Chapter 15
"So this is limbo," I said, looking around. I wasn't much impressed.
"The word 'limbo' is a mortal term used by some religions to express the concept of the Akasha, something most people have difficulty understanding," the small boy next to me said as we walked down a rocky hillside. He waved his hand at the sparse landscape around us. "The Akasha is more than limbo. It is a place few visit, and from which even fewer return. "
"Really? What sorts of things do people have to do to get sent here?"
The boy's face gave away no emotion. "The Akasha is a place of punishment, Portia Harding. The ultimate place of punishment. To my memory, the sovereign has granted respite from its confines to only three people. "
"Only three in that many millions of years?" I shivered. "Right, so note to self - don't do anything to piss the mare off enough to be sent here. "
"That would be a very wise policy to follow. If you would walk this way. "
I obligingly followed him as he carefully picked a way through a rocky stretch that led to a faint path. "The last thing I remember before I found myself here was you saying I had to die. Are you implying that I'm dead?"
He tipped his head to the side for a moment, then continued walking. "Do you feel dead?"
"No. I feel annoyed. " Ahead of us, in a shallow valley, a large outcropping of rock jutted out of the earth. The wind whipped around us, cutting through my clothing and stinging my flesh with tiny little whips of pain. "And cold. What are we doing here?"
"This is the site of your trial. As you implied, it is difficult for the layperson to weigh the purity of someone's being. "
I stumbled over a clod of earth, quickly regaining my balance, but looking warily at the rocky outcropping as we slowly wound our way through the deserted valley floor toward it. "So you decided on a trial by endurance, is that it? If I make it to those rocks there in one piece, I pass the trial?"
To my complete surprise, the boy nodded his head. "Yes. That's it exactly. "
I slid a few feet down a graveled slope, my arms cartwheeling as I struggled to maintain my balance. "You're kidding!"
"No, indeed I'm not. " He stopped next to a spiky, stunted, leafless shrub, and nodded toward the outcropping. "I can take you no further. The rest of this trial you must conduct on your own. The circle of Akasha there is your goal. Good luck, Portia Harding. "
The unspoken words, "You're going to need it," hung in the air, but I ignored them as I eyeballed the rocks approximately three hundred feet away. I decided a little mental support was in order, and reached out my mind to Theo. I'm not so proud I can't admit that I'm a bit frightened by this. They can't do anything to permanently harm me, can they?
The wind was all the answer I had.
Theo? Are you there?
My words evaporated into nothing. It was as if he didn't exist.
"Why can't I talk to Theo?" I asked the boy.
He seemed to know that I was referring to our mental form of communication. "Such a thing is not possible in the Akasha. "
"Lovely. So, I just walk there? That's all I do?"
"Yes. Once you reach the circle of Akasha, the trial will be over. "
"And I'll be sent back to the Court?" Something wasn't right here. It couldn't be this easy. Could it?
"That depends on you," he said enigmatically.
I opened my mouth to ask him a question or five, but decided that stalling would do nothing but give me a case of exposure in this horrible cold. I rubbed my hands on my arms briskly, nodded, and took four steps forward.
From the depths of the circle of stone, three shapes emerged. They were black and curiously flat as their silhouettes stood starkly against the white stones. At the sight of them, my feet stopped moving, and I found myself suddenly drenched in a cold sweat.
"Uh. . . who are they?" I asked over my shoulder.
The boy smiled, his eyes sad. "Hashmallim. "
Hashmallim. The word struck a chord of dread deep inside of me. Theo had spoken of them as being a danger to Sarah and me, and now I was expected to walk right up to a couple of them and. . . do what? Talk to them?
"What do they want? Why are they there? Am I supposed to do something with them?"
"You must walk to the center of the circle of Akasha," the boy repeated. "The trial will be over if you do that. "
I swallowed down a thick lump of fear. "I don't suppose there's an alternative to this trial?"
He didn't answer.
"There never is," I muttered to myself, taking a deep breath as I tried to calm my frazzled nerves. A quick glance overhead confused me - where was my friendly little cloud that rained down destruction on those who angered me?
"Your Gift has no power here," the boy answered, just as if I had asked the question out loud. "I should add that there is a time limit to this trial. You have exactly two minutes. "
I opened my mouth to protest, but the sight of those three black figures standing next to the rocks dried up the complaint I was about to make. Dread and horror, sickening in their intensity, washed over me. It took some doing, but I managed to get my feet moving again.
"Let's reason this through," I told myself, my eyes fixed on the three still figures as I slowly approached them, my steps lagging noticeably as the seconds ticked by. "Given the premise that virtues exist, we must conclude that other people have passed these trials, thus they can't be lethal. "
"Only mortals must pass the trials," the boy called after me. "Immortals simply apply, and are interviewed for the positions. "
"Not helping!" I yelled back, my thoughts sour as I forced myself to take another step. The sense of dread increased with each footstep, swamping me with the knowledge that I was doomed, Theo was doomed, everyone I ever knew or loved was doomed. I wanted to sit down on the rocky ground and sob myself into insensitivity, that certain was I that it was all for nothing.
"Get a grip, Portia," I lectured myself, fighting with the bile that wanted to rise as I watched the three black figures getting closer. What I thought were three people standing in silhouette turned out to be partly correct - they were people-shaped silhouettes. . . but nothing more. They weren't people standing in shadow. They weren't darkened versions of people, with vaguely discernable features. No, the Hashmallim were just inky black voids, as if they were two-dimensional representations of people. They were all the more frightening for the impossibility of their appearance. "There are approximately twenty steps left. You can do it one step at a time. "
I took another six steps forward, then froze into place at the sure knowledge that I was going to my death. "No," I told myself, fighting down the mass of emotions that roiled inside me. "This can't be lethal. It's just an illusion, like so many other things. "
The things I'd believed to be illusions had turned out to be real, my mind argued with me, so why should this be any different?
"Time is passing. "
"Yeah, yeah. "
Ahead of me, the rocks with their three horrible figures loomed before me. The best offense is defense, right?
"You're not so bad," I yelled at the three presences. I wrapped my arms around my waist and made myself take several steps forward. "You may think you can frighten me to death, but I'm tougher than I look! So you can put that in your big, scary pipes and smoke it!"
The rocks loomed above me as I approached with dragging footsteps. I panted with the effort to keep from vomiting, my brain shrieking warnings about self-preservation. I ignored them, taking another couple of steps forward until just a few yards separated the rocks and the Hashmallim from me. They were vague, black shapes now, shifting in opacity and shape, occasional glimpses of haunted, pale faces flickering into view before melting into nothing.
I wanted to run as far away as possible. I wanted to cry and curl up into a fetal ball. I wanted it all to go away.
I wanted Theo.
The Hashmallim seemed to block the path through the stones.
"
What do I do now?" I yelled to the boy.
"Simply go through them to the center. "
"Simple, my ass," I grumbled to myself, desperately trying to keep my feet pointed toward the horrors in front of me. "There's nothing simple about this. I doubt if the word exists around here. "
I took another step forward. The nearest Hashmallim seemed to swell up, looming over me, drenching me in fear, loathing, terror, and a hundred other emotions that had me seriously wishing for death.
"I may have neglected to mention that only the pure of being can pass by the Hashmallim," the boy called to me, his voice thin and reedy on the increasing wind. "Those who are not pure. . . "
"Sweet sanity, he couldn't have mentioned that earlier?" I took a deep breath, my body racked with trembling so great that my teeth chattered as I yelled back, "What happens to them?"
"They do not leave. "
A thousand and one sins flashed before my eyes, things I'd done in my life of which I was not proud, starting with a favorite toy I refused to share with a childhood friend, and ending with the loss of Theo's soul. Was I now being called to account for them? The thought of remaining in that place for eternity was almost enough to bring me to my knees, but just as I was convinced I couldn't do it, that I couldn't pass by the three Hashmallim, an image of Theo came to my mind. Theo laughing at a silly joke, Theo's face tight with passion as he found his release, Theo sleepy and adorable and so endearing it made tears prick behind my eyes. If I failed, I'd never see him again.
Theo loved me. I knew he did; I felt it in the soft touches of his mind against mine. And what was more, at that moment I knew with the certainty that I knew the Greisen-Zatsepin-Kuzmin limit was 5 x 1019 electron volts that I loved Theo with every molecule in my body. Surely I couldn't love someone so deeply, so completely, so absolutely without having some redeeming qualities?
I lifted my chin and stiffened my back, holding my gaze firm on the nearest Hashmallim as I took the hardest step forward I'd ever taken. "I am not a bad person. I have done some things in my life that I regret, but I am not evil. I don't abuse animals or children. I don't steal, try not to lie, and only kill really nasty bugs that are attempting to sting me. In a world divided into shades of good and bad, I am a good. "
The Hashmallim didn't move as I forced my legs to move, closing my eyes as I brushed up against the edge of one of them. I fought to hold onto the knowledge that I was myself, a person with flaws and errors in judgment, but fundamentally good at heart.
The ground slipped out from under my feet, and I felt myself falling. I opened my eyes to stare unbelievingly at the grassy lawn of the Petitioner's Park as it zoomed up to meet me. The stone benches, the people standing around watching, Theo crouching on the ground over an inert body - they all rushed up to me until I realized I was actually plummeting down to the earth.
"Aieeeeeeeee," I screamed, my arms and legs flailing wildly.
Theo leaped back from the body on the ground as it disappeared, looking up toward me. I had a moment to see stark astonishment on his face.
"Catch me!" I yelled.
He leaped forward, his arms out.
I hit the ground a foot away from him, my fall somewhat broken by the soft lawn. It wasn't so soft that it cushioned me entirely, though. I lay facedown, spitting out bits of lawn, my head spinning, my chest aching, all the air having been slammed out of my lungs.
"Portia! Salus invenitur! Tell me you're all right!"
I lifted my head to glare at him, spitting out another mouthful of grass. "Exactly what part of 'catch me' wasn't clear to you?"
"Woman, you will be the death of me yet," he said, pulling me up to an embrace that would have broken the ribs of a lesser woman.
"I'm going to be the death of you?" I looked pointedly at the Portia-shaped faint indentation made on the lawn.
"I'm sorry," he said, his lips twitching as he hugged me again. I thought I'd lost you.
I'm not so easy to do in, I said, kissing him back when his lips found mine. Ow.
How badly are you hurt?
I doubt it's anything major. I wouldn't want to ravish you on the spot if it was, would I?
He chuckled in my mind. The desire is mutual, you know. What happened to you?
I ran into a couple Hashmallim.
You what?
"It would appear you have passed the fifth trial," Disin said as Theo helped me to my feet.
I brushed off bits of grass and dirt, straightening up slowly. Other than an ache in my chest and knees where I'd struck the ground, I seemed to be relatively unharmed, which was amazing considering the fall I'd taken. "So I gather. "
It was small of me, I know, but I found satisfaction in the fact that Disin looked nonplussed.
"This result is not what we anticipated," she continued. "We will discuss the ramifications. "
The three mare leaned together. Around us, the crowd was oddly hushed, the expressions on most of the faces present making it clear that few people had expected me to pass the fifth trial. I took satisfaction in their surprise, as well.
"What did the Hashmallim do to you?" Theo asked, brushing a strand of grass from my hair.
"Other than almost scaring the pee right out of me? Nothing. Oh, there was the fact that they returned me to the Court a good forty feet above the ground, but that point pales in relation to the fact that I didn't die from the drop. Why wasn't I more seriously injured? I'm not immortal yet, am I?"
"Not in so many words. You bear the gift of a virtue, though, so that makes you more or less an immortal candidate. You have a bit more stamina than you had before. "
"I'm not going to bicker about that," I said, pressing carefully on my ribs. Already the pain was diminishing.
"We have come to a decision," Disin said, gesturing toward me.
I took Theo's hand, my fingers twining through his.
"Child, come forward. " Irina, the white-haired mare, nodded at me.
Disin had her mouth open, as if she was about to speak, but she snapped her teeth closed at Irina's words.
Theo and I walked to the old woman.
"You are too tall. Sit. " She waved a hand gnarled by arthritis toward the grass at her feet.
We knelt before her. She took Theo's face in both her hands, peering intently into his eyes. I felt a jolt of surprise in him at her examination.
What is it? I asked.
Before he could answer, Irina nodded at Theo and released his face, only to take my chin in a surprisingly strong grip. She tilted my head back so she could look deep into my eyes.
The impact of her gaze on mine shook me to my toenails. If was as if she was seeing everything I was, stripping away all the layers of societal mores and pretenses, of protective layers, exposing my true core to her faded eyes.
"Child, you are lost," she said, still examining me. I felt like a squirming beetle pinned to a board. "Your path is hidden. You have much to do to find it, but I believe you will. You will be released to do just that. "
Irina released my chin, using both hands on her cane to push herself to her feet. I wobbled forward for a moment, almost dizzy with the relief of having the soul-stripping ended. Theo grabbed my arm, and pulled me up to my feet.
The other two mare stood as well.
"It is decided that the mortal known as Portia Harding will be released," Disin said in a loud voice, her eyes cold as she turned to me. "The Hashmallim have deemed your being pure, thus you will not be held. Your behavior in this place, however, is beyond tolerance. You are hereby banned from the Court of Divine Blood. "
A hundred whispered comments rippled the air behind us.
Thank them, Theo ordered.
"Thank you for your generosity," I said, trying hard to keep any trace of the sarcasm I felt from lacing my words. I turned to leave, but Disin stopped me.
"You may have passed the fifth trial, Portia Harding, but you have not satisfied us that you do not have some involvement in the death
of the virtue named Hope. "
"I haven't. . . " I shook my head, confused. "I don't understand. Doesn't passing the test prove I have a pure heart? How can I have a pure heart and have murdered Hope?"
Disin's lips tightened. "Even purity is subjective to interpretation. What we call a heartless murder, you may truly believe is for the better good. Thus, it is entirely possible that in your mind your heart is pure. "
"But. . . "
"If you did not kill Hope, the onus is upon you to prove who did," Disin interrupted. "Should you fail to do so by the new moon, you will be stripped of the Gift given to you, and banished from the Court forever. "
When's the new moon? I asked Theo, more than a little stunned by the mare's demand.
I'm not sure. A week, I think. Perhaps two.
Like we don't have enough to do, now we have to figure out what happened to Hope?
I'm afraid we're not going to have much of a choice.
"I am a physicist, not a detective," I told Disin. "Don't you people have some sort of a police force that would be better suited to investigate her death? Aren't those Hashmallim guys your security people?"
"If you are not responsible for her death, then you are in the best position to determine who did cause it," Disin said dismissively.
"But I have no experience finding murderers - "
"You summoned Hope and accepted her position. With that goes responsibility. "
I felt like screaming. Did no one else see the error in her logic? "I understand that, but it doesn't follow that I'll know how to find out who killed her. "
Portia, do not continue. It will do no good; they've made up their minds.
But I don't know the first thing about detecting!
Then we will learn. Thank the mare.
They're using me as a scapegoat, you know.
I know. But we have no choice.
He had a point.
"Thank you again for your generosity," I said, hoping that the sarcasm which laced my thoughts wasn't evident in my words.
Disin inclined her head, and left the park with the other two mare.
The officious little man who had started the hearing bustled up to us as the remaining crowd dispersed to their various destinations. "You must leave the Court now. I will escort you to the exit. "
"We can find our own way out - " I started to say.
"I will escort you," he said with a meaningful look in his eye.
We suffered his presence in silence as we walked through the cobblestoned streets to the wooden doorway that led back to the normal world. I stepped through the doorway, back to the small, unused office, and with my return, the weight of the world seemed to descend upon my shoulders.
"Now what do we do?" I asked, hopelessness welling within me.
Theo smiled and kissed the tips of my fingers on the hand he still held. "Now, sweetling, we find a murderer. "
"I don't know the first thing about solving a murder. . . " I smiled as a thought struck me. "But I know someone who used to write mysteries before she switched to romances. "