this was the first holiday our whole family wasn't together. Lucy was spending thanksgiving with her fiancé's family in Boston.
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Mom wiped the sweat off her brow. "I know she'll be spending a whole week at Christmas, but that's going to be spent getting ready for the wedding . . ."
Rita entered the room in jeans and a t-shirt.
"Girls, change right this instant!"
As we walked upstairs Rita asked, "What did I miss?" I just shook my head. Happy thanksgiving to me. Rita could tell that I was a nervous wreck.
"Penny, it's going to be fine!' she said. "You've got to be the bigger person. You don't want him to have any power."
The Taylor's were going to arrive in less than an hour, and I still had no idea what I was going to say to Nate. to be honest, I didn't even know what I was going to feel like when I saw him. Angry? Sad? E-mails and texts were one thing, but what would I feel when I looked in his eyes? that was going to reveal a lot. I just hoped I would be able to stay strong. He wasn't going to get to me. I had moved on.
I went to my room and found the white halter top Diane had lent me after Homecoming, when she told me that I needed to accentuate "what your mama gave you." So I put that on with black-and-white pinstripe pants and black heels. I headed downstairs thinking that I looked a lot better . . . maybe a little too good for my father,
"Uh, is that top new, Penny Lane?" Dad aid, as he nervously looked at my outfit
"Oh, Dave, relax," Mom said "She's filled out nicely."
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the doorbell rang, and I tried to take a few deep breaths. Rita grabbed my hand and whispered, "Don't let him win."
Win? What was there to win? the door opened and there was an explosion of activity -- my parents embracing Mr. and Mrs. Taylor and exchanges of cheerful greetings.
Mrs. Taylor turned to me. "Oh, Penny, look at you!" She hugged me tightly. "Oh, sweetie, you look fantastic." She let go of me and I turned around.
And there he was. With a look on his face -- I couldn't tell whether it was shy or smug.
"Hey, Penny."
I opened my mouth and tried to say something, anything. But it was hard. I thought about what Diane had said about Ryan being in her life for so long. Here was Nate in front of me, Nate whom I had always known. I thought that maybe my last memory of him would drown out the others, but they didn't. Seeing each other was such a routine, and even though we'd always say "Hey, Penny" and "Hey, Nate "like it was no big deal, we usually said it like we shared a secret between us. Because we did. And now it was bigger than before.
I hated seeing him. I hated him being here. Because I hated what I was feeling. As much as I wanted to scream and run away, I could hardly breathe. I felt the same excitement that I would always feel when I saw him.
this was going to be harder than I had ever imagined.
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"Here." Rita shoved the Taylors' coats in my arms. "Penny will hang these up."
I gave Rita a grateful look as I darted to the closet. I spent more time than necessary hanging up the coats. the entire time I sensed Nate's eyes on my back. And I enjoyed it.
"So, what can I get you to drink?" I asked the second the last of the jackets was on a hanger.
"I've got it, sweetie." Dad began to take drink orders.
"No, Dad!' Rita protested. "Let me and Penny help."
I turned to head to the kitchen, when I felt a tug on my arm.
"Penny," Nate said as he enveloped me in a hug. "I missed you so much."
"Aww," Nate's mom cooed. "He's been talking about nothing but seeing you again, sweetie."
I just stood there with Nate's arms around me.
"Come on, Penny." Rita came over and Nate quickly loosened his grasp. "We've got to go to the kitchen." She turned to Nate. "You know, the room with all the sharp knives."
As he backed away, I examined him for the first time since he'd completely crushed me. And it was strange, because he wasn't the same as my memory of him. Had I not noticed before how flat his face was? And he had these tiny pale, lifeless eyes.
I was starting to breathe a little easier.
I hung out in the kitchen with Rita and Mom, helping to get ready while Mrs, Taylor grilled us with questions about school. Fortunately, the guys were downstairs watching the
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football game. it was the first time that this sexist tradition didn't bother me.
I went into the dining room to pour water in the glasses and noticed that Mom had put me right next to Nate. there was no way I would be able to avoid a conversation with him.
there wasn't enough time to switch places -- everyone was already coming in for dinner. As I grabbed a plate, I realized that Mom had certainly outdone herself this year with food, I could hardly fit everything on my plate the first go-round, although I did skip the cranberry sauce as I was afraid it would stain my shirt. the cranberry sauce and the to furkey. My parents weren't going to let tradition get in the way of their beliefs, so I'd gotten used to filling myself up on salad, mashed potatoes, wild rice, and sweet potatoes.
Nate followed me in line at the counter. He reached across me to grab a roll, then placed his other hand on the bare part of my back and moved his thumb back and forth. I stayed there, unable to move,
"I missed you," he murmured.
For a moment, I almost whispered back I missed you too. I was so used to this exchange between us. this time, I tried to refuse it. I'd spent months blocking out his touch, his words. I knew where this always led for him.
I couldn't force myself to look at him. I just walked back to the table.
Then, as we sat down, Nate took a long look at my chest.
And I thought, Watt a second.
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Mr. Taylor turned to me. "So, Penny, what's this Club of yours I keep hearing about?"
I almost choked on my mashed potatoes. How did he know about it?
Mrs. Taylor chimed in next. "Yes, your mother sent us the link to the article in the school paper." if Mom thought I was going to help her with the dishes, she had another thing coming. "It sounds like so much fun. I wish I had had something like that when I was your age!"
That meant Nate knew about the Club. I couldn't bear to look at his reaction. Instead, I smiled and cheerfully replied, "Yes, it's so much fun!"
I could feel my hand start to shake, I looked at Rita, who was giving me an encouraging smile.
"It's really great," she said, glaring at Nate. "Especially since you wouldn't believe the complete losers who've asked Penny out. She's much better off"
Mr. Taylor smiled and nodded. "Well, that's just great, Penny." the conversation shifted to politics. I couldn't resist looking at Nate. He was shoving food into his mouth. A speck of to furkey dangled from his chin.
This was the guy that I would dream about every summer? This was the guy who broke my heart? Him?
After dinner and dishes, I went upstairs to my room to call Tracy. Before I could dial, Nate knocked on my door and asked to come in.
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the thought of being alone with him made me a little sick, but I figured I couldn't keep ignoring him any longer.
He sat down on the corner of my bed. "Come here," he said, tapping the place next to him,
"No, thank you." I stayed at my desk.
Nate got up, "Aw, come on, Penny. I meant every word in my e-mails. You can't still be mad at me, can you?" He came over and placed his hands on my shoulders.
It used to be that his touch was all I wanted. it used to be that I would've happily spelled out my life in moments like this -- the two of us alone together, the two of us in secret. it used to be that my unwritten boyfriend list had only one name on it. it used to be that my love for him could make him beautiful no matter how he acted, no matter what he did.
"Tell me what I can do to make it better," he whispered, leaning in to rub my shoulders.
"Well," I said, "you can start by getting your hands off me."
> He kept going. "You used to like it when I did this."
I stood up and pushed him away from me. "Yeah, I used to like a lot of stupid things."
He looked genuinely hurt. "Don't say that, Penny. I know things didn't end well with us, but it wasn't all that bad."
"You have got to be kidding me," I didn't even bother controlling my voice,
I heard loud footsteps on the stairs, and in a few seconds Rita was in my room. "So help me, jerkwad -- get away from my sister."
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I turned toward Rita. "Actually, Rita, close the door." She put her hand on the door. "No, I mean, leave." Rita closed the door behind her.
Nate looked triumphant. "See, this is more like it." He crossed the room, but I held out my hand.
"Stop,"
"Why do you always have to be such a tease?" He winked at me.
I felt hotness rise in my face. I was trying to do everything I possibly could to not punch him.
"How can you stand there and think that after everything you did to me that I would just forgive you? A few e-mails and funny texts aren't going to change that."
Something came over Nate then. This strange calm, as if the answer was the most obvious one in the world, at least to him.
"I figured you'd forgive me because I love you," he said.
And he believed it. He was a fake, a cheat, a liar, a scum. But at that very moment, I couldn't sense any faking, cheating, lying, or scumming. He truly believed it, if only for the second he needed it to be true,
"Nate," I said, "you're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to say that. You lied to me."
I could start to taste bile in my throat,
"Nate, you lied to me."
"I told you what you wanted to hear," he said, regaining his defensiveness.
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"Well, did you think that maybe what I wanted to hear was the truth?"
I could see what was happening. the minute I challenged him, that "I love you" was gone. "You know what, Pen. No, I didn't think that, because you didn't want to hear the truth. You built up some stupid fairy tale about us since we were little, so yeah, I id what I thought you wanted."
"You used me,"
Nate threw his hands up. "It's not like I got very far!"
My body started to shake. "You got far enough."
"Whatever, I think you at least owe me a thank-you."
"What?" I must have heard him wrong.
A smile spread across his face. "The Lonely Hearts Club? You obviously started it because of me."
My mouth practically dropped to the floor. He thought that I should thank him.
"Aw, come on -- you needed to get over me, so you started the club. to be honest, I'm a little flattered, babe."
I looked at him in complete shock.
I tried to remember what Rita had said about being a bigger person. I could either calmly tell him that he was mistaken or let him have it. I could be the bigger person or I could belike any normal sixteen-year-old.
Like there really was a choice.
"First off, you ever call me a babe again and no medical team on earth will be able to tell that you were once a guy."
I was only sixteen after all.
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the smile quickly vanished from his face.
"Seriously, I don't know what I ever saw in you. You're a completely selfish human being. Not only that, you're not nearly as good-looking as you think you are and add as much to a conversation as a bag of rocks. I believe in people learning from mistakes, and let me tell you something -- you were a huge mistake.
"Not only am I never going to make a mistake like that again, I'm never going to have to put up with you again."
I went over to where he was sitting and got in his face.
"You're going to get a job next summer back at home and stay with someone there. You're not going to spend any more summers with us. Do you understand?"
"You can't make me do anything." He crossed his arms.
"Oh, really? Okay, fine." I grabbed his arm. "Were going downstairs and we're going to tell my mother exactly everything that happened this summer -- and I mean everything"
Nate stopped in his tracks.
"Come on, Nate -- you don't think you did anything wrong, so what's the big deal? I think my mom would love to hear what you did to me, especially since you were doing a whole lot more with a bunch of other people at the same time. God, maybe I'll get lucky and be able to be there when my mom tells your mom about it. Honestly, I'm sick of keeping it a secret from them. True, my mom will be disappointed in me for my poor choices and for giving in to a pig, but for some reason, I think she'll have a few more . .. ah, words for you."
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Nate removed my grip from his arm. "Penny, stop it."
"Stop what? You can't possibly be scared of my mother?"
I couldn't believe I was able to say that with a straight face.
"You know what!' I went on. "Something good did come from this summer. I deserve so much better than you. I always have. So I guess I should thank you for being a complete and utter jerk so I would wake up and see what I'm worth. But in the end, the people who matter the most to me are my friends, not someone like you. You mean absolutely nothing to me. Yes, in a way your actions are responsible for the Club, which is the best thing that ever happened to me. But I owe you nothing."
I turned around and started to leave my room, but had a second thought.
"And, Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to push the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy thanksgiving, Jackass."
All right, I am going to be a bigger person starting right now.
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chapter Thirty one
'No YOU DIDN'T!" TRACY WAS screaming on the phone after I gave her the details.
"Can you believe it? I think I may have gone a little overboard in the end, but I just feel this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders." I was lying in bed with my pajamas on, feeling so giddy the Taylor's had left, and Rita had brought me a big piece of pumpkin pie before heading out for the evening. Life was grand,
"Seriously next meeting I want you to do a complete reenactment for the Club. I'll be more than happy to play the part of Nate. I'll just grunt a lot and shove food in my face. Priceless! Who else knows?"
"Just you and Rita. She thinks I'm a goddess!"
"You have got to call the Club. Everybody's dying to know what happened."
"I will -- t just can't believe that seeing him was a good thing; I don't know what I was thinking. He changed so much."
"Penny it wasn't Nate who changed, it was you. You know that I've never liked him. I always told you that you could do better, but you didn't listen and now you know the truth. Pretty sweet, huh?"
Very sweet indeed.
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I fell into bed exhausted after calling Diane, Jen, Amy, and Morgan.
I had done it. I had stood up to Nate.
I went over to my desk and picked up my old journal and went to the last entry. the one that had broken my heart so many times in the past. I ran my finger along the indentations the pen left. there was so much pain in those words. But now I knew that everything would be okay.
I grabbed a pen off my desk and wrote below my "Yesterday" entry. I wasn't rewriting history, I was just reminding myself that I could get over heartbreak if it happened another time.
. . . I'll he back again.
Yes, I would be back. I could take chances with my heart and I would be able to bounce back, and anything that might hurt me would just make me stronger in the end.
And I did deserve everything I wanted -- somebody who would appreciate me, someone I could trust, someone who liked me for me.
My heart sank as I thought of Ryan.
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chapter Thirty two
"NOW, PENNY LANE, THIS IS our little secret, pinky swear." Dad held out his pinky and I locked mine with his. "Your mother w
ould kill me if she knew we did this with all of the leftovers still in the house."
Dad and I were on our own for Saturday dinner, and neither of us had been able to stand looking at the leftover to furkey... so we'd thrown it down the garbage disposal. Mom was never going to buy the story that I'd helped him finish it off.
"So what's the Club up to tonight?" Dad asked.
"Were going to catch a movie so you guys don't have to worry about a zillion screaming girls in the house."
Dad smiled. "Well, that's a relief. No karaoke planning?"
Ugh, that was the purpose of us going to a movie -- to try to distract Jen from the following weekend's party. She had been totally stressing out. Not only had I promised to sing a solo, I had also agreed to lead the Club in a rendition of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." the phone rang and Dad went over and picked it up. "Oh, hello, Ryan!' he said after listening for a moment.
It cant be . . ,
I looked over and saw that my dad's forehead was creasing.
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"No, no, you did the right thing. I'll be in my office in five minutes. Meet me there."
Medical emergency. "Is everything all right?"
"No, actually that was Ryan Bauer -- his sister fell and hit her mouth against a table and is bleeding. I need to get over to the office," He grabbed his jacket. "Actually, Penny Lane, can you come with me? I might need an extra set of hands."
"Umm..."
"Plus," he added, "Ryan seems a little shaken up. it might be good for him to have a friend there."
Before I could protest, Dad threw my jacket at me and was out the door.
Ryan was waiting for us when we pulled up. He was holding his eight-year-old stepsister, Katie, in his arms, her long black hair covering her face. Dad ran over to him and reached out to touch Katie's head. "Sweetie," he told her, "its going to be okay." He handed me his keys. "Penny Lane, open up the office, get the lights on in my exam room, turn everything on, and get a clean set of instruments." Ryan looked at me, noticing that I was with my father, and I saw that his eyes were filled with panic.