There wasn’t any other way Mother would learn about this quickly, either. She had stopped assisting the second-grade teacher after our first two years and did not know that Haylee was making a point of not sitting with me at lunchtime. Without Mother in the school, Haylee tried to avoid me all day. She was always whispering and laughing with the other girls, none of whom I particularly wanted to be with anyway. She started flirting with some older boys, too, and couldn’t wait to tell me who liked her.
“That should tell you something about us, Kaylee,” she said. “They don’t even look at you, do they?”
I didn’t answer, because she was right, but I did think the reason they were looking at her was that she was practically throwing herself in front of them.
Despite not wanting to, I did feel left out, even immature. The more Haylee gloated, the more miserable I felt. I was afraid I might never catch up to her socially. I did become best friends with Sarah Morgan, whose grades were as good as mine and Haylee’s, even a little better. Although she looked like she wouldn’t get her first period for another ten years, Sarah was pretty. She had what I thought of as an angelic face because of her soft, gentle, and caring eyes, her porcelain complexion, and her perfect nose and lips. She had diminutive, doll-like features and was a good two inches shorter than we were. I thought she might still look like a girl only ten years old even when she was a senior in high school.
In the fifth grade, Sarah suddenly had to wear glasses. Haylee was ready to pounce on that and make fun of her, but her mother bought her very stylish frames, and contrary to what Haylee thought, most of the girls admired them. Sarah seemed incapable of getting into an argument, and whenever Haylee said something unpleasant to her, which was often, she simply smiled, as if Haylee was someone to be pitied. Of course, that only made Haylee angrier. I liked Sarah’s wit and the way she couldn’t be intimidated, something I longed to master ever since we had entered Betsy Ross.
Haylee and I hadn’t been given our own rooms at home yet, so it was still especially important to Mother that neither of us brought home someone the other didn’t like. Whoever it was had to be shared and equally liked. I had to make a deal with Haylee in order to invite Sarah over on a Friday to have dinner with us and spend the night.
“You can have her this Friday, but I have Melanie on Saturday,” she proposed. I was actually a little afraid of Melanie Rosen by now, and not just because she and Toby Sue had gotten us to smoke and look at dirty magazines. She had developed faster than we had, and I heard stories about her seeing boys in the junior high, meeting secretly and “doing things.”
“You shouldn’t be friends with her after the trouble we almost got into because of the smoking, Haylee. Melanie is one of those peers Mother warned us about. She’ll get you into more and more trouble, and you won’t be able to lie your way out of it like you did with the smoking. We’ll both be grounded for weeks, even months!”
“Don’t you say anything like that ever, especially in front of Mother,” she warned me, with those big eyes and clenched fingers. “You’ll be sorry if you do.”
I didn’t, but Haylee wasn’t shy about saying negative things about Sarah in front of Mother. She was so clever and careful about it, though, that it looked as if she was telling Mother things just to protect us.
“We’re her only friends,” she told Mother. “She’s so shy that she’s actually someone to be pitied.”
“Well, then, maybe it’s nice that you’re being her friend,” Mother said, which disappointed Haylee.
“Other girls and even boys ask all the time why we’re friends with her,” she whined. “We’re afraid we’ll lose friends because they don’t like to be around her and don’t invite her to anything.”
Mother looked at me.
Although I wasn’t going to speak up and say that Haylee was lying or even exaggerating, I was sure Mother could see my unhappiness with what Haylee was saying.
“What did I tell you about not letting your peers pressure you into making bad decisions?” Mother asked Haylee. “You don’t look to them for advice or guidance. You look to each other. I’ve brought you up to have each other’s best interests first and foremost, not the interests of your friends.”
“I know,” Haylee said. “We do.”
“Then there is no problem. Kaylee likes Sarah, too, don’t you, Kaylee?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“Haylee?”
“She likes my friend Melanie Rosen, too,” Haylee quickly inserted, so that I would not get what I wanted while she didn’t get what she wanted. “We both do.”
“Then you mean our friend Melanie, don’t you?” Mother corrected.
“Yes, Mother.”
“You don’t want any friends who don’t like your sister as much as they like you, and your sister doesn’t want any friends who don’t like you as much as they like her. Is that clear?”
Haylee nodded. Mother looked at me, so I nodded, too. It was like swallowing some bad-tasting medicine to have to pretend to like Melanie. For one thing, she made fun of Sarah whenever she could. She cheated on tests, stealing answers willingly given by Haylee, answers I had given her. So she was really cheating from me, too. Some of the things she told us when we were at her house disgusted me, especially about what her older brother was doing in the bathroom. I could see that Haylee enjoyed all that and even enjoyed my discomfort at hearing the details, which she now blamed on my being less mature.
“He doesn’t know it,” Melanie said proudly, “but I can see him reading magazines with pictures of naked women and then playing with himself. You know what I mean by that, don’t you, Kaylee? It’s not like he plays ring toss or something,” she said, grinning at Haylee, who grinned back.
“I know,” I said, even though I wasn’t as sure as Haylee was.
Sometimes I thought Haylee was conspiring with Melanie to make me feel uncomfortable and help her differentiate herself from me. I was sure she said things about me to her new friends. I did hear that she was telling them how much she had to look out for me because I was so trusting and innocent. She made it seem like I was a big burden.
Mother, who was unaware of all this, was pleased at how we were supposedly making friends together. I didn’t like the way we were deceiving her, but if I didn’t go along with it, I wouldn’t have any of the friends I wanted to have. They would all be Haylee’s friends.
Now Mother looked at us both for a moment and then smiled and nodded. “You’ll both be just fine if you depend on each other the way your left hand depends on your right,” she said. “You can depend on your sister, Haylee.” We waited for her to say the same to me, but she didn’t. It was so unusual, but I didn’t want to do anything to remind her.
Haylee looked down rather than at me. She was afraid I would gloat the way she would at the way Mother had singled one of us out for a warning or what seemed clearly to be a compliment. Then she surprised me by looking up with a little more defiance than usual and said, “Sometimes we need our peers to teach us things, right, Mother? Things neither of us knows because we don’t have the same experiences or haven’t been to the same places. That’s okay, isn’t it, Mother?”
Mother’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. “What places, Haylee?”
She shrugged. “Places. I don’t know.”
Mother nodded to herself as a suspicion emerged. She looked from me to Haylee, who could clearly see that she had said too much. “Do any of your girlfriends have boyfriends already?” She looked quickly at me first for our response.
“Not steady boyfriends,” I offered.
“I think,” Mother said, nodding to herself again, “that the time has come for us to have a serious talk about the stork and his first visit.”
She indicated that we should go into the great room. Haylee looked up at me quickly, suspecting that I might have said something more to Mother secretly. I hadn’t, but I tried to look more surprised than she was so she wouldn’t think that.
“W
e can’t depend on what you learn in science and health classes,” Mother began, after we had sat beside each other on the settee. She took her usual teacher position.
Haylee almost groaned. She was afraid that Mother was about to turn something exciting into another biology lesson.
“You know more about the human body than most of the other students in your class, I’m sure. Even before Haylee got hers, you already knew why you have a period every month and what that leads to. You knew that before anything about it was explained to you in school. You were always way ahead of the other girls your age because of the homeschooling,” she said proudly.
“She still doesn’t have one,” Haylee pointed out.
Mother closed and opened her eyes. Then she turned to her slowly. “Don’t you believe she will have it soon?”
“Yes.”
“Then why mention that at all, Haylee?”
“I don’t know.”
Mother took a deep breath, the way she did when she was annoyed by something Daddy had said.
“I’m sorry,” Haylee said quickly, and lowered her head.
“You need to think more before you speak. Your tongue can get too far ahead of you and get you into trouble. Understand?”
“Yes, Mother,” Haylee said.
I didn’t think I had to say anything.
“All right. Where was I? Boys, although they mature slower than girls in every way, are usually more aggressive when it comes to having sex,” Mother continued. “It’s been that way since the caveman days. In fact, some men behave as if they are still back there when it comes to having sex for pleasure.”
Haylee looked up quickly. This was the first time Mother had mentioned “having sex” and “pleasure” in the same sentence, revealing that it was something you could do for other reasons than having babies.
“That doesn’t mean they enjoy it more,” Mother quickly added. She smiled at our looks of astonishment.
Both of us were thinking, What other mother but ours would come right out and say such a thing?
“Sex is something a man and a woman can both enjoy. Look at it this way, my precious, if it wasn’t enjoyable, human beings might not do it enough to have children and keep the human race going.”
“So every animal enjoys it?” Haylee asked. “I mean, we learned in science that they have sex. I mean, Mr. Boyton didn’t call it sex. He called it reproduction,” she added, with twisted lips as if the word itself was distasteful.
“I think that’s safe to say, yes, they enjoy it. Now, here comes the most important part, dear Haylee and Kaylee. You can enjoy it too much, or you can forget that the most important reason for it is to make children.”
“You don’t make children every time,” Haylee blurted. Her conversations with her “special group” were showing.
“Okay, Haylee,” Mother said, sitting back and crossing her arms over her breasts. “Why don’t you tell us why not?”
Suddenly, Haylee looked frightened. I couldn’t help the way my lips were starting to smile. I could help her, but I wanted her to struggle with her lies.
“We learned that a woman has to be ready to make babies inside,” she said, practically stuttering.
“Yes, but she could be unaware of how ready she is. Then what could happen?”
Haylee pressed her lips together.
Mother looked at me, so I had to answer. “She could get pregnant,” I said.
“How?” Mother asked.
“The man’s sperm gets into her and meets an egg.”
Mother nodded. “And who do you think would suffer the most after that?” Mother asked us, looking more at Haylee now.
“The girl,” I said when Haylee hesitated. I had to wonder if she had any doubt.
Haylee nodded.
This conversation was already going places Haylee had never anticipated we would go with our mother. It was fun to talk about these things with her girlfriends. I had to admit that even I enjoyed listening to them talk sometimes, but showing too much excitement about it when your mother discussed it was a definite no-no.
“All of this doesn’t just happen out of the blue. There are places on your body that a boy could touch, even touch with his lips, that would make you so excited that you might forget what you know could happen, so you have to be very, very careful,” Mother said.
“Lips?” Haylee said, now smiling. I knew she already was quite acquainted with that activity. Melanie had recently described the experience when she made out with Bobby Lester in his basement den. I had seen Haylee’s eyes brighten when Melanie described how it had taken her breath away. She was bragging about how far she had gone. She told us that if Bobby hadn’t gotten excited so quickly, she might have gone further. She even knew the term for it, premature ejaculation. “So if we say PE, Kaylee,” Melanie had said, turning to me with a wide smile smeared like whipped cream on her face, “we don’t mean physical education class.”
Of course, everyone had laughed, mostly at me. Even Haylee had laughed at me. I felt like bringing that up right now but kept my mouth shut.
“Yes, Haylee. It’s part of foreplay,” Mother said.
“Why four?” Haylee asked, grimacing.
Mother smiled.
I knew Haylee was pretending. She had heard the term. We both had. She was just trying to appear innocent. I was surprised at how good she was at it, but instead of appreciating her ability to deceive, I was worried for us both.
“Not four as in the number four, Haylee. Fore as in before.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t expect you hear the term from any of your friends. They would probably just say ‘making out,’ ” she said, “or ‘hooking up.’ Something like that.” She looked at me, too. “Anyway, foreplay involves touching, kissing, and even licking.”
“Licking!” Haylee exclaimed. She knew about that, too, but she continued putting on a good act, an act Mother accepted because she believed she was that innocent or maybe wanted to believe it. She did look happy that the idea wasn’t immediately attractive to Haylee, but I knew from Haylee’s conversations with Melanie that it was—all of it, what Melanie called L and S, licking and sucking. She glanced at me to see if I might give away the truth, but I didn’t change expression. The way Melanie had described it disturbed me. It was all I could think about at the time, and I imagined doing things like that with different boys.
“It’s all a way to arouse you or for you to arouse a boy someday. I hope not soon,” Mother added. She paused and looked at us more carefully. I think we were both holding our breath. “Other mothers would never discuss this with daughters at your age, but you are older, wiser, and more mature than their daughters, I’m sure, and will benefit from what I’m telling you.”
“Arouse a boy,” Haylee repeated, as the images began to settle into both our minds, thanks to Melanie.
“Well, when I was a teenager, we called it being turned on, and I imagine that still is something you will hear. When you’re turned on, you’re more apt to make a mistake. Understand?” she asked, looking first at me.
I nodded, so Haylee nodded quickly, too. She wanted to appear older now, even in front of Mother.
“And if you’re turned on and make a mistake, you can get pregnant,” Haylee said, anticipating that I might say it first.
“Exactly. Any boy who doesn’t want you to be careful and doesn’t want to be careful himself is not a good boy to be with. If one of you knows of such a boy and sees that he’s interested in you, what should you do?”
“Warn each other,” I said immediately.
“Very good. I’m depending on you both to do just that as you grow older. Now,” Mother said, relaxing her arms, “I want you to have friends who are boys, and someday, as you know, you’ll have a real boyfriend and you’ll go to dances and parties, but you’ll always remember that mistakes can spoil your whole life, right?”
We nodded.
“I have told you never to come to me to tattle on your sister,
but I’m going to make a big exception to the rule starting today,” she said. “I want either of you to tell me if one of you is close to making a mistake. Until you’re on your own out of this house, I want you to remember that new rule. Understand?”
We nodded.
“Good,” she said. “From this day on, whenever you have a question about sex or boys, you ask me, not your peers,” she added, looking mostly at Haylee. “There are girls who might enjoy seeing one of you in trouble. That’s the bottom of the barrel when it comes to jealousy between girls. Beware of it.”
“We will,” Haylee said quickly. She looked at me to see if I would as much as suggest that some of her girlfriends fell right into Mother’s definition of jealous girls. I was so tempted, but I didn’t do it.
“All right. That’s enough for now. See how fathers get away with everything when there are daughters? Not that your father would have the time to have a good, healthy discussion with you even if you were boys. Especially these days,” she added unhappily.
Daddy had been gone for nearly two weeks on a major business trip to London. He had told us that his company had a chance to get a very big international contract. Haylee wasn’t as aware of it as I was, but Daddy was away more often, and even when he was home, he missed many dinners because of working late at his office.
“Do you have any questions?” Mother asked.
Haylee looked at me.
“I don’t,” I said.
“Me, neither,” Haylee said.
“My girls,” Mother said, smiling. “My perfect girls. Haylee-Kaylee, Kaylee-Haylee.” She hugged us as usual and then left.
The first thing Haylee did when we returned to our room was to seize my arm again. Her teeth were clenched, and her eyes were full of threat. “Don’t you ever tell Mother I’m with a boy who might not be careful, Kaylee.” She gave me her superior look. “You don’t know enough about boys to decide who I should be with and who I shouldn’t. Is that clear?”
I pulled my arm out of her grasp and surprised her by smiling back. “Of course. But there’s no reason for you to worry. You’re just as smart as I am, Haylee. You won’t ever be with such a bad boy, either, will you?” I said. “Right now, you have to worry about it more than I do because you could get pregnant, so you won’t make a mistake, right? You certainly don’t need me watching over you.” It was something my friend Sarah would say, and with the same sort of smile on her face.