I cast a glance over my shoulder. “That’s not true. I haven’t seen you do anything embarrassing yet.”
“Oh, give it time. Trust me, embarrassing myself is one of my many talents.” He stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “So, what do you say? Will you show me around town? Be my awesome tour guide?”
“How do you know I’ll be awesome,” I say. “Maybe I’m super annoying and give lame and super annoying tours.”
“Yeah, I have a hunch that’s not true. Just like I have a hunch that we are going to end up in the super-close-friends phase. And I’m never wrong when it comes to my hunches.” He sounds so much like the old me, all hopeful—delusional.
I picture myself showing him around town, waving my arms around as I show him all the cool hangouts and the very uncool hangouts as well. We’d make jokes about the frumpy statue in the park while eating slushies. I’d wear one of my dresses just like I used to, and maybe we’d even hold hands. It’d be a perfect first date that would end with an amazing kiss. I can see it so vividly it’s terrifying, and the idea of acting on it is so heavy and unbearable, I feel like I’m suffocating.
I start to tell him no, crush his hope, but after what he did for me tonight, I can’t bring myself to do it. “So you’re a Ridiculousness fan, huh?” I avoid answering him.
“I guess you could say I have a weird sense of humor,” he says, sounding nervous for my answer. When I don’t reply right away, he adds, “If you want, I’ll get down on my knees and beg you to show me around. In fact, it could count as my embarrassing moment.”
I pretend to be repulsed by his offer, when secretly I think I might like it. “Please don’t do that. And besides, that’s not as embarrassing as puking on the side of the road.” My phone rings in my pocket and I sigh. “Look, I’ll show you around if Loki will let me out of the house. But don’t get too excited. He’s pretty pissed off at me right now.”
“I have a feeling he’s going to make an exception for me,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
“I doubt that, but I’ll ask.” I drag my foot with me as I hobble toward my back door.
“See you tomorrow, tour guide girl!” Luca hollers. “And don’t pretend like you’re not looking forward to spending more time with me. I can see you smiling all the way from over here.”
I bite down on my tongue to keep from doing exactly what he just accused me of. For the first time since the accident, I think I might actually be looking forward to getting grounded. The last thing I need is to be hanging around with Luca and his joking, flirty, contagious smiling, rescuing me from the side of the road, and holding my hair back while I puke myself. He’s way too nice and way too much of what the old me would want. If I let him in, then what? I’m just supposed to be that person again? Only I won’t be able to dance—be able to do anything that I used to love. Could I be okay with being that person?
I blink my burry eyes as I stumble into the kitchen. My phone hums for the umpteenth time as I turn on the lights. Deciding it’s time to face the music, I open my texts.
Miller: Hey, where r u? The cabin is getting raided and I can’t find my truck keys.
I reread the message at least ten more times and then check the time stamp. The text was sent pretty close to when Luca picked me up.
A crushing weight settles on my chest as I listen to my voicemail. Five messages from Loki, all of him yelling at me for leaving with Miller. Not wanting to hear him yell at me, I text him that I’m home, then shut off my phone, go upstairs to my room, and flop down on my bed.
I don’t want to admit it, but just like the time when Miller first pulled up to rob that house, I can’t deny the truth that’s right in front of me—that part of me really doesn’t want to get into trouble. I’ve spent the last six months pretending I’m some sort of rebel who doesn’t give a shit about anything, but when it all comes down to it, I still care more than I want to. This rebellious thing I’m trying to pull off is as unfitting as me trying to dance with my useless leg.
Where does that leave me? Back to square one with no clue as to what to do in this world anymore?
The only real thing I’m sure of is that if Luca hadn’t rescued me from the side of the road, I would’ve been wandering around the area when the arrests were made. I could’ve gotten picked up, maybe even for breaking the window. And only days after getting arrested.
Yep, the stupid ink saved my ass tonight.
I was saved from a lot tonight, though. So much that it’s overwhelming.
I look at my reflection in the mirror. Big eyes traced with so much eyeliner, I can hardly recognize myself anymore. But they’re still the same eyes I had before the accident—I’m still me underneath the heavy makeup and hair dye.
My body shakes as the night crashes over me and yanks me down.
No, I’m not Anna.
I’m Annabella.
I’m mysterious.
I’m rebellious.
I don’t care about anything.
Don’t want to care.
I’m so lost.
I miss my dad and my mom.
I curl up in a ball and hold my breath until I feel like my lungs are going to explode. Then I roll over, bury my face into the pillow, and scream until I have nothing left inside me.
Chapter Eleven
Run all You Want, but the Past Will Always Catch Up to You
The next morning I have one of those moments where I wake up and can’t remember a damn thing about the night before. This is a growing custom in my life, and I know in a minute or two, I’ll remember some tidbits.
As I’m getting out of bed, memories of Miller hurting me, drinking too much, and Luca saving my ass, rush back to me.
“Oh, my God, I puked in front of him.” I don’t know why, but I feel really mortified.
Embarrassed Anna? Guess I really am back to square one.
When I go down to get some breakfast, Loki informs me that I’m grounded over Christmas break for taking off from the store, which also means no visitors, including adorably nerdy neighbor guys. So, Luca was wrong, and I was right. I’m more sickly gratified by that fact than I should be.
Sunday morning, I pop a pill to numb the pain in my leg and in my soul. Without Miller around, I realize that in order to obtain the numbness, I’m more than likely going to have to take more pills.
As part of my ongoing punishment, I go to the store with Loki, which ends up being less intense than the first time, but that might be because I’m exhausted. When we come home that evening, I head straight up to my room to elevate my leg. I spend most of night watching television and skimming over Miller’s texts.
Miller: This is so screwed up. U should have warned me they were coming. Big Jay said he saw u sitting out in front of the cabin so I know u saw the cops before they got there.
Miller: Was it because of what happened in the bedroom?
Miller: I know u r mad, but I thought u wanted it til u flipped out. It’s not my fucking fault I didn’t know. U r so hard to read.
Miller: Seriously, u can text me back. I’m probably going to jail.
Miller: We’re over.
Miller: Come on. Answer a goddamn text. I need a favor.
And there it is, the reason why he’s so dead-set on getting ahold of me. Whatever the favor is, I’m betting it either has to do with money or he wants me to hide his drugs. If he knew the truth about that night, that I might have been the cause behind the police raid, he might be more pissed off than he already is.
Apparently, the cop that busted the party was initially headed out to another call but spotted a bunch of people hanging out at the cabin and made a pit stop there because the owner of the house was on probation for drugs. The officer investigated, and yeah, I knew what kind of drugs created the musty, dank, sweaty-body smell in the air because it was the same kind of drug Miller’s been smoking more frequently. My bet is the cop was originally headed to the antique shop to check out a call about a broken windo
w.
Over the next couple of days, I distract myself with school, the store, and trying to ignore Luca the best I can. He makes it difficult, though, and deep down, I know shutting him out is wrong. After what he did for me, he deserves better. But I’m not ready to give anyone better, including myself.
When I leave for school Monday morning, Luca just happens to be outside, though, eating his cereal and messing around with the garage door.
“Holy shit, you do still live here. I was beginning to worry you might have ran away just to avoid me,” he jokes lightheartedly, but there’s a nervous gleam in his eyes.
“Wow, you think pretty highly of yourself, if you think I’d move just because of you,” I retort, unable to stop the words coming out of my mouth.
“Yeah, you’re right. But you were hiding out because of me. Admit it.” He waggles his eyebrows at me then grins.
I shake my head. This is so getting out of control. “I wasn’t hiding from you. I’ve been grounded.
He shovels a spoonful of cereal into his mouth as the garage door lowers to the ground. “For how long?”
“Indefinitely.” I squirm in my own skin, hyperaware of the Baker clan eyeballing us from the truck.
“Did you ask Loki if you could at least spend a couple of hours showing your awesome new best friend around?” he asks, wiping a dribble of milk from his chin.
I snort back a laugh. “Awesome new best friend? Is that the title you’ve given yourself now?”
“What? It’s the perfect title. Just like yours.”
“Which is?”
“My awesome-friend-who-loves-trying-to-sleep-on-the-side-of-the-road. I have to say, I’ve never had one of those before.”
I don’t even know why I bothered asking. It only leads me into danger of laughing and smiling, and with my siblings right there watching me, it just doesn’t seem right. Not when none of them laugh anymore.
“Well, awesome new best friend,” I refrain an eye roll, “hate to break it to you, but I asked Loki and he said no exceptions, even for you.”
“You could tell him it’s for charity,” he suggests, balancing the bowl on top of the fence. “You could tell him it’s for the Luca is Super Lonely and Needs to Get out of His House and Away from His Crazy Mom Charity.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d buy that.”
He sighs dejectedly. “Fine, I guess I’ll just have to come up with something more clever.”
I shift my weight to my good leg. “You could always try stunning him with you candy mind-reading tricks.”
Picking up his bowl, he backs toward the front door. “That’s actually not a bad idea. I’m going to go practice.”
“I wasn’t being serious,” I shout after him, but he’s already jogging inside the house.
My creative mind conjures up all sorts of possibilities about what he’s rushing to do. Practicing telepathy? His Jedi-mind skills?
I smack my forehead with the heel of my hand. Seriously, Anna. Get a grip.
Shaking my head at my absurdity, I turn to get into the truck.
Loki watches me inquisitively as I scoot into the backseat.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask, combing my fingers through the snarled locks of my hair.
He trades a grin with Zhara then looks back at me. “No reason.”
“Would someone please tell me what’s going on?” I demand, tossing my bag onto the floor. They goofily smile at each other again and it floors me. “Seriously, guys, what’s going on?”
“They’re just acting like idiots because you were smiling like a dork while you were talking to that dorky neighbor guy,” Alexis sneers. “Jesus, I swear everyone’s losing their damn minds. I mean, who gets excited over a smile?”
“But she never smiles,” Zhara says, flinching when I scowl at her.
“I wasn’t smiling.” I touch my fingers to my lips. Was I? No. There’s no way. But the possibility that I could’ve been plagues me to the point that I feel sick to my stomach again, just like last night. How can I be happy when no one else is? “We weren’t even talking. Luca was just being weird and asking me all these questions, and I listened to be polite.”
“Polite’s more than we get,” Zhara points out, dusting a few crumbs off her pants.
I start to protest, but no noise comes out except a sputter. Agitated, I face the window and keep my lips sealed.
The next morning, I move as slow as humanly possible while getting ready for school to avoid running into Luca.
But Loki grows really impatient with me and honks the horn repeatedly.
I throw open my window. “I’ll be down in a minute!” I yell down at the truck, but tense when I see Luca bouncing a basketball around in his driveway, sweaty, wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. He’s not ripped or anything, but he’s definitely in shape, and I can’t help but gawk.
“Oh, Anna. Oh, Anna,” he singsongs as the ball swishes the through net, breaking me from my trance. “Let down your purple hair.”
I stab my teeth into my lip to avoid any and all potential smiles. “That was really lame.”
He shrugs as he bends over and scoops up the ball. “So what. It got you to almost smile.”
“No it didn’t.” But it almost did, and that scares the shit out of me. Happiness isn’t supposed to be what I’m feeling. Sad, sure. Guilty, yes. But all smiley and gooey inside, no.
With my pulse soaring, I slam the window shut.
I manage to make it into the house that evening without crossing paths with Luca. But later that next night, I hear muttering coming from the house. I toss and turn, then bury my head under my pillow, trying to ignore it. But eventually, my curiosity gets the best of me, and I climb out of bed, pad over to the window, and peer outside.
Darkness blankets the neighborhood except for a few lampposts and porch lights. Next door, a man is sitting on the steps with the phone pressed to his ear. His head’s bowed down, and the sound of his sobs cover up whatever he’s saying. I swallow hard as pity clogs my throat. Whatever’s going on is causing him a lot of pain, just like Loki, Zhara, Niki, and Alexis went through right after my parents died. I feel sorry for him. For all of them. I even kind of feel sorry for me.
No, I don’t deserve pity, even from myself.
Jerking the cord, I yank down the blinds, pop my headphones in and crank up the most earsplitting music I can find, then stretch my leg out onto a pillow. I have boxer shorts on so my scars are visible. I trace the rough edges of the uneven skin, remembering how smooth it used to be. Remembering what it felt like to circle my leg around, toes pointed as I lifted my weight. My body was stable and supported my graceful movements, let me dance to the rhythm, get lost in the music . . .
“I need a pill,” I mutter to myself, rolling out of bed.
Zhara, Loki, and Nikoli have gone out to see a movie, leaving Alexis and me with the house to ourselves. The place is quiet except for the neighbor talking on the phone again.
I wander downstairs to grab the prescription bottle from the cupboard, but when I walk into the kitchen, Alexis is there.
“Your roots are showing,” Alexis says with a fake smile.
“Your nose piercing looks infected.” I open the fridge, pretending I came down here for a snack.
“Yeah, it happens sometimes.” She collects a plate of pasta from the beeping microwave. “And just so you know, I saw Loki searching your room yesterday while you were in the shower.”
I pick up a bowl of what looks like mac and cheese. “Why?”
She shrugs indifferently as she gets a fork from the drawer. “I’m guessing it has something to do with the conversation he had with that nosy bitch Laretta about the signs someone’s on drugs.”
“Like Loki doesn’t already know the signs. He used to get high all the time during his senior year. Remember that time we caught him in the garage? He said it helped clear his head and figure out the meaning of life. Like that was a legit excuse.”
&n
bsp; She chokes on a laugh, spitting out pasta all over the countertop. “Oh, my god, I totally forgot about that.” She reaches for a paper towel to clean up the mess. “But I don’t think that’s the kind of drug he’s worried you’re doing and decided to take extreme precautions.” Her gaze travels to the cabinet above the sink.
Even though I’m desperate to look and see if the pills are still there, I calmly lift the plastic off the mac and cheese. “He can look all he wants, but he’s not going to find anything.”
“He knows Miller got busted for possession,” she says, balling up the paper towel and chucking it into the trash. “Just in case you don’t already know, he’s a total loser. You should really stop seeing him.”