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I looked at her, puzzled. Strange that she’d bring that up now. “I guess so,” I said, shrugging. “But only if you want to tell me. ”
“I do,” Kenzie said quickly and looked away. “Well, not really, but. . . um. . . it’s. . . it’s something you should know, I think. I mean. . . ” She winced. “Crap. ”
Normally, I would’ve found the idea of Mackenzie stuttering cute, as infrequent as it was, and would’ve called her on it. But right now, the last thing I wanted to do was tease and lose whatever was happening between us, whatever this was. I brushed my thumb across her cheek, making her close her eyes, and murmured, “You can tell me. ”
“It was that, well. . . I just. . . ” She sighed and continued in a whisper, “I’ve never. . . been with anyone before. You know, really been with anyone. And I was afraid I would die before I ever found someone to. . . you know. ” She bit her lip again, brow furrowing. “That’s the secret I traded away. The secret the bird faery knows about me. ”
She colored fiercely and averted her gaze. I was having trouble breathing. “I don’t know why I wanted to tell you now,” she went on softly, still not looking at me. “I certainly don’t expect to rectify that here, but. . . I guess I wanted you to know. In case. . . ” She trailed off again, but I knew what she meant. Everything was borrowed time with Kenzie. Being afraid she would never get the chance to do everything she wanted.
Very gently, I kissed her, just the slightest touch of her lips to mine. “I’ll wait,” I told her softly. “You don’t have to worry about that. Not with me. ” A tear slipped from the corner of her eye, and I caught it before it hit the sand. “Whenever you’re ready, just let me know. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. ”
* * *
When Keirran returned, Kenzie was nearly asleep, drifting off against my chest. She woke up long enough to eat a couple wild pears Keirran had found—after he swore to me about a dozen times they were safe—before curling into me again. I held her quietly, watching as Keirran started a fire, piling wood into a sandy pit before holding his palm over the kindling. Glamour shimmered, and a small flame sprang up to consume the wood, throwing back the shadows. The Iron Prince sat down in front of the fire, drawing a knee to his chest, and brooded into the flames.
Kenzie shifted in my arms, murmuring something about “Alex” in her sleep. I wondered what her family was doing now, what my family was doing now.
By the fire, Keirran’s gaze was dark. Was he thinking of Meghan or Ash? Did he miss his family, or were all his thoughts on Annwyl and the thing connecting them both? The amulet that was slowly killing him.
“You can go to sleep if you want,” he announced without looking up. “I’ll take first watch. ”
I smirked and shook my head, speaking quietly so as not to wake Kenzie. “I couldn’t if I wanted to. My irrational paranoia of goblins eating my face while I sleep sort of makes that impossible. ”
“That’s probably wise. ” Keirran rested his chin on his knee. Razor hopped off his shoulder to poke a twig at the fire. “I didn’t realize Kenzie was so ill,” Keirran said after a moment. “She mentioned being sick, but I just didn’t put it together. I swear, Ethan, I wouldn’t have asked her to come if I knew. ”
I snorted. “You wouldn’t have been able to stop her. Trust me, I made that mistake once. It doesn’t work. ” I looked down at the sleeping girl in my arms, holding her tighter. “She made her choice,” I said softly. “All I can do now is protect her. ”
“Do you ever. . . ?” Keirran paused as if worried he might offend me, then continued. “Do you ever think that there’s something you can do, a deal or bargain you can make, to help her get better? I mean, magic exists everywhere in the Nevernever. If you just accepted the cost—”
“No. ” My voice came out slightly choked. “No faery magic, no bargains, no deals. I refuse to gamble for Kenzie’s health. Some prices are too high. ”
“Even if it meant saving her life?” Keirran glanced at me, the flames casting weird, flickering shadows over his hunched form.
“Leave it alone, Keirran. ”
“I don’t like it, either, but. . . aren’t some prices worth paying for the one you love?”
“I said leave it alone,” I snapped, and Kenzie stirred against me. Wincing, I adjusted my arms around her and buried my face in her hair. I wish I could, I thought, closing my eyes. I wish there was some way, some bargain or deal or contract, to make you well again, but I know the rules. Nothing is free. Magic and power always come with a price. And maybe that’s selfish and paranoid, but I’m not willing to pay that price, or have you pay that price. Not yet. Not when there’s still a chance you could be okay without it.
Keirran fell silent, and when I looked up again, he had gone back to staring into the fire. Razor was curled up in the sand by the pit, buzzing and twitching in his dreams.
“I envy you sometimes, you know,” Keirran said quietly after a moment. He glanced my way, a faint, bitter smile crossing his face. “Sometimes I wonder what it’s like, being completely human. Not having to deal with the courts and the crazy politics that come with them. Not having to give up the one you love because the ancient law says you can’t be together. ” He hunched forward again, staring into the flames. “I know I can’t have her,” he said, his face pinched and tight. “I know when she goes back to Arcadia, we’ll be forced apart. Even if I’m willing to face exile, I can’t do that to her. ” He blew out a breath, raking both hands through his silver hair. “I just. . . I wish there was something, some way to get around this stupid law. My parents did it. Dad went all the way to the End of the World to be with Mom. He even woke up an ancient queen in the process, but they still found a way. ”
“So, Ash did wake up the Lady, just like the Thin Man said. ”
“Yes,” Keirran sighed, hanging his head. “At least, that’s what she told me. She had been sleeping for centuries, forgotten by everyone in Faery and the mortal world. And then, one day, there was a change in the air. Something broke through her slumber, a glamour so powerful it woke her up and brought her back from the edge of oblivion. When she finally grew strong enough to emerge from the darkness, Faery as she knew it had changed, and there were many others like her, confused and forgotten. But they were no longer content to sit back and wait for the Fade to take them—they wanted to live. So, she gathered like-minded Forgotten to her side, and eventually they made their way to the mortal world. The ironic part is, she wouldn’t have awoken if my father hadn’t gone on that quest to be with Mom. So you see,” he finished, tossing a stick into the fire, “it’s sort of our fault the Forgotten are here. ”
“That might be true,” I said as Kenzie mumbled and shifted against me, making it hard to concentrate. “But that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for them, Keirran. It doesn’t mean you have to help them find a way to live. ”
“Doesn’t it?” Keirran looked at me, blue eyes gleaming. “If not me, then who? The other courts won’t help. . . . They’ll want the Forgotten destroyed. My parents are responsible for bringing their queen into the world again. And. . . and it’s because of me that they’ve turned to Mr. Dust for the glamour to exist. Because I told the Lady to find another way. ” He sighed, resting his chin on his knees. “I’ve made a huge mess of everything, Ethan,” he murmured, narrowing his eyes. “I have to find a way to fix it, but Annwyl comes first. Once she’s safe, I’ll talk to my parents and the other courts about the Forgotten, and we’ll try to find a solution together. But not before I make sure that Annwyl goes home. ”
He winced, clenching his fists as his brightness flicked and dimmed a little, before returning to normal. Alarm coursed through me. “It’s the amulet, isn’t it? Does it hurt?”
“I knew what I was agreeing to,” Keirran murmured. “I’ll gladly pay the price, if it means she will live. ”
His words stung, even though they weren’t directed at me. I glanced down at
Kenzie, sleeping peacefully in my arms, and wondered if there wasn’t something I could do. Some contract or deal that would make her well. But it was so risky, taking that chance, making a bargain with the fey. Annwyl’s own words came back to me: The price would be so high. Cheating death, even if it’s not your own. . . Even our kind avoids making that type of bargain at all costs.
And though I didn’t want to remember, Guro’s words slipped into my head, haunting me, the memory of his grim, final warning.
You can’t save everyone. Sometimes, you have to make that decision to let them go.
It was those words, more than the fear of goblins chewing on my extremities, that kept me awake the rest of the night.
* * *
I didn’t exactly sleep, but sometime near dawn I must’ve dozed, because when I opened my eyes, Kenzie was peering down at me. The sight of her lovely face, filling my vision first thing in the morning, coaxed a tiny smile from me. “Hey,” I murmured, reaching up to smooth her hair back. “Did you sleep all right?”
She nodded. “You?”
“Not a chance. ” I wrapped my arms around her waist, drawing her closer. “But I could definitely get used to waking up like this. ”
She actually blushed. I glanced past her at the empty cave with the smoldering fire pit, and frowned. “Where’s Keirran?”
“Hunting, I think. He took Razor and left a few minutes ago, but he said that he would be back soon. I didn’t want to wake you, so I didn’t say anything. ”
“So, it’s just us again, huh?” Gazing into her eyes, I found myself unable to look away. Here we were in the Nevernever again, about to pay a visit to the very dangerous Queen of the Seelie Court. A queen who had the power to turn us both into tulips if she thought it would be amusing. Who hated Meghan’s family and anyone associated with them. I had a crapload of things I should be worried about—faeries, bargains, soul-sucking amulets—but when Kenzie was this close, everything around me sort of faded to insignificant white noise, and all I was aware of was her.