Read The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel Page 6

  these terrible

  conflicts are always

  presenting themselves

  to the artist

  the eternal struggle

  between art and life archy

  is something fierce

  yes something fierce

  my what a dramatic

  life i have lived

  one moment up the next

  moment down again

  but always gay archy always gay

  and always the lady too

  in spite of hell

  well boss it will

  be interesting to note

  just how mehitabel

  works out her present problem

  a dark mystery still broods

  over the manner

  in which the former

  we had a heavy rain

  family of three kittens

  disappeared

  one day she was talking to me

  of the kittens

  and the next day when i asked

  her about them

  she said innocently

  what kittens

  interrogation point

  and that was all

  i could ever get out

  of her on the subject

  we had a heavy rain

  right after she spoke to me

  but probably that garbage can

  leaks and so the kittens

  have not yet

  been drowned

  archy

  archy is shocked

  speaking of shocking things

  as so many people are these days

  i noted an incident

  in a subway train recently

  that made my blood run cold

  a dignified looking

  gentleman with a long

  brown beard

  in an absent minded manner

  suddenly reached up and

  pulled his own left eye

  from the socket and ate it

  the consternation in the car

  may be imagined

  people drew away from him

  on all sides women screamed and

  fainted in a moment every one

  but the guard and myself

  were huddled in the end of the car

  looking at the dignified

  gentleman with terror

  the guard was sweating

  with excitement but he stood

  his ground sir said the guard

  you cannot intimidate me

  nor can you mystify me

  i am a wise boid

  you sir are a glass eater

  and that was a glass eye

  to the devil with a country

  where people can t mind their own

  business said the dignified

  gentleman i am not a glass eater

  if you must know and that was not

  a glass eye it was a pickled onion

  can not a man eat pickled

  onions in this community

  without exciting remark

  the curse of this nation

  is the number of meddlesome

  matties

  who are forever attempting

  to restrict the liberty

  of the individual i suppose

  the next thing will be a law

  on the statute books prohibiting

  the consumption of pickled onions

  and with another curse

  he passed from the train

  which had just then drawn up

  beside

  a station and went out

  of my life forever

  archy

  archy creates a situation

  whoever owns the typewriter

  that this is sticking in will confer

  a favor by mailing it to

  mister marquis

  well boss i am somewhere in long

  island and i know now how

  it got its name i

  started out to find the

  place you are commuting from and

  after considerable trouble and being for some

  days on the way i have lost myself but

  at twilight last evening i

  happened to glance towards a lighted

  window in a house near the railway and

  i saw a young woman writing on a typewriter i

  waited until the light was out and crawled

  up the side of the house and through a

  hole in the screen fortunately there was a

  piece of paper in the machine it was my only

  chance to communicate with you and ask

  you to hurry a relief party when

  the house got quiet i began to write

  the foregoing a moment ago i was

  interrupted by a woman s voice what

  was that noise she said nothing at all

  said a man s voice you are always

  hearing things at night but it

  sounded as if my typewriter were clicking she

  insisted go to sleep said he then

  i clicked it some more henry get up she said

  there s some one in the house a moment

  later the light was turned on and

  they both stood in the doorway of the room now

  are you satisfied he said you

  see there is no one in here at

  all i was hiding in the shadow under the

  keys they went back into

  their bed room and i began to write

  the foregoing lines

  henry henry she said do you hear that

  i do he says it is nothing but the

  house cooling off it always cracks that way

  cooling off nothing she said not a

  hot night like this then said henry it

  is cracking with the heat i tell you

  she said that is the typewriter clicking well

  he said you saw for yourself the room was

  empty and the door was locked it can t

  be the typewriter to prove it to you

  i will bring it in here he did so the

  machine was set down

  in the moonlight which came in one of

  the windows with the key side in the

  shadow there he said look at it and see

  for yourself it is not being operated by any one

  just then i began to write the foregoing

  lines hopping from key

  to key in the shadow and being anxious

  to finish my

  god my god cried henry losing his nerve

  the machine is writing all by itself it

  is a ghost and threw himself face

  downward on the bed and hid his face in the

  pillow and kept on saying my god my

  god it is a ghost and the woman screamed

  and said it is

  tom higginbotham s ghost that s whose ghost

  it is oh i know whose

  ghost it is my conscience tells me i

  jilted him when we were studying

  stenography together

  at the business college and he went into

  a decline and died and i have always

  known in my heart that he

  died of unrequited love o what a

  wicked girl i was and he has come

  back to haunt me

  i have brought a curse upon you henry chase

  him away says henry trembling so the bed

  shook chase him away mable you coward you

  chase him away yourself says mable and both

  lay and recriminated and recriminated

  with their heads under the covers hot

  night though it was while i wrote

  the foregoing lines but after

  a while it came out henry had a

  stenographer on his conscience too and

  they got into a row and got so

  mad they forgot to be scared i will

  close now this house is easily
seen from the

  railroad station and the woman sits in

  the window and writes i will be behind the waste

  paper receptacle outside the station door

  come and get me i am foot sore and weary

  they are still quarreling as i

  close i can do no less than

  say thank you mable and henry in

  advance for mailing this

  archy

  there s a dance in the old dame yet

  mehitabel sings a song

  well boss mehitabel the cat

  has been wooing

  the muse no pun please

  and i am privileged

  to present her song just

  as she sang it to

  several of her dubious

  feline friends in the alley

  last night as follows

  there s a dance or two

  in the old dame yet

  believe me you

  there s a dance or two

  before i m through

  you get me pet

  there s a dance or two

  in the old dame yet

  life s too dam funny

  for me to explain

  it s kicks or money

  life s too dam funny

  it s one day sunny

  the next day rain

  life s too dam funny

  for me to explain

  but toujours gai

  is my motto kid

  the devil s to pay

  but toujours gai

  and once in a way

  let s lift the lid

  but toujours gai

  is my motto kid

  thank god i m a lady

  and class will tell

  you hear me sadie

  thank god i m a lady

  my past is shady

  but wotthehell

  thank god i m a lady

  and class will tell

  a gentleman friend

  i met t other day

  coaxed me to amend

  a gentleman friend

  you meet on a bend

  is often that way

  a gentleman friend

  i met t other day

  i says to him dearie

  i live my own life

  of marriage i m leery

  i says to him dearie

  if you wasn t beery

  you wouldn t say wife

  i says to him dearie

  i live my own life

  i says to him bertie

  i ll end down the bay

  the garbage scow s dirty

  i says to him bertie

  but me here and gertie

  is both on our way

  i says to him bertie

  i ll end down the bay

  i never sing blue

  wotthehell bill

  believe me you

  i never sing blue

  there s a dance or two

  in the old dame still

  i never sing blue

  wotthehell bill

  it appears to me boss

  that mehitabel is still far

  from being the quiet

  domestic character you and i

  had hoped she might become

  archy

  and piously he said a grace

  aesop revised by archy

  a wolf met a spring

  lamb drinking

  at a stream

  and said to her

  you are the lamb

  that muddied this stream

  all last year

  so that i could not get

  a clean fresh drink

  i am resolved that

  this outrage

  shall not be enacted again

  this season

  i am going to kill you

  just a moment

  said the lamb

  i was not born last

  year so it could not

  have been i

  the wolf then pulled

  a number of other

  arguments as to why the lamb

  should die

  but in each case the lamb

  pretty innocent that she was

  easily proved

  herself guiltless

  well well said the wolf

  enough of argument

  you are right and i am wrong

  but i am going to eat

  you anyhow

  because i am hungry

  stop exclamation point

  cried a human voice

  and a man came over

  the slope of the ravine

  vile lupine marauder

  you shall not kill that

  beautiful and innocent

  lamb for i shall save her

  exit the wolf

  left upper entrance

  snarling

  poor little lamb

  continued our human hero

  sweet tender little thing

  it is well that i appeared

  just when i did

  it makes my blood boil

  to think of the fright

  to which you have been

  subjected in another

  moment i would have been

  too late come home with me

  and the lamb frolicked

  about her new found friend

  gamboling as to the sound

  of a wordsworthian tabor

  and leaping for joy

  as if propelled by a stanza

  from william blake

  these vile and bloody wolves

  went on our hero

  in honest indignation

  they must be cleared out

  of the country

  the meads must be made safe

  for sheepocracy

  and so jollying her along

  with the usual human hokum

  he led her to his home

  and the son of a gun

  did not even blush when

  they passed the mint bed

  gently he cut her throat

  all the while inveighing

  against the inhuman wolf

  and tenderly he cooked her

  and lovingly he sauced her

  and meltingly he ate her

  and piously he said a grace

  thanking his gods

  for their bountiful gifts to him

  and after dinner

  he sat with his pipe

  before the fire meditating

  on the brutality of wolves

  and the injustice of

  the universe

  which allows them to harry

  poor innocent lambs

  and wondering if he

  had not better

  write to the papers

  for as he said

  for god s sake can t

  something be done about it

  archy

  cheerio, my deario

  well boss i met

  mehitabel the cat

  trying to dig a

  frozen lamb chop

  out of a snow

  drift the other day

  a heluva comedown

  that is for me archy

  she says a few

  brief centuries

  ago one of old

  king

  tut

  ankh

  amen s favorite

  queens and today

  the village scavenger

  but wotthehell

  archy wotthehell

  it s cheerio

  my deario that

  pulls a lady through

  see here mehitabel

  i said i thought

  you told me that

  it was cleopatra

  you used to be

  before you

  transmigrated into

  the carcase of a cat

  where do you get

  this tut

  ankh

  amen stuff

  question mark

  i was several


  ladies my little

  insect says she

  being cleopatra was

  only an incident

  in my career

  and i was always getting

  the rough end of it

  always being

  misunderstood by some

  strait laced

  prune faced bunch

  of prissy mouthed

  sisters of uncharity

  the things that

  have been said

  about me archy

  exclamation point

  and all simply

  because i was a

  live dame

  the palaces i have

  been kicked out of

  in my time

  exclamation point

  but wotthehell

  little archy wot

  thehell

  it s cheerio

  my deario

  that pulls a

  lady through

  exclamation point

  framed archy always

  framed that is the

  story of all my lives

  no chance for a dame

  with the anvil chorus

  if she shows a little

  motion it seems to

  me only yesterday

  that the luxor local

  number one of

  the ladies axe

  association got me in

  dutch with king tut and

  he slipped me the

  sarcophagus always my

  luck yesterday an empress

  and today too

  emaciated to interest

  a vivisectionist but

  toujours gai archy

  toujours gai and always

  a lady in spite of hell

  and transmigration

  once a queen

  always a queen

  archy

  period

  one of her

  feet was frozen

  but on the other three

  she began to caper and

  dance singing its

  cheerio my deario

  that pulls a lady

  through her morals may

  have been mislaid somewhere

  in the centuries boss but

  i admire her spirit

  archy

  the lesson of the moth

  i was talking to a moth

  the other evening

  he was trying to break into

  an electric light bulb

  and fry himself on the wires

  why do you fellows

  pull this stunt i asked him

  because it is the conventional

  thing for moths or why

  if that had been an uncovered

  candle instead of an electric

  light bulb you would

  now be a small unsightly cinder

  have you no sense

  plenty of it he answered

  but at times we get tired

  of using it