XII
A TICKLISH BUSINESS
Pierre was fierce and fat and forty, but he could cook the mostwonderful roasts and ragouts that Warburton ever tasted; and he couldtake a handful of vegetables and an insignificant bone and make a soupthat would have tickled the jaded palate of a Lucullus. Warburtonpresented himself at the kitchen door.
"Ah!" said Pierre, striking a dramatic pose, a ladle in one hand and apan in the other. "So you are zee new groom? Good! We make a butler outof you? Bah! Do you know zee difference between a broth and a soup? Eh?"
The new groom gravely admitted that he did.
"Hear to me!"--and Pierre struck his chest with a ladle. "I teach youhow to sairve; _I_, Pierre Flageot, will teach a hostler to be abutler! Bah!"
"That is what I am sent here for."
"Hear to me! If zay haf oysters, zay are placed on zee table before zeeguests enter. _V'la_? Then zee soup. You sairve one deesh at a time.You do _not_ carry all zee deeshes at once. And you take zee deesh,_so_!"--illustrating. "Then you wait till zay push aside zee soupdeesh. Then you carry zem away. _V'la_?"
Warburton signified that he understood.
"_I_ carve zee meats," went on the amiable Pierre. "You haf nozzing todo wiz zee meats. You rest zee deesh on zee flat uf zee hand, _so_!Always sairve to zee _right_ uf zee guest. Vatch zat i zay do not movevhile you sairve. You spill zee soup, and I keel you! To spill zee soupees a crime. Now, take hold uf thees soup deesh."
Warburton took it clumsily by the rim. Pierre snatched it away with avolley of French oaths. William said that there was to be no "cussing,"but Pierre seemed to be an immune and not included in this order.
"Idiot! Imbecile! _Non, non! Thees_ way. You would put zee thumb in zeesoup. Zare! You haf catch zat. Come to zee dining-hall. I show you. Iexplain."
The new groom was compelled to put forth all his energies to keep hisface straight. If he laughed, he was lost. If only his old mates couldsee him now! The fop of Troop A playing at butler! Certainly he wouldhave to write Chuck about it--(which he most certainly never did).Still, the ordeal in the dining-room was a severe one. Nothing heattempted was done satisfactorily; Pierre, having in mind Celeste'sfrivolity and this man's good looks, made the task doubly hard. Hehissed "Idiot!" and "Imbecile!" and "Jackass!" as many times as thereare knives and forks and spoons at a course dinner. It was when theycame to the wines that Pierre became mollified. He was forced toacknowledge that the new groom needed no instructions as to the varyingtemperatures of clarets and burgundies. Warburton longed to get outinto the open and yell. It was very funny. He managed, however, onthird rehearsal, to acquit himself with some credit. They returned tothe kitchen again, where they found Celeste nibbling crackers andcheese. She smiled.
"Ha!" The vowel was given a prolonged roll. "So, Mademoiselle, you hafto come and look on, eh?"
"Is there any objection, Monsieur?" retorted Celeste in her nativetongue, making handsome eyes at Warburton, who was greatly amused.
"Ha! if he was hideous, would you be putting on those ribbons I gaveyou to wear on Sundays?" snarled Pierre.
Warburton followed their French without any difficulty. It was theFrench of the Parisian, with which he was fairly conversant. But hisface remained impassive and his brows only mildly curious.
"I shall throw them away, Monsieur Flageot, if you dare to talk to melike that. He _is_ handsome, and you are jealous, and I am glad. Youbehaved horribly to that coarse Nanon last Sunday. Because she scrubsthe steps of the French embassy you consider her above me, _me!_"
"You are crazy!" roared Pierre. "You introduced me to her so that youmight make eyes at that abominable valet of the secretary!"
Celeste flounced (whatever means of locomotion that is) abruptly fromthe kitchen. Pierre turned savagely to his protege.
"Go! And eef you look at her, idiot, I haf revenge myself. Oh, I amcalm! Bah! Go to zee stables, cattle!" And he rattled his pans at agreat rate.
Warburton was glad enough to escape.
"I have brought discord into the land, it would seem."
But his trials were not over. The worst ordeal was yet to come. Atfive, orders were given to harness the coach-horses to the coupe andhave them at the steps promptly at eight-thirty. Miss Annesley hadsignified her intention of making a call in the city. Warburton had notthe slightest suspicion of the destination. He didn't care where itwas. It would be dark and he would pass unrecognized. He gave the orderno more thought. Promptly at eight-thirty he drove up to the steps. Amoment later she issued forth, accompanied by a gentleman in eveningdress. It was too dark for Warburton to distinguish his features.
"I am very sorry, Count, to leave you; but you understand perfectly. Itis an old school friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a long time; oneof the best girl friends I have ever known. I promised to dine with herto-night, but I broke that promise and agreed to spend the evening."
"Do not disturb yourself on my account," replied the man in brokenEnglish, which was rather pleasant to the ear. "Your excellent fatherand I can pass the evening very well."
Karloff! Warburton's chin sank into his collar and his hands trembled.This man Karloff had very penetrating eyes, even in the dark.
"But I shall miss the music which I promised myself. Ah, if you onlyknew how adorable you are when you play the violin! I become lost, Iforget the world and its sordidness. I forget everything but thatmysterious voice which you alone know how to arouse from that littlebox of wood. You are a great artist, and if you were before the public,the world would go mad over you--as I have!"
So she played the violin, thought the unhappy man on the box of thecoupe.
"Count, you know that is taboo; you must not talk to me likethat,"--with a nervous glance at the groom.
"The groom embarrasses you?" The count laughed. "Well, it is only agroom, an animal which does not understand these things."
"Besides, I do not play nearly so well as you would have mebelieve,"--steering him to safer channels.
"Whatever you undertake, Mademoiselle, becomes at once anart,"--gallantly. "Good night!"--and the count saluted her hand as hehelped her into the coupe.
How M'sieu Zhames would have liked to jump down and pommel Monsieur leComte! Several wicked thoughts surged through our jehu's brain, but toexecute any one of them in her presence was impossible.
"Good night, Count. I shall see you at dinner on Monday."
She would, eh? And her new butler would be on duty that same evening?Without a doubt. M'sieu Zhames vowed under his breath that if he got agood chance he would make the count look ridiculous. Not even a kingcan retain his dignity while a stream of hot soup is trickling down hisspinal column. Warburton smiled. He was mentally acting like aschool-boy disappointed in love. His own keen sense of the humorouscame to his rescue.
"James, to the city, No.--Scott Circle, and hurry." The door closed.
Scott Circle? Warburton's spine wrinkled. Heaven help him, he wasdriving Miss Annesley to his own brother's house! What the devil wasgetting into fate, anyhow? He swore softly all the way to theConnecticut Avenue extension. He made three mistakes before he struckSixteenth Street. Reaching Scott Circle finally, he had no difficultyin recognizing the house. He drew up at the stepping-stone, alightedand opened the door.
"I shall be gone perhaps an hour and a half, James. You may drivearound, but return sharply at ten-thirty." Betty ran up the steps andrang the bell.
Our jehu did _not_ wait to see the door open, but drove away,lickety-clip. I do not know what a mile lickety-clip is generally madein, but I am rather certain that the civil law demands twenty-fivedollars for the same. The gods were with him this time, and no onecalled him to a halt. When he had gone as far away from Scott Circle ashe dared go, his eye was attracted by a genial cigar sign. He hailed aboy to hold the horses and went inside. He bought a dozen cigars andlit one. He didn't even take the trouble to see if he could get thecigars for nothing, there being a penny-in-the-slot machine in onecorner of the shop. I am sure that if he ha
d noticed it, it would haveenticed him, for the spirit of chance was well-grounded in him, as itis in all Army men. But he hurried out, threw the boy a dime, and droveaway. For an hour and twenty minutes he drove and smoked and pondered.So she played the violin! played it wonderfully, as the count haddeclared. He was passionately fond of music. In London, in Paris, inBerlin, in Vienna, he had been an untiring, unfailing patron of theopera. Some night he resolved to listen at the window, providing thewindow was open. Yes, a hundred times Chuck was right. Any other girl,and this jest might have passed capitally; but he wanted the respect ofthis particular woman, and he had carelessly closed the doors to herregard. She might tolerate him, that would be all. She would look uponhim as a hobbledehoy.
He approached the curb again in front of the house, and gazed wistfullyat the lighted windows. Here was another great opportunity gone. How helonged to dash into the house, confess, and have done with it!
"I wish Chuck was in there. I wish he would come out and kick me goodand hearty."
(Chuck would have been delighted to perform the trifling service; andhe would not have gone about it with any timidity, either.)
"Hang the horses! I'm going to take a peek in at the side window,"--andhe slid cautiously from the box. He stole around the side and stoppedat one of the windows. The curtain was not wholly lowered, and he couldsee into the drawing-room. There they were, all of them; and MissAnnesley was holding the baby, which Mrs. Jack had awakened and broughtdown stairs. He could see by the diffident manner in which Jack wascurling the ends of his mustache that they were comparing the baby withhim. "The conceited ass!" muttered the self-appointed outcast; "itdoesn't look any more like him than it does like me!" Here MissAnnesley kissed the baby, and Warburton hoped that they hadn't washedits face since he performed the same act.
Mrs. Jack disappeared with the hope of the family, and Nancy got out abundle of photographs. M'sieu Zhames would have given almost anythinghe possessed to know what these photographs represented. Crane his neckas he would, he could see nothing. All he could do was to watch.Sometimes they laughed, sometimes they became grave; sometimes theyexplained, and their guest grew very attentive Once she even leanedforward eagerly. It was about this time that our jehu chanced to lookat the clock on the mantel, and immediately concluded to vacate thepremises. It was half after ten. He returned to his box forthwith. (Iwas going to use the word "alacrity," but I find that it means"cheerful readiness.") After what seemed to him an interminable wait,the front door opened and a flood of light blinded him. He heardNancy's voice.
"I'm so sorry, Betty, that I can't dine with you on Monday. We aregoing to Arlington. So sorry."
"I'm not!" murmured the wretch on the box. "I'm devilish glad! Imaginepassing soup to one's sister! By George, it was a narrow one! It wouldhave been all over then."
"Well, there will be plenty of times this winter," said Betty. "I shallsee you all at the Country Club Sunday afternoon. Good night, everyone. No, no; there's no need of any of you coming to the carriage."
But brother Jack _did_ walk to the door with her; however, he gave notthe slightest attention to the groom, for which _he_ was grateful.
"You must all come and spend the evening with me soon," said Betty,entering the carriage.
"That we shall," said brother Jack, closing the door for her. "Goodnight."
"Home, James," said the voice within the carriage.
I do not know whether or not he slept soundly that night on his stablecot. He never would confess. But it is my private opinion that hedidn't sleep at all, but spent a good part of the night out of doors,smoking very black, strong cigars.
Celeste, however, could have told you that her mistress, as sheretired, was in a most amiable frame of mind. Once she laughed.