HILDEGARDE PIGEON
You would not believe it, but Hildegarde once worked for the Council of the Custodians! She was employed in the Accounts Department, which she says spent most of its time trying to curb the lavish spending of the Supreme Custodian. She was transferred to the Sales Force, which forced the sale of all the Palace treasures. Hildegarde loved the old pictures and furnishings she had to sell, but as she said to me, she had to balance the books. Later though, she felt really bad about what she had done and she applied to take part in the Second-Chance Scheme. She was accepted for training as a sub-Wizard, which is part-time, and volunteered for door duty at the Palace to try to make amends. She told me that she longed to be called to the Wizard Tower to train as an Ordinary Wizard, but she knew she had to be patient.
Now Hildegarde is at the Wizard Tower but not quite as she had hoped—she is in the Infirmary. I do hope she gets better soon.
BILLY POT
Billy Pot is grumpy, but he is sweet too. He told me that he once owned a pet shop that only sold reptiles. Billy loved lizards and snakes, and he specialized in breeding purple pythons. (The biggest python that Billy Pot ever bred now lives in the backyard of Terry Tarsal’s shoe shop.)
When the Supreme Custodian bought a colony of snapping turtles from Billy, he ordered him to move into the Palace to look after them and Billy dared not refuse. Billy’s niece, Sandra, took over the pet shop and started selling fancy hamsters and fluffy rabbits, which Billy thinks are silly.
Sandra bought Billy's pet shop, and Billy set up the lizard lodges down by the river. He built the Contraption and, with his lizards, embarked on his never-ending quest for the perfect lawn.
But now Billy cares for a lizard much bigger than those he used to breed—a dragon named Spit Fyre.
SPIT FYRE
Only just arrived! He is down on the big field by the river where Billy used to grow vegetables. They have finished building him a huge kennel. They thatched it at first, but Mum pointed out that thatch and dragons don’t go well together so now it has fireproof tiles. Mum’s friend Sally told the builders where to get them. I think having Spit Fyre here is going to be really interesting.
DELIVERED BY HAND FROM THE WIZARD TOWER BY B. CATCHPOLE
Received at the Palace 7:30 A.M.
From: Septimus Heap
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Dear Jen,
Can you meet me at Marcellus’s place today? Have just had a note from him! It is really good. I think he has remembered some things at last. He has some stuff of Nicko’s to show us and he says there may be a way for him to come back!!!! See you there.
Love, Septimus xxxx
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Yay! I can’t wait until midday. We are going to get Nicko back—I know we are!
Wizard Way
HOW TO GET THERE: Wizard Way runs between the Palace and the Wizard Tower. As the saying goes in the Castle: “All roads lead to Wizard Way.”
WHO LIVES THERE: Scribes, printers and papermakers and anyone who likes to be in the center of things.
WHAT YOU’LL FIND THERE: A beautiful wide avenue lined with trees and tall silver torch posts. The buildings are the oldest in the Castle, and they are home to everything to do with the written word. Here you will find the fabled Manuscriptorium.
WHY YOU’D GO THERE: If you need Spells, Charms, pamphlets or just a book to read. You might have an appointment at the Manuscriptorium. Or you might just want to buy a Wizard Sandwich, sit on one of the benches in the shade of the trees and see if you can spot the ExtraOrdinary Wizard’s Apprentice wandering down to the Palace.
WHY YOU WOULDN’T: You might get asked to pick up litter by the Wizard Way Conservation Society Representative.
The Shops and Services of Wizard Way
An Informative Guide by the Wizard Way Conservation Society
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{ A MESSAGE FROM THE WIZARD WAY CONSERVATION SOCIETY:
Take your litter home. }
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Whether you are a day-tripper from the Port or a resident of the Castle, there is a myriad of surprises and delights to be found on Wizard Way.
To make your shopping experience a pleasant one—and to guide you to some of the more unusual establishments—the Wizard Way Conservation Society has produced this handy map with a brief description of some of the more interesting destinations. Please note that we cannot be held responsible for the goods and services offered in these establishments. Caveat Emptor! *
Larry’s Dead Language Translation Services: A small cubbyhole of a shop with room only for a desk, which is occupied by Larry himself. Will translate any dead language for a small fee.
PROPRIETOR: Larry
Larry can be a little irascible. When we asked him his surname for the purposes of this guide we were told, “Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.”*
Bott’s Wizard Secondhand Cloak Shop: Formerly located in the Ramblings, Mr. Bott’s popular shop now has an impressive frontage on Wizard Way. Note the ornamental green dragons and crouching purple lions. Mr. Bott tells us that he carries only the finest pre-loved fashions for the discerning Wizard—mainly cloaks. All garments are Deep-Cleaned and Anti-Darke treated. Also available: tunics, shoes and some Ordinary Wizard belts.
PROPRIETOR: Mr. Bott (the younger)
Mr. Bott took over the Secondhand Cloak Shop when his father retired thirteen years ago. He is inclined to be talkative but is very helpful.
TIP FOR SHOPPING AT BOTT’S:
Bring a magnifying glass—the labels on the cloaks are very small.
Tarsal’s Fine Boots and Shoes: Follow Instep Way—a small dead end off Wizard Way—and you will find Terry’s shop at the end.
PROPRIETOR: Terry Tarsal
Terry is a master craftsman and a gifted shoe designer. He will make shoes to your own specifications, repair a shoe while you wait and give advice on shoe care (whether you ask for it or not). Although famous for the purple python shoes he creates for ExtraOrdinary Wizard Marcia Overstrand, Terry Tarsal has asked the Wizard Way Conservation Society to point out that he will not make any further snakeskin designs.
SERVICES:
Heel repair
Toe repair
New soles
Stretching
Restoration
Dragon poop removal (price on application)
Custom orders (no snakeskin)
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Tarsal’s Fine Boots and Shoes
Half-price Sale!
2 PAIRS red worker’s clogs. Size: Extra large. New.
4 PAIRS green worker’s clogs. Size: Extra large. New.
10 PAIRS pink hippo children’s dance pumps. Assorted sizes. Used once. Very good condition.
1 PAIR red boots with blue laces. Child size: extra small. New.
1 PAIR pointy purple python shoes. Large size. Small (unnoticeable in the opinion of Mr. Tarsal) tear on heel.
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Wyvald’s Witchy Bookshop: Wyvald’s Witchy Bookshop is the largest of the many bookshops on Wizard Way. It is the premier carrier of all literature relating to the world of witches and contains a vast uncataloged stock of old Magyk books. The bookshop extends back for nearly a quarter of a mile and has taken over at least four other houses behind it.
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{ A MESSAGE FROM THE WIZARD WAY CONSERVATION SOCIETY:
For your safety, we recommend that before visiting Wyvald’s you tell someone where you are going and at what time you expect to return. We will only send our search-and-rescue party on that basis. }
* * *
PROPRIETOR: Tom Wyvald
You may have seen Tom Wyvald striding along in his purple cloak and long black tunic. The wearing of purple cloaks is discouraged by the Wizard Tower, but Mr. Wyvald is, as he often points out, free to wear whatever color he likes. You will discover that he finds it amusing to be mistaken for the ExtraOrdinary Wizard.
Wyvald's Witchy Bookshop
THIS
WEEK’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
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FROM THE ROMANTIC NOVEL BIN:
Meet Me at the Witching Hour by Desdemona Dream
FROM THE WITCHERY WALL:
Harnessing Hexes by Algaric and Pugh
FROM THE PAMPHLET PARADE:
Top Ten Counter-Feet Tricks by Silas Heap
FROM ROYALTY ROW:
Our Princess: An Unauthorized Biography by Pinkie Pry
FROM THE ARCANE AREA:
Theories of Time: A Book for Beginners (author unknown)
FROM THE UNLUCKY DIP:
A Brief History of the Sheeplands by Fred Partridge
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Wizard Sandwiches: First Floor, Number 44 Wizard Way. This facility is featured in The Egg-on-Toast Restaurant Guide. The Wizard Way Conservation Society wishes to point out that we have not given approval to the current door decoration of this establishment.
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A MESSAGE FROM THE WIZARD WAY CONSERVATION SOCIETY:
Take your sandwich crusts home.
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The Magykal Manuscriptorium and Spell Checkers Incorporated: Number 13 Wizard Way. Recognizable by the chaotic stacks of papers in the windows. Door has recently been repainted in unauthorized color.
PROPRIETOR: Chief Hermetic Scribe, Jillie Djinn
Miss Djinn is the latest in a long line of prestigious Chief Hermetic Scribes, the top position at the Manuscriptorium. She is a valued adviser to the Wizard Way Conservation Society on procedural matters and litter.
ADVICE FOR THE FIRST-TIME VISITOR TO THE MANUSCRIPTORIUM:
Always go to the front desk first. Do not attempt to enter the Manuscriptorium itself.
Be considerate! This is a place of work and study.
The Chief Hermetic Scribe is available by appointment ONLY. Please make your appointment with the Front Desk Clerk and arrive ON TIME.
Safety advice: do not approach the Wild Book Store at any time.
LIST OF SERVICES AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC:
Old, UnStable Spells checked and ReStablized.
Order copies of formulas, conjurations, incantations.
Transcription of Spells, letters, manuscripts, poems, tomes, parchments, declarations, treaties and other texts.
Calculations, Predictions and Astronomical Answers available if pre-booked.
Some secondhand Spells for sale.
Safe storage for Darke materials.
Conservation, Preservation and Protection service available. See brochure for details.
In conjunction with the Wizard Tower, the Manuscriptorium offers many arcane services. These are not advertised, and to find out more we suggest you book an appointment with Miss Jillie Djinn or with the duty Wizard at the Wizard Tower.
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NOTICE
The Manuscriptorium wishes to announce that the annual Entrance Examination will take place on the thirteenth of this month at 7:13 A.M. Success in this—with rare exceptions—is a requirement for employment at the Manuscriptorium. Please collect an entry form from the Front Office and return by the eleventh of the month at 5:02 P.M.
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Sandra’s Palace of Pets: Once owned by Billy Pot. Now Billy’s niece, Sandra, has taken over the business. Bunnies, kittens, hamsters—if it’s fluffy, Sandra will stock it.
PROPRIETOR: Sandra Pot
Sandra has turned the previously basic (and smelly) lizard-breeding store into a pastel-painted palace for cuddly pets.
SERVICES:
Complete grooming service: perfumed shampooing, nail clipping, fur trimming, teeth whitening.
Hamster homes interior design service.
Complete personal shopper wardrobe service for tiny dogs.
Designer pet carriers—take your loved one everywhere you go!
Pet counseling and advice service for nervous pets or owners.
Ask about our breeding program (pets only).
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A MESSAGE FROM THE WIZARD WAY CONSERVATION SOCIETY:
{ Take your pet’s poop home. }
* * *
Pets currently looking for the new person in their life:
BRIAN, BARNEY, BILLY, BRENDA, BARRY, BOFFY AND BEN
Baby mice, ten days old.
DAVE, DINAH, DIXIE AND DILBERT
Guinea pig family who wish to stay together.
PING-PONG
Exotic gerbil. Temperamental.
PRINCESS
Small chinchilla.
Fussy about food.
CHIEF HERMETIC SCRIBES, PAST AND PRESENT
TERTIUS FUME
The very first Chief Hermetic Scribe, whose ghost still guards the Vaults. As boys, Tertius Fume and Hotep-Ra (the very first ExtraOrdinary Wizard) were the closest of friends. After Hotep-Ra fled his home country, Tertius Fume, who was at that time a loyal friend, set out to look for him. Many years later Tertius Fume arrived at the Castle and was joyfully greeted by Hotep-Ra. Tertius Fume was amazed by what he found. Not only was his friend in the process of finishing the incredible Wizard Tower, he was now loved and respected by all and was the closest of friends with the beautiful Queen. Tertius felt a little put out—he had come to rescue his grateful friend and now all he could do was bask in his friend’s reflected glory.
But Hotep-Ra was his usual generous self. He set Tertius Fume up in a large house at 13 Wizard Way and, when Tertius expressed an interest in starting up what he called a Scribe House, Hotep-Ra gave him all the help possible. It was a terrible shock to Hotep-Ra when he returned to his beloved Dragon Boat from one of his visits with the Queen and discovered that Tertius Fume had declared a State of Emergency, installed himself as Locum ExtraOrdinary Wizard and taken over the Wizard Tower. Hotep-Ra was forced to oust his friend and banish him.
Tertius Fume made three of his scribes accompany him into banishment, one of whom, it is rumored, killed him.
WALDO WATKINS
A quiet man and a much-respected Chief Hermetic Scribe. For ten long years, Waldo bravely held out against the Supreme Custodian’s demands for putting the Manuscriptorium to Darke uses. But his refusal eventually cost him dearly. Unlike many Chief Hermetic Scribes, Waldo chose to live outside the Manuscriptorium rather than in the apartment above it. Late one night, on the way back to his little house within the Castle wall, Waldo was ambushed by a troupe of Custodian Guards and was never seen again.
HUGH FOX
Hugh Fox had been an unremarkable scribe for twenty-five years when, to everyone’s amazement, he was Picked to become Chief Hermetic Scribe. DomDaniel wanted a Chief Hermetic Scribe who would do his bidding and unlock the secrets of The Undoing of the Darkenesse—a book that he had snatched from Marcia Overstrand—and he fixed the Pick. Everyone knew he had done this, but no one was brave enough to say anything. But they all wondered who should have been Chief Hermetic Scribe instead.
JILLIE DJINN
It was Jillie Djinn who should have been Picked instead of Hugh Fox. This may surprise you—it surprised the author of this biography too. It is Marcia Overstrand’s opinion that some people seem promising, but when they assume authority they change for the worse. She considers that Miss Djinn is one of these people. Madam Overstrand also considers that while Jillie Djinn is undoubtedly a good person, her lack of skills in assessing people’s true characters may put the Manuscriptorium in some danger. Jillie Djinn is extremely knowledgeable—and awfully boring.
SOME EMPLOYEES OF THE MANUSCRIPTORIUM
O. BEETLE BEETLE
Beetle grew up in the Ramblings in two rooms beneath the Heaps, and Beetle’s earliest memories are of his mother banging on the ceiling with a broomstick, yelling, “For heaven’s sake, be quiet!”
Beetle was an only child and lived alone with his mother. Beetle’s father, Brian Beetle, died before he was born after being bitten by a spider hidden in a box of bananas. *
At the age of eleven, much to his mother’s delight, Beetle passed the highly competitive Manuscriptorium Entrance Examination and was t
aken on as General Dogsbody. When the Inspection Clerk fell off his sled, Beetle was entrusted to take over the weekly inspections of the Ice Tunnels. Beetle is Septimus Heap’s best friend. They share a love of FizzFroot and a hatred of Darke Magyk.
COLIN PARTRIDGE
Colin had once been unwillingly recruited into the Custodian Guard. He was from a small village on the edge of the Sheeplands. Partridge was a dreamy child who spent his days minding his father’s sheep—and losing more of them than his father cared to count. Colin’s father despaired of his son. So when the Custodian Guard Recruiting Party arrived at the Partridge sheep farm promising to “make a man out of your son,” Partridge’s father had young Colin packed and ready in no time. Luckily for Colin, he arrived at the end of the Supreme Custodian’s regime. He signed up for the Second-Chance Scheme and was snapped up by the Manuscriptorium. Partridge loves being a scribe and has no wish to return to losing sheep.
BILL FOX
Known to all as Foxy, he is the son of the disgraced ex–Chief Hermetic Scribe, Hugh Fox. Foxy, a lowly scribe, is extremely tall and thin and prone to fainting spells, but despite his being a bit of a wimp, Beetle likes Foxy. It is Foxy who introduced him to sausage sandwiches, and in an emergency in the Manuscriptorium, it is to Foxy whom Beetle will turn. Foxy does his best but often ends up in the Manuscriptorium infirmary in times of trouble. Jillie Djinn terrifies him, but Foxy enjoys his work.