“Where are they?”
“Downstairs, eating dessert as if nothing happened,” I said.
“What do you want me to do now?”
“Just go home,” I said. “The party’s over.”
“You’re mad at me.”
“I don’t know what I am,” I said.
I picked up the contraceptive wrapper and started out. He followed me down the stairs.
The two of them looked up at us with their mouths full of tiramisu.
“This is delicious,” Jimmy said.
“Do you want any?” I asked Matt. He shook his head. He looked ashamed now instead of angry—ashamed and embarrassed.
“I’d better go,” he said. He threw an angry glare at Jimmy, who just kept smiling and eating. Then he turned to leave, and I followed him out.
“If you start a fight with him, he’ll probably tell everyone what happened,” I said at the front door.
“He probably will anyway. He’s a jerk and a half.” He started to lean toward me to kiss me good night and then stopped. “I’m sorry,” he said, and went quickly to his SUV. He didn’t look back at me. He seemed eager to get away.
After he left, I went into the kitchen and took out the food I’d been planning to give him and put it with the rest of the wasted food in a big garbage bag.
Haylee came to the kitchen doorway as I worked.
“Jimmy’s going to take that trash bag and dump it for us so Mother doesn’t accidentally see it or something.”
“Do what you want,” I said. I put the last of the dishes and silverware into the dishwasher and walked past her and up the stairs.
When I stepped into my room, I stood staring at the rumpled sheets and pillows. How would I sleep in it and not think of what she had done? I sat on the bed, thinking. She had heard me leave and came in and saw the unused condom. If I had settled on the yes instead of the no, this wouldn’t have happened. Should I blame myself, too?
I didn’t realize I was crying until the first tear dripped off my chin. Instantly, I rose and went to the bathroom to wash my face and prepare for bed. I changed into a pair of pajamas, the exact same pair Haylee had, of course. Suddenly, everything we shared seemed dirty to me. But what could I do about it? Just before I got into bed, she came to my door.
“Jimmy left.”
I didn’t respond. I got into bed.
“I made sure everything was clean in the dining room and the living room.”
I was quiet.
“It was all just fun, Kaylee. It’s not as big a deal as you think. Get over it. He’ll feel guilty about it anyway, and you’ll have him wrapped around your finger for as long as you want.”
“I don’t want to wrap anyone around my finger, Haylee. That’s not my idea of a boyfriend. Besides,” I said, now sitting up, “what kind of a boyfriend is Jimmy if he thinks it’s funny that you made love with another boy, practically right in front of him?”
“Take a hint. If I cared anything about him really, I wouldn’t have done it. He’s too immature for me. He was only good for a few laughs,” she said. “I’ll probably give him his walking papers this week. If you dump Matt, maybe I’ll toy with him for a while.”
“What?”
“Tomorrow let’s just talk up how everyone loved Mother’s food. She’ll ask fewer questions. Good night, sister dear,” she said, and went to her room.
I lay back and stared at the ceiling. My brain felt as if it had turned into a little merry-go-round. I had to close my eyes to keep my head from spinning.
The best thing I could do was fall asleep and get out of this reality.
But I was just as afraid of what I might dream.
11
I didn’t want to entirely blame Matt for what had happened. I told myself that whatever Jimmy had put in our drinks had the most to do with it, but of course, in the back of my mind was the question of why Matt still couldn’t tell the difference between Haylee and me. Was Mother right about us? That to be happy in this world, we had to embrace our similarities and reject our differences? For most of our lives, she had us convinced that no one could look at one of us without seeing both of us. Could either of us at a moment’s notice become the other? It certainly wasn’t something I wanted to be true, and I had no doubt Haylee felt the same way.
Matt didn’t call me in the morning as I was hoping he would. Twice I started to call him, but I stopped myself both times. I imagined he was still feeling confused and guilty and wasn’t ready to talk about it. I did worry that he would go after Jimmy, and I mentioned that to Haylee when she came out of her room in the morning.
“If he sees him somewhere tonight and something terrible happens, it will bring lots of attention to us. Mother will find out everything.”
“Don’t worry. He won’t see him tonight,” she said as we were going down to breakfast. “Jimmy’s going out with his older brother, who’s home on leave. He’s twenty and in the navy.” Her eyes lit up. “We could probably go with them and have a great time if you’d help me convince Mother. We’ll tell her it’s another house party or something.”
I stared at her, my face clearly saying, Are you serious?
“What?” she asked, as if she had no idea why I would be surprised.
“What? You want me to do something with Jimmy after what he did to Matt and me last night? And what you did?”
“You lived. It was just a little fun, Kaylee. You’ve got to get over it. It didn’t mean anything.”
“It didn’t mean anything? Does having sex mean so little to you now?”
“I meant nobody got hurt.”
“Really? I’m nobody?”
“Oh, please. Don’t be such a child.”
“Find something new to say, Haylee. That’s so worn out that it doesn’t even make my eardrums tremble.” I started away.
“You’d better not look upset this morning. She’ll be all over us, and you’ll be in just as much trouble as me,” she called after me.
I paused to look back at her and shake my head. Then I continued down to the kitchen, feeling as if my insides had been twisted like rubber bands. She was right, of course. I couldn’t show how upset I was, no matter how much I wanted to. As it turned out, it didn’t matter. It was difficult, if not impossible, to reveal any unhappiness. Mother was up early making us breakfast and obviously very happy that she had gone to the Clarks’ dinner party. We sat at the table, almost stunned at the way she was going on about it. It had been a long time since we had seen her this excited about anything. What surprised us the most was how little she interrogated us about our party. It was as if she had forgotten about it.
Melissa Clark had introduced her to her older brother, Darren, who had been divorced for more than a year. Apparently, he had dominated Mother’s attention at the dinner party. What she liked about him, besides his being divorced and therefore sharing the experience, was that he had no children.
“When you get involved with a man who has children from his previous marriage, you’re in for a lot of grief,” she told us.
She was off and running on one of her long diatribes about the dangers of romance, no matter how old you were. She didn’t even pay attention to our reactions. We could have been mannequins for all she seemed to care, but neither of us wanted to interrupt her and start her asking questions about our party. The longer she ignored it, the better we felt.
“Men aren’t as complicated as they’d like you to think they are. Most men are very obvious about their intentions. You’ve just got to be alert and not obvious about how much you’re hoping for something to be nice. They take advantage of that. Desperate women do desperate things, things they often regret their whole lives.
“Now, Darren Paul is a relatively easy-to-read man and quite gentle. By the time the evening was over, I must admit that I felt sorrier for him than I did for myself. Not that I have that much to feel sorry about. Sometimes when you have disappointments in life, it turns out to be more of an advantage than you c
ould have dreamed. As long as you learn from your experiences, good ones and bad, you can look forward to being more successful in the future.
“Anyway, to come to the point, I agreed to go to dinner with Darren tonight. I imagine you have some leftovers from the party?”
I looked at Haylee. She was the expert when it came to lies and rationalizations, not only in coming up with them but also in looking so honest as she rattled them off.
“Oh. Everyone went crazy over your food and devoured it all,” she said quickly.
“All?”
“There wasn’t enough worth saving.”
“I always forget how much teenagers can eat. Well, I’m glad of that. And from what I see, you girls took good care of the house. I’ll get dinner for you done ahead of time. No worries.”
“Maybe you won’t have to,” Haylee quickly interjected.
“Why not?”
“Melanie Rosen asked if we wanted to go to the movies tonight. Her boyfriend is a senior. He has his own car. They could pick us up, and we can get something to eat at the mall.”
Mother looked at me first. I did my best not to look surprised. “Who is Melanie Rosen’s boyfriend?”
“Barry Weiner,” Haylee said quickly, because she knew I had no idea who Melanie was going with this week. “He’s on the basketball team, and he’s the baseball team’s star pitcher.”
“Weiner? I don’t know the Weiners.” Mother’s suspicious eyes returned. They seemed always to rise out of a secret place in her head, the way bubbles rose to the surface of water. “Why would she want you to go along on her date? I’ve heard of third wheels but not fourth.”
I saw Haylee’s face tighten. She looked to me for help, but I looked down at my food instead. I wasn’t in the mood to help her out of any swamp she stepped in.
“Were you planning on meeting someone you don’t want me to know about?” Mother demanded when Haylee took too long to reply. Her fears about our potential misbehavior always haunted her.
“No,” Haylee said, but she had already opened the doors to Mother’s distrust. I saw Haylee’s eyes roll as she scrambled for explanations. “It’s not a big date. It’s just the movies. Melanie asked us, and Barry said fine. He’d pick us up and take us home.”
Mother turned back to me. “What about that nice boy Matt Tesler?” she asked. “I know you both like him. Wasn’t he here last night?”
“Yes,” I said.
“He has something to do with his family tonight,” Haylee blurted. “Otherwise, he would have taken us.”
Mother studied her. Haylee did have what Daddy used to call a “poker face.” Of course, he said we both did, even though I knew in my heart that he meant only Haylee. My face was more like a goldfish bowl, with all my thoughts swimming in clear view.
“I don’t like you going with someone without my meeting him first,” Mother said. “Especially someone driving you somewhere. I’m not trying to spoil your fun. You might not yet appreciate what an added burden a divorced woman with children your age has. Whatever good things happen to you will be credited to me, but you can be sure that whatever bad things happen will now be blamed solely on me, especially by your father.”
“Mother’s right,” I said, before Haylee could come up with another idea. I knew what she really wanted was for Melanie and her boyfriend to pick us up and drop us off wherever Jimmy and his brother were. The air was leaking out of her plan. She seemed to wilt in her chair. “You remember how we talked about just this sort of thing, Haylee, and how we felt sorry for Mother having the whole burden on her shoulders.”
I smiled as Haylee nodded reluctantly.
“You’re the one who actually said it first,” I added. It was like sticking pins in a voodoo doll. Her eyes looked as cold and still as marbles.
“That’s very thoughtful of you girls. You can invite Melanie and her boyfriend over anytime when I can meet him,” Mother said. “I’m a very good judge of people, your father being the sole exception.”
Haylee forced another smile, and although the words were bitter lemons in her mouth, she said, “Okay. We’ll do that.”
Mother smiled again. Then her eyes brightened more with a new idea. “Maybe Mr. Paul and I could drop you off at the movie theater and pick you up afterward,” she considered aloud.
“Oh, no, Mother. We don’t want you to have to rush your dinner or anything,” Haylee said. “It’s not that important. Kaylee and I will amuse ourselves.”
“Yes. Very thoughtful. It’s good that you are not selfish like most teenagers.”
Haylee avoided looking at me and ate her breakfast, while Mother continued to describe her evening, the food that was served, and some of the other guests. She gave us bullet-point descriptions of the women she liked and those she thought were phonies. I couldn’t help but be intrigued by how she always circled back to Darren Paul, whom we would meet when he came to pick her up for dinner. She started to plan what we should wear to meet him.
“First impressions are like cement most of the time,” she advised us. “Naturally, I bragged about you whenever I could, but I don’t believe I exaggerated. So I’d like him to spend a little time getting to know you before we go out.”
“Sounds serious,” Haylee blurted, mostly under her breath but bitterly. Then she looked up quickly and shrugged. “He won’t be here long when he comes to pick you up. What difference does it make what we wear?”
“It’s the men you don’t treat seriously who end up disappointing you. A few good minutes could be worth a lifetime of happiness or unhappiness. I want him to see how well I’ve brought you up, really all on my own, and I would like to see how he reacts to meeting you. You can tell a great deal about people from the way their children look and behave and likewise how people react to them.”
“We understand. Don’t we, Haylee?” I said, smiling from ear to ear.
If looks could kill, I wouldn’t just be dead; I’d be tortured to death. She forced a smile and nodded.
“Thank you, girls,” Mother said.
After breakfast, Haylee went up to her room to sulk. I began my homework but constantly felt tempted to call Matt. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t blame him, but something inside me still kept me from doing so. No matter how much I attributed to Jimmy and Haylee and drugs, I couldn’t get myself to believe that he was completely innocent. I imagined him realizing what was happening almost immediately but deciding to enjoy it. And then I thought, what if I wasn’t just imagining it? What if it was true? What if he had realized it but pretended he didn’t? I kept going back to my belief, my hope, that anyone, even in the dark, even under the influence of some hallucinogen, would know it was Haylee and not me. I envisioned him years from now breaking down and confessing. In any case, whatever he knew and whatever he felt kept him from calling all day.
Late in the afternoon, Mother went first to Haylee’s room to choose something for us to wear when Darren Paul arrived. She said that after talking to us this morning about him, she had decided to offer him a cocktail so that he could spend more time with us. “Of course, this isn’t a one-way street. I want your impressions of him, too,” she said.
And then she said something that made me wonder what her intentions concerning Darren Paul really were.
“The gossips will turn it into breaking news. Good. I want your father to know I’m not going to wither away like some fruit on the vine while he enjoys a new life without us. Someday he’ll wake up and drown in regret.”
After she went downstairs again, Haylee came to my room. I glanced at her and then continued reading my social studies text.
“Do you believe how Mother is carrying on about this man? It’s like she’s going on her first date or something.”
I didn’t answer or look at her.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” she said. She sat on my bed. “I was high, too, when I pulled that joke. I didn’t mean to spoil your fun.”
I still didn’t lift my eyes from the page, but I wasn
’t reading anything.
“You’re right about Jimmy, too. What boyfriend would tolerate his girlfriend doing what I did? He’s an idiot. I used him, and as I said, I don’t intend to be with him much longer. It’s just that I don’t see many boys I like at our school, including all the seniors. They’re all . . . so immature.”
“Not all. I really liked Matt,” I said. “He is different, more responsible. At least, that was what I had hoped. Now he’s probably afraid to look me in the face or look at himself in the mirror.”
“He’ll get over it, Kaylee. Believe me, he didn’t suffer.”
“Thanks for that. That really helps.”
“I know. I’ll apologize to him. I promise.”
“I think it would be better if you didn’t speak to him at all. If he’s really ashamed of himself, he’ll only feel worse.”
“Okay. Maybe you’re right. I’ll stay away from him completely, and if Jimmy spreads any stories, I’ll deny them. I’ll tell anyone who asks that it was you, not me.”
“Don’t tell anybody anything, Haylee! No one has to know our personal business, especially something like this.”
“Right. Yes, that’s right. If anyone asks, I’ll say it’s none of their business. But you’ve got to help, too.”
“Me? What am I supposed to do?”
“Don’t act mad at me, or everyone will suspect something and believe anything Jimmy says, especially after I dump him. We’ve got to be as close as ever, and then who would think I had done that to you and you would still be as close to me? Right?”
“So you want me to pretend we’re close?”
“No, not pretend. I want you to forgive me and be my sister. I want you to mean it. I mean it when I say I’m sorry.”
“Right,” I said. I couldn’t help smiling to myself. She would always figure out all the angles. “I’m tired of thinking about it.”
“Me, too. We’ll just have a fun night together tonight while Mother goes on her hot date,” she said, rising. She walked over to me and hugged me. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you. Sorry, sorry, sorry,” she said, before giving me a peck on the cheek, and leaving.