V
"Hullo!" said the Idiot, as he began his breakfast. "This isn't Fridaymorning, is it? I thought it was Tuesday."
"So it is Tuesday," put in the School-Master.
"Then this fish is a little extra treat, is it?" observed the Idiot,turning with a smile to the landlady.
"Fish? That isn't fish, sir," returned the good lady. "That is liver."
"Oh, is it?" said the Idiot, apologetically. "Excuse me, my dear Mrs.Pedagog. I thought from its resistance that it was fried sole. Have youa hatchet handy?" he added, turning to the maid.
"My piece is tender enough. I can't see what you want," said theSchool-Master, coldly.
"I'd like your piece," replied the Idiot, suavely. "That is, if it reallyis tender enough."
"Don't pay any attention to him, my dear," said the School-Master to thelandlady, whose ire was so very much aroused that she was about to makeknown her sentiments on certain subjects.
"No, Mrs. Pedagog," said the Idiot, "don't pay any attention to me, Ibeg of you. Anything that could add to the jealousy of Mr. Pedagog wouldredound to the discomfort of all of us. Besides, I really do not objectto the liver. I need not eat it. And as for staying my appetite, I alwaysstop on my way down-town after breakfast for a bite or two anyhow."
There was silence for a moment.
"I wonder why it is," began the Idiot, after tasting his coffee--"Iwonder why it is Friday is fish-day all over the world, anyhow? Do youhappen to be learned enough in piscatorial science to enlighten me onthat point, Doctor?"
"No," returned the physician, gruffly. "I've never looked into thematter."
"I guess it's because Friday is an unlucky day," said the Idiot. "Justthink of all the unlucky things that may happen before and after eatingfish, as well as during the process. In the first place, before eating,you go off and fish all day, and have no luck--don't catch a thing. Youfall in the water perhaps, and lose your watch, or your fish-hookcatches in your coat-tails, with the result that you come near castingyourself instead of the fly into the brook or the pond, as the case maybe. Perhaps the hook doesn't stop with the coat-tails, but goes on in,and catches you. That's awfully unlucky, especially when the hook is madeof unusually barby barbed wire.
"YOU FISH ALL DAY, AND HAVE NO LUCK"]
"Then, again, you may go fishing on somebody else's preserves, and getarrested, and sent to jail overnight, and hauled up the next morning, andhave to pay ten dollars fine for poaching. Think of Mr. Pedagog beingfined ten dollars for poaching! Awfully unfortunate!"
"Kindly leave me out of your calculations," returned Mr. Pedagog, with aflush of indignation.
"Certainly, if you wish it," said the Idiot. "We'll hand Mr. Brief overto the police, and let _him_ be fined for poaching on somebody else'spreserves--although that's sort of impossible, too, because Mrs. Pedagognever lets us see preserves of any kind."
"We had brandied peaches last Sunday night," said the landlady,indignantly.
"Oh yes, so we did," returned the Idiot. "That must have been what theBibliomaniac had taken," he added, turning to the genial gentleman whooccasionally imbibed. "You know, we thought he'd been--ah--he'd beenabsorbing."
"To what do you refer?" asked the Bibliomaniac, curtly.
"To the brandied peaches," returned the Idiot. "Do not press me further,please, because we like you, old fellow, and I don't believe anybodynoticed it but ourselves."
"Noticed what? I want to know what you noticed and when you noticed it,"said the Bibliomaniac, savagely. "I don't want any nonsense, either. Ijust want a plain statement of facts. What did you notice?"
"Well, if you must have it," said the Idiot, slowly, "my friend whoimbibes and I were rather pained on Sunday night to observe thatyou--that you had evidently taken something rather stronger than coldwater, tea, or Mr. Pedagog's opinions."
"It's a libel, sir!--a gross libel!" retorted the Bibliomaniac. "How didI show it? That's what I want to know. How--did--I--show--it? Speak upquick, and loud too. How did I show it?"
"Well, you went up-stairs after tea."
"Yes, sir, I did."
"And my friend who imbibes and I were left down in the front hall, andwhile we were talking there you put your head over the banisters andasked, 'Who's that down there?' Remember that?"
"Yes, sir, I do. And you replied, 'Mr. Auburnose and myself.'"
"Yes. And then you asked, 'Who are the other two?'"
"Well, I did. What of it?"
"Mr. Auburnose and I were there alone. That's what of it. Now I put acharitable construction on the matter and say it was the peaches, whenyou fly off the handle like one of Mrs. Pedagog's coffee-cups."
"Sir!" roared the Bibliomaniac, jumping from his chair. "You are thegreatest idiot I know."
"Sir!" returned the Idiot, "you flatter me."
But the Bibliomaniac was not there to hear. He had rushed from the room,and during the deep silence that ensued he could be heard throwing thingsabout in the chamber overhead, and in a very few moments the banging ofthe front door and scurrying down the brown-stone steps showed that hehad gone out of doors to cool off.
HE COULD BE HEARD THROWING THINGS ABOUT]
"It is too bad," said the Idiot, after a while, "that he has such aquick temper. It doesn't do a bit of good to get mad that way. He'll beuncomfortable all day long, and over what? Just because I attempted tosay a good word for him, and announce the restoration of my confidence inhis temperance qualities, he cuts up a high-jinks that makes everybodyuncomfortable.
"But to resume about this fish business," continued the Idiot. "Fish--"
"Oh, fish be hanged!" said the Doctor, impatiently. "We've had enough offish."
"Very well," returned the idiot; "as you wish. Hanging isn't the besttreatment for fish, but we'll let that go. I never cared for the finnytribe myself, and if Mrs. Pedagog can be induced to do it, I for one amin favor of keeping shad, shark, and shrimps out of the housealtogether."