I didn’t care.
He wasn’t horrified by the fact that I’d almost spewed out my girly thoughts; he wasn’t going to push me away, terrified over what I’d almost said. I slid my arms around his bare shoulders, marveling over the feel of his muscle under taunt skin.
In one quick turn, he flipped me over and my back was pressed into the soft mattress. Lewis’ hard body settled atop me. He felt lovely, so very wonderful, and the weight of him only made me feel protected when I’d felt so alone for so long.
His lips left my mouth and pressed to my jawline, lower to my neck. A delicious shiver of warmth spread across my body. I didn’t want to leave this room. I didn’t want to see anyone else. I just wanted to stay here… with him forever. He was back at my lips, pressing his mouth to mine.
“You are amazing,” he whispered.
“Yeah,” I said bitterly, my mood souring. “The source.”
He laughed, a warm breath of air that whispered across my lips. “No.” He shifted so he was laying beside me. “That’s not it.”
I started to move away, but his arm wrapped around my waist, trapping me next to him. “What you’ve done, the crap your parents have put you through, it has nothing to do with who you are.”
His gaze turned so serious that I didn’t dare look away.
“Those are their issues, their egos, their insecurities that they’re shoving onto you. Not yours. You know, deep down, who you are; what you’re capable of. You are strong. You are brave. You are good. You’ve proven it again and again.”
His words sent a tingle of warmth through my body, something that wiggled and whispered temptingly through my soul. It wasn’t about my powers. It wasn’t about what I could do to save my family, or the world. It was about me being a good, decent person and Lewis saw that.
I traced the line of his jaw. “Do you mean it?”
“Yes.”
I swallowed over the thick lump of emotion clogging my throat. No one had ever been so sure of me. My grandmother had worried I would do something wrong and destroy everything. Dad was all about brainwashing me into joining his cult. And at times Mom seemed to want me to be exactly like her. But Lewis accepted me, just me.
“You know,” I said, sliding my fingertips over his short buzz cut. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
He grinned right before he lowered his head and kissed me once more, this time softer, gentler. His tongue like warm silk, slid against my lips, sending a shudder of need through me. My fingers bit into his shoulders; I was desperate to keep him close. How badly I wished the world would fade away and leave us here, alone.
Much too soon he pulled back, settling comfortably next to me. He only wanted to share a bed, but I wanted more. Still, I knew now wasn’t the time. Who knew if there would ever be a right time. But for now I was content to just sleep beside him.
He reached out and turned off the light, throwing the room into darkness. When he lay on his back, I cuddled into his side, warm, happy, for the first time in days…weeks. For a brief moment I could forget the outside world.
“Cameron,” he whispered.
“Yeah?” I closed my eyes, growing suddenly drowsy.
“I love you too.”
My eyes burst open, but I didn’t dare move. The words pierced my heart like an arrow through a bull’s-eye. Had I misheard him? Dreamt the words?
“What?” I whispered, daring him to repeat what he’d said.
“I love you.”
Nope, no imagination. I grinned, my chest expanding with warmth and happiness.
As Lewis wrapped his arms around me, bringing me closer, in the back of my mind wiggled the annoying realization that this could all end at any moment. My father would not give up; he would track us down and when he did, I knew neither of us would surrender.
But for now, here with Lewis, I was just a girl in love for the first time.
****
Although I didn’t want to leave the comfort of Lewis’ arms and the privacy of the bedroom, when Nora came knocking just after the sun had risen I couldn’t deny I was eager to learn more about my abilities. Yes, I was in love for the first time, but let’s face it, war was coming and as wonderful as our feelings were, they weren’t going to save anyone.
I’d been surprised when Nora had stayed behind with Lewis and Aaron, while I found myself in the car with Mom, heading toward Tybee Island. Although I was grateful to be away from the compound, to be clean and wearing a normal T-shirt and shorts, it was still an awkward drive. We didn’t say a word the entire twenty minutes; I had nothing to say and apparently neither did she. I couldn’t tell if she was still angry and frankly I didn’t care. I’d done what I had to and I wouldn’t regret my actions. Not now, and not even when my dad attacked... which he eventually would.
Mom slowed as a family on bikes rode across the road, the mother in front, and a father taking up the back. The children were young, maybe five and eight as they peddled their little hearts out. It was an uncomfortably silence that followed as we watched them disappear around a corner. I knew what she was thinking…time lost. We would never have that happy little family.
I slid mom a glance, but she didn’t bother to look my way as she started down the street once more. What was done was done, I supposed. Time to move on. Forget about the past; we had more important things to worry about, like whether there would be a future.
“We need to be ready.” Mom finally broke the silence as we pulled into Sierra’s driveway. Had she read my mind? I wouldn’t be surprised. I still wasn’t quite sure what she was capable of. But she was right, we did need to be ready and when the time was right, I planned on taking care of my father once and for all.
“When will he attack?”
I knew she had some sort of an idea. As Nora said, Mom always seemed to know things we didn’t. Whether it was from her powers, or the spies they had placed in the compound, I wasn’t sure. Whenever I asked, she found some way to brush off my questions. Maybe she didn’t trust me, or maybe she worried that if caught again, I’d divulge more information.
“John is recuperating. The attack really affected him, although he’s barely told a soul. They think he has the flu.”
I found no satisfaction in the fact that I’d won the battle against my father. How could I rejoice over harming my own dad? If anything, I felt ill because I knew more was to come. Yep, we put the ‘D’ in dysfunctional family. “Are you getting the information from Tara?”
Her jaw clenched as she turned off the car, the area settling into silence. She rarely showed emotion, but I could see the pain in her gaze and it startled me. “No. Tara is off the radar.”
What the heck did that mean?
Before I could ask, Mom opened the door and stepped outside.
Off the radar.
I pushed open my door and followed. She couldn’t mean—but I knew she did—Tara had been caught. Because of me. The guilt I was so sure I would never feel came rushing forward. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath as the weight of shame fell heavily upon my chest.
“No regrets,” my mom demanded. She stood tall and firm on the other side of the car. “In this world we don’t have time for them. You did what you thought was best. It’s time to move on. Time to prepare for their next attack.”
What I thought was best, but I knew none of them agreed with what I had done. How could they not blame me for Tara’s disappearance? I sure as hell blamed myself. I slammed my door shut and moved around the front of the car. Why had I accepted Tara’s help?
Because I’d needed it. I wouldn’t have escaped without Maddox, without Tara, without so many others. “Tara’s children?” I was almost afraid to ask, but I had to know. Yeah, I hadn’t grown up with them, but they were my half-siblings.
Mom started down the boardwalk that ran the length of Sierra’s cottage. “They’re being tested to see if they have the powers.”
Her words left me ill. I’d known the moment I met them that they were mind readers. I
had no doubt my dad would uncover the truth. Then who knew what would happen to them. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wooden railing, a wave of failure almost taking me under.
Dad would have no qualms about testing them to the point of torture. If they survived, he would turn them into mini S.P.I. agents. I’d have an entire new generation of family to fight. It would never end.
What kind of life would those children have? I found my mom and watched the way she moved toward the beach, so sure in her abilities and her beliefs. She was strong; she didn’t let the guilt get her down. Yeah, she had sent me away, but by sending me away I could grudgingly admit she might have saved me. Saved me from a childhood of fighting, a childhood of pain.
I curled my hands, my fingernails digging into the weather-worn railing. The worst part was that I knew I’d do it all over again. I had put everyone else, including myself, in danger to save my boyfriend, and I’d do it all again.
I pushed away from the railing and followed my mother. The roar of the waves combined with the cry of gulls and offered a familiar comfort. There was something about the ocean that calmed me, always had. It was in my blood, Grandma used to say. Thoughts of Grandma had my heart clenching, twisting painfully in my chest. I pressed my hand to my breast, as if that could stop the ache. Her family had come from Cornwall, England. Fishermen, she’d said. I wondered where my mother’s family came from. There was so little I truly knew about her.
I moved off the boardwalk and followed the path through the thick beach grass wavering on the early morning breeze. Mom paused at the water’s edge. She was silent and still, and I wondered what she was thinking. I kicked off my flip-flops, my feet sinking into the cool sand. The sun hadn’t risen high enough to warm the particles, but soon the heat would bring the world to life. Everything would go on whether I survived or not.
“When will he be here?” I asked.
“We have time. I’ll let you know when to worry.”
Ha, right. As if I could just set aside my anxiety. “So, how does this work?”
The wind tore her hair from her ponytail, tossing he dark strands around her face. “What?”
“This being the carrier of the source.” Sensing a whisper of energy, I glanced behind us. Sierra was watering the plants on her deck. My powers were growing; I felt the energy more often now… coming as easily as a breeze. She gave me a wide smile, but remained put, obviously knowing my mother and I needed time alone. “Is Nora the carrier of the source as well?”
“No. Just you.”
I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Should I be honored? I didn’t feel honored.
I glanced at Mom. “Just us.” Her gaze flickered to me. We had something else in common other than our looks; we were both carriers of the source. But why? Why had it chosen me? I was reckless… I was selfish… I didn’t deserve the power.
“Why?” I whispered.
“Why you?”
I nodded.
“I wondered the same thing when I was chosen over my sister.”
Mom had a sister? What else did I not know? I had a feeling there was an awful lot.
She shrugged and gazed out upon the ocean. “The universe chooses. We know little about why, but what’s been mentioned over the centuries. The only thing I do know is that it’s passed down through families. I received my powers when I turned sixteen. My mom was eighteen. But with you… you were five when I felt it … when I knew it had chosen you to be the next carrier.”
Five?So young. It explained why she’d given me to Grandma at that age. I could remember, barely, meeting my grandma for the first time. How scared I’d been.
“It won’t be forever, okay?” Mom’s whispered promise came back to me. It hadn’t been forever, but it had been much longer than I’d expected. When I’d heard that Mom had died, I’d finally given up on the thought of a happily ever after.
“How did you know I was the next carrier?”
“I knew right away you had the ability.” She smiled as we started to walk along the shore. “I could see it in you. John,” Her smile fell. “He didn’t realize and I never told him. It was just a… knowing. A feeling.”
I understood. I’d had the same reaction at times; a shimmering of awareness that whispered through me. “Did you ever love him?”
She paused at the shore, close enough for the water to chill our toes. For a long moment she just stood there, watching a shrimp boat move across the horizon, a swarm of hungry gulls following in its wake, hoping for a snack. I wondered if she would ignore my question, or maybe she hadn’t heard me.
“Yes, I loved him,” she finally admitted. “And when I realized that he’d only married me to produce someone who would carry the source, it broke my heart.”
Her voice held no emotion and her face remained a clean slate void of feeling, but I believed her. He had broken her heart and I hated him even more for it. “He only wanted the power.”
She nodded. “He lied to us all. His father had been working for S.P.I., and even his grandfather.”
A long line of treachery. I shivered, wrapping my arms around myself. “When did you find out?”
“When Nora was a toddler, right after you’d been born.” She took off her sweatshirt and tossed it toward the dry sand, out of reach of the tide. I couldn’t imagine being a mother of a baby and toddler, only to find out everything in your life was a lie. Had she been scared? There was nothing but hard assuredness in her eyes now. Her body was lean; muscles easily visible under her tank top and shorts. But she’d been young once. Young and alone.
“It killed me, Cameron. Almost destroyed me.”
Would I be able to do the same thing… send away someone I loved in order to protect them?
“I could give up on life, or I could survive. And I realized that I had to live, for you and for Nora. It’s why I sent you away.” She lowered herself to the sand, sitting casually, as if we were going to have a picnic or something. “It was the only way to protect you, and as a parent, that is my job… to protect you no matter what. Always.”
I settled in the sand next to her, my body weak with emotion. For the first time in my life, I felt like maybe I truly had a mother; a parent who cared. Overcome, I looked away, staring at the crashing waves. The situation was unsettling; I wasn’t sure what to say or do. Perhaps my life hadn’t been exactly what I’d wanted, but I couldn’t deny that I suddenly had a family and I finally had answers.
“And Grandma?”
“John’s mother?”
I nodded.
“I wouldn’t have sent you with her unless I’d trusted her. She was tired of the life she’d been forced to live. She didn’t want the same for you. I knew she was the last place John would look. And it worked, for a while.”
Grandma had given up her husband, her son, her life, and all for me. The sudden sting of tears burned my eyes. Maybe if I’d listened to Grandma… maybe… maybe none of this would have happened and she’d be safe. But if I had listened to her, would I know Lewis? Would I have been reunited with my mom? It was a no win situation.
“You’re upset,” she said, her voice hesitant, as if she wasn’t quite sure how to proceed with me.
“Yeah.” I laughed, a harsh sound that frightened away a seagull getting close.
“About?”
I dug my fingers into the cool sand, needing to hold onto something. But the sand seeped from my palm, slipping between my fingers and falling to the beach. “It seems like no matter what I do, someone suffers.” I sniffed, angry at myself for caring. Hadn’t I sworn to no longer let my emotions rule my actions? Easier said than done.
My mom reached out, taking my hand in hers and surprising me. “You know what to do, deep down. You know who you are. You just need to believe in yourself.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m special,” I muttered, not really in the mood for a pep talk.
She let go of my hand and reached out, brushing a loose lock of hair from my face. “We are all special, we are all co
ursing with the energy. It’s just that some of us are better at controlling it. You were chosen, Cameron, to help those around you. The energy is there, it’s always been there. You just have to believe in yourself, and if you do, amazing things will happen.”
A small white butterfly floated by. Mom lifted her hand to the breeze. The tiny insect floated to her fingertips, resting there. “If you trust in yourself, others will trust in you. Even a tiny butterfly. If you are calm within, the world will be calm around you.”
“And how do I do that?” I asked, mesmerized by the way the butterfly trusted her.
“You find that inner peace deep within you. You connect with the world, with life. You learn who you truly are meant to be.”
I took in a deep trembling breath. She’d opened up to me, she’d told me more than I’d ever expected. She’d been honest. But would she tell me everything? The butterfly lifted and floated away.
“Tell me the truth,” I whispered. “Is grandma dead?”
My mom gazed out onto the water. For one long moment, she remained silent. The weight of that pause almost did me in. She didn’t need to say the words. Even if I hadn’t already known deep down, I felt the answer in the energy around us, the subtlest shift.
So why, when she finally replied, “Yes,” did that one word break my heart?
Chapter 17
I felt Lewis’ presence before I saw him. A whisper of awareness that covered me like a warm blanket; an awareness that was uniquely his. My entire being reacted when he was near, as if I no longer had control. He had somehow branded my heart, seeped into my soul, and I had a feeling I would know him forever.
“How’d you find me?” I asked, glancing up at him as he settled upon the sand. He wore jeans and a gray T-shirt that hugged his lean torso. Even though we didn’t touch, I could still feel his heat; smell that scent that was only his.
He was alive and well. I didn’t dare think about what would have happened had he not survived. I didn’t want to need him; I didn’t want to need anyone. But I could admit, to myself, that I was glad he was there. I pressed my toes into the sand as I waited for his response.