Read The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel Page 17
maternal instinct next to my art
as a modern dancer mother love is
the strongest thing in me
it is so strong that sometimes life seems to me
to be just one damned kitten
after another
but of course if i get back to broadway
without any kittens i will have more
freedom for my art
and can live my own life again
then she began to practice
dance steps among the cactus
casting fond eyes at a coyote
boss i am afraid
that mehitabels morals are no better
than before she struck hollywood
after all she remarked kittens
are but passing episodes in the life
of a great artist i may have been
given the bums rush from six auto camps
in three days but hells bells
i am still a lady
the loss of that kitten is a terrible grief
but an aristocrat and an artist
must bear up toujours gai
is my motto toujours gai
theres life in the old dame yet
and with that she cut a caper with
the heat at one hundred and forty
degrees fahrenheit
in new mexico where she is gadding about
artists shouldnt have offspring
A bulletin from Archy the Cockroach, who started out last July to hitch-hike from Hollywood to New York with Mehitabel the Cat and Mehitabel’s seven platinum-blonde kittens:
had a great break boss
got a ride on the running board of a car
and caught up with mehitabel
in new mexico where she is gadding about
with a coyote friend
i asked her where the kittens were
kittens said mehitabel kittens
with a puzzled look on her face
why goodness gracious i seem to remember
that i did have some kittens
i hope nothing terrible has happened
to the poor little things but if something has
i suppose they are better off
an artist like me shouldnt really
have offspring it handicaps her career
archy i want you to meet my boy friend
cowboy bill the coyote i call him
i am trying to get him to come to new york
with me and do a burlesque turn
isnt he handsome i said tactfully that he looked
very distinguished to me and all bill said
was nerts insect nerts
archy
could such things be
A bulletin from Archy, who, with Mehitabel the Cat, started out last July to hitch-hike from Hollywood to New York:
well boss here i am back in new york
i got a great break
after walking for months through arizona
i caught a ride on an airplane
and the first person i saw here was mehitabel
who had bummed her way
in a tourist trailer
she is living in shinbone alley
on second hand fish heads she drags away
from the east side markets
and she has some new kittens
they are the most peculiar kittens i ever saw
not the ones she left hollywood with
months ago or anything like them
there are five of these new ones
and they dont mew
they make a noise more like barking
i thought of that coyote she was so friendly with
in the southwest but i did not ask
any tactless questions
boss do you suppose such things could be
archy
trying to get milk
what does a trouper care
A bulletin from Archy, who started weeks ago hitch-hiking cross the country from California to New York, accompanied by Mehitabel and the seven platinum-blonde kittens she acquired in Hollywood:
still somewhere in arizona
sometime in october
sand storm struck us yesterday
i peeped out from under a rock
and saw mehitabel dancing
and singing as follows
ive got a rock in my eye
and a scorpion in my gizzard
but what does an artist care
for a bit of red hot blizzard
my feet are full of cactus
there are blisters in my hair
but howl storm howl
what does a trouper care
i got a thirst like a mummy
i got a desert chill
but cheerio my deario
theres a dance in the old dame still
two more of the kittens disappeared
well i got three left said mehitabel
poor little dears i am afraid
they will never reach broadway
unless they learn how to get milk
from the cactus plants damn them
their appetites are spoiling my figure
a lot of encouragement a dancer gets
from her family i must say
any other artist i know would tell them
to go wean themselves on alkali
and be done with them but my great weakness
is my maternal instinct
boss i made nearly a mile today
before the sand storm blew me back
i hear texas is a thousand miles across
archy
be damned mother dear
Mehitabel the Cat is still living in Shinbone Alley with the strange kittens which arrived shortly after Mehitabel’s arrival from the Southwest. Archy, the Cockroach, says … but let him tell it:
one of mehitabels kittens
licked a bull pup yesterday
and she is very proud
but hang them she says
i cant teach them to fight like cats
i told one of them yesterday
when i left home
i might bring him back
a pretty neck ribbon
if he was a good kitten
and he answered me in a strange voice
ribbon be damned mother dear
what i want is a brass collar
with spikes on it
and another one whom i had been
calling pussy says to me
pussy be damned mother dear
call me fido and another one
who got hold of a ball of catnip
complained it made him
sick at the stomach he says
catnip be damned mother dear
what i want is a bone to gnaw
what do you suppose makes them
act so strange archy
do you suppose i answered her
that prenatal influence
could have anything to do with it
perhaps that is it
she replied innocently
i seem to remember
that i was chased through
arizona and new mexico
by a coyote or did i dream it
i will say you were chased
i told her my advice
is to rent them out
to a dog and pony show
archy
the artist always pays
boss i visited mehitabel last night
at her home in shinbone alley
she sat on a heap of frozen refuse
with those strange new kittens she has
frolicking around her
and sang a little song at the cold moon
which went like this
i have had my ups i have had my downs
i never was nobodys pet
i got a limp in my left hind leg
but theres life in the old dame yet
my first boy friend was a maltese tom
quite handsomely constructed
i trusted him but the first thing i knew
i was practically abducted
then i took up with a persian prince
a cat by no means plain
and that exotic son of a gun
abducted me again
what chance has an innocent kitten got
with the background of a lady
when feline blighters betray her trust
in ways lowlifed and shady
my next boy friend was a yellow bum
who loafed down by the docks
i rustled that gonifs rats for him
and he paid me with hard knocks
i have had my ups i have had my downs
i have led a helluva life
it was all these abductions unsettled my mind
for being somebodys wife
today i am here tomorrow flung
on a scow bound down the bay
but wotthehell o wotthehell
i m a lady thats toujours gai
my next boy friend was a theater cat
a kind of a backstage pet
he taught me to dance and get me right
theres a dance in the old dame yet
my next boy friend he left me flat
with a family and no milk
and i says to him as i lifted his eye
i ll learn ye how to bilk
i have had my ups i have had my downs
i have been through the mill
but in spite of a hundred abductions kid
i am a lady still
my next friend wore a ribbon and bells
but he laughed and left me broke
and i said as i sliced him into scraps
laugh off this little joke
some day my guts will be fiddle strings
but my ghost will dance while they play
for they cant take the pep from the old girls soul
and i am toujours gai
my heart has been broken a thousand times
i have had my downs and ups
but the queerest thing ever happened to me
is these kittens as turned out pups
o wotthehell o toujours gai
i never had time to fret
i danced to whatever tune was played
and theres life in the old dame yet
i have had my ups i have had my downs
i have been through the mill
but i said when i clawed that coyotes face
thank god i am a lady still
and then she added looking at those
extraordinary kittens of hers
archy i wish you would
take a little trip up to the zoo
and see if they have any department there
for odd sizes and new species
i got to find a home
for these damned freaks somewhere
poor little things my heart bleeds for them
it agonizes my maternal instinct
one way or another an artist always pays
archy
yours for rum crime and riot archy
a word from little archibald
thank you
for the mittens
socks and
muffler for me
knitted out of
frogs hair by one
of my admirers which
you so kindly
forwarded i suppose
the reason
i got them was that
they were too
small for you
to wear yourself
yours for rum
crime and riot
archy
archy does his part
the kings of babylon are covered with fleas
prophecies
the papers are full of the prophecies
of preachers professors and laymen
to the effect that this human civilization
is on the way out
and it looks to an insect such as i
very possible
the only thing i wonder about
is why the human species calls it a civilization
human society has never been
as well organized as a hill of ants
or a hive of bees
and all the ancient sites of civilization
are now in the possession of insects
who are far superior in organization
and in their ethical practices
spiders bite the mummified feet
of the pharaohs of egypt
and the kings of babylon are covered with fleas
which they are too defunct to feel
archy the cockroach
repeal
we have had repeal for some months now
and a lot of devoted patriots
have been trying with all their might
to drink the country back into prosperity
and it may have made some improvement
but i have the feeling that something else
will have to be done as well
i am ashamed to say that i dont
feel any surer of what it is
that has to be done
than the economists and financiers
and other experts and wizards who are
at the present moment not doing it
but i do have the feeling that if the people
of the whole world were let alone
and there were no trade restrictions of any sort
or artificial barriers
put between them by their governments
they would speedily find the answer
archy the cockroach
the ballyhoo
every time a european dictator
gets at the end of his string
and cant think of any other ballyhoo
to attract the attention of the people
he begins another attack on the jews
centuries of persecution
have so hardened and sharpened the jew
that he survives his persecutors
and outsteps them and outthinks them
if these guys were smart
they would give the jews a chance
to disintegrate through luxury and ease
instead of which they toughen
the hebraic moral fibre
through the ages and they will wind up
by making the jews in the end
what they were said to be
that is the chosen people
archy the cockroach
the league
if the league of nations
can survive the mutual animosities
of the powers which belong to it
it is safe from the activities
of the countries which stayed outside of it
it furnishes a wonderful mechanism
with which to do what the powers
want to do if they only knew
what they wanted to do
incidentally i wonder why europe of today
is always referred to by highbrow writers
as post war europe
they seem to think that the war
which started in nineteen fourteen
is over with whereas there have been
merely a few brief truces
that war is merely worrying through
its first half century
and will only cease permanently
when a generation comes along
which has forgotten all the old feuds
archy the cockroach
conferences
diplomatists and ambassadors
are rushing hither and yon
from country to country around the world
by train steamer and airplane
by which i judge that there is more trouble
in store for the human species
for i have noticed that conferences
to establish international good will
always break up with anot
her row
there is no hope for the world
unless politicians of all sorts
are completely abolished
you cannot get a millennium by
laying a whole lot of five year plans
end to end if governments would just let people alone