow feeling for me, perhaps even liked me. It was touching to think so, and perhaps that was why I reached up to cup his cheek. He blinked in surprise, but he did not draw back. That pleased me, too, and so I yielded to impulse.
Im probably not pretty by your standards, I ventured. His cheek felt slightly scratchy under my fingers, and I remembered that men of the island peoples tended to grow beards. I found the idea exotic and intriguing.
A half-dozen thoughts flickered across Tvrils face in the span of a breath, then settled with his slow smile. Well, Im not by yours, either, he said. Ive seen those showhorses you Darre call men.
I chuckled, abruptly nervous. And we are, of course, relatives
This is Sky, Cousin. Amazing how that explained everything.
I opened the door to my apartment, then took his hand and pulled him inside.
He was strangely gentleor p
erhaps it only seemed strange to me because I had little experience to compare him against. I was surprised to find that he was even paler beneath his clothing, and his shoulders were covered in faint spots, like those of a leopard but smaller and random. He felt normal enough against me, lean and strong, and I liked the sounds that he made. He did try to give me pleasure, but I was too tense, too aware of my own loneliness and fear, so there were no stormwinds for me. I did not mind so much.
I was unused to having someone in my bed, so afterward I slept restlessly. Finally in the small hours of the morning I got up and went into the bathroom, hoping that a bath would settle me to sleep. While water filled the tub, I ran more in the sink and splashed my face, then stared at myself in the mirror. There were new lines of strain around my eyes, making me look older. I touched my mouth, suddenly melancholy for the girl I had been just a few months before. She had not been innocentno leader of any people can afford thatbut she had been happy, more or less. When was the last time Id felt happiness? I could not recall.
Suddenly I was annoyed with Tvril. At least pleasure would have relaxed me and perhaps pulled my mood out of its grim track. At the same time it bothered me to feel such disappointment because I liked Tvril, and the fault was as much mine as his.
But on the heels of this, unbidden, came an even more disturbing thoughtone that I fought for long seconds, caught between morbid, forbidden-thrill fascination and superstitious fear.
I knew why I had found no satisfaction with Tvril.
Never whisper his name in the dark
No. This was stupidity. No, no, no.
unless you want him to answer.
There was a terrible, mad recklessness inside me. It whirled and crashed in my head, a cacophony of not-quite-thought. I could actually see it manifest as I stared into the mirror; my own eyes stared back at me, too wide, the pupils too large. I licked my lips, and for a moment they were not mine. They belonged to some other woman, much braver and stupider than me.
The bathroom was not dark because of the glowing walls, but darkness took many forms. I closed my eyes and spoke to the blackness beneath my lids.