“Haylee,” I said, my voice full of warning.
“No, sorry, we can’t do that. Mother would be angry,” she said.
“Why?”
“It’s a long story,” Haylee said. “It goes back to birth.”
She turned away, and he followed her as she returned to the front of the house.
“You all right?” Matt asked.
“Yes, very much all right. Don’t worry,” I said. He took my hand, and we followed them.
Haylee and Jimmy kissed good night so passionately, his hands moving all over her, especially her rear end, that Matt and I looked away, embarrassed. We got into his SUV and silently stared ahead.
Jimmy came around and knocked on Matt’s window when Haylee got into the rear after another passionate kiss. They looked more like two vampires drawing blood out of each other’s lips. Matt rolled the window down.
“I hope you saw more than some constellation tonight,” Jimmy said.
“I did. I saw something more beautiful.”
“Yeah, yeah. Save it for your emails. Later,” he said, and stepped away as Matt backed out of the driveway.
Jimmy waved to us. Haylee barely waved back. “It’s so embarrassing having to go home so early,” she said. “I hope you two had a good time, at least, although I doubt it was as good as we had.”
I turned around. “We did.”
“Sure. At least we made a party out of it.”
“I don’t think we should give Mother too much detail about our party, Haylee. You know you can say the wrong things when you brag.”
“Don’t worry. You tell her about the party. I’ll be too tired,” she promised, and sat back. She was sobering up quickly now, and I could see that made her even angrier than having to go home early.
I turned back and looked out my window as we passed more homes. It was interesting how houses could look as tired as people at the end of the day, their lights dimming, with fewer signs of activity in and around them. Inside most of them were families asleep or going to bed, families with parents who still loved and cared for each other and lived to protect and enjoy their children. I felt more like a foreigner dropped in a strange land and told to find her way alone, protected and strengthened only with past memories that were dwindling. I feared the truth: tomorrow might not replace yesterday. No matter what I was told, it could be disappointing.
“The Jacksons have a nice house,” Matt said. I thought he was uncomfortable with the silence and would say anything that might revive conversation.
“It’s all right,” Haylee said, making sure that Matt knew she wasn’t impressed. “It’s half the size of ours, I think.”
“I guess you wouldn’t be impressed with mine. It’s not bigger than the Jacksons’.”
“Invite me over, and I’ll see,” Haylee countered. “I might even watch that movie with you.”
I looked back at her. How could she leave one boy and flirt with another within minutes, and my boyfriend to boot? She smiled gleefully, but after that, no one spoke until we were home. Matt drove slowly up the driveway and stopped.
Haylee groaned. “Home sour home,” she said. “We’ve got to get her to let us stay out past midnight, Kaylee. We’re the only ones in our class with this stupid curfew.”
“I wouldn’t push it tonight,” I said.
“No, I know you wouldn’t,” she replied bitterly, and opened her door. She paused. “Well? Give him a real kiss good night so he dreams of you, at least,” she said.
“I’ll dream of her, no matter what,” Matt said.
“Oh, you’re so easy,” she told him, and got out.
“Sorry,” I said. “I hope Mother can’t tell what she’s done.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow, and you can give me a full report.” He leaned over and did kiss me softly. “I had a great time, Kaylee.”
“So did I. Despite my sister,” I said. He smiled, and I got out.
Haylee was standing and waiting for me, obviously wanting me to be the first one Mother greeted. Matt waved and backed out. I watched him drive off and then turned to her.
“Just be tired but not so tired that she’ll decide we were out too late or something,” I warned.
“I can’t stand this. No other girls in our class have to go through this third degree, I’m sure. Their parents trust them.”
“Or they’re too selfish to worry,” I said. I started away, but before we could reach the door, Mother opened it the way she would open our bedroom door or our bathroom door when we were younger. It was always as if she expected to catch us doing something she wouldn’t like us doing. Whether we were or not, it made us both nervous and made us feel guilty just brushing our teeth or washing our faces.
“Why are you two taking so long to come in?” she demanded.
“We were waving good night to Matt,” I said.
In the glow of the front light, her face took on a yellowish tint filled with that usual suspicion. She was wearing a light blue robe and blue slippers, and her hair looked as if she had been running her fingers through it for hours.
“Get inside,” she ordered, and stepped away. Heads down, we entered the house, and she closed the door as if she was afraid we’d be followed in by some evil spirit. She approached us quickly and ran her gaze over our faces. “Well? Did you drink anything alcoholic or do any drugs?”
“No, Mother,” I said, speaking for myself but making it sound like I was speaking for us both. “It’s a nice house. We were practically the only ones who helped clean up, but we left earlier than just about everyone, so we don’t know how they’ll leave it.”
“That’s the Jacksons’ problem. They approved having a party in their home,” she said. I think she quickly realized how cold that sounded. “But it was nice that you showed some responsibility. You didn’t get that from your father. What you’ll learn, and I hope quickly, is that men and responsibility are almost antonyms.”
“Antonyms?” Haylee said.
“Opposites,” I muttered.
“Oh, right. That’s funny, Mother.”
“It’s not meant to be funny. It’s reality.” Mother studied her a little more. “What did you do at this party?”
“Oh, we watched a wonderful movie,” I said. “To Kill a Mockingbird.”
“You watched a movie?”
“The Jacksons have a great media room. We had pizza and sodas, and there was music afterward,” I told her. Nothing was a lie.
“Well, your father was always talking about constructing a media room, but that was just another empty promise. You’d better go to bed now,” she said. “I want to go shopping tomorrow and spend some of his money. I need some new things, and so do you.”
I glanced at Haylee. She still had her eyes down, which I feared was fanning the flames of Mother’s suspicions.
“Thanks, Mother,” I said. “Good night.” I reached for Haylee’s hand. “We had a nice time,” I added, nudging her.
“Thanks, Mother. Good night,” she mimicked, and we walked quickly to the stairway. I felt like a smuggler who had successfully gone through the TSA checkpoint.
Haylee rushed up ahead of me. I thought she was going to collapse into bed, but she surprised me. She turned to me, her face full of fresh excitement, eyes lit again like candle wicks that had been blown out moments ago.
“I can’t stand holding it all in.”
“What?”
“I’m getting into my pajamas, and when Mother goes to sleep, I’ll come into your room.”
“Why?” I asked. “What is it?”
“I did it,” she said.
“Did it?”
“Twice!” she said, and rushed off to her room, leaving me standing there stunned. I moved quickly to my room when I heard Mother turning lights off and heading for the stairway. I knew she would look in on us before she went to bed. She stopped in my doorway first. I had just slipped into my pajamas and was heading for the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face.
“
It was so much easier and more wonderful when you two shared a room,” she said.
“We can’t be little girls forever, Mother.”
“I know. It’s a pity,” she said. “Families should be frozen in time when they are the happiest. Time has a way of eroding things.”
She stepped in to kiss me good night and brushed back my hair, smiled at some memory, and went on to Haylee’s room. I hoped she had at least washed away any traces of smoke and brushed her teeth before doing anything else. She had to; I didn’t. I kept listening for Mother’s voice being raised, but I heard nothing out of the ordinary. She dimmed the hallway lights and went to her room.
When I came out of the bathroom, Haylee was waiting, sprawled on my bed. The happy expression of excitement, revealing how she was nearly exploding with the need to tell me something, annoyed me. I had enjoyed my time with Matt. I liked him very much, and thinking about how we were together made me feel warm all over, eager to go to sleep and to dream. Haylee, on the other hand, looked like she would stay up all night talking. There was also that familiar “I’m ahead of you” look that irritated me so much.
“So what did you mean?” I began, folding some clothes I had left out and putting away my shoes.
“Sit down, for God’s sake, Kaylee. I have a lot to tell you.”
“It’s getting late,” I said. “Mother is going to wake us up early. You heard her.”
“Will you stop being such a child? I lost my virginity tonight,” she blurted. “That’s what I meant.”
I knew it; I just didn’t want to hear about it, but I could see that would be impossible. “Why did you do that? You hardly know him,” I said.
“That’s not important. He’s not bad-looking, and he’s no virgin. He was a good boy to lose my virginity with. I’ve heard stories girls like Toby Sue and Melanie tell about how painful it was and how they bled and how they were so sore afterward. They made it sound more like losing a tooth or something. Melanie hasn’t had sex since, for example. How good is that? The boys they were with probably were losing their virginity at the same time, so they didn’t know what they were doing. They were like ‘slam, bam, thank you, ma’am’ lovers, if you could even call them lovers.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s an old expression Toby Sue told me. It means the boy has an orgasm before you do and then just says thanks and good-bye. Selfish and inexperienced boys, that is. I knew Jimmy was experienced.”
“How?”
“Val Hepworth told me she did it with him a few weeks ago at her house, and it was great. She did it with him because Paige Blackman had done it with him and told her about it and how good it was.”
“So that’s why you began flirting with him?”
“He was flirting with me,” she said, insulted. “I didn’t give him the time of day until I wanted to.”
I sat on my bed, and she sat up and backed up against my pillow and headboard, spreading her legs.
“I’m a little sore, but I didn’t bleed,” she bragged.
“I thought that always happens.”
“If your hymen has not been broken, it usually does, but I have one of those vibrators.”
“What?”
“You remember. I showed you pictures of them in that magazine at Toby Sue’s.”
“How did you get one?”
“Paige gave it to me. Her mother had three of them, and she swiped one for me.”
“Ugh,” I said, recoiling. “You took someone else’s vibrator?”
“I cleaned it well. Don’t worry.”
“Where is it?”
“Taped under my bed. Mother will never find it. Anyway, it made a big difference. I’ll give it to you, and you can prepare yourself for the big night.”
“I don’t want it. I don’t want to think of it like that.”
“Right. You want to be floating on a cloud with violins playing. Don’t be such a child, Kaylee.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“Stop being it, then,” she said. She pouted a moment and then smiled again. “I wasn’t sure I was going to do it tonight. I thought I would come close and wait maybe until the next time, but he’s good. He didn’t force himself on me or anything. We went to his bedroom, and when we were kissing, he brought my hand to his penis. I didn’t even know he had taken it out.”
“I don’t think I want to hear this,” I said.
“Sure you do. Stop it. You need to know these things. Just be happy it’s me telling you and not some jealous girlfriend or somebody. Anyway, it aroused me quickly, and before I knew it, he was undoing my dress and slipping my panties off. I unhooked my bra. I thought it would ruin things for him to fumble about, you know?”
“Haylee, I can’t believe you’re telling me this.”
“Believe it. He didn’t even get undressed for a while, but he was kissing me everywhere, and I mean everywhere, Kaylee. When he went down here, I thought I would pass out. My heart was pounding so hard, and the room seemed to be spinning. Then he got undressed. He had what he needed in the drawer next to his bed.”
“How convenient. That means he’s had other girls in his room.”
“So? I told you he was experienced, didn’t I?”
“Didn’t it bother you that he was with other girls?”
“Why should it? We weren’t engaged or anything. Anyway, he knew I was a virgin, of course.”
“How did he know?”
“He knew.”
“You told him that?”
“He kept telling me how important it was to relax,” she continued, ignoring my question. “Especially down here,” she said, holding her hands over her pelvis. “He told me he would be gentle and careful. When he started, I didn’t want him to be gentle. I think he was surprised at how good I was,” she said proudly. “Oh, and he told me not to worry about any bleeding, because we’d wash and change the sheets.”
“How considerate.”
“He was impressed that I didn’t bleed,” she said, smiling. “That’s when I told him about Paige’s mother’s vibrator.”
“You told him that, too? I’m getting sick to my stomach,” I said. “Let’s go to sleep.”
“There’s more, Kaylee. You should listen. I’m sure you’ll be doing it with Matt Tesler.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Well, if you don’t, maybe I will. He’s not bad-looking.”
I could feel the blood rise up my neck and into my face. “I want to go to sleep. I’m tired, Haylee.”
“Don’t you want to hear about the second time? Jimmy was very impressed that I wanted to do it again so soon.”
“I’m glad you scored points with him. You can be sure he’ll be spreading the news, and we’ll both have to live with that.”
“You’re right. He probably will brag. I don’t know why boys can brag about their sex lives, but we can’t. It’s not fair.”
“I’ll take it up with the United Nations in the morning,” I said, and stood to indicate that she should leave my room.
She stared at me a moment, her eyelids narrowing with suspicion. “You like boys, right? I don’t want to learn I have inherited something with you.”
“I like boys, Haylee. Don’t worry about it.”
“Good,” she said. “Okay. You sleep on it, and we’ll talk about it again. You’ll thank me, that’s for sure.”
“If Mother ever heard about this—”
Her eyes nearly exploded as Haylee’s Comet arrived. “Don’t you even think about telling her anything!”
“I wouldn’t. Of course not. I would suffer just as much as you would. We both know that. I’m simply saying that if Jimmy Jackson brags and other boys talk about you and it gets to someone’s parents and then they tell another and another, it could wind its way back to our front door.”
She relaxed, looking a little worried now. “That won’t happen, and if it does, I’ll deny it and say he was just trying to look big. And you’ll back me up, right? Right?
”
“Yes, Haylee. We always defend each other, remember?”
“As long as you remember,” she said. She paused in the doorway on her way out. “The point I was trying to make before you spoiled it, Kaylee, was that I enjoyed it, very much. I feel . . . older, too, like when I got my first period.” She thought a moment, smiled, and added, “You don’t have to worry about my going after your Matt Tesler. I’m no longer interested in boys who are virgins.”
“How do you know he is?”
“I can tell. Once you do it, you can tell,” she said. “It’s like you got a new pair of eyes, eyes that can see a lot more. Sweet dreams, sister dear,” she said, and went to her bedroom.
Her words hung there for a few moments, but they didn’t just go away. When I put out the light and lay back on my pillow, I couldn’t help thinking about her description of sex between her and Jimmy. I saw myself doing it, but with Matt. Surely it would be different, I thought. Despite how good she said it made her feel, it still seemed more like she was getting something out of the way, more of an initiation than an act of love. That wasn’t the way I wanted sex to be for me, and if I came off as more of a prude as a result, so be it.
When I finally did close my eyes, I felt suddenly relieved and even happy.
There was no doubt.
Haylee and I were identical twins, but we were as different as girls from two separate families.
9
Mother was dressed and ready to go shopping even before Haylee and I went down to have breakfast. She had her hair pinned up severely. From the way she was banging pans and slamming drawers, I knew something was bothering her. I hadn’t heard our phone ringing, and she was rarely on Daddy’s computer for emails, so I didn’t think someone had contacted her to tell her something about us or Daddy that would upset her. Haylee and I looked at each other and meekly moved through the kitchen to get our juice. Mother always laid out the vitamins she wanted us to take in two perfect rows beside our juice glasses.
“I’m making scrambled eggs,” she announced, in a tone that told us Don’t dare object. She wasn’t even looking at us. She stirred the eggs and milk like a witch driven by rage rushing her brew.