Traven says, “Stark, don’t be a fool.”
“Until they can go, I can’t go.”
Alice says, “You are such an asshole.”
“I can’t argue with that.”
“What about me?” she says. “I’m just supposed to say ‘It’s been nice. See you around’ and just leave you here? If you don’t go, I don’t go.”
“Now who’s being an asshole?”
“Tough. I’m staying.”
“You’re a warrior now. You can’t do that from here.”
“Which is why you should come with me.”
“I can’t.”
“Please be quiet, both of you,” says Vehuel. “I don’t know how Heaven could ever stand the two of you at the same time. But I know it must.”
I get up.
“My mind is made up.”
“So is mine,” says Alice.
Vehuel says, “Might I point out something to you both.”
“Go for it.”
“The Lux Occisor must be returned to Heaven.”
“Why? It’s a fake,” I say.
“But few know the truth and that’s how it must remain. Angels on both sides of the conflict will rethink their positions when they learn that God has recaptured his thunderbolt sword.”
“Fucking hell. I can’t even begin to count up the lies I’ve heard since Samael dumped me back down here. I’ll tell you one thing, even when he was Lucifer, he didn’t lie the way other angels and Mr. Muninn do.”
“Cry, gnash your teeth, and rend your garments all you want, little Abomination. The sword must be returned. If you don’t do it, then Alice must, and one wrong touch could kill her. Are you really so stubborn that you’d risk her life?”
I look at Traven.
“You’re smart. Isn’t there something in your books about this? Some kind of magic Saran Wrap or doggie bag we can put it in?”
“I’m afraid I’m out of magic doggie bags.”
Alice is giving me that look she used to give me back in L.A. The one that says, You know you have to go to the dentist. You know you’re going to the dentist. Why are you screwing around about it and making it a hundred times worse? And she was always right. Not wanting to do something isn’t the same as knowing you’re not going to do it. Fair isn’t an option in this universe.
On the other hand, blackmail is.
“I’ll go under one condition.”
“What’s that?” says Vehuel.
“Traven and what’s left of the dog pack get to come, too.”
“What’s the dog pack?” says Wanuri.
“It’s what I called all of you behind your backs.”
“Charming.”
“Don’t ruin your chance for Heaven by making ridiculous demands,” says Traven. “We’ll find our way back to Pandemonium and join the other refugees.”
“I accept your offer,” says Vehuel.
“Really?” Traven says. “Well. Thank God for ridiculous demands.”
“Wait—did you just extort our way into Heaven?” says Wanuri.
“Yeah,” I say. “You, Traven, Daja, Doris, and Gisco. But it has to be your choice. You can stay if you want.”
“Fuck that. I’m not going to crawl around in shit forever when I can have wings and armor like her,” she says, turning to Alice. “I want a flaming sword to hurt some bastards.”
“The right bastards,” says Alice.
“Of course.”
“Just making sure.”
I look at the others.
“What about the rest of you?”
They nod and grunt affirmatives.
“Can I bring my knives?” says Doris.
“You should probably leave those,” Alice says.
“I was afraid so.” She takes them off one by one and tosses them into the road.
Gisco grunts something.
“Yes. They can fix your leg,” says Alice. “That’s one of the archangel Raphael’s specialties.”
That gets an enthusiastic nod.
“What about the rest of the havoc?” says Daja.
I look over at the remains of the messiah’s terror squad. They don’t look so scary now with no vehicles or food or water. And there’s a lot fewer of them than when I joined the show.
“Which way is Pandemonium?” I ask Vehuel.
“Due east.”
I point east and shout, “Go that way. There’s food and water in Pandemonium. Then head south. You’ll find other souls there. Sooner or later, Heaven’s gates will open. You don’t want to miss it.”
Just a few leave at first. Then small groups, and finally the rest, start the long walk east. Cherry stands there like maybe I’ll tell her our conversation was a joke. She’s a wreck and always has been. I can forgive her a lot, but not Wormwood. Finally, she gets the idea and follows the others.
“That’s taken care of. Now I guess we grab the Light Killer.”
“Every scrap and splinter. Leave nothing behind,” says Vehuel.
“Getting barked at by angels. Heaven is going to be fun.”
We spend the next half hour scraping up pieces of the sword from the flatbed and the road. We wrap everything in a moldy curtain Daja grabs from one of the abandoned houses. All except one little pinkie-size piece that we almost missed. I stick that in my pocket. After one last look around, I take the heap to Vehuel.
“That’s it. Let’s get going before you make us sweep up the whole Tenebrae.”
“I don’t think she’s going anywhere,” says Alice.
She’s right. Vehuel is already starting to fade. But she’s strong. It’s a long time before she disappears completely. I help Alice up. Her eyes are red, but she doesn’t shed a tear. She’s a fighter and there are still things to do. There will be plenty of time to cry when she gets Upstairs. I won’t let her do it alone.
“I’m very sorry,” says Traven.
Alice just nods.
“What do we do now?” says Wanuri. “She was our ticket out of here.”
“No,” says Alice. “I can take you.”
I shift the bundle under my arm.
“Then let’s go. Henoch smells and I’m sick of the lies and a thousand other kinds of bullshit down here.”
She says, “Jim, you touch my shoulder. Father, you touch his. The rest of you, touch the person in front of you.”
For a second, I hope that she has to fly us there. I haven’t been on a roller coaster in years and wouldn’t mind a Disneyland moment on our way out of Hell. Instead, Alice looks at the clouds overhead and says a few angelic words. It’s not Space Mountain, but it’s still pretty good.
It’s like she punches a hole in the sky with fire. A blazing circle appears in a particularly dark cloud bank, and spreads wide, its edges burning bright with crimson flames. When she decides the hole is wide enough, and without any kind of fucking warning at all, she blows out her wings and leaps into the air, dragging me and everyone else with her. There’s a lot of wind and some turbulence on the way up, but it’s not exactly the roller coaster I was hoping for. It’s more like a freight elevator a million miles high.
As we climb through the clouds, lightning crackles around us. A storm blows up, smashing rain and hail down on us. A few remaining shards of the divine light glass tear at us. It’s like the clouds knew we were coming and Downtown saved one last fuck-you for us on the way out.
Okay—now we’re in the roller coaster. The crosswinds get worse. There’s glass in my face and hands. I squeeze the bundle with the Light Killer close against me. It would suck very hard to drop it now. Each flash of lightning illuminates things hiding in the clouds. Miles high, with claws like skyscrapers and wings wide enough to smother all of L.A. They are truly pissed about our little excursion Upstairs. They roar and howl, and their voices are the thunder and lightning that come close to knocking us off Alice’s back. But I tighten my grip on her armor and close my eyes against the glass. After all I’ve been through Downtown, I don’t want to end up in Heaven
with just one eye.
Static electricity and volcanic heat burns us as lightning flashes in every direction, missing us by just a few inches. The roar of Hell’s guardians and hurricane winds hurt every bit as much as anything I fought in the arena. Just about the time I’m going to tell Alice that I changed my mind and that she should drop me off at the nearest Denny’s, it all stops. The noise. The wind. The rain and lightning. It’s gone. I look down and watch the burning hole above Hell fizzle out and the giant guardians pulling the clouds closed around them.
So long, you dinosaur-looking motherfuckers. You did your worst and we made it out on the wings of one lone, not-too-tall angel. Think about that for the next billion years, King Ghidorah.
As bad as the ride up from Downtown was, where we are now is flat-out unsettling. We’re nowhere. Empty space. Astronaut territory. Stars wink and pulse around us. Comets and the occasional meteor flash by, but none of them try to kill us. That’s a nice change. It takes me a few minutes, but I finally figure out where we are.
This is the fall. The limbo the first two Lucifers and their playmates fell through after Mr. Muninn kicked those kids off his lawn. It took them nine days to hit bottom. After our run through tornado asshole alley just now, I’m not sure any of us can hold on for that long. But it can’t be nine days for angels, right? I mean, they fly. Hellions just plummet like eggs dropped from a frat-house roof. The utter fucked-up emptiness of this place makes me feel kind of sorry for Samael and his bunch. I’ve never felt such a sense of being nowhere before. So far from everything—good and bad—and so empty inside. And Samael had to go through this for nine days. That would make anyone, even an angel with an ego the size of Texas, a little crazy.
Soon I see that I was right. A bright pinprick of light flares in the distance. It’s either Heaven or we’re about to get hit by the 3:10 to Yuma.
Lucky for us, there are no actual trains in limbo, just paranoids like me. It isn’t long before we see actual goddamn gates up ahead. They’re gold and even bigger than Hell’s flying guardians, which, if you ask me, is a bit much. I mean, angels are about as tall as regular-size people. Why do they need gates the size of Everest? It’s like Mr. Muninn was getting ready to sell the place and went a little crazy with the upgrades.
When we’re close enough to see details of the gates, they’re even worse than I thought. They look like solid gold—of course—shaped like fucking huge arches. There are towers and spires and rose windows set into the walls on either side of the gates. It’s all one big, epic Gothic orgasm. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t the fancy-ass fence at a gated Ren Faire community. This is Brentwood with cherubs.
Worse, the bars on the gates are animated. They bend and twist around each other, forming shapes. There’s an explosion of light, then the birth of angels. Some angels start to hang stars in the sky while others build worlds. Fuck me. It’s the birth of the universe. Who is Mr. Muninn trying to impress? I think not going to Hell is pretty much what the souls who end up here care about. They don’t need a slide show while they’re getting their passports stamped.
But I really have nothing better to look at, so I keep watching. By now the angels have moved on to creating air and water. Then microscopic organisms. That’s good news at least. God believes in evolution. Then animals show up, and finally, the crown of Creation, us ridiculous human assholes. But he left out traffic jams on the 405, reality TV, and selfie sticks. Talk about propaganda.
Outside the gates, Alice lands us on a courtyard made of marble slabs as big as a Safeway parking lot.
Everybody oohs and aahs.
Alice folds her wings and stands next to me.
“Well?”
“Please tell me it’s not all like this.”
“Of course not. Heaven is just a regular place with trees and houses and libraries and parks.”
“And bars?”
“Yes, bars.”
“And movie theaters. You promised me movie theaters.”
“Yes, movie theaters. It’s just that seeing as how it was everyone’s first time here, I thought I’d take you through the formal entrance.”
I look up at the gates. The floor show is starting over. Lights. Angels. Stars. The whole bit.
“Isn’t there a nice alley with a Dumpster out in back of a taco place? Can’t we go in there?”
Alice gives me a look.
“I’m driving, so we’re going in the nice way.” She points past me. “Look at Father Traven. He’s enjoying himself.”
“Indeed I am.”
His eyes are as wide as Escalade wheel rims.
“See? That’s a positive attitude. Give it a try.”
I shift the bundle around in my arms.
“I did it once. I got a rash.”
Alice watches the others enjoying themselves.
“Fine—if you can’t be nice, then be quiet. Just until you see how things work around here. I swear you’re going to like it.”
“Introduce me to Sam Fuller. That would be a good start.”
“Excuse me,” says Doris. “Are there animals here?”
“You mean animal Heaven? It’s right over the big red bridge. I’ll show you later,” says Alice.
Doris beams. “Then it was worth the storm. I’ve missed Tootsie, my cat, so much.”
Daja says, “I miss Oscar. He was my ferret.”
Wanuri makes a face. “You had a ferret? They’re just weasels who learned a few tricks.”
“Have you ever actually met one? They’re sweet. Lots of people have ferrets.”
“Lots of crazy people,” says Gisco.
Everybody stares at him. Of course. We’re in Heaven. Everybody can talk to everybody.
It’s nice to understand you, Gisco, but fucking hell. It’s already so fucking sweet here. Like being in Disneyland forever. And I already got off the only good ride.
Wanuri says, “Matilda, my ex, had a whole fish tank of scorpions. Those don’t count as pets, do they? Are there scorpions in Heaven?”
Alice thinks for a moment.
“Believe it or not, that’s the first time the subject has come up. But I can ask.”
“I hope not. And I hope they ate her.”
“What did I just say about a positive attitude?”
“Sorry.”
Daja walks away from the group. I follow her.
“Are you going to be okay with Raziel gone?”
“I guess. It’s just that between him and this, it’s a lot to take in all at once.”
“They probably have therapists in Heaven.”
“They better. Who’s that?”
I look at where she’s pointing. Someone in a suit sharp enough to cut a diamond is headed our way. I walk over to him.
“I see you made it,” says Samael. “And you brought some little friends. You always were sentimental.”
“Careful. It’s that attitude that got you the Lucifer gig. Do you want to go back to that?”
“Not for all the tea in China.”
I hand him the moldy drapes wrapped around the Light Killer.
“Hold this. I have to get something.”
“Why is it every time I see you my cleaning bill goes up?”
I take out the amber knife.
“I told you I’d get this back to you soon.”
“No thank you.”
“But I’m done with it.”
“Are you sure? You might want to turn around.”
I look over my shoulder just as an armored angel swoops down at me, his Gladius raised to take off my head.
I roll onto the marble floor and back onto my feet. The winged bastard misses Samael by a few inches, but Samael doesn’t move. Always the show-off.
By now the others have dropped their kitten and bunny chatter and noticed me fighting for my fucking life.
“Sarosh!” shouts Alice.
Sarosh. Now at least I know the name of the guy who’s going to relieve me of the misery of eating organic mu
ffins forever.
The angel makes a sharp turn and shoots back at me. I shout some Hellion hoodoo and it has about as much effect as reading cupcake recipes to a lobster.
You’re in Heaven, dumb-ass. Hell magic isn’t going to work here.
While I’m trying to improvise some Sub Rosa hoodoo, on the off chance that Heaven allows us magical types any leeway at all, Sarosh lands. And runs at me like Toshiro Mifune in full samurai mode. At least if I had a na’at I might be able to put a little distance between us. But I have nothing other than the amber knife, and I’m really trying to not start out in Heaven by killing an angel. Of course, there is another angel in the vicinity and she’s not the shy type.
Alice hits Sarosh boots first at about a hundred miles an hour. The blow smashes him into the marble floor hard enough to bury him a good six inches. But the prick gets up. He’s bloody and his nose is a little off center, but the hit hasn’t slowed him down much. That doesn’t faze Alice. She lands and smashes her Gladius into his, knocking him back a few feet. That just pisses him off. He shouts and charges her. Sarosh swings his blade, but when she goes to block him, he slips under and tags her in the belly. It doesn’t stop her, but I can tell that it hurt like hell. Then Sarosh is on her, raining one chopping blow after another onto her Gladius. Wounded, Alice can’t take the crazy ferocity of the hits and goes down on one knee.
I look at Samael and he shakes his head. He’s still Death and Death can’t take sides. But I’m sort of Death now, too, so I rush Sarosh from behind.
When he raises his Gladius high for a killing blow, I grab his armor and shove the amber blade straight through the back of his holier-than-thou skull.
So much for a quiet entrance Upstairs.
His Gladius goes out and now he’s the one who drops to his knees. Alice gets up and shoves her Gladius into his chest, bringing it up sharply and splitting him neatly in half. He blips out a second later.
I run to Alice and grab her.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” she says. “But part of the blow slipped between two armor plates and tagged me. I’ll be fine, but I need to sit down for a few minutes.”
The others come over. I let her down slowly and kneel next to her.
“That was a hell of a shot at the end, splitting him like that.”