The Lousy Zombie, Book 1: Clueless Jasper
Copyright 2016 Mark Mulle
Author’s Note
This short story is for your reading pleasure. The characters in this "Minecraft Adventure Series" such as Steve, Endermen or Herobrine...etc are based on the Minecraft Game coming from Minecraft ®/TM & © 2009-2013 Mojang / Notch
Table of Contents
DAY 1
DAY 2
DAY 3
DAY 4
DAY 5
DAY 6
DAY 7
DAY 8
DAY 9
DAY 10
DAY 11
DAY 12
DAY 13
DAY 14
DAY 15
DAY 16
DAY 17
About the Author
Other books by this Author
DAY 1
My name is Jasper and I’m a zombie. Well, a zombie kid, but you get the idea.
Save for a little height difference, I look no different from anyone else in my mob: gruesome green skin, small squinty eyes, and a scowl that can make a Creeper run for its money. Zombies make up the largest mob population in the entire Overworld and in numbers we can take down humans pretty well. There’s just one eensy-teeny problem…
“Zombies are silly!” a Skeleton jeered one day. “You guys are pretty much the laughing stock of the whole monster race, Jasper!”
The Skeleton in question was my neighbor, who was right about zombies in a sense.
Zombies aren’t known for being the brightest people in the bunch. We’re the kind that charge at the enemy without thinking. We don’t need to think because all it takes is a few tackles and a human’s down. That’s what my parents say, at least.
I agree with my brother, Luke, instead. I’ve tried tackling humans once and doing it alone never helped me. My first encounter with a human went sort of like this:
“I’m gonna…err…bite you!” I yelled as I charged at a man with an iron sword.
“No, Jasper! You don’t threaten a human! You just roar and attack!” my older brother Lucas said.
“But…what about trying to intimidate them so they don’t instantly attack?” I asked as I reared my head around.
“Jasper! Behind you!”
Whack!
The human’s sword hit my head flat.
“Ow! Ow! Ow!” I screamed as I touched my head.
“Keep attacking!” Luke scolded me as he hid behind the bushes.
But I couldn’t. The human kept attacking me and I had to make a run for it,my hands covering my head.
So, yeah. Attacking and growling is not my thing. I’d prefer not to always get whacked on the head as I fought enemies.
Everyone thinks I’m crazy trying to do this, though. I personally can’t go around telling people this stuff because they just laugh at me. Maybe that’s why I’m writing it all here, diary. Books, at least, can’t talk.
DAY 2
Today I was officially dubbed “The Worst Zombie of All Time” by our mob coach. Young zombies like me are trained by a mob coach in order to know how to fight humans “the proper, zombie way.”
After my big slip-up with the first human I attacked, Coach Mason made me practice the Zombie Run, which is basically running with your arms in front of you as you groan.
“But doesn’t groaning give away our cover to the humans?” I asked. “And isn’t it easier to run if our arms are moving at our sides?”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Coach Mason barked. The smell of rotten meat wafted from his mouth. “You’re not a Creeper, Jasper! We don’t need to hide or anything in order to attack! We just do it!”
“But wouldn’t it be easier if—“
“I said get out there and GROWL!”
All I managed was a weak “Raaawr…”
I got so distracted by Coach Mason’s barking that as I ran I ended up tripping over a pig in the field.
Coach sighed.
“You’re doing it wrong,” he said. “All wrong! Look at Jeff! He’s a star zombie in the making. You should try being like him.”
Jeff Rotter. Of course.
Jeff Rotter is one of my classmates and he’s loved by everyone. He’s a lot bigger than most of us zombie kids and that makes him way stronger, too. He’s broken through wooden doors faster than any of us and is probably as strong as most adult zombies. He’s as hollow as a jack-o-lantern, though.
“How do you know your shirt is backwards?” he once asked me. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll punch you!”
I told him that you had to look for that little tag at the back of your collar. Granted, he didn’t know what the word “collar” meant and I did get punched. Luckily, zombies don’t get bruises because we’re undead, and bruised to begin with.
So, yeah. There’s a big difference between me and Jeff Rotter. Jeff’s huge, I’m as skinny as a skeleton. Jeff can tear things down in an instant, I can’t so much as punch a stone wall without cracking my bones. Jeff’s loved by everyone, everyone thinks I’m a joke.
I still think it’s ridiculous running with our arms in front of us. It just makes no sense!
DAY 3
Today was a special day for zombies. We had overheard a Creeper say there was a village nearby with occupants. Everyone was riled up, as you can guess. Skeletons got their bows ready, practiced their aim, loaded their quills; Creepers made plans as to how they were going to sneak up on them; and Spiders were training their children on how to jump high walls.
Meanwhile, the Zombies were all practicing their best roars, flexing their muscles and trying to look as scary as possible.
“You guys do realize looking scary is just half the job, right?” I told my parents.
My parents frowned, even more than they already were.
“Jasper, why is it so hard for you to grasp that this is how Zombies fight?” Dad said.
“Because it’s…ineffective?”
Mom’s eyebrows furrowed and she placed her hands on her hips. She obviously wasn’t happy with what I said.
“That’s it, mister,” she said. “If you keep with this anti-Zombie attitude, then you’re not going to join us in the attack tonight!”
“But I’m just saying that—”
“I said enough!” Mom snapped. “Seriously, you act like you don’t even want to be a Zombie! No wonder you’re so awful at fighting like one!”
I could feel a lump form in my throat. I could understand Coach Mason mocking me. I could understand Jeff Rotters and everyone in the whole mob mocking me, too. Heck, my older brother making fun of me being a lousy Zombie was probably in his DNA. But to hear Mom say it was a different matter. Parents were the ones who were supposed to be rooting for you when no one else was. If Mom thought I was a lousy Zombie, it meant I was.
And it’s true.
I’m a lousy Zombie. “The worst Zombie of all time,” as Coach Mason puts it.
By the time everyone was ready to start the attack on the village, whatever energy I had was gone. My parents and my brother went straight ahead to attack in the front, but I lingered behind. I slowly began to back away. To my surprise, from taking steps backward I had turned around and was now running in the opposite direction. I ran past the oak trees and long grass. I ran past the fields and the dirt hills. I ran past the cave which was my home.
I ran until I couldn’t find out where I was anymore.
And now I’m here hiding in a pit in the ground.
I’m pretty sure my parents are going to look for me. So will the entire mob. Or maybe they won’t. They don’t need a lousy Zombie like me, right?
And now I certainly don’t
need them!
I don’t have to be a Zombie. I can learn to be something else. Something better! Just they wait!
The sun is coming up now. I better sleep and wait for night. If I’m lucky, I can attack a human silly enough to wander around during that time.
DAY 4
There were no humans today, sadly. Not a single one. Most of the night I was just walking around looking for another group of Zombies of any other mobs. Weirdly, I didn’t find any during my travels. Today’s just been tiresome. I wonder what the Zombies are thinking back at home. Do they even care, though? It’s hard for me to figure out.
The sun’s coming up again. I should hide under a tree or something.
DAY 5
I’ve walked into the desert biome. Now, if you don’t know what biomes are, they’re basically parts of the Overworld that consist of different environments and climates. A jungle biome, for instance, would be a cool area with tall trees (literally called “jungle trees”, if I might add), vines, long grass, pools of water and have animals like ocelots. Another biome would be the grassland biome like the one I came from: just grass. Grass, small hills, cows, pigs and horses—lots of horses.
The worst part of a biome, I think, is the fact they end abruptly. For instance, one moment you’re in the snowy glacier biome and then you find yourself in a lush green forest. Can you imagine what a pain it must be to put your garden of watermelons and wheat right next to a desert? It’s not fun, I tell you.
Gosh, what am I doing writing it all down here? It’s not like my diary needs to know any better! I must be lacking sleep.
Anyways, I got off track. I’m in the desert biome now and, my gosh, it’s hot out here. It’s night time and it’s supposed to be a little colder, but it’s not. I’ve felt what it’s like being set on fire during the daytime in biomes of normal climate, so I can only imagine how much worse it would be here. I’m not going to wait and find out.
While I was sitting down in order to catch my breath(a kid monster can only walk so much, you know?), I saw a lot of monsters running around in the pitch darkness. I wanted to approach most of them, but they were huddled into their own groups.
A Skeleton poked me from behind.
“Hey!” the Skeleton barked. “You’re in our turf!”
“Your turf?” I asked.
“Yeah, our turf!” he said as he poked me with his bow. “Scramoose! Get your own place!”
The Skeleton’s bow was creeping me out, so I slowly inched away and hid at another place. Luckily, no one told me to leave as the sun was going up again.
DAY 6
I decided to leave the desert biome. There wasn’t much to do there and mobs were already huddled in their own groups. I only felt out of place. I started walking and came to the grasslands again. I didn’t find any monsters because the sun had just set. I did find a few pigs and cows, and I figured I could try to scare them.
“Boo!” I said as I popped out from behind the cluster of trees.
The cow just stared at me and blinked. It went back to eating grass.
From the shadows I could hear a snicker.
“Dude, you’re a Zombie, not a stinking ghost!” the playful voice said.
I turned around, not sure what to expect. From the top of the tree, a Spider came down, grinning with its fangs and covering its mouth with four of its eight legs. I yelped and jumped back.
“Gah! You scared me!” I said.
The Spider giggled even more. The more that I looked at her, the more that I realized she wasn’t a fully grown Spider. While she was more than twice as long as I was, down on all her eight legs she was only my height. I had the assumption she was just around my age.
“That’s how you’re supposed to scare someone,” she said. “Sneaking up on them without them expecting it!”
I frowned.
“But that’s what I did with the cow!” I said.
The Spider rolled her eyes, all six of them.
“Yeah, like it didn’t hear you coming from behind it,” she said. “And you’re not the, well, scariest thing to look at. You’re a tiny Zombie!”
I could feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment. I didn’t like people mentioning that I was short. Zombie kids were born that way, after all. Well…okay, I’m even shorter than most of my classmates too.
“H-hey! I’m going to get a growth spurt!” I defended. “…eventually.”
This time the Spider just howled into laughter. She hung upside down from her web and clutched her stomach.
“Oh, you’re adorable!” she said. “Even cuter than most clueless Zombies!”
My face was probably turning as red as blood. I clutched my fists and stomped the ground.
“Hey! I’m not clueless!” I said. “In fact, I’m sick of being a Zombie! I want to be something better! Something…I dunno…smarter?”
The Spider looked like she was going to laugh a bit more but she realized I was serious. She lowered herself down on her web so she could look into my eyes.
“Hey, you’re not kidding, are you?” she said.
“Of course not!”
I was going to yell in her face even more, but stopped myself. I wasn’t mad at her. I was mad at myself. Why would I take it out on her instead? That was just the kind of move any typical, mean Zombie would do, after all. I sighed.
“I’m tired of being a Zombie,” I said. “I don’t get why Zombies fight without needing to think. I was thinking I could learn to be something else. Something fast and smart and can take down humans without getting whacked with a wooden sword.”
I kicked a bit of grass as I spoke. It popped and turned into seeds. The Spider looked at me sadly, but she soon brightened up. She grabbed my arm with her fuzzy legs.
“Hey!” she said. “Why don’t you become a Spider?”
“A what now?”
“A Spider!” she said excitedly. “I mean, sure you don’t have eight legs or anything, but maybe you can learn a few fighting tips from us!”
I was surprised by the offer.
“Wait…you mean it?” I asked.
The Spider giggled and nodded furiously.
“Sure thing!” she said. “You got a name, kid?”
“Errr…Jasper,” I said. “My name’s Jasper.”
The Spider took my hands and started shaking them enthusiastically.
“Nice to meet you, Jasper!” she said. “You made a great choice! Just you wait, we’ll have you jumping over trees and fighting humans from above in no time!”
The next thing I knew, I was shooting high up into the air. The Spider girl had yanked my arm and was pulling us up back on her web. I yelped as we suddenly landed on top of the tree where a couple more Spiders were. These guys didn’t seem like they were adult Spiders, either, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t intimidated by them.
“Oh, hey, Sissy!” one of the bigger Spiders said. “What’s with the Zombie in your hands?”
Sissy grinned widely.
“Hey, Gary! Hi, Clyde!” the girl Spider said perkily. “This guy over here is our new recruit! He wants to fight like we do!”
The two Spiders across us stared at each other and then burst into laughter.
I felt like hiding myself in my shirt. Sissy, though, wouldn’t have any of it. She rapped both of them sharply on the head.
“Ow!”
“Yeowch!”
Sissy glared.
“Hey, he’s serious, guys!” she said. “Jasper over here doesn’t like fighting as a Zombie. I thought we could teach him how we do the ropes. Besides, we do need a fourth person in our group!”
I swallowed hard and tried to speak up myself.
“I’m sure I can help in some way,” I said. “I promise not to be any trouble or anything!”
Gary and Clyde were still rubbing their heads from Sissy’s chastising. They sighed. Gary, who I could only tell apart from Clyde because of the green spots on his abdomen, went over to me and placed a long, spindly leg over my sho
ulders.
“Look, kid,” Gary said. “We want to help you. We really do. But you’re a Zombie. How do you expect to learn how to jump like us? Your legs are so stubby and short!”
“And you can’t shoot webs, either,” Clyde pitched in.
Sissy hissed at them. She pulled Gary away from me and straightened up.
“I bet you guys I can teach him,” she said. “All he needs is the right kind of teacher. Don’t you dare laugh! Just you wait! This guy’s going to be a pro wall-climber in no time!”
Gary and Clyde didn’t seem convinced, but the two merely shrugged.
“If you say so, Sis,” they said in unison. “Bring him over to our hideout. We’ll watch you train him tomorrow.”
So now I’m inside a Spider’s den. There’s only the four of us. According to Sissy, the other Spiders were far deeper down in the tunnels. The only bed they could offer me was a web. It was too sticky for me, though, so I’m just sitting here on the floor and writing.
I’m a little nervous, but I can’t wait to learn about being a Spider tomorrow. It sounds pretty weird, yeah, but hey, it’s probably not as strange as fighting without using my head, right?
DAY 7
The moment the sun set, Sissy woke me up by scaring me out of my pants. She’d sat right next to me and screeched right into my ear. That said, I bolted awake and jumped backwards only to fall into a web.
“Evening, slowpoke!” she said. “Thought I’d teach you lesson number one right away.”
“By screaming in my ear!?” I said angrily as I struggled in the sticky web.
Sissy giggled and then used her legs to pry me away from the threads.
“Well, how else are you supposed to scare someone?” she said. “You have to make sure they don’t see you coming. When they least expect it, boom! You’ve jumped on top of them and take them down!”
I plopped onto the ground once I was free of the web. My butt already hurt from sitting down on cement all night. It hurt now falling onto it.
“That was pretty effective, I guess,” I told her.
Sissy beamed and took my wrist.
“Come on, I’ll show you a couple of things we Spiders can do,” she said.
Sissy used her leg to hook my shirt and put me onto her back. She then started riding me out of the tunnel and into the moonlit open fields. Gary and Clyde were on the treetops sitting still and quiet.
“You see Gary over there, right?” she asked me.
“Yep.”
“Those two are waiting for unknowing travelers to pass by,” she said. “Most times no one comes around here, but other times we do get lucky. If there’s no sign of anyone, we walk around and scout. A human’s usually nearby if you can see lit torches or you can hear something moving in the grass.”
As if on cue, we heard the trotting of horse hooves. Sissy crawled quietly into the long grass.
“Keep your head low!” she said.
The sound was coming from a human riding a white mare. He had no armor on or anything, but he did have a wooden axe in his hand. He slowly got off his horse and started cutting the tree down.
“Now…watch,” she said.
As the human was getting closer to chopping the last planks of wood at the top of the tree, Gary screeched and he leapt down onto the human’s face. The human screamed wildly and tried to fight back with the axe, only for Clyde to jump down as well and attack.
Soon enough, the human vanished into glowing dust.
Gary laughed.
“I bet that human’s going to be so annoyed he lost his horse when he respawns!” he said heartily.
Clyde gave him a high-five.
“You bet,” Clyde said.
Sissy brought us out of hiding and chuckled herself.
“Nice going, boys!” she said. “You set a great example for Jasper over here!”
The two swelled in pride upon hearing that.
“Well, we are the best Spiders in the biome,” Clyde said. “So, what are you teaching your little Zombie student first?”
Sissy thought about it.
“Well, we can do wall-climbing first, I guess,” she said.
I swallowed nervously.
“Wall-climbing?” I croaked.
Gary smirked and patted me on the back—a tad too hard, I might add.
“Aw, don’t sweat it, kiddo,” he said. “It’s easy-peasy for us. How hard could it possibly be for you?”
Clyde started climbing up the tree, each of his legs clinging onto the trunk as he went up. It looked almost effortless.
“Now you try, Jasper!” Sissy said as she shoved me towards one of the uncut trees.
I stood in front of an oak tree which now seemed much taller now that I was right in front of it. I swallowed.
“It can’t be too hard, right?” I murmured to myself.
I looked at Sissy who was nodding at me encouragingly. I wrapped my arms and legs around the tree and tried to move up. Groaning, I tried to squirm up the trunk, but my hands started sweating. I slid down just after getting a foot high and I landed in the grass.
Gary let out a low whistle.
“Welp, so much for that,” he said as he shrugged. “It’s just not in a Zombie’s blood, Sissy.”
I frowned.
“I-I can try again,” I said, just so I could save face.
I hopped up and tried to climb up again. I slid down. I tried a third time. Still no luck. Sissy was rubbing her chin thoughtfully.
“Gary may be right,” Sissy said. “You probably can’t cling onto the tree because of your Zombie body.”
I felt my hopes shatter as she said this. It was almost felt as bad as being told by Mom that I was a bad Zombie.
“But,” she added, “I think we can figure something out for him.”
My head perked up.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Sissy lifted up one of her legs and held it close to me.
“Pay close attention to the texture of my legs,” she said. “If you notice, there are tiny little hairs on them.”
I squinted. I could indeed see them.
“They look a little bit like hooks,” I said.
Sissy nodded.
“Yep,” she said. “That’s how I’m able to cling onto surfaces. Maybe we can find something to help you stick your arms to them.”
Sissy took a bit of her web and then wrapped it around my arms.
“Here, this should be sticky enough,” she said. “Try climbing up now.”
I tried to open my fingers with the web wrapped around my hands but I couldn’t. It felt sticky, alright.
I approached the tree again and placed one of my hands on it. I felt the web firmly latch onto the tree bark. I kept my legs around the tree and tried to inch my way up, letting the second hand stick onto the trunk. I was making my way up!
“Keep going, Jasper!” Sissy said. “You’re doing great!”
“Not bad, kid,” Gary was saying.
“Keep it up!” said Clyde.
I could feel myself getting pumped from their cheers. It was the first time other mobs were actually rooting for me. I quickened my movements, getting used to the pattern of moving up with my arms and legs. Eventually I was just a few inches from the top. I moved my hand to the top of the leaves followed by my next one. I finally got my legs up and I was standing on the top of the tree sweating and panting. Sissy leapt for joy.
“Whoo! I knew you could do it!” she said happily.
“Hey, great job, Jasper!” Clyde said as he joined me on top. “That was some smart thinking Sissy did back there. You did great.”
I was still trying to catch my breath from the feat.
“You think so?” I said between pants.
“Heck, yeah!” Gary added. “I think with a few more practices, you’ll get the real hang of it. What do you say you try that a few more times?”
So I did. For the first time in my life, I was actually doing something, enjoying it and suc
ceeding. The Spiders seemed happy with my progress, and so was I. I was pooped out after the third tree, though. We eventually called it a night and headed back to the cave. Regardless, it felt good to be good at something.
DAY 8
Today, I practiced a bit more tree climbing. I was getting a little faster at it, but I still got tired pretty easily. Sissy said I’d get the hang of it. We were going to move onto the next lesson, but we heard the familiar footsteps of humans coming our way.
“Okay, guys! Hide!” Sissy whispered.
Sissy went to hide in the grass. I tried climbing up a tree, but this time something odd happened: the webs wouldn’t stick anymore.
Oh, crud! I thought.
I suddenly remembered something Sissy told me yesterday.
Since you’re not naturally a Spider, you have to use webs, she said. But even they wear out. I have to renew them for you from time to time.
“Jasper!” Gary whispered from above. “What are you doing!? You’re going to get caught!”
The footsteps were drawing closer. I could hear the sound of a wooden sword slashing at the grass. The usual plop! sound that came from a human picking up items could be heard too. I had no choice but to follow Sissy’s example and hide in the grass as well.
Rustle, rustle, the grass went as I jumped inside it.
I silently cursed myself. I had made a lot of noise. As expected, the footsteps were heading in my direction.
“There’s something here,” the voice of the human said.
A bright light suddenly spread across the ground. I could hear the crackle of a torch. My heart started pounding.
Think, Jasper! I told myself. If he finds you, you’re going to have to attack. But how!?
The footsteps were getting closer. I swallowed hard. I thought about Sissy and how she took me by surprise. There were a few seeds in the grass next to me. I slowly picked some up as the human’s shadow started to loom over me.
“Graaaagh!” I screamed loudly as I threw the seeds in the human’s face.
The human, who wore a plain blue shirt and dark blue pants like me, groaned and covered his eyes.
“Agh!” he said. “What the heck!?”
“Guys, get him!” I yelled.
The Spiders leapt from their spots, all hissing as the human was momentarily blinded. In a fit, I pounced on him as well and tried to whack him with my tiny fists. Not that I did much. It was the Spiders’ fangs that had done the trick. The human turned into dust, which meant that he was probably respawned elsewhere. I sighed in relief.
“That was close,” I said. “I’m sorry, guys. I almost blew our cover and—”
Before I could say anything, Sissy had all her eight legs wrapped around me and hugging me to the point I couldn’t breathe.
“Jasper, that was awesome!” she said happily. “You totally caught that guy off guard!”
“I…I did?” I tried to say as I struggled free from her hug.
“That was pretty clever,” Gary remarked as he drew closer. “Throwing seeds. That’s definitely a first.”
I blushed. I didn’t think what I did was worth any real praise.
“It was just something I thought of in the spur of the moment,” I mumbled.
Sissy giggled.
“Still, that was a pretty smart move for a Zombie,” she said. “Or should I say Spider-in-the-making?”
Clyde rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on, now,” he said. “Jasper did a good job because he did; not because he’s of any particular mob species. Great job, kiddo.”
I smiled. I began thinking to myself none of this was all that bad. Sissy was a great friend, and Clyde and Gary seemed to be warming up to me, too. Maybe I could be of some use to them. Maybe I could be a better Spider than I ever was a Zombie. Maybe—
Out of the blue, I heard a swish! The silvery glint of flint stone flew across my line of sight and against Sissy.
“Ahhh!” Sissy screamed as she was pushed back.
An Arrow had lodged into her leg. The rest of us whirled around.
There was another human, this one was wearingan iron armor and wielding a bow.
“How dare you hurt our sister!?” Gary hissed as he leapt towards the human.
The human countered by taking out an iron sword and swiping at Gary, making Gary disappear almost in an instant.
“GARY!” Clyde said in panic. This time Clyde charged after him, dodging the first swing of the sword and the second.
“Jasper, get out of here!” Sissy said. “We’ll handle this!”
“But—!”
Before I could even react, Sissy had pushed me into the bushes. A spray of web followed after and kept me stuck to the ground.
“Keep down!” she said. “I mean it!”
I tried to struggle free.
“Sissy, no!” I said. “Let me help!”
But she was already going after the human. I could see hers and Clyde’s shadows fighting that of the humans on the ground. My heart was racing a million miles a second. I tried to break free, but I couldn’t.
Don’t worry, Jasper, they’ll win! I tried to reassure myself. There’s two of them and only one human. They can’t possibly—
The human’s shadow pulled out a second sword and this time made no hesitance to swipe at his enemies. I watched as Clyde leapt, only to get swatted into nothingness. Sissy screeched as she soon followed after. Tears were at my eyes.
“Sissy! Clyde! NO!” I screamed.
I finally broke out of the web and stood up. Tiny dust particles were everywhere and so were floating pieces of webs and Spider eyes. A stone formed in my throat. I knew them being defeated only meant they were respawned elsewhere, but I felt like I had lost them all the same. I could feel rage boiling up inside me. Not being able to contain myself, I screamed loudly and ran towards the human.
The human looked at me, not scared in the least. I tried to pounce on him, but I soon felt cold metal strike against my skin and I blacked out.
When I woke up again, I was in the savanna. The sun was starting to come out. My whole body felt sore. I looked around.
“Sissy?” I called. “Gary? Clyde?”
No response. For miles and miles I saw nothing but dried up grass and baobab trees. Tears ran down my cheeks. I’m lost again. And the only people who actually seemed to care about me are gone.