-How to Manage a Wizard Husband (poor condition)
-The Magyk of Foryx
-The Great Shape-Shifters of Our Time
-The ExtraOrdinary Apprentice Handbook
These items were removed for destruction:
-1 Ordinary Wizard robe
-6 unidentified potions, possibly UnStable
-1 bag of dried frogs
The following decayed food was removed for composting:
-3 turnips
-1 brick of? cheese
-4 maggoty chickens
-1 pail of? milk
-1 bag of Ma Custard’s exploding rhubarb drops
These garments were sent to the Young Army Barracks:
-10 boys’ tunics, various sizes
These garments were sent to the Asylum for Distressed Persons:
-2 girls’ short tunics
condition: threadbare
-49 odd socks
condition: disgusting
-2 pairs of boys’ boots
condition: holed
Other household items sent to the Asylum for Distressed Persons:
-9 blankets
condition: threadbare
-6 houseplants
condition: dead
-8 bowls
condition: cracked
-10 cups
condition: cracked
-10 forks
condition: bent
-12 spoons
condition: bent
-5 towels
condition: threadbare
-9 toothbrushes
condition: not nice
-24 pens
condition: mostly broken
-2 rubber balls
condition: chewed
-1 mouse
condition: dead
-1 bag of dog hair
condition: smelly
Found in the Heap Home
Little Theater’s
WINTER SCHEDULE
The Knights on the Tiles are pleased to present
A MIDWINTER FEAST OF FESTIVITIES
Featuring::
PERCY THROWER, JUGGLING MASTER
Recently returned from his successful tour of the Far Countries! Mr. Thrower will juggle chickens and children for the delight of all! Book early to avoid disappointment.
New Year’s Eve
The Pupils of the Purple Elementary School present their annual production of the pantomime: The Queen and Hotep-Ra
Snow Business
A selection of short plays on the theme of snow. Audiences are requested to come dressed as snowflakes. We aim to create a blizzard!
Letter from Alther Mella
Found in the Heap Home
Alther Mella,
ExtraOrdinary Wizard
Wizard Tower
Wizard Way
The Castle
Dear Silas,
Thank you for your hospitality yesterday evening. It was a lovely meal. I never thought I would actually enjoy sautéed frogs; please give Sarah my thanks. I trust that little Sam has now gotten over his stomachache. It was a dramatic moment, wasn’t it?
I am writing to let you know that I have reached a decision about the matters we discussed over Sarah’s wonderful cream sludge pie. I have decided to agree—with some regret—to release you from your Apprenticeship.
I am extremely sad to be losing you as an Apprentice. I have enjoyed your company very much indeed, but I do understand your desire to give up your Apprenticeship and spend more time at home with your delightful—and rapidly growing—family. I do also totally understand your concerns over the DRAW at the end of the Apprenticeship. I had not meant you to find out about that quite so soon. Of course, the odds are very much against DRAWING for the QUESTE, as there is, I understand, only one stone left. But, as you say, you never know. And to leave the children without a father would be a terrible thing.
My dear Silas, please know that there will always be a seat for you at the monthly banquets, and I shall look forward to your company there. Of course, as a former Apprentice, you will receive an automatic invitation to all official functions at the Wizard Tower.
I shall be interviewing for Apprentices in a few weeks’ time. There are quite a few Hopefuls to choose from. I am very impressed with that young woman Marcia, although I can see she may not be as easy to work with as you were. Good-bye to those long lunches at the Grateful Turbot, I suspect!
Thank you again for a most delightful and lively evening. With this letter you are officially Released from your Apprenticeship.
With all best wishes for the future,
ExtraOrdinary Wizard
P.S. I believe I left my knife, fork and spoon with you, but don’t worry, you are welcome to keep them.
Found in the Heap Home
Sarah Heap’s Recipe for SAUTÉED FROGS
PREPARATION TIME: thirty minutes; more than four hours if you have to catch the frogs first; a few days if you ask Silas to catch them
COOKING TIME: 10 to 15 minutes
One brace of frogs per person (1 brace = 2 frogs)
INGREDIENTS FOR SIX:
6 brace of frogs
1 chunk of butter
1 glug of cooking oil
1 large onion
1 bulb of fennel
1 cup of flour
Herbs
Salt and pepper to taste
SARAH SAYS: Frogs are at their best in early summer before they grow too large. You can either cultivate your own from frogspawn (see also recipe for Tadpole Soup) or find a nearby pond. I buy mine from Bertie Hatcher, who keeps the Ramblings’ frog pond. His frogs are always succulent. I prepare my own, but the more squeamish can buy them ready-prepared from Bertie’s stall in the Ramblings market on Saturdays.
PREPARATION:
Prepare your frogs if not already done. I recommend the method used in the Frog-Pickers Almanac. It is humane and not too messy.
Set prepared frogs aside.
Finely slice the onion and fennel.
Place flour in large bowl, chop the herbs and add to flour with seasoning. Mix together.
TO COOK:
Over a low fire, melt butter in heavy frying pan. Add the onion and fennel. Cook gently until the onion and fennel are soft. Remove pan from heat. Set aside the onions and fennel.
Now take the prepared frogs one by one and roll in the mixture of herbs and flour until they are coated. Set aside.
Bank up the fire. Place the frying pan over the fire; add vegetable oil and butter. When hot, add the frogs. Sauté. This will take between five and seven minutes depending on the size of the frog. Avoid overcooking, as this will lead to tough and chewy frogs.
When frogs are lightly browned, add the cooked onions and fennel, mix together for about thirty seconds, then remove from heat. Season to taste.
For a main meal, serve with fresh green beans and rice.
For an appetizer, use very small frogs and serve with a herby yogurt dip.
A great favorite in the Heap household!
Letter from Miss Match
Found in the Heap Home
Miss Match
The Purple Elementary School
The Ramblings
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Heap,
Further to your visit last week I enclose Nicko’s most recent progress report.
Nicko is a very able and intelligent boy. He shows MAGYKAL potential, but, as you see, he is not making much progress. As I explained at our meeting, I do not feel that his heart is in it. He has not moved beyond the very basics and does not, as you now realize, stay behind for the MAGYKAL hour after school. I am sorry that you assumed he did. I understand he goes home via the boatyard; it appears they know him well there.
You will see from the report that Nicko excels in practical subjects. His grades for woodwork and technical design are superb.
I do understand that, as such an ancient Wizard family, you both are disappointed at Nicko’s lack of interest in MAGYK, but as I said at our meeting, I think you sh
ould seriously consider allowing Nicko to take up an Apprenticeship with Jannit Maarten. I have spoken to Jannit informally about this and she would be willing to take him sometime next year.
Nicko is a very popular and valued member of this school and I would not hesitate to highly recommend him to Miss Maarten.
Yours sincerely,
Emily Match
Headmistress
WANTED BY ORDER OF THE SUPREME CUSTODIAN
SILAS HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Wizard. Green eyes and blond curly hair. Often disheveled. Worn robes.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Seen at the North Gate by Gringe the Gatekeeper. Did not pay toll.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Sarah Heap
Marcia Overstrand
Alther Mella (ghost)
SARAH HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Blue eyes and blond curly hair. Often seen picking herbs, followed by many children. Grubby appearance.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Rumored to be in the Forest.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Silas Heap
Galen the Physik Woman
Sally Mullin
SIMON HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Young man with green eyes and blond curly hair.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:
Room 16
Corridor 223
East Side
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Lucy Gringe
NICKO HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Age twelve. Green eyes with blond curly hair. Dirty-looking.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Seen on a boat heading downriver.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Rupert Gringe
Jannit Maarten
JENNA HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Age ten. Small for her age. Long, dark hair and violet eyes.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Seen on a boat heading downriver.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Bo Tenderfoot
Alther Mella (ghost)
YOUNG ARMY EXPENDABLE BOY 412
DESCRIPTION:
Green eyes.
Pinched face.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Seen on a boat headed downriver. Presumed abducted.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
None
SAM, EDD, ERIK AND JO-JO HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Teenage boys. Jo-Jo Heap age fourteen. Edd and Erik Heap, identical twins age fifteen. Sam Heap age seventeen. All have green eyes and blond curly hair. Generally scruffy.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:
Room 16
Corridor 223
East Side
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Silas Heap
MAXIE HEAP
DESCRIPTION: Wolfhound. Moth-eaten.
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Seen on a boat heading downriver.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
Silas Heap
Nicko Heap
THE HEAP FAMILY TREE
The Supreme Custodian’s Journal
Property of the Supreme Custodian
My Journal
7:00 P.M. MONDAY
My feet are freezing. This Palace is a miserable dump. Every winter I forget how awful the Big Freeze is. Only ray of sunshine in my life is young Simon Heap. He’s not a bad lad to talk to. Silly boy. Why he wants to be loyal to a bunch of useless Wizards, I have no idea, but I have a feeling it won’t be for too much longer. I am definitely getting somewhere. Indeed, it is high time I got over to the Ladies’ Washroom to see how he’s getting on. I’ll bring him one of those pies I had for lunch.
10:00 P.M. MONDAY
There was frost in the washroom; blasted fire has gone out and no coal left. But we had a nice chat, and young Heap ate the pie. He is mellowing. A week ago he wouldn’t have touched it. I think he will tell me what I need to know any day now. Felt sorry leaving him alone. Would have offered him a blanket but wasn’t quite sure how I could explain that to DD if he found out. Young Heap very morose. It can’t be too comfortable chained to a freezing-cold radiator.
5:00 P.M. TUESDAY
Oh I feel quite ill. This afternoon got summoned by DD to the Wizard Tower. Had to walk all the way up to the top, as the stairs have ground to a halt, clogged up with a plague of DARKE cockroaches coated in Magog slime. Whole place smells disgusting and is, frankly, quite creepy nowadays with all that DARKE stuff flitting around and that ghastly wailing all the time. Say what you like about old Overstrand (and many people do), but at least she kept the Wizard Tower running properly and it smelled nice.
Of course the old toad refused to believe I am doing my best to get the information out of young Heap. I told him you catch more flies with honey, and he just laughed and said he catches flies with a flyswatter and I should try that with young Heap. Then one of those awful Magogs slid up to me, clicking its claws and breathing down my neck, while DD said that if I don’t get the whereabouts of the Queenling soon he’ll have me CONSUMED. Told me exactly how he would do it. Twice. I feel sick thinking about it. Oh no, another knock on the door. I feel quite weak.
6:00 P.M. TUESDAY
Thank goodness it wasn’t another summons to the Tower—it was Gerald. I do enjoy calling him Gerald. He hates it, of course. “I am the Hunter,” he said, very sniffily. Gerald gets on my nerves. He breezes in and stomps around like he owns the place. You’d never know that he’s the one who lost the Trail, that he can’t even track a bunch of smelly Wizards. Ha! I am surrounded by fools. I shall go and see young Heap again. I have a little plan, which I think might work. I am slowly bringing him to his senses through my charm and charisma. Mother was not right about that. I have great personal magnetism. I can see it in the way people avoid looking at me. It is all just too much for them.
1:00 A.M. WEDNESDAY
It has been an interesting evening. I took a nice hot drink of chocolate along with me to the Ladies’ Washroom, and young Heap and I had our little chat. It was freezing, but I was fine, as I took my nice new ermine stole with me. Heap’s teeth chattered, but I resisted lighting the fire—I just thought, flyswatter, flyswatter. Anyway, I played my trump card—I “offered” Heap the possibility of an Apprenticeship to our new ExtraOrdinary Wizard. Of course, he doesn’t know it’s not mine to offer, but that is beside the point. It worked. He told me the Queenling has gone to stay with her aunt in the Marram Marshes. I went straight around to the barracks to see Gerald. Gerald not pleased at being woken. Said the information was of no use to him at all. But I suspected something. I am no fool, whatever Mother may say. I waited outside Gerald’s window and I saw him get out his maps of the Marshes. Ha! I know what he’s up to—he’s going to take the credit himself. I’ll go and see DD first thing tomorrow and I’ll scrap that little plan. Oh yes.
10:00 A.M. WEDNESDAY
Just returned from the Wizard Tower. Got there as soon as I could, but it takes so long to dress in the mornings. I do think appearance is so important, and especially when striding purposefully along Wizard Way one has to create a good impression. As it turned out, it’s a good thing I was a little late. Gerald had gotten there first and I heard all about it from that peaky-looking Apprentice that DD keeps out on the landing. DD threw Gerald out! Literally! Called him a bumbling fool and much worse. Oh joy. This has quite made my day.
2:00 A.M. THURSDAY
My nerves will not take any more. Summoned to the Wizard Tower at midnight. Was convinced I was going to be CONSUMED. But all the disgusting old fraud wanted to do was to show me some tacky blue amulet thing around his fat, sweaty neck. Got it off old Overstrand apparently. Well, good for him, although I can’t say that it suits him; he looks better in black. Anyway, that at least means my plan has worked—at last—and she’s in Dungeon Number One now. Rather her than me. I left feeling a little more secure about the CONSUMED threat, but until we get the Message Rat I will not rest easy.
SATURDAY
Well, well, they’ve got the rat. Rat has been taken away for questioning, but seeing as it has had its Confidential status withdrawn that should not be a problem.
SUNDAY
Wretched rat proving difficult. Have had it shoved in a cage and put under the floor. It will come to its senses soon enough—I hope. Am very jumpy today. Locked myself in the bathroom in case DD’s guards came for me.
MONDAY
Gerald looking very smug. Came up and whispered that he doesn’t need any kind of rat—Heap or otherwise—he knows where the old witch is and as soon as the thaw sets in they’ll be off. When I asked him which old witch, he just smiled and tapped the side of his nose in his usual I-know-something-that-you-don’t kind of way. Just like all the kids used to do when I was at school…except I showed them. Now I know everything.
2:00 P.M. WEDNESDAY
Ungrateful little tick has gone! Escaped. Found the door wide open. Should never have unchained him; I am far too nice for my own good. Mother always said that—no, actually, come to think of it, Mother never did say I was too nice…Have set the guards after him. He’ll regret this.
LINDA LANE
LINDA LANE was born in the Port. She was an only child and her parents moved to the Castle when she was seven. They found a couple of rooms in the Ramblings near the rooftop gardens and sent Linda to the Orange Elementary School.
Linda was a pretty child with long blond hair and blue eyes. She easily made friends, but she did not keep them. She would quickly make a best friend, and then as soon as she had found out all her friend’s secrets, she would dump her and move on to another friend, who became the recipient for those secrets—and in return told her own. Linda worked her way around the class in this fashion until at last everyone realized what was going on. And that was the end of any friends for Linda Lane.