I summoned myself out of the void.
I am a hologram.
I am the victim of a terrible practical joke.
All of these theories are flawed. Must find more clues.
Later
Took in some night air with the cats, and then later, walking back to my alley, who should I run into but (Very) Regular Customer Curls, on one of his short trips outside the El Dungeon. It better be said up front that Curls, first of all, thinks he is much more important and popular than he actually is. Also, even though he is probably only a couple years older than I am, he doesn’t seem to spend much time at school, or at home for that matter, since he’s putting in around twenty-seven hours a day at the El Dungeon. And he pesters Ümlaut’s pack as much as they’ll let him. Clear case of social climbing. You can tell by the complicated shirts, and how he’s trying out conversational gambits on you all the time.
the extremely…hip Curls! (Ugh)
(VERY) REGULAR
CUSTOMER CURLS:
Fancy meeting you here.
ME:
Curls.
(V)RCC:
Isn’t it late for a missy without a sleeve to her name? What IS your name, anyway? Cockroach, right? No—Silverfish?
ME:
Earwig.
(V)RCC:
A ha haha ha! Sounds like a good nickname for RAVEN, with those ears of hers, and that wig…So, I heard you don’t remember a thing past three days ago?
ME:
[Turning and walking away.] Ugh. Later.
(V)RCC:
Speaking of nicknames, Curls is a really stupid one. I prefer Ripper.
Day 5
Slept late and nearly missed the daylight completely. Huh, no big loss if you ask me. Unfortunately I did not sleep late enough to miss the chief of police, who came by to see if the Ümlaut posse had any heavy stacks of cash they needed taken off their hands. And like a good, efficient defender of the public peace, he took the opportunity to threaten me with a $123 ticket for unlicensed slingshot use.
I held out my innocent, empty hands. Raven gaped at us with her mouth open. Even Ümlaut and his crew halted their game of Calamity Poker to stare. “Slingshot?” I said. “I don’t have a slingshot.”
The chief looked at Ümlaut, who just looked confused. “Errrrm…I don’t see a slingshot, Chief,” he finally managed to say. Then the two of them got into a long discussion of the town ordinances being violated today by the medicine show and how much it was going to cost.
I left them to it, and hid in the fridge box.
Later
A baby dog is a puppy. A baby kangaroo is a joey. A baby eel is an elver. A baby cat is a…lemon. A baby cat is a…pimple. A baby cat is a…mitten.
An adorable baby…pickle??
Am very frustrated.
Later
Questions:
How come the police are letting me camp out in a refrigerator box in the alley instead of offering me a place to stay indoors, or something?
Why is RAVEN just letting me camp out in a refrigerator box in the alley? And by the way, where and when does SHE sleep?
Does she look familiar or do I just want to think that?
Is she actually dull in the brain or do I just want to think that?
What DID happen to Rachel, former employee of the El Dungeon? Did she quit, was she fired, did she move away, did she just disappear? Or something…worse?
How’d I get those suspicious bruises on my arm?
How long does a medicine, gun, and doll show stick around a small town, usually?
Is their medicine as poisonous as it tastes?
How did Miles lose his collar, and where’s his owner?
What if I still have amnesia a year from now? Or…20 years from now?
Will I ever forgive my family for not coming to my rescue?
[Insert 1300 other questions I could ask about my family, myself, and my former life.]
Is it silly of me to think I’ll figure this out by following “clues” when I haven’t figured out a single thing in 5 days?
Later
Still no leads on my identity. Instead I am using my brainpower trying to figure out how Calamity Poker is played. After watching the Ümlaut crew play forty-odd games, I think I know the basic rules of gameplay. The person with the highest social rank (i.e., Ümlaut) is always the Dealer. The Dealer chooses everyone else’s position at the table. The more the Dealer likes you, the closer you get to sit to him. The two players sitting the farthest from the Dealer (called the Beast and the Maiden) put money in the pot before the cards are dealt. Every player gets two cards face down. These are called the Ballroom Cards. Players who have recently offended the Dealer usually get their Ballroom Cards “accidentally” face up. In between rounds of betting, the Dealer puts three community cards (called the Knife, the Rope, and the Candlestick) face up on the table.
Instead of being ranked, all hands have a point value, which usually has to be argued about for a long time at high volume before anything is decided. Cards can have different point values according to the day of the week, combination with other cards in the same hand, or phase of the moon. The Dealer makes the final decision on the value of each player’s hand. If two (or more) players have hands of the same value, those players go into a Challenge Round—usually a choice between Games of Chance; Embarrassing Truth; or Feats of Strength, Skill, and Endurance. And all Challenge Rounds are overseen and judged by the Dealer.
Calamity Poker in progress!
I’ve also noticed that bets under $500 are rare, and always laughed at. Man, how much money is that medicine show bringing in?
I should probably admit that the Ümlaut crew is turning out to be more entertaining than annoying, and I guess I could be wrong about Ümlaut being Raven’s enemy. Maybe he’s just more interesting that way. Seems like, in all the books and movies, whenever you have a rundown (but lovable) café frequented by a bunch of pathetic (but lovable) underdogs, then obviously the rich, obnoxious, fashionable out-of-towners who spend all their spare time there, drinking coffee and breaking furniture and, I don’t know, secretly planning to buy it, bulldoze it, and turn it into a strip mall, have to be the enemy. Except in this case, I don’t know if the café or the underdogs who come here are lovable. Or if there’s really any problem with the Ümlauts spending their money breaking and replacing the El Dungeon’s furniture. It’s definitely not my concern why Raven tolerates them hanging out here. Actually, I think Raven, being Raven, would tolerate a lot of things even worse than Ümlaut. I could picture her, for example, putting up with a colony of plague rats nesting in her wig, without much of a fuss.
Also: I think it’s peculiar that I seem to know something about “all the books and movies” when I can’t actually remember any specific books or movies. And another thing: I keep getting this feeling that there’s a song that really relates to my situation—being a stranger, even to myself, and thinking everyone around me is strange—but I don’t remember a single actual song I may ever have known. Not even the one you sing to someone whose birthday it is.
Clearly my mind is very odd!!!
Later
More intrigue at the El Dungeon! Ümlaut’s friend Attikol finally came in. You know, the guy who runs the Deadly Dollhouse. But instead of hanging out playing Calamity Poker like the other nuisances, all he did was flirt with Raven! I may have forgotten to mention that Raven is fairly gorgeous, and Attikol seemed kind of smitten. You wouldn’t believe the lines he was spitting. I was embarrassed.
As usual, I was hiding under the counter, so I heard every word.
ATTIKOL:
So, you’re the new girl. My friend Ümlaut neglected to tell me you were such a dream incarnate.
RAVEN:
Uhhhhhhhhhhh…
A:
Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh, dear. Though the brightest light in the heavens may shine for man, it doth not shine for you. In your eyes, but never in your mind.
R:
….….
Thank you?
A:
Did Ümlaut mention to you that I have magical powers beyond your wildest dreams?
R:
Uhh…no.
A:
Right, well, I was just kidding. Seriously, though, I do have a great set of guns.
ME:
[Snorting from under the counter.]
A:
I look into your eyes, Raven, and what do I find? Nothing more than lint and espresso recipes. And this, my deadly doll, this is what drives me wild for you! I must have you!
R:
Uhhhhhhhhhh??
A:
I’ll pick you up tomorrow evening at eight, darling. Wear something revealing. And don’t forget—I’m very generou$$$!
[The dollar signs are mine, but you could practically hear them hissing on his snakey tongue.]
Then he left, and as soon as he was gone, Ümlaut stormed over to the counter to convince Raven she wasn’t going to date his creepy friend. I’m NOT writing down their conversation. It was extremely tiresome and full of “Uhhhhhhhhh…” (Raven) and “Blood and Gor!” (Ümlaut). Here’s what I picked up between naps:
Ümlaut has a terrible crush on Raven.
Attikol always goes for ladies Ümlaut has crushes on.
All the dolls in Attikol’s show are modeled after real ladies he has known.
This one time, Attikol filled all the waterways of Venice, Italy, with bubble bath just because this one lady dared him to.
This other time, Attikol had the streets of San Francisco rearranged just so this other lady’s favorite show The Streets of San Francisco would be more accurate.
This other other time, Attikol paid a sheik-ton of money to hold a fake Super Bowl just so he could make Ümlaut think his team had lost.
And once, Attikol paid a team of Nobel Prize–winning scientists to create a new kind of whoopie cushion to embarrass Ümlaut in front of his lady friends.
For supposedly being friends, Attikol and Ümlaut seem to hate each other’s guts an awful lot.
Attikol likes recreational straitjacketing, volcano diving, and cement boots (on other people).
Attikol has this bad habit of making life difficult for people who cross him, which is why Ümlaut can never keep a girlfriend and has had both his kneecaps broken.
Attikol also has a huge ego, which is his main weak spot.
Raven can buy some Attikol-free time if she can give him a challenge that’s super hard (or just very time-consuming).
I do not care about this drama even just one little bit, but the challenge of coming up with a challenge for Attikol sounds pretty fun.
Day 6
Am feeling extremely peeved that I did not pay more attention to the stupid street-sweeping schedule. My lean-to has received an $86 ticket for being “parked” in a street-sweeping zone. Grrr!
Went back to the bus depot and tried to talk myself into picking a new town, but Myself reminded me that if I go, I’ll be leaving behind not only $243 in tickets and some fairly annoying people, but any clues to my identity that might exist.
Will try to stick it out here a while longer.
Am not pleased.
Later
OK—something pretty odd just happened here at the minipark. Had been feeling very motivated to figure out who I am and what happened to me so I can leave this ridiculous town forever. Decided to retrace my steps, try to jolt my memory a bit. Stood around in front of the El Dungeon for a while and then walked up and down the streets, checking the scene. Eventually ended up at the minipark. I was sitting on the bench, completely bored, and thought I’d practice my aim with the ol’ slingshot. There were still plenty of lovely shooting rocks under the bench. Dead ahead from where I sat was the solo tree, and about five feet up the trunk I noticed this knothole. I aimed, and got it solid on the first shot. And then I heard this click from the bench. I turned around to see that one of the brass letters on the plaque, the “d” in “LeStrande,” was now pushed forward just a little bit.
Weird! I ran my fingers around it, tried to pull it out, then gave it a little push, and the thing flipped upside down…and became a “g.” Huh. It was…kind of le strange.
Spent about an hour shooting rocks at pretty much everything else in the park, but nothing else happened. Am excited to poke around town more and see what other weird surprises I can find. More secret doors concealed in wood paneling, for example. Mysterious SCHNEIDER door possibly hiding…I don’t know, fascinating “Schneider”-related treasures. Portals to other dimensions. Bizarre elaborate chain-reaction contraptions that have waited centuries for me to come along and trigger them. YESSSSS!
If only!
Later-walking around town some more
Noticed four police officers standing around getting this dog to catch and eat wadded-up money. Once they had used up their small bills they moved up to twenties. Amazing.
Saw a loooong line of people waiting to get inside City Hall. Um, by “loooong,” I mean twenty-three people. Hey, that must be at least half the Blackrock population. Did not really want to make eye contact with any of them, let alone have a conversation, but curiosity was kind of killing me. Asked some lady what they were all doing and she said it was ticket-paying day and everyone was waiting in line to pay various tickets and fines. Pretty much the most soul-crushing thing I’ve heard all day.
People are still giving me suspicious glares. Wish I knew why. Wonder if it was because I had four black cats following me.
Some lady tried to hand me a flyer encouraging Blackrock citizens to have their phones charged up for St. Clare’s Day. Told her no thanks since I have no phone. Her face showed Pure Horror.
Happened to be walking by the junk-mail factory in time to see Sizzle, Petal, and Grapey ending their day shift, to be replaced by HamHawk, Hurk, and Steve beginning the evening shift.
Am noticing that no one else in Blackrock looks like the people in the medicine show. Why do they even come here?
No one else in ANY small town looks like Raven. What’s she doing here?
DITTO ME.
Later—back at the minipark, AGAIN
Found another cat collar like the one that said “Miles,” this one for “NeeChee.” It was under the bench at the minipark, snagged on the bottom of the seat, and impossible to see unless you were actually lying on your back under the bench, pretending it was an antigravity machine, which I kind of happened to be doing. Will see if Nitzer, Cabbage, or McFreely answers to “NeeChee.”
Later
Back at the El Dungeon. Am still grinning (inside) about the funny stuff that just went down.
Attikol came to pick up Raven for her date—reeking of the same brutal cologne Ümlaut wears. He was all “Raven, dahling…” and I was all snorting, and Raven was all silent and pointing at me. So I told him his challenge, nice and loud in front of everyone, how he would have to move all the buildings in Blackrock one inch to the east before she would go out with him. You should have seen his face. It got all fake-sad and understanding, but you could tell he was irked. “You’ve been listening to Ümlaut,” he said. “Don’t listen to Ümlaut, he’s jealous of his own codpiece! He’s just a boy, Raven. You need a man. You need ME.”
But Raven shook her head and crouched down under her cape, and Attikol took off to go lean on buildings, or something. Then we could laugh at him all we wanted.
Later
I have the four black cats to thank for helping me come up with that challenge while I slept. Here’s what I dreamed: I was hanging out with the cats in the alley. One of them—Nitzer, the one with six toes and the white stripes on his tail—was staring at me really strangely, and then he put his front paws up on my refrigerator box and shoved it over an inch. Then he meowed, and I understood him! He was telling me to look underneath. I lifted it up a bit, and all this black hair came up from a hole in the ground under my lean-to. It was pretty gross, but I wasn’t scared; I knew it was just Raven’s wig. Then we walked around town and the cats di
d the same thing to a bunch of other buildings. All of them had different stuff under them: squid ink, crude oil, chocolate pudding, espresso, molasses…Finally we ended up right back at the El Dungeon. But they didn’t move it, and that’s how I knew what the challenge had to be. Pretty cool, actually, that Attikol really went for it. When he’s done, I want to walk around town to see what was under all those buildings.
The lean--to as I dreamed it. Raven’s wig.
Later
You know, that Curls is kind of a rapscallion. He followed me out back to the alley and stood around chatting about nothing and preventing me from going peacefully into my refrigerator box. Luckily it’s well disguised, so I don’t think he knows I live in it.
Eventually, since Curls clearly wasn’t going anywhere, I left. For lack of anywhere better to go, I ended up at Jakey’s trailer. First thing he said, after “Hi,” was “Baby cat? Kitten.” Had to slap my forehead in disgust and relief.
ME:
Thanks, man. Thought I was losing my mind.
JAKEY:
I don’t think you need to worry. You know a lot of stuff about the world that most people don’t.
ME:
[Getting very interested.] Really? Like what?
J:
Like…uh, calculating terminal velocity. Whatever that is.
ME:
Oh, come on. That’s baby stuff. All you do is multiply the mass of the object by the gravitational acceleration at the Earth’s surface, double that, divide by the drag coefficient…
J:
Jeez, listen to yourself. Seriously, I bet you’re the only person in Blackrock who knows that.