The Initial Adventures of Bucket-Man and His Ostensible Enemies
by
Kyle Timmermeyer
--
Copyright Kyle Timmermeyer 2015
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Table of Contents:
Bucket-Man’s Origin Story
Bucket-Man vs. Ninja Janitor
Bucket-Man vs. Boring Man
Bucket-Man, Ninja Janitor, and Boring Man
Huh? Just 4 stories? What else is there? Find out by reading the full 19-story compilation:
The Adventures of Bucket-Man and His Ostensible Enemies
Bucket-Man’s Origin Story
(Sing it!)
Bucket-Man, Bucket-Man,
Does whatever a bucket can.
Is he intelligent?
If that could be said,
Would he wear a bucket upon his head?
Nowadays, everyone knows about the superhero “Bucket-Man.” But, does anyone really know how he came to be a hero? The origin story is ever-important, is it not?
Let’s take Spider-Man for example. Spidey was bitten by a radioactive spider, and thereby received spider-like powers. So maybe Bucket-Man was bitten by a radioactive bucket? That's a little hard to believe. Buckets don’t have teeth.
And Superman… Superman came from space, and so on this planet, affected by a different sun and different gravity, he exhibits strange powers. But Bucket-Man doesn’t really have any powers to speak of. That being said, Bucket-Man is a real weirdo, so maybe he really might have come from space.
I know there are other superheroes like Anpanman and Ultraman, but this author doesn't know the origin stories of Japanese superheroes very well, and therefore would have some trouble making a proper comparison. If that’s discrimination, you have my most sincere apology.
Well then, since we do know that Bucket-Man is a weirdo without any real powers, it’s likely the case that one day, in the city of Dullsville, a strange guy punched two eye-holes in a bucket and put the thing on his head like a helmet, saying, “I ammm Bucket-Mannn!!!”
At that time, it probably occurred to him that his voice was muffled, and so he once again took the bucket and punched another hole for his mouth. Replacing the bucket on his head, he once again shouted, “I am the Bucket-Man!”
If that’s not the most interesting origin story you’ve ever heard, then I’m sorry. It does get more exciting once Bucket-Man has his first encounter with Ninja Janitor, that dark-hearted cleaning person trained in ninjutsu. I’m sure you’ve heard the story, but there’s always something new to be gleaned in the retelling of a classic tale, don’t you think?
Bucket-Man vs. Ninja Janitor
Once there was a janitor, obsessed with cleaning, working at an international school. Because of his diligence, he was very good at his job, but he was also teased often by the students. He didn’t have much common sense, so he believed them when one kid said, “In the locked janitor’s closet there lie two instruments of power… the Broom of Doom and the Dustpan of Despair.”
“…but even if you have the key to the closet, it’s too dangerous to touch them,” another kid said.
“…unless you have ninja skills!” a third kid said, stifling his giggles.
And so the janitor trained himself (very badly) in what he thought might be ninjutsu. When his confidence was high, he took “the Broom of Doom” and “the Dustpan of Despair,” and used them to bully the small children who had bullied him.
Over and over he said, “I’ll sweep you all away!”
But ruling the school (when the teachers were focused on other things) was not enough for the Ninja Janitor. He coveted more power. And so when he heard the children talking about Bucket-Man, the hero with a bucket helmet, Ninja Janitor wanted the bucket for himself.
(Though Bucket-Man has no real power, Ninja Janitor reasoned the bucket must be special and powerful. Otherwise, why would Bucket-Man wear the thing?)
Ninja Janitor decided to send an e-mail full of lies to Bucket-Man, promising him a powerful, magical plunger if Bucket-Man came to meet Ninja Janitor.
Bucket-Man, who was also lacking in common sense (much like Ninja Janitor himself), agreed to meet the costumed custodian. When our hero arrived at the school, though, the sight of the black-clothed, broom-wielding madman frightened Bucket-Man so much that he became sick, and vomited all over the floor.
Ninja Janitor, disturbed by the huge mess at the school—his favorite, clean place—immediately began cleaning up the puke, giving it all his focus. This gave Bucket-Man time to run away and alert the principal of the school.
The principal soon after fired Ninja Janitor, and gave Bucket-Man a plunger as an “apology present”—or out-of-court settlement. (The principal was ever so slightly afraid that Bucket-Man might sue.)
To commemorate the exciting event, Bucket-Man made the plunger his sidekick and named her Sally. Although endowed with special meaning and emotional resonance, Sally Plunger, like Bucket-Man’s bucket helmet, was decidedly non-magical.
Unfortunately, Ninja Janitor had no interest in hearing that he had been foiled by someone who lacked magical powers. This made Ninja Janitor all the more determined to defeat Bucket-Man, to prove that his own imagined magical cleaning powers were superior.
“I will have my revenge, Bucket-Man! Your bucket AND plunger will be mine!”
Bucket-Man vs. Boring Man
One day, Bucket-Man was walking down the street when someone tapped his shoulder. Turning around, he winced: the person behind him was wearing such a boring suit that it hurt Bucket-Man’s eyes.
“Hello, I’m Boring Man! I’m a super boring office worker, tired of people not listening to me! They just want to have fun! It’s very discomforting. And your bucket-themed antics are pure insanity, entirely too exciting for this fine city of Dullsville. So if you don’t calm down, I’ll continue to bore you by speaking, and say random facts that will numb your mind until…”
But Bucket-Man was gone. Boring Man was so boring that Bucket-Man had lost interest and kept walking.
Boring Man dashed after Bucket-Man.
“Now, I’m mad!” Boring Man said. “Have you memorized all the names in the phone book? Aaron Aaronsen, Abram Abraham, Abram Abron…”
“Augh! So boring! Don’t care!” narrated Bucket-Man.
He was so bored that he ran home to hide in his bed and do nothing interesting. He had been bored, devastatingly bored!
Boring Man gave an evil, monotone chuckle—a single “ha”—and returned to his boring apartment. Confident that he would not be bothered by any crazy distractions from Bucket-Man or those like him, Boring Man finished his work on a Boring Broadcaster, a machine designed to play nothing but random, uninteresting facts, to ensure boredom forever!
Activating the Boring Broadcaster, Boring Man broadcast innumerable boring facts, the essence of boredom, across the city.
“Cats like to eat fish, including salmon, carp…”
“In 1874, a man named Neville Farken once spent 18 consecutive minutes eating a small plate of spaghetti…”
“The most recent meeting of the Lawntree Circle Division of Dullsville Neighborhood Watch featured exactly 17 items on the agenda...”
“Screws come in various sizes, for Phillips-head and flat-head screwdrivers alike....”
“You can
tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish. This is because ‘tuna fish’ is a noun, not a verb.”
Bucket-Man heard the boring facts from where he cowered in his bed. Bored beyond belief, he stuffed two blankets into his bucket helmet until he was unable to hear anything, including the loud, boring facts. Success!
As having two blankets crammed into his small bucket helmet was uncomfortable, Bucket-Man decided to confront Boring Man, to stop the Boring Broadcaster so he could then remove the blankets… and breathe properly inside his bucket helmet. Yes, it’s good to have goals in life.
As Bucket-Man walked across the city, he saw dozens of people sprawled on the streets, fingers in their ears, trying not to hear the boring facts.
They were crawling away from a boring-looking building. Bucket-Man, though, his breath labored—inhibited by blankets all up in his face—desperately burst inside the boring apartment building. And there he found Boring Man, standing beside a big, boring-looking machine. It had to be the Boring Broadcaster!
Boring Man tried to stop Bucket-Man by saying the most boring fact ever, but with the bucket helmet hiding the blankets, Boring Man didn’t know that Bucket-Man was unable to listen. Boring Man had overestimated Bucket-Man’s lack of common sense, and the strength of the survival instinct triggered by extreme boredom.
Bucket-Man turned off the Boring Broadcaster with the flick of the large OFF switch.
“Darn it,” said Boring Man, his zen of boredom broken ever so slightly by disappointment (mostly