THE JAMAICAN NINJA BERT
How Do You Love When Holding On Means Losing Everything
A Romance Comedy
Richie Drenz
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Copyright 2014 Richie Drenz
Published by the Drenz Publishing Co. (Ja.)
www.richiedrenz.com
License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Amazon.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Illustration by Ricardo Ink
Editor, Roxanne Wright
First Drenz Publishing Printing October 2014
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
ISBN 978-976-95365-7-9
Interior design and typesetting by Richie Drenz
~
“For the greatest prison known to most men is what others think of them.”
-Dr. Robert Kemp
A BONUS FOR YOU FROM BERT
Join his website and hang out on his website www.richiedrenz.com/Bert and get a bonus chapter. “BERT GOES TO THE GYNAECOLOGIST” free, which will never be included in this book series only available on his website.
Also see videos of Bert as soon as they are uploaded to his site. Wouldn’t you love to see him in action though?
And do like his facebook page www.facebook.com/TheJamaicanNinja . Click the icons below.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Chapter 1 -- THERAPY
“Because you’re my office attendant not my wife.”
Chapter 2 -- GONE BUY TWO PATTY AND PROBLEM NOW
“A lie!! A when tax gone pon patty a the dead one twenty mi have enuh.”
Chapter 3 -- WHY BERT A SEARCH UP MARJ DRAWER?
“So what if the blouse couldn’t fit properly, Bert thought. No matter what he was going to force in that blouse because God said so.”
Chapter 4 -- FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
“Bert why you getting so black? You ptomaine poison?”
Chapter 5 -- BERT IS A PSYCHOLOGIST TOO, SO WHAT IF HIM MAD?
“Mi can fry a egg wid mi yeye! Just look pon it like so,” He demonstrated
Chapter 6 -- CLIVEY NEED PILLS FOR SMALL CASE OF FLU
“You not dying Mr...”
“Yes. Mi a dead. Beg you a injection nuh please, Jesus loves you.”
Chapter 7 -- HOW BERT GET THICK OVERNIGHT?
“The secret ingredients you want know?”
“Yeah. Wha a the secret ingredients in deh?”
Chapter 8 -- BLACK SHREK & MS. HULK HOGAN
“Whatever. Hsst. A weh you coulda want go home go ketch your husband a do suh?”
Chapter 9 – YES GOOD QUESTION, CAN YOU PAY NOW?
“Two million, seven hundred thousand dollars”
Chapter 10 – MISSING TEETH
“Look yah Bert mi a bawl white. A you mek mi a bawl enuh.”
Chapter 11 – BERT BUN DOWN THE HOUSE?
“A woulda bun dung the whole a in yah then claim insurance.”
Chapter 12 – BERT PREPARED A BREAKFAST FOR HIS WIFE
“Mi seh if you have hook worm?”
Chapter 13 – BERT FINALLY READ MARJ’S MESSAGE AND UPSET
“Marj, how comes man a text you seh him want ...”
Chapter 14 – HOW CAN AN ALARM CLOCK WALK?
“Or mi can buy you one pet. One a dem pet crab deh or sup’n. Sup’n exciting. Sup’n weh can bite and crawb up people.”
Chapter 15 – BERT AND THE HOT CURLING IRON
“Marj , all great truth begin sounding ridiculous until you realize what you once believed at first was so ridiculous. Be curious not judgmental.”
Chapter 16 – YES EARLY MORNING MISSION NOW
“Mad weh?! You a follow people?” Bert asked, “Hsst. Open the door man before mi kick it off clean.”
Chapter 17 – ACKEE TREE & CUTLASS PASSA-PASSA
Everton searched the ground for some stone to bust Bert’s head
Chapter 18 – WHY WAS BERT CHOPPING SO HARD THOUGH?
“Eva, mi still hold on pon the cutlass enuh . . . so weh you a seh yah now?”
A BONUS TO YOU FROM BERT
REFLECTION
About the Author
My Other Books
~
All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure inventions of fiction.
Acknowledgements
Since yet and still, I still don’t have a son, I do have a Dad, Micol Campbell, with quite a humor. I think I took the funny genes from him. I remember in 1993 when I exploded his car and he made fun of the tyres. Everybody needs a Dad like that who no matter what, loves explosions.
As usual special thanks to my editor, Roxanne Wright and her superpowers. Thank you for understanding that this book is what inside of my head looks like. I thank you tremendously Roxie!
My Mom, Bevolyn Smith this one is for you too. Finally I wrote a book you can read. Yes Mom, it’s not only sex in my head. Love you endlessly. Omeil Hutchinson, Lisa-Kay Campbell, Tashari DaSilva, Esther Rowe, Meme Williams, Jason Williams and Patrick ‘Pajujah’ Anderson have all been my spine and support in major ways with this project. I know I annoy you guys too, so get ready for book three. I promise I will be no less annoying. Thank you so much.
Kerstie Carver & Jodian Drenz Goffe, you know without a doubt, you are two of my biggest fans; your tattoos of me says it all Big ups straight! I hope I will continue to inspire you in all that I do. Beverley ‘Kaye’ Cole, Bonne Vie, Keisha Banton, Sheree Warner, Karma Moonfire, Melissa Drenz Meliboo Williams, Melissa Teddybear Drenz Manning, Candy Mac, Tanya Seymour, Tania Baker, Chivelle Drenz Hines, Sasha Drenz, Shay Drenzii Diamond, Candice Banton, Samantha Bryant, Nicola Shorter, Alethia Gooden, Sash Drenz Dawkins, Sasha Morgan, Jai Drenz Keiko, Fonce Drenz, Shanice Steve, Ashoikie Saunders, Terry Jackson, Danique Brown, Stacyann Taylor, Carla McLaughlin, Mellie Drenz, Rosa Wood, Brigette Hudson, Alisa ‘Prim’ Sato, Bri-Bri- Anderson, Jacqueline Jackson, Truestar Barriffe, Kaymoy Drenz Johnson, Yenshae Morgan, Donna Worlashape James, Biggy Drewsland, Ty Allwood, Pia ‘Shorty’ Drenz, Jamie-Lee Richards, Shanae Brooks, Debbie Goodas, Sophisticat ‘Dancehallbiz.co.uk, Franz ‘I am a Jamaican.com’ Hoilett, Dre1alliance.com, Shev Morgan, Candice Williams, Kareen Johnson-Shirley, Ishanna Nunez, Tarcian Smith, Tru Sheba, Mesha Dale, Jheneal Black, Amoy Miller, Ronae White, Drenz Dee, Brenda Lee Moulton you all have a special place in my heart, all have been supportive in some way in whatever I do and for that I want to thank you highly.
Shout out to some of the top Drenzers. Some of these names are funny because it’s their Facebook names, but oh well … in no specific order:
Shaniece Wenoy Conie, Ras Tania Drenz, Venisha Williams, Aline Ko, Lia Dimepiece, Shannon Reid, Sammi Skittlezz Henry, Melissa Roye, Jamaican Bakergurl Flamez, Diana Newgirl Divine, Slim Baker, Carlton Whyte, Junior Collins, Mishyboo Mhm Lee, Kenesha Sexc Gadiare, NeishaFabulous Young, Monumental Drenz Barbie, Tracey Drenz Beckford, Marsha Dennis-Jack, Yecart Ramaj Snilloc, Oneil Pink, Breezy Thompson, Dionetta Johnson, La’Than Coleman, Gemini Neil, Divabbz Gordon Drenz, LadyWaxx Rookwood, Nicky Dias, Mandy Le Flock, Ali Boo, Annmarie Brown, Kadian Facey, Kranberi Williams, Dejah Beckles, Dianne Andlovingit, Shanice Chronic Sasha, Bonita Sonrisa, Renzii Hibbert, Antoine
tte Rochester, Christine Columbus, Karamel Johnson, Shanny Shan Pitter, Yaneka Artwell, Christal Smith, Felicity Fortis, Renee Harrison, Chiney Kaye, Kristen Powell, Cleopatra Isaac, Chrishelle Rose-Green, Kenese Richards, Q-Taz Guthrie, Nesha Slim, Cavvy-Ch Drenz, Trudyboo DrenzRock, Tanisha K. Wright, Gemini Martina Parris, Susie Stewart-Branch, Queenie Hunt, Sachail Drenz Toookute, Tashaa Rodrigues, Shana Lee Cummings, Kemo Harley, Susie Stewart-Branch, Tracyann Everbless, Vicky Senior, Karen Kelly, Karen Risner, Samantha Stuart, Kelly Hanson, Tashema Forth, Lesi Cole, Lisa Phillips, Erica Malcolm, Kadian Samuels, Janine Foster, Baby Shash Whyte, Shauna-Lee Gouldbourne, Sancii Cuteface, Sherry Berry Henry, Angie Drenz Jen, Nandee-Ranae Backford, Marsha Lewis, Izzie reid, Andrea Mitchell, Neishy Nesh, Paula Love, Rashida Ramsee, Sarneik Barnes, Kaydeen McKenzie, Lorraine Drenz Campbell, Shauna Thomas, Kay-Kay Versatile, Tinesha Bowyer, Danalee Dunn, Salima Rebelz Mohamed, Pinky Bristish, Marsha Nelly, Marsha Nelson, Latoya Prettystyle, Melisa Darby, Lovely Jillian, Shanice Ramsay, Miz Empress Murphy, Chanty Summer, Valene Sewell, Angel Sosiq Drenz, Kaii-Kaii Dowie, Annmarie Dacres, Laurie Sanford, Grace Drenz-Zoel, Nesha Faboulous Young, Lattie Toya –Toyz, Channette Dell-Anderson,SaiChi Drenz Kafka, Heather Esson, Nicarla Baby-Drenz Baxter, Netts Diamond Ekralc, Tokayan Graham, Ro Ma, Excellent Tameka, Shannel Johnson, Zonya Simpson-Drenz, Zanika Davis, Alexis Vis, Latoya Lyn, Jaqueline Johnson, Kemii Allen, Kadian Smith, Jamie-Lee Taylor, Jasmin Tomlinson, LisaDiva Phillips, Kayd Forbes, Nicky Dias, Jamet Gilzean, Flav Rasstar Ramsey, Cody Gallimore, Paula Hudson Stewart, Jenel Daisy, Shawna Gayle, Kadian Samuels, Kaykay Versatile, Shaneka Warren, Sugar Bear, Shaniel Anderson, Judy Jillian Bartley, Nadia Macombè, Shaktianna Drenz Chica, Brithaney Logan, Dadrian Drenz Lyons, Karen Bucknor, Jade Drenz Dean, Andrea Morris, Callmia Yaadie, Shanikia Bartley, Dia Jhovanna, Kemone Stoner, Shawna-Lee Smith, Kadian Cohen, Sherece Drenz Reid, Venice Dacres, Eunice Mandison, Mango Pilot, Shakira McLean,CallMia Yaadie, Sammy Wright, Davina Ebanks-Russell, Judine Goodasfidem, EmpressKarima Gibson and bad girls Kooli Badu and Shelly-Simone TooImpulsive.
OTHER BOOKS BY RICHIE DRENZ
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ABOUT THIS BOOK
To make people smile through words is a blessing, which I do not have. To make people bust out a laugh is a special superpower. I have that, no lies. No wait, before you begin to criticize and say no one has superpowers and superpowers ain’t real. Let me say again, I can bust your belly with this book. Mi naaw laugh. Don’t test me, I’m seriously funny like that. I’ll let you split your belly by chapter ten. Wet your pants by chapter fifteen, and so on and so forth, you get the picture of the danger?
My best advice to you is that if you love your belly and all of what’s inside it and don’t want it to split open with laughter then do not buy this book!
This is not a book by the way. Its actually a medicine, an anti-depressant in down times and a fun ride in high times, bring it anywhere and everywhere with you, open it, dip in and take out a laugh anytime you need it. Laughter is still a great anti-depressant. You are guaranteed to laugh each and everytime you take up this book and read from any page. Whatever bad mood you are in, sad, angry, stressed, worried or frustrated this book right here is your perfect escape.
The Jamaican Ninja BERT is just a funny character with the right amount of fatness mixed with flexibility to make you smile until your gums are exposed in its entirety. This book is best described as the book crammed with happiness inside it. A perfect gift to yourself, or for a friend or family or pet. Have fun, laugh at life, laugh at Bert, enjoy the madness
EXCERPT 1
Marj looked at him and the wrinkles straightened out her face. “See how mi smart? You nuh see how fast mi mek you reach yah?” Bert asked, “You lucky you come quick though enuh, a light mi did gone light the gas cylinder and mi couldn’t find the matches, you think you coulda out it in time if mi did get fi put mi hand pon the matches? You stay deh, you woulda blow till you weak you couldn’t put out that deh big fire deh mi woulda set the house pon. A woulda bun dung the whole a in yah then claim insurance.”
She threw her hand up and slapped her forehead harder than she intended to. She wanted to be angry, but when she looked in his eyes she breathed out some of the fire out her chest and shook her head. Her voice lowered,
“Bert, that’s a boxing ring Hun, I can’t wear that.”
She repeated her mantra, “For better or for worse Lord, for better or for worse.”
EXCERPT 2
Six and a half hours later, Marj came in the evening and was greeted by the Vybz Kartel, he was blasting in the house, ‘Cock it up pon the Dumper Truck’. Her ears hurt. But what was more alarming to her senses was a smell. She was smelling heat, stale heat like an iron left in fire. Something was burning. She charged into her living room. Bert still had the curling iron plugged in, until it was dangerously hot and red.
“What are you doing Bert?!”
Bert was reclined on his back in the sofa, he offhandedly answered,
“Clearlyyyy,” he dragged on the word ‘clearly’ for emphasis, because she must have been blind not to recognize what he was doing, “what I’m trying to do here Marj. I’m trying to master level seven of Ninja’s Thermatology, where my eyes can absorb the direct heat from the hot curling iron. Alsooo, . . . mi can absorb the heat wid the inside a mi bottom lip. Ain’t that obvious?”
EXCERPT 3
Bert totally oblivious to the hill and gully in his chest that Clivey was talking about, Bert indifferently said,
“A suh mi chest stay. Mi a get thick from morning. No pills.”
“No Bert, mi know a nuh suh it stay. Mi know a sponge under deh fi buff up your chest. Mi a nuh idiot.”
Bert slammed down his fart tonic on the bench and said,
“You chat too much. A mi chest. A mi so-so chest.”
“A nuh your chest. Lift up your blouse mek mi see if a so-so chest under deh.”
Same time Clivey spotted the piece of sponge shifted up at the neck of his blouse. It was obvious now. A piece a sponge Bert have underneath deh. Bert replied,
“Weh mi a tell lie fa!” He kissed his teeth and blatantly said, “God kill mi right yahso ten time if mi a tell lie.
CHAPTER 1
1/
THERAPY
“Because you’re my office attendant, not my wife.”
Orange freckled face, Clive McFly, wrapped his extra long fingers in a fist and melodically rapa-pam-pam his shine bony knuckles on the door to the psychiatrist’s office. The preppy-dressed secretary in a pink cardigan sweater, Nancy, buzzed the glass door to let him in. As usual he wore his Miami Vice shirt buttoned at the neck and flying open at the bottom, a binoculars around his long slender neck and his cowboy hat over is orange hair with the colourful peacock feather to the side.
The secretary greeted him.
“Good morning Mr. McFly. You’re extra early again.”
Clive was big on Christianity, so he answered the secretary not saying good morning but simply said,
“Jesus loves you. On Christ the solid rock I stand.”
“Jesus loves you too Clive. Hold a sec let me inform the psychiatrist that you’re here for your session.” She picked up the telephone and cocked her head to the side with the receiver by her left ear.
In the meantime, Clive searched his cargo shorts pocket for a paper. He realized that he had left it at home. It wasn’t an official paper, it was a plain paper. He asked Nancy for some assistance in his plight, praying to Christ she could help.
“Excuse me Nancy, do you have any rizzla on you I could borrow one?”
The secretary was accustomed to this behavior. He wasn’t quite
mad but he was quite mad. Dialing the psychiatrist, Dr. Kemp’s extension, she removed the telephone from her ear and warned,
“Clive do not to take out that stinking weed you have stuffed in the binoculars in the office, ok. Tired of telling you, you can’t build any spliff in the office. Is not Bob Marley own here or Junior Gong studio you come to voice. This is a doctor’s office.”
There was a very sudden booming shout in the building.
“Tax on sanitary napkins? Preposterous!”
The shout was coming from the office she sat in. It was in front of her boss, Dr. Kemp’s office. She had never heard him so loud before. Strangely she felt a little frightened now. The job was getting scarier and scarier to her. Maybe she’ll leave the job, but she needed to get a new one first.
Short moments passed and Nancy still had the shivers; scared for her life. That shout? Why she thought, as it was so out of character for the typically quiet introvert Dr. Kemp. She heard it loud and clear from the front desk here that she was sitting. She shook her head. She knew that in the last months he has been acting more and more like his patients and it was scary. It seemed as if he was getting mad. She knew sometimes he’d have sessions with Clive for hours beyond his scheduled time, talking utter nonsense. Clive usually had sessions every Wednesday and Thursday at 4 p.m. until 6.pm. Now as of late Clive was the only one of Dr. Kemp’s patients that came there every single early morning, Mondays to Fridays and wasn’t paying for the extra sessions. It was as if they were mad pals.
But Dr. Kemp was the one paying Nancy so she didn’t say a word to him. She said several words to his wife instead. She had called his wife, Marj, and asked her if she had noticed anything funny in his behaviour as of late. Marj denied it, but Nancy could tell from Marj’s unconvincing tone that Marj had in fact noticed it and maybe was too ashamed to admit that her husband whom she had married eight months ago and who was a psychiatrist of all professions, was getting off his rockers.