“I have to find her. Christ, Beth, I love her.”
He had to explain—to apologize. He hadn’t been there for her when she needed him, and he would never forgive himself for that. But Jo would. She was the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful woman he’d ever met, and her heart was as big as the sun.
His young sister looked at him with wisdom far beyond her years. “She is trying to make a new start for herself, Jamie. If you truly love her, you will leave her in peace.”
He did love her, but he couldn’t do that. For he knew that without her, he would never have a moment‘s happiness. They belonged together. Never did he doubt that for a minute.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Jo felt her mouth twitch. The twitch became impossible to control and all at once she burst into laughter. Real, honest-to-goodness laughter. It had been so long, she had begun to wonder whether she’d ever feel the urge to laugh again.
But it seemed she would and maybe that was all right.
The loss of her baby would be with her always, but Joanna had survived. Although at the time she hadn’t understood why. She’d blamed herself. All she could remember was wishing that James hadn’t gotten her with child right before falling, and the horrible fear that God had listened to her prayer.
But she hadn’t meant it, and God would know that. It had been an accident. A horrible, painful accident. But it had made her stronger—and it had chased the last few stars from her eyes. Tragedy had a way of forcing reality upon you, and she could see now all the mistakes she’d made and vowed to never make again.
It was with a far clearer vision of the harsh realities of the world that Joanna glanced up at the man beside her. It was hard to picture him chasing after a tiny piglet only to be knocked in the backside into the mud by the irritated sow, but his telling of yesterday’s misadventure had pulled the laughter from her chest and put a little joy back in her heart. She thanked him for it. She had much to thank him for.
“Ah, it is good to hear you laugh like that, lass.” His dark eyes sparkled with mischief. “Though I do wish it hadn’t been at my expense.”
He was an easy man to like, Sir David Lindsay. Handsome, kind, and with the kind of solid strength that made her feel safe.
She smiled back at him. “I would apologize, but as I suspect the story had exactly the result you intended, I won’t.” His deepening grin told her she was right. Her expression changed as gratitude swelled in her chest. “You have been a good friend to me these past few months, David, and I thank you for it.”
He took her hand in his. It was warm and firm, as pleasant and solid as the man himself. The mischief was gone from his eyes, replaced by a deep earnestness. “I won’t press you, but when you are ready, I hope that I can be more than your friend. If I could, I would change everything about that day except for the fact that I met you. You deserve to be happy, Joanna, and I want to be the one to make it so.”
His declaration wasn’t a surprise. When he’d learned of her intention to leave Douglas, the invitation for her to stay at her cousin’s home—the cousin who just happened to be married to one of Sir David’s vassals—to help her with the care of her children and home while her husband recovered from the broken leg he’d suffered after he fell off the roof of their cottage while trying to make repairs, it had been too convenient to be coincidental. But at the time, Joanna had been so desperate for a place to go where James would not easily find her, she’d jumped at the opportunity.
Sir David Lindsay was a good man, and in time perhaps she could grow to love him. Not the passionate, all-encompassing girlish love she’d had for James, but the solid, mature love of a woman. But it wouldn’t be fair to encourage him—even if she didn’t suspect his feelings for her were more a result of that strong streak of rescuer he had running through his blood. “There are things you don’t know. Things that would make it impossible for there to be anything more than friendship between us.”
His expression hardened, and she saw vestiges of the formidable warrior he was reputed to be. Like James, Sir David was a close companion of the king and a member of his personal retinue. “If you mean Douglas, he doesn’t scare me.”
He should, she almost said. Sir David was tall, strong, and surely skilled, but few men could best James Douglas in size, sheer physical strength, and fierceness.
She shook her head. “It’s not James.” At least not entirely. She chewed on her thumb absently, heat crawling up her cheeks. How could she explain without telling him about the baby? She wasn’t chaste. She’d carried another man’s child. Hardly the proper wife for a young lord. Though they were the same age at two and twenty, she felt far older by experience.
He must have guessed at the reason for her hesitation. He tipped her chin with the back of his finger to look into his eyes. “I am not a priest, Joanna. I will not require a confession of sins before I ask a woman to be my wife. I will listen, if you feel you must tell me, but remember that I was the first person to reach you when you fell, and it was me who carried you up the hill to the castle. I may not be a healer, but I do understand why a woman might be bleeding after a fall like that. I also saw the way you cried and cradled your stomach when you woke. When I learned of your connection—your former connection—to Douglas, it wasn’t difficult to figure out what had happened.”
Joanna was stunned. “And you still…?” She couldn’t get the words out. The fact that this man so easily offered what James had refused—even after what she’d just said—made her want to burst into tears.
He nodded. “Aye, I still. I won’t lie to you and say that I don’t wish it had happened differently. But I gave it some thought, and your former relationship with Douglas isn’t what worries me. What worries me is whether that relationship really is in the past.” She opened her mouth to respond, but he stopped her. “I’m not asking for assurances. Not now, at least. But I thought you should know how I felt.”
Joanna didn’t understand. “Why me?” she blurted. Then embarrassed, she tried to explain, “I mean, I’m sure you have your pick of the ladies at court.”
He smiled again. “Because you are sweet, kind, and beautiful, and none of the ladies at court have ever made me this happy. You are special, Joanna, and I thank God every day that Douglas was too much of a fool to realize what a treasure he had.”
No one… only the marshal’s daughter. The cruel words still had the power to sting, but Sir David had helped lessen the hurt. Not all men saw her worth as simply a rung on the ladder of social positioning.
For a moment she thought he might kiss her. She would have let him, curious to see whether he could rouse the same passion in her as James. But he must have remembered his vow not to press her.
Dropping his hand from her face, he stepped back. “I should return to the castle. Some of the guests will be arriving soon, and I should be there to greet them. I only stopped by to make sure you saved me the first dance.” He smiled. “And the last dance and every one in between.”
Despite her lighter spirits today, Joanna didn’t feel much like feasting. But after all Sir David had done for her, she could not refuse to attend the May Day celebration that seemed to have the entire village in a state of barely contained excitement. With the war, there had been little time or opportunity for feasting, and everyone knew with King Edward threatening to invade again in the summer, it might be some time before there was another.
“I should like that very much,” she answered honestly. “Although I think your duties as host will require the partnering of more than just one woman.”
He made a face and sighed. “I suppose you are right. But the first will be yours and I shan’t enjoy the rest.”
She laughed and her smile lingered long after he’d gone.
Though she supposed she should go inside and start helping the children—and herself—get ready, Joanna strolled to the edge of the burn that wound along the edge of the cottage. The hill sloped along the bank, and she was careful as she sat on the damp gras
s not to slip. It was a beautiful day, and like the laughter that had come before, the warmth of the sun on her face seemed to harken an awakening. A return from the dark, grief-stricken days of the past few months.
She didn’t allow herself to think much of James, but surprisingly, speaking of him with Sir David today hadn’t been as painful as she’d feared. Her feelings—the love, anger, disillusionment, and hatred—weren’t so intense. Time and healing had dulled the sting and given her perspective.
She didn’t blame him for what had happened. It had been just as much her fault as his. She’d been naive and filled with unrealistic expectations. Knowing his ambition and how important restoring his family’s honor was to him, she should have realized that marriage to him would not be based on love but on position and fortune. His bride would be a prize to be won, just like everything else.
But her fault went beyond failure to properly take stock of the circumstances. She’d put him up on a pedestal like a demigod with a love akin to worship. It was no wonder that he’d never seen her as his equal. The harsh reality was that she’d never seen herself as his equal. She’d loved him too much and given too much of herself away in the process.
She had given him everything and never demanded anything in return. Why was she surprised that when she finally did, he refused?
She had let him take her for granted, let him think she was a woman he could make love to and not marry, but that would never happen again. The next man she trusted with her heart would value it.
But Joanna wasn’t sure she would ever be able to trust anyone like that again. Like the scars upon her flesh, the wounds to her heart were healed but not erased. The memories, like the marks, would remain.
She heard a sound behind her and saw her cousin Maggie rushing toward her.
Jo’s eyes narrowed with concern at Maggie’s anxious expression. “What’s wrong?”
Though breaking a bone as badly as Patrick, her cousin’s husband, had often meant the loss of the limb, his leg seemed to be healing well. So well that he was able to hobble around with a stick and had resumed many of his duties. Her cousin wouldn’t need her much longer—if she ever had.
Maggie shook her head. “Someone is here to see you.”
A shadow moved from around the cottage behind Maggie.
Joanna stilled. Her heart skittered to a stop and then froze as ice hardened around it like a protective shell.
She knew who it was even before the familiar form appeared. He’d found her. And the storm of emotions brewing inside her, trying to crack the ice, told her that maybe she wasn’t quite as over James Douglas as she wanted to be.
After days of frustration in trying to convince her family to tell him where she was, and all the fruitless searching, the first glimpse of Joanna nearly brought him to his knees. James was so glad to see her, all he could think about was crossing the distance between them and wrapping her in his arms. He wanted to hold her against him, savoring the soft warmth of her body cradled against his and smothering his senses with the fragrant scent of wildflowers that always drenched her skin and hair.
But the look in her eyes stopped him cold. She looked so different. She’d lost so much weight, the lush curves he loved so much had all but disappeared. She looked achingly frail, like a strong wind might carry her away. Despite the sunny day, her cheeks were not rosy and tanned but pale and colorless. He could see the thin pink line of a scar on her brow, one on her temple, and another on her chin. The changes wrought by the accident were like a punch in the gut, and another stone set upon the pile of guilt crushing his chest.
I could have lost her. And just how close he’d come to that was staring right back at him.
But it wasn’t the physical changes that chilled every bone in his body. It was the blank look in her eyes and the indifference of her reaction. For the first time in his life, Joanna was staring at him without feeling, and it froze him. Hell, it terrified him. It made him realize that maybe she wasn’t going to be as ready to forgive him as he’d thought.
“Joanna?” her cousin asked hesitantly.
“It’s fine, Maggie. You can leave us. Lord Douglas won’t be here long.”
Lord Douglas? Christ, she’d never called him that in her life.
Her cousin left, and Joanna met his gaze again. “How did you find me?”
Not “I missed you,” not “thank God you are here,” just the cold, flat emotionless tone of a woman who hadn’t wanted to be found.
She really hadn’t wanted him to find her. He hadn’t actually believed that until now.
He shrugged. “It wasn’t too difficult.”
She held his gaze, challenging the lie. “Who did you threaten?”
He frowned. Is that really what she thought of him? “I didn’t threaten anyone. If you must know, it was your sister who told me.”
Joanna muttered a curse he’d never heard from her lips before. “I don’t need to ask which one. Constance has so many stars in her eyes where you are concerned, it probably didn’t take much effort on your part to wile it out of her.”
In the past he would have teased her that Constance wasn’t the only one, but he sensed the jest would not be welcome. He also sensed that it was no longer true. Joanna had always looked at him as if he were some kind of hero out of a bard’s tale. As if he could slay dragons, hang the moon, and out-duel Lancelot all at the same time. But she wasn’t looking at him that way now. The clear blue eyes stared at him with not a hint of starriness.
He’d hurt her far more than he realized and the knowledge weighed on him like a stone on his chest.
Though her gaze was no more welcoming than before, he took a few strides toward her until they were standing only a few feet apart. “I’m sorry, mo ghrá. I’m sorry for everything. The baby. God, the baby.” His voice broke. “I didn’t know. I should have been there with you. I would have been, if you’d told me.”
His words had no effect. She stared up at him, unmoved and seemingly uninterested. “Why would I do that? It was over.”
“I didn’t mean that. I was angry. You were forcing me to choose between you and my duty, and I reacted. Badly, I admit. But damn it, Jo, you had to know I didn’t mean it. I love you.”
He’d taken her arm without realizing it and tried to bring her closer to him, but she was as rigid as a pole of steel.
She turned her head away. “It makes no difference now.”
His heart picked up the beat, speeding to a frantic race. She was acting like she hated him. But that wasn’t possible. This was Jo—his Jo—she loved him. “Of course it makes a difference,” he said softly. “We need to talk about this, if we are going to get past it.”
“Get past it?” She stared at him and then did something so unexpected it shook him to the core. She burst into laughter. “Dear God, do you actually think you can tell me it’s over, leave for three months while I mourn the child you would have had the world call a bastard, and then come back as if nothing has changed? Everything has changed, James. I do not blame you for what happened any more than I blame myself. It was an accident. But it is done, and nothing can be done to change it back. You are too late. Whatever chance we might have had died along with our unborn child.”
He heard the words, but he didn’t want to hear what she was saying. He couldn’t be too late.
Despite the warmth of the day, his skin felt like ice. A shiver ran down his spine. He had to make her see reason. “You are overwrought—angry—God knows, you have every right to be. But don’t say something you don’t mean. You love me, Jo, and I love you. We will get through this together.”
She shook her head. “There is no ‘together,’ James. You and I were never meant to be, I see that now. You will always be an important part of my past, but that is where you will remain.”
“But damn it, Jo, you love me.”
“I did. Very much. Too much, as it turned out, for it did not allow me to see what was right in front of me. You and I wanted different things.
”
James felt as if flames were roaring in his ears, in his chest, scorching like wildfire. “You don’t mean that.”
But she did. He could see it in her eyes. He’d killed the love she’d had for him as surely as if he’d stuck a dagger through her heart.
“You should go, James. You don’t belong here.”
“Neither do you. You belong with me back in Douglas.”
The sad smile on her face said otherwise. “I thought so, too. But we were both wrong. I belong where I will be happy, and right now that is here.”
His eyes narrowed, the suspicion he’d been trying to keep at bay pushing its way forward front and center. “Why are you here, Jo? Does it have something to do with Lindsay?” He took her by the arm, gazing at her with all the intensity burning inside him. “If he has touched you, I’ll kill him.”
She wrenched her arm out of his hold, the first spark of emotion blaring in her brilliant blue eyes. Too bad it was anger. “How dare you make threats and disparage a man who has been nothing but kind to me! Sir David is a friend—that is all. Not that it is any of your business. You lost any voice in the subject the day you told me it was over.”
“Damn it, Jo, I didn’t mean that.”
As suddenly as it had sparked, her anger was tamped out. In its place was sadness and resolve. Who the hell was this calm, self-possessed woman? What happened to the effervescent girl who only had to smile at him to make the day brighter? His heart tugged, and then grew too tight.
“Whether you meant it doesn’t matter. It was for the best. It forced me to see the truth. I loved you too much, and that wasn’t good for either one of us.”
“Stop talking in the past tense, damn it. It isn’t over.”
The look in her eyes told him differently. “Go, James. I do not want you here. I don’t want to see you again. If you ever cared for me, just leave me be.”
And with that, she turned and walked toward the cottage.