Olivia was going to miss me. Miss Bell was anxious about the post of governess; but she was reassured almost immediately. She was to stay on and look after Olivia and presumably me during holidays from school when—I imagined most reluctantly—my father would have to allow me to return to the family home.
We discussed school and coming out—both with their hazards— and our mother.
Olivia had heard that she was abroad with Captain Carmichael and that he had had to resign his commission in the Army because of the scandal. It seemed strange to me that our mother could leave without wanting to see us—or at least to hear from us. And our father certainly did not want to see me. How different it had been with Cousin Mary!
There was an ache in my heart every time I thought of her.
Then life began to change—not suddenly, but gradually. I went away to school and after the first few weeks enjoyed it. I was extremely good at English literature and had a flair for languages. Miss Bell had taught us a little French and German and I rapidly progressed in those tongues. I played lacrosse with some success; I learned ballroom dancing and to play the piano, and in none of these activities was I a dunce, though I did not exactly excel in any of them.
I began to like school, my new friends, rivalries and all the drama and comedy which seemed to arise out of trivialities. I was not too different from the normal to arouse enmity, yet I had something which was unusual. I think it was a vitality, a tremendous interest in everything that was going on, and a willingness to try everything once. It brought me friends and it made my school life very acceptable.
But I always enjoyed coming home for holidays and in the beginning deluded myself into believing that it would all be changed. My mother would return; my father would be pleased to see me and everything would be happy. Why I should have thought this I could not imagine. It had never been so before.
Olivia was in the throes of "coming out" and after the first few months finding it not so bad as she had thought it might be. She was not an outstanding success in society but she had never expected to be; all she hoped for was to get by, which was just what she was doing. She went to balls and even on occasions to Court—the Court of the Prince and Princess of Wales, that was. The Queen was not given to frivolity and was at Windsor most of the time or hiding herself away in the Isle of Wight. The Prince and Princess of Wales were those who held court and were courted.
But those occasions were rare. The Prince of Wales was what was called a little "fast" and so the society which surrounded him was considered not ideal for young girls on the threshold of their entrance into society.
Between Miss Bell and Aunt Imogen, Olivia was very closely guarded; and she had overcome the dread she had felt at first and was beginning to find life not unpleasant. She still suffered from shyness; and wished that I could accompany her on her engagements. So did I. When there was a ball at the house I was not allowed to go and was resigned to my usual post at the top of the staircase—rather undignified for a girl who was fast becoming an adult.
My father then decided that I should go to a finishing school in France. Once again I was appalled and once again I was soon enjoying it. We lived in a chateau in the mountains, and parties of us would walk into the town once a week and have a cup of coffee and the most delicious pastries, sitting outside a cafe under a brightly coloured sunshade while we talked of what would happen to us when it was our turn to "come out."
Time was passing. I had forgotten what Captain Carmichael looked like, though when we drank lemonade I remembered vividly sitting at the window on the day of the Jubilee, and how happy we had been then. But I never forgot Paul Landower. I used to sketch his face in one of the sketch-books which we took with us on rambles in the mountains. He grew more and more handsome, more and more noble with the passing of time. Girls would peer over my shoulder and say: "There he is again. I do believe, Caroline Tressidor, that he is your lover."
They were always talking about lovers. I used to listen and smile and pretend a little . . . well, perhaps more than a little. It gave one enormous prestige to have had an admirer. I began to hint at a romantic attachment. I invented episodes which had taken place during my stay in Cornwall. Paul Landower had been in love with me but nothing could be done about that because he considered me too young. He was waiting for me to grow up. I almost had now. It became my favourite relaxation—making up little scenes between us, and I told them with such conviction that I began to believe them myself.
I mentioned that he was troubled and this made him even more attractive in their eyes. He was melancholy; he was like Lord Byron, said someone; and I did not deny it. It was no fault of his that his great house had had to be given up. If he had had time he would have retrieved his family's fortunes.
I told the story of how I had played ghosts with his younger brother. Later, I romanced, I had confessed to Paul. He had taken me into his arms to comfort me. "There!" he said. "It is no fault of yours. You are not to blame." "And you don't love me any less for what I did?" I asked. "I love you more than ever . . . because of it. You did it for me. I love you infinitely."
Sometimes I came out of my fantasies and laughed at myself. We laughed a lot. Finishing school was fun. Discipline was not the same and as long as we spoke French all the time, that was all that was required of us.
Then it was over. I was seventeen. I would now go home and I supposed my "coming out" would begin. I imagined that I should be drilled by Aunt Imogen as Olivia had been. I thought the dressmakers would be coming to measure me and sew for me as they had for Olivia. But it did not turn out that way.
Once Olivia asked Aunt Imogen when I was going to come out and she reported that Aunt Imogen put her lips together in that way she had and which was like a trap shutting. She had turned away and not answered.
It seemed very strange.
Olivia would have been delighted if we could have gone to the parties together. She had a wardrobe full of beautiful dresses and I longed to have some like them.
"One can only wear them once or twice," said Olivia. "It's the same people everywhere and it wouldn't do for them to think you were so poor you had to go on wearing the same things over and over again."
"Would it matter?"
"Of course. It's a sort of parade, isn't it? Everyone is supposed to be beautiful and rich. It's all part of one's assets."
"Like a cattle market."
"Yes," she said thoughtfully, "it is really. Papa is quite well off and nobody seems very eager to take me. I suppose I am not attractive enough even though Papa has enough money to make me worthwhile in the other respect."
"Oh, Olivia, you sound cynical. I never thought you would be that."
"I suppose it's the way life goes. You'll see when your turn comes."
But my turn did not come.
Then I noticed a change in Olivia. She seemed to have grown prettier; she was absent-minded; I would find her staring into space, and when I spoke to her she did not always hear me.
"I'll tell you what," said Rosie Rundall, with whom, now that we were growing up, we seemed to be on even more friendly terms than before. "Miss Olivia is in love."
"In love! Olivia! Oh, Olivia, are you?"
"What nonsense," she said, but she was flushed and confused, so we knew it was true.
"Who is it?" I demanded.
"It's nothing. It's no one."
"But you can't be in love with no one."
"Stop teasing," she pleaded. "What would be the good of my being in love with someone. He wouldn't be in love with me, would he?"
"Why not?" demanded Rosie.
"Because I'm too quiet and not pretty or clever enough."
"Believe me," said Rosie, "and I know what I'm talking about. There's plenty who like their women that way."
But however much we tried to probe, Olivia would tell us nothing. I presumed she nurtured a secret passion for someone who was scarcely aware of her existence. But she did not seem to dread going to parties so much—a
nd even on some occasions looked forward to them. I confided in Rosie that it was because she hoped to see this young man, and Rosie thought that very likely.
Rosie herself seemed more lovely, more soignee than ever. She often used to come and show herself to us before going on those nightly jaunts of hers. We used to marvel at her clothes. Olivia, who had learned a great deal since coming out, said that the silk of her dress was of very good quality, and she wondered how Rosie could afford such garments.
Meanwhile I was more or less confined to the schoolroom. I did not have routine lessons but I used to read French with Miss Bell every day. Since my sojourn in France, I spoke that language better than Miss Bell did; candidly she admitted this, but decided it was good for me to "keep it up"—so we conversed and read daily in French.
Olivia came in one day excited because there was to be a ball at Lady Massingham's. Everyone would be in fancy dress and masked. She liked the idea. "When my face is covered up I don't feel so shy," she said. "I think I rather like masked balls."
"Very exciting not to know to whom you are talking," I agreed.
"Yes, and they unmask at midnight and you sometimes get a shock."
"I wish I were going."
"I can't think why . . . Moira Massingham was saying it was very odd that you don't come out. She says you're old enough and her mother was saying it was rather strange."
"I expect it will happen soon," I said.
"In the meantime you can't go to the masked ball."
"Oh, how I wish I could."
"What as?"
"Cleopatra, I think. I rather fancy myself in the role with an asp curled around my neck."
Olivia began to laugh.
The next day she said: "I was talking to Moira Massingham at the Dentons' place and she said you ought to go. Why not? she said. No one would know and you could be like Cinderella and slip away before the stroke of midnight and the unmasking."
The idea appealed to me.
"But I would be an uninvited guest," I said.
"Not if Moira knew. After all it's for her. Surely she can ask her friends."
The prospect of going to the masked ball added zest to the days. Moira Massingham was thrilled by the idea. It had to be secret. She visited us for tea, which we were allowed to have together and alone—a tribute to Olivia's maturity—and I was not sure whether I was expected to be present, but I managed to be.
"It's a shame you're not 'out,' " said Moira to me when Olivia had gone out of the room to get something she wanted to show to Moira. "Perhaps they want to get Olivia married off first and think you might spoil her chances."
"Why ever should I?"
"Because you're more attractive."
"That hadn't occurred to me."
"Never mind. You're coming to the ball."
Olivia returned and I could not stop thinking of what Moira had said. I wondered if Olivia believed the same. Poor Olivia, she already had a notion that nobody found her attractive.
Getting me to the ball would need a certain amount of manoeuvring. If it were discovered, the project would immediately be stopped. The fact that Moira wanted me to go eased my conscience about gate crashing. But how was I to get out of the house in my finery without being noticed?
When Rosie Rundall heard of it—and we could not resist telling her—she immediately took over command. "It'll be tricky," she admitted, "but we'll manage. Leave it to me."
She decided that Thomas, the coachman, would have to be a collaborator.
"He'll do it for me," she said with a laugh. "He's the only one who would be ready to risk his job because he knows he couldn't easily be replaced. They wouldn't find the mews in such good order if Thomas wasn't there. He'll help us."
So it was arranged that I should go to the back door through a corridor which was not used very much, and out across the garden to the mews where Thomas would be waiting with the carriage. Rosie would see that the coast was clear. I should get into the carriage, cower back so that I could not be seen while Thomas brought the carriage round to the front door to pick up Olivia.
"Do you think Aunt Imogen will be going with Olivia?" I asked.
There was a problem. If she did go the whole plot would fail.
"I'll make them see that the whole idea of a masked ball is that nobody knows who is who," said the forceful Moira. "I'll impress on my mother that chaperones must be excluded on this occasion. I'll say we'll only ask the girls who can take care of themselves. None of the starters, the just-out-brigade."
We were all giggling at the prospect and gave ourselves up to the fun of planning.
"What will you go as, Caroline?" asked Moira, who was going as Lady Jane Grey.
"Oh, we've discussed that," said Olivia. "Caroline thinks of the maddest things."
"I rather fancy Boadicea."
"You'd have to have a chariot."
"I should love to ride in scattering all before me."
"Talk sense," said Moira.
"Diana the Huntress. That would be fun. Helen of Troy. Mary Queen of Scots."
"Think of the costume."
"None of those is impossible."
We went through Olivia's wardrobe. She had a beaded jacket with beads which reminded me of hieroglyphics. I tried it on and shook out my dark hair. I had come back to my original idea. I would be Cleopatra.
Moira clapped her hands. "It's perfect," she said. "With a long black skirt. Here it is. Try it on."
She looked at me critically, her head on one side, and said she had a necklace which looked like a snake. It had belonged to her great-grandmother. "There is your asp."
Excitedly we planned.
I was sure Olivia was more interested in my costume than her own, which Aunt Imogen had helped to create. She was to be Nell Gwynn with a basket of oranges as her badge of identity.
Thomas was eager to help—perhaps mainly to please Rosie. I think quite a number of servants thought I was badly treated and were eager to perform little services for me.
We were all waiting with the utmost eagerness for the night of the ball. Moira brought our masks. It was imperative that they should all be the same, she said. They were large and black and covered our faces so well that it would be difficult for anyone to recognize us.
Rosie tried on our dresses and would not have needed much persuasion, I felt, to come herself; but when I mentioned this she said: "Oh no, ducks. It's one of my nights off. I've got my own fish to fry."
The arrangement was that when we returned she should let me in by way of the back door. Olivia would be dropped at the front door, which would be opened by Rosie in her capacity of parlourmaid—for she must return from her own night out by eleven o'clock—and she was in fact to sit up to perform this duty. Then Thomas would drive me round to the mews. I would then cross the garden to the back door where Rosie would be waiting to let me in, making sure that I was not seen.
The evening came. We were on the alert all the time while Olivia helped me to dress. She had taken the precaution of locking the door. Finally I was ready in my beaded hieroglyphics and my snake necklace. My hair, which had been dressed by Olivia, fell over my shoulders. I wore a headdress which we had contrived from stiff cardboard, painted red, blue and gold. It looked most effective, and I believe I did bear a resemblance—if a faint one—to the celebrated Queen of Egypt.
The dangerous moment had come, which was to get me out of the house undetected. We had eluded Aunt Imogen and Miss Bell; but the most perilous moments lay ahead, and I do not know what we should have done without Rosie. She it was who made sure that all was safe, and I crept out of the house to the mews where Thomas was waiting with the air of a conspirator. He bundled me into the carriage.
"Crouch down, Miss Caroline," he said. "My, you'll be the belle of the ball. What you supposed to be?"
"Cleopatra."
"Who's she when she's out?" Thomas prided himself on his modernity and had all the catch-phrases of the day on his tongue.
"She was
a Queen of Egypt."
"Well, you'll be queen of the ball, Miss Caroline, and that's nearer than Egypt, eh?"
He laughed immoderately. Another of Thomas's characteristics was to laugh heartily at what he considered his jokes. The trouble was that no one else saw them in that light.
"Now keep out of sight," he warned. "Otherwise we'll be in trouble, and Miss Rundall wouldn't like that at all, would she? I'd be in the doghouse, I can tell you."
We came round to the front of the house and Thomas leaped down to make sure that no one helped Olivia into the carriage but himself. Rosie stood at the door watching, all dressed in her night-out finery, and ready to set off for the frying of that fish she had mentioned. Olivia hurried into the carriage, nearly dropping her oranges, overcome as she was with excitement and nervousness.
Then we were trotting along to the Massinghams'.
Theirs was a large, imposing residence backing onto the Park, and carriages were already lining up at the door while their masked occupants alighted. Passers-by watched with amusement as we went into the house.
There was no formal greeting for the whole idea was that nobody knew who anyone else was.
"Ten minutes to midnight," said Olivia warningly, as we left the carriage. "No later, Thomas."
Thomas touched his cap. "I know, Miss Olivia. Before they take off their masks, eh? Wouldn't do for anyone to see who's who." He was overcome with amusement.
"That's the idea, Thomas," I said.
"Well, ladies, I hope you enjoy it. You can rely on old Thomas to get you back."
He went off chuckling and Olivia and I went to the ball.
The salon was on the first floor and it made a sizeable ballroom. It looked very grand decorated with flowers, and the musicians were playing as we entered. From the windows I could see the garden below— looking very romantic in moonlight. White chairs and tables had been set up down there, and beyond, the Park looked like a mysterious forest. I caught a glimpse of silver through the trees and guessed that to be the Serpentine.
I kept close to Olivia. Two men came up. One was dressed as a Saxon in a tunic and cross-over laces about his legs, and the other was a very elaborate gentleman from a long-ago Court of France.