“I’m not a pawn.”
“Not now, and if you wish to remain that way, stay away from James and my dear cousin Alec Malcolm and the pope and half the nobles in Scotland. Oh, and Philip of Spain.” He shook his head. “Shall I go on? I could, you know.”
“Well, I have nothing to worry about at the moment.” She glanced away from him. “And I do think you’re wrong. If I do not choose to be a pawn, then no one can make me one.”
“Don’t be too sure.”
“I am sure.” But she was becoming uneasy with all this talk of pawns and conquests. He was becoming impatient, and she could now sense something violent and angry leashed beneath the surface. She wanted to go back to that moment when she had felt so safe and happy as he had tucked the blanket around her. She settled down and leaned her cheek on her arm. “I refuse to worry about something that will not come to pass.”
“I hope to God it won’t come to pass,” he said. “But you won’t prevent it from happening by hiding your eyes from the truth.” He stared at her and then muttered savagely, “But I forgot, you make a habit of not seeing what you don’t want to see.”
She inhaled sharply, her eyes wide with shock. The explosion had caught her completely off guard, as if a tiger had leapt out of the shadows.
“I believe it’s time, we all went to sleep,” Gavin interjected. “We should reach the foothills tomorrow, and the going will be much rougher. Have you not finished that girth, Robert?”
Robert didn’t answer.
Gavin took one look at his face and then shrugged. “Well I, for one, am too weary to hold my eyes open for another moment.” He glanced meaningfully at Kate as he settled down in his blankets. “I’m sure you feel the same, Kate. Good night.”
“Good night.” Robert’s gaze shifted back to the girth in his hands.
Kate watched him. The tiger had returned to the shadows, but she was painfully aware he was drawing away from her, from both of them. Everything was suddenly different. It was as if he had withdrawn to a place she could not go, and she wanted to reach out and jerk him back. “I’m right, you know. All this talk of—”
“Good night, Kate,” Robert said without looking at her.
The note of finality in his voice was almost as painful as his withdrawal and frightened her more. It wasn’t final, she assured herself. She would just ignore this little contretemps, and tomorrow would be the same as the days that had gone before.
The slopes of the distant mountains were not yet shimmering with snow, but they loomed stark and forbidding in the moonlight, and this afternoon Robert had noticed that the sky had turned the nasty pewter color that heralded a storm.
That’s all we needed, Robert thought in exasperation. Snow and ice would make the rough trail through the mountains even more treacherous.
“It may not be so bad,” Gavin said quietly as he came to stand beside Robert on the rise. “We’re only in the foothills. The snow may be over before we reach the slopes.”
“But not the ice.”
“It will just take us a little longer.”
Dammit, he didn’t need any more delays. He needed to get to Craighdhu before he splintered into a thousand pieces. “Aye.”
Gavin shot him a sideways glance. “You’re worried about the piebald?”
“He’s laboring.”
“We can’t push any harder. It would break her heart if anything happened to him.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” Robert said savagely. “We should never have brought him.”
“But he’s here.”
“And so it’s my fault, my responsibility.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to say it.” It was always his responsibility. Craighdhu and his people and now Kate and this Goddamn horse. He whirled and started back down the hill toward the campfire.
Gavin fell into step with him. “What are you going to do?”
“What am I supposed to do? Carry the nag over the mountains?”
“You don’t have to bite at me.” He paused. “Or Kate.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re making her miserable. She was so happy a few days ago. It was as if she were …” He stopped to find the right word. “Blooming. She doesn’t understand why you’re different now.”
He knew she didn’t understand. He had seen her unhappiness and bewilderment, and it flicked at him like a raw wound, the kind of dangerous pinprick a man can die of without knowing he’d received it. Yet what else could he do? He should have drawn back before this. He had already yielded too much to her. “She doesn’t want to understand.”
“Maybe it would be better if you did bed her, if it would rid you of this bad temper. You’re hurting the lass.”
“I’m glad I have your permission.”
“I know you don’t like me to speak to you of this.” Gavin’s jaw was set. “But I like her, and there’s no need for her to be hurt more by your coldness.”
Coldness wasn’t the problem, he thought grimly. He had never been more hot and aching. The frustration was growing every second of the day, and she still expected him to give her the impossible. “You’re right, I don’t want you to talk of this.”
“Well, you’re to be kind to her tonight,” Gavin said flatly. “I’ve spent the past hour trying to raise her spirits, and it won’t hurt you to smile at her.”
But if he smiled at her, she would smile back. She would smile with an eagerness and trust that tied him in knots and kept him from breaking free of her.
They were approaching the fire now and Kate, who sat cross-legged on a blanket in front of it. Gavin said quickly, “And praise her. Tell her how—”
Robert no longer heard Gavin’s words as he stared in horror at Kate.
Firelight glittered on metal as three knives whirled in a circle above Kate’s head!
“What the hell is she—”
“Shh …” Gavin grabbed his arm, his gaze never leaving the knives Kate was juggling. “Don’t startle her. Is it not wondrous?”
“It will be wondrous if she doesn’t kill herself.” Any second one of those dirks could fall blade first into Kate’s hand, cutting it to the bone. He knew how sharp those edges were. “Why the hell did you let her do it?”
“I thought it would distract her,” Gavin said. “She said she had a trick she could show me. I don’t think you need to worry. She seems to know what she’s doing.”
Robert felt as if he were going to throw up. “Not worry? When she—” He broke off as Kate sent one dirk spinning into the dirt a few yards away and then deftly caught the other two by their shafts.
Thank the Saints, it was over.
She laughed with delight as she noticed them standing there. “They’re fine knives, Gavin. It’s not often that you find such well-balanced—” She broke off as she saw Robert’s expression and drew herself up warily. “You don’t need to look at me like that. I didn’t hurt them.”
“I’ve never seen such foolishness. You could have sliced your hand off.”
“Nonsense. A knife is no different from any other object, if balanced correctly.”
“And you know how to balance—”
“Of course she does,” Gavin interrupted with a warning glance at Robert. “Such a pretty trick, Kate. Where did you learn to do it?”
Kate kept her cautious stare on Robert. “A troop of strolling players passed through our village every year. Carolyn and I would hide in the woods and watch them practice.” She smiled. “Acrobats and rope walkers, and there was a juggler who was truly wonderful. His name was Jonathan the Great, and he could keep five bright-colored balls in the air at one time. After they were gone, Carolyn and I practiced to learn the way of it. She soon grew bored, but I kept on with it for years. I had no balls, but I used apples and potatoes.”
“And may I ask why you were so determined?” Robert asked sarcastically. “Or was it just your damnable curiosity?”
“No of course not. I thought when I ran away from Sebastian, I might join a troop of strolling players.”
“As a juggler?”
She raised her chin defiantly. “Why not? It’s not such a foolish idea. I knew I’d have to earn my way in some fashion if I was to hide from Sebastian. I’m not so bad now, and with more time to practice I would have gotten better. It was not—”
“God’s blood.” She didn’t even realize the dangers of the life of strolling players, who were nearly always surrounded by whores and thieves and charlatans. Dammit, she didn’t know anything. She just stared at him with those huge, luminous eyes filled with eagerness and dreams and expected him to—
He turned on his heel and stalked off into the darkness.
She jumped to her feet and ran after him. “Why are you so angry? I did nothing wrong. One of the blades is a trifle dirty, but I can—”
“Stay away from me.”
“But I did nothing wrong, and it’s not fair for you to—”
“Be silent.”
“I won’t be quiet. I want to know why you’re—”
He whirled and grasped her shoulders and shook her. “You did nothing wrong! You could have—” He stopped as he saw the expression on her face.
She had gone still. “You were worried about me?” she asked. Then a brilliant smile lit her face. “That is very … pleasant.”
“Is it?”
She nodded. “I don’t remember anyone ever being concerned about me before. Carolyn, perhaps, but that was a long time ago.” She took a step closer, her gaze eagerly searching his face. “I told you we would become friends, didn’t I?”
“That’s what you told me.”
“And it’s true. Have we not talked and become companionable? Oh, you’ve been most peculiar for the past few days, but now I understand. You were probably concerned about me then also.”
He could feel the warmth of her body reaching out to him through her woolen cloak and the gown beneath it. He should release her, drop his hands from her shoulders. “Was I?”
“Of course. And now you worry about me as a true friend would, as you would for Gavin.”
“Why do you keep making comparisons? You’re not Gavin.”
Her smile dimmed a bit. “I believe you’re still angry at me for frightening you. I was quite safe, but I will promise not to use Gavin’s knives again if I can find something else. The problem was that I had no balls or apples or potatoes.”
Something seemed to explode inside him. “No balls or apples or potatoes,” he said through his teeth. “What a pity.” He jerked her to him. “Perhaps I should give you something else to amuse you.” His hands grasped her hips, and he pulled her against him, letting her feel the hard, jutting strength of his arousal. He rubbed yearningly, sensuously, against her softness, feeling himself swell and grow in dimension. He wanted to loose himself and drag her down to the ground and enter and plunge and rut like an animal. “Shall I furnish you with another toy to keep you occupied?”
He felt her stiffen against him. “Why are you doing this?”
His hands moved around to cup her buttocks, keeping her immobile. She felt so good against him. A shudder racked through him. “Because I’m not your mother or your father or your friend. You told me once if you learned everything about your mother, you’d find a way to make her care for you. Do you think I don’t know that’s what you’ve been trying to do to me? Well, you can’t do it. You’re not coming any closer. If you need a friend, go to Gavin, not to me.” He was growing painfully heavier with every word. He couldn’t keep on for much longer. “I tried to tell you that, and you wouldn’t listen. Do I have your attention now?”
She was too close for him to see her face. He didn’t want to see her face. He didn’t want to see the disappointment come and the eagerness leave. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Good. Then hear me now. If you don’t wish to occupy my bed, then stay away from me. I will have no more of this.” He released her and strode away from her, careful not to look back.
He knew how she would look—lonely, desolate, as she had when he had comforted her the night after the mermaid dream. He could not help it if she was disappointed. How could she expect him to be what she wanted him to be? He was a man, with a man’s needs. It was time she knew there was no place for her in his life other than the temporary carnal one he had first chosen for her.
She would not cry. She’d been foolish, and foolish women deserved to be hurt. Kate drew her cloak closer around her as she gazed blindly into the shadows where Robert had disappeared.
It had all been a dream wrought by her own eagerness and longing. She could see that now. She had deliberately blinded herself, and that must never happen again.
She turned heavily away and started back toward the fire. He had never wanted anything from her but that carnal closeness that men always wanted from women. He had always made that clear, and she had been too stubborn to accept it. She would go to sleep and let slumber heal the hurt. She would come to terms with this pain and be fine by morning.
It was not as if she lost anything that had really been hers.
Robert woke in the middle of the night to see Kate kneeling beside him.
“Shh … Don’t wake Gavin.” She swallowed and then said haltingly, “This won’t take long. I have … to speak to you.”
“Couldn’t it wait until morning?”
“No, I cannot sleep. I wish to apologize for being so stupid. I realize now how troublesome I’ve been to you. You see … I had been alone too long.” She paused, then continued. “It was because you were strong, I think. Sebastian was strong, but his strength was always used against me. Then you came … and you were strong and yet you were so kind to Gavin. It seemed … wonderful to me. I wanted it, so I tried to take it. I didn’t care what you wanted.” She added with sudden fierceness, “But you didn’t care what I wanted either.”
He had cared. He had been aware of her desperate hunger to be close to someone after those years of loneliness and repression. He had just been unable to give her what she needed.
“You were right, I tried to mold you into what I wanted you to be.” She smiled without mirth. “But you wouldn’t fit into the mold.”
He wanted to reach out and touch her. He did not. “I believe you should go back to your blankets.”
“Soon. I have to finish this before I can go on. I lived a life of lies with Sebastian, and I will never do that again. He tried to mold me as I did you. I’m ashamed to have acted as he did.” She shrugged. “In truth, I should probably thank you. Sebastian built a shell around me, and you broke through it.”
“I had nothing to do with it.” It had not been so much a shell as a cocoon from which an exquisite and wonderful butterfly had emerged and tried her tentative wings. “You broke through it yourself.”
She lifted her chin. “You’re right, I did it. I can have anything, be anything, I want to be. I never really needed your strength. I’m not a child. I don’t need anything from you.”
He stared at her without speaking.
“That’s all. I just wished you to know my foolishness is over and that I won’t bother you again. When we reach Craighdhu, we must try to work out an arrangement to see as little of each other as possible.” She rose brusquely to her feet. “Good night.”
He gazed after her as she went to her blankets. He could almost see the walls of pride and hurt rise around her, shutting him out. The eager, open child of these past days was gone. He should be pleased, dammit. She would no longer trail after him, talking and gesturing, asking him questions, trying to make him into something he could never be. She would distance herself and no longer be a constant temptation to him. It was not likely, but he might even be able to reach Craighdhu without bedding her.
He should be pleased.
Edinburgh
“It is absurd,” James said impatiently to Sebastian Landfield. “You cannot expect me to believe such a tale.”
; “I realized it would be difficult to comprehend, so I took the liberty of bringing a few of the letters Her Majesty sent me through the years regarding the girl’s upbringing.” Sebastian withdrew the documents from beneath his cloak and presented them to the king. “I’m sure you’ve received personal letters from Her Majesty and can compare the script.”
James did not bother to unfold the letters. “And even if it’s true, the girl can be no threat to me.”
“She is a threat to all who believe in John Knox.”
“She is a Catholic?” James asked swiftly.
“Not at the moment. I’ve trained her to be a good Protestant, but she is weak and sinful like her mother. It would take little to sway her into the devil’s camp. I need not tell you what chaos she could bring down upon both our lands if she tries to lure your Catholic barons under her spell.” Sebastian lowered his voice. “And she could lure them, Your Majesty. Imagine your mother, young and winsome but with a fire that Mary never possessed, and you have Kathryn.”
James bit his lower lip with annoyance. It was not fair, he thought peevishly. He had just rid himself of one rival, and now there was this new problem on the horizon. A young, winsome, fiery Mary. He, too, was young, but the image in his mirror reflected neither winsomeness nor fire, and his countrymen were easily influenced by both.
And Elizabeth had compounded the danger by marrying the wench to MacDarren. The earl had been a constant source of irritation to him for the last few years and would not hesitate to cause more.
“You will take action, Your Majesty?” the vicar asked.
“I will think about it.”
“You must act immediately, while she is still young and uncertain of her powers.”
“I said I would think about it,” James snapped. “You said MacDarren is taking her to Craighdhu?”
“He mentioned only Scotland, Your Majesty.”
“For him Craighdhu is Scotland.” James stood up and moved toward the window. “And I might as well be his subject for all he cares for my consequence.”
“Then being wed to a man such as he will make her an even greater danger.”