“We gotta get these computers loaded up! Which means we don’t have time to be babysitting some silly kid who thinks he’s a Saturday-morning cartoon. So, gentlemen, how are we gonna take care of this little problem?” Ralph said menacingly.
“Just finish him off!” Moose said angrily as he peeled a slice of pizza off his forehead.
“Why? To keep him from squealing to the police?” asked Tucker.
“NO! As punishment for TOTALLY RUINING a perfectly good PIZZA! Guys, I’m still STARVING! You know I get really GRUMPY when I’m hungry, right?” Moose whined. “It’s hard to concentrate, and I just keep thinking about FOOD. Like burgers, pancakes, chocolate milk, macaroni and cheese—”
Moose was SO upset about me ruining his pizza, he looked like he was about to CRY. I suddenly had a flashback from my childhood. . . .
ME, RUINING MY FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY BY SMASHING THE BIRTHDAY CAKE!!
That was a pretty traumatic experience!
“Grow up, Moose!” Tucker grumbled. “And stop sniveling about food! You’re making ME hungry!”
“You want me to STOP?! Then make me!” Moose shot back. “I’m WAY hungrier than you’ll ever be!”
“No, you’re not!”
“Yes, I am!”
“No, you’re NOT!”
“JUST SHUT UP!” Ralph yelled. “You both are HUNGRY?! Then I’ll give you a snack! How about I rip out your SPLEENS and shove ’em down your throats?! Then you won’t be hungry anymore, you MORONS! Do you understand me?!”
“Yeah, boss,” Moose and Tucker muttered as they shot each other dirty looks. JUST GREAT! That picture with all its GORY detail is forever SEARED into my BRAIN. . . .
RALPH GIVES TUCKER AND MOOSE THEIR SPLEENS AS A YUMMY SNACK!
Just before I had accidentally crashed through the vent, I’d sent Erin the computer password for the school building’s automated systems. This gave her remote access and control of the PA system, security cameras, lights, etc., which meant she could possibly see and hear everything.
After receiving her text that she’d call me in two minutes, I’d switched my cell phone from vibrate to ring so I wouldn’t miss her call. But that seemed like ages ago.
I wasn’t sure if Erin was aware of all the DRAMA going down in the computer lab. But the LAST thing I needed right then was for her to call me while those burglars were all up in my face like a bad case of acne!
“I’ll keep an eye on the kid while you two dummies go find some rope so we can tie him up!” Ralph said, glaring at me. “Then we’ll get rid of him!”
I broke into a cold sweat! Were they actually going to KILL me? WHY? And HOW? But my frantic thoughts were rudely interrupted when . . .
ERIN CALLED ME! AT THE WORST. POSSIBLE. TIME!
Okay, I ASSUMED it was Erin calling me.
I cringed and froze as the chorus to an annoying boy band ringtone blasted from my back pocket. . . .
“LISTEN, GURL! WE HAVE A CONNECTION! I LUV U MORE THAN MY LEGO COLLECTION!”
Startled, Ralph, Tucker, and Moose immediately panicked and stared suspiciously around the room.
They were acting like they’d just heard a police siren and NOT the most annoying song EVER!
“There’s that song again!” Tucker sputtered. “The same one I heard in the locker room!”
“But where in the HECK is it coming from?!” Ralph said as he spun 180 degrees, trying to locate the source of the music.
“How about a GHOST! I t-told you guys this p-place was haunted!” Moose stuttered in fear.
I was dying to reach down and turn off the ringer.
But I couldn’t risk those criminals discovering I had a cell phone in my back pocket, which meant the police and a twenty-year prison sentence were merely a 911 call away.
Forget the rope! They’d probably KILL ME on the spot because of the phone. Just the thought of it made me so nervous I could barely breathe.
At all.
Way to go, Barf! This is the PERFECT time to have a PANIC ATTACK and stop breathing!
And it didn’t help matters that my inhaler was in my pocket right next to the ringing phone.
JUST GREAT!!
“Wait a dang-gone minute!” Ralph said, cupping his hand over his ear and narrowing his eyes. “It sounds to me like the music is coming from . . . from . . .”
The three of them lunged at me as they yelled . . .
“THE KID!”
I gasped and gulped like a fish out of water, but I STILL couldn’t breathe.
I felt REALLY dizzy.
I tried to grab my inhaler, but the room started to spin.
And then, suddenly, everything went completely . . .
DARK!
6. A VERY DARK AND TWISTED TALE
No, REALLY! I’m not lying! The room ACTUALLY went completely DARK. . . .
At first I thought I had DIED!
And since my phone had finally stopped ringing, everything was really quiet. Like, DEAD quiet!
Weirdly, I didn’t feel any pain. Not from my panic attack or from possibly being strangled by those burglars once they’d figured out I had a phone.
Thank goodness I finally noticed I wasn’t breathing! Because THAT would’ve definitely KILLED me. Assuming, of course, I wasn’t ALREADY dead.
I reached into my pocket and grabbed my inhaler. Then I took two deep breaths.
Sorry, but Max Crumbly was NOT going down like this!
I climbed off the pizza table and groped through the dark to the nearest wall.
All I remember is grabbing my flashlight from my boot and shining its light on that vent as a surge of pure adrenaline started to pump through my veins. . . .
I don’t have the slightest idea how I made it up into that vent. But I did. No joke!
And just in the nick of time. As soon as the burglars got over the initial shock of the lights being off, they completely FLIPPED OUT!
“Hey, who turned out the lights?” Tucker shrieked.
“A G-G-GHOST!” Moose screeched again.
“JUST GRAB THE KID, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS!!” Ralph screamed. “Don’t let him get away!”
“I think I have him!” Tucker yelled. “OUCH!”
“GOTCHA!” Moose hollered. “OW!”
“Hold still, you little RAT!” Ralph snarled. “UGH!”
When the lights finally came back on, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I don’t think Ralph, Tucker, and Moose could believe their eyes EITHER. . . .
THE BUMBLING BURGLARS THINK THEY’VE CAPTURED ME! NOT!!
They looked like something straight out of one of those fake WRESTLEMANIA matches on TV!!
Only these guys were totally NOT faking! They thought they were attacking ME.
But, in reality, they were giving EACH OTHER a BEATDOWN.
FOR REAL!! I couldn’t make this stuff up.
It took a while for them to untangle themselves from their massive BRAWL.
And when they finally noticed me up in the vent laughing my behind off, they were FURIOUS!
The burglars started yelling and screaming stuff at me that would get your mouth washed out with soap.
I just smiled at those idiots, waved, and said, “What’s up, dudes! I hope you enjoyed that fight. Sorry I couldn’t make it!!” . . .
TUCKER, MOOSE, AND RALPH THREATEN TO RIP MY HEAD OFF!! AGAIN!!
With all the lights going on and off, it seemed like Erin was FINALLY in control of things.
And not a minute too soon. For a while there, I thought I was TOAST!
Erin’s a LIFESAVER!
But we STILL needed to talk on the phone to come up with a brilliant plan to stop the burglars from stealing the school’s computers AND get my dad’s comic book back. You know, the collectible comic I accidentally left in the computer lab when I was playing video games after school.
I decided to send Erin a quick text to let her know I was on my way to the boiler room (AGAIN!) and that I would call her in about ten minutes.
But first I needed
to do a little surveillance to try to locate that book.
I crawled a safe distance away from all the drama and then made myself comfortable.
7. RALPH VENTS HIS FRUSTRATIONS
“THAT was the last straw!” Ralph bellowed. “I’ve had it with that kid! I’m going up into that vent to hunt him down MYSELF! And I am not coming out without him!”
“Listen, boss! I know you’re mad, but going up into those vents is a really BAD idea!” Moose argued.
“I agree! Especially since you’re a little on the, um . . . CHUNKY side!” Tucker explained nervously.
“When I want the opinion of two MEATBALLS, I’ll go ask a plate of spaghetti! So just keep your worthless opinions to yourself!” Ralph shot back.
“I don’t know, boss! I’ve got a really bad feeling about this. Deep down in my gut!” Moose said.
“That’s just INDIGESTION from the baloney, mustard, and pickle sandwich you ate for breakfast! So get over here and help me up into this vent! NOW!” Ralph said.
That’s when Tucker glared angrily at Moose. . . .
RALPH CLIMBS INTO THE VENT!
“I don’t get it, Moose. How could you just STEAL from me like that?” Tucker asked.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, your stupid sandwich tasted like rotted monkey meat!” Moose shot back. “So just get over it already!”
“Come on! Will you two IDIOTS stop arguing about a baloney sandwich and try to stay focused?!” Ralph complained.
He teetered dangerously as Moose and Tucker struggled to hoist him into the vent.
“Sorry, b-boss! But you’re j-just a little too big to fit into that small vent!” Tucker grunted.
“A little?! I think my s-spine is c-completely b-busted!” Moose muttered.
Finally Ralph managed to pull himself up into the vent. But he only got as far as his waist. “Come on, guys! Push! I’m almost inside! Just keep PUSHING!” Ralph yelled. “What’s the problem?!” . . .
TUCKER AND MOOSE STRUGGLE TO PUSH RALPH INTO THE VENT!!
What a bunch of CLOWNS!! All they needed were red rubber noses and a circus tent!
Tucker and Moose could push until they were blue in the face. They could even get the ENTIRE eighth-grade football team to HELP them push!
But there was no way in HECK Ralph was going to fit into that vent.
I’d seen quite enough of THAT freak show! I was about to take off for the boiler room to check in with Erin, when I noticed I had accidentally dropped my (okay, technically Erin’s) cell phone.
It was lying just a few feet from the vent entrance and Ralph’s ugly scowling face. OH, CRUD!!
I scrambled toward him on my hands and knees and desperately lunged for the phone. I was so close I could smell his foul breath.
Suddenly Ralph reached out his big, beefy hand and tried to grab my face. I totally FREAKED!! . . .
I quickly spun around on my knees and headed deeper into the vents. But it was too late. . . .
Ralph grabbed my cape!
Then he started pulling me toward him.
“Let GO of me!”
I yelled as I struggled in vain to pull my cape out of his vise-like grip.
I glanced at the phone and wondered if, somehow, Erin could help me.
But short of me asking Ralph for a quick time-out to call and update her on my very dire situation, there was no way she would know what was going on inside the vents.
Erin had saved my behind back in the computer lab by strategically shutting off the lights.
But now I was on my own!
8. WHY OLD DUDES SHOULD NEVER, EVER WEAR SAGGY PANTS!
Note to self: Seriously think about losing the cape.
I was no match for Ralph! No matter how hard I struggled, he dragged me backward toward the vent opening.
“It’s the end of the line for you, kid!” Ralph growled. “Just FACE IT!”
Ironically, his threat gave me a really good idea.
I rolled over onto my back, brought both of my knees to my chest, and then kicked with all my might. The chunky soles of my lost-and-found motorcycle boots landed squarely on Ralph’s very sweaty and very surprised FACE!!
BAM!!
“OOOOOOOW!!” Ralph howled in pain.
“HELP! THAT LITTLE BRAT JUST VICIOUSLY KICKED ME IN MY FACE!”
“Boss! Are you okay?!!” Tucker exclaimed.
“What’s going on up there?!” Moose asked.
“GET ME OUT OF HERE!! NOW!! I MEAN IT!”
“Just jump down. We’re right here to catch you!” Moose said. “Jump, boss! JUMP!”
“I CAN’T DO IT! I JUST . . . CAN’T!!”
Tucker and Moose looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Ralph was acting like a big baby.
“You can’t jump?!” Tucker asked. “But WHY?!”
That’s when Ralph yelled so loudly his voice actually reverberated through the vents. . . .
Tucker and Moose just stared in disbelief. Ralph yelled a bunch of not-so-nice words as he kicked his legs back and forth like he was swimming a fifty-meter race.
“GET. ME. OUTTA HERE!!”
“But, boss, what do you want us to do?” Tucker asked.
“DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING!!”
“Hey, I saw a situation just like this on TV last week!” Moose exclaimed excitedly. “A man got his head stuck in a sewer pipe, and every time someone flushed the toilet, he almost drowned! Let’s dial 911 and ask them to bring over the Jaws of Life! They’ll cut Ralph out!”
“YOU FOOLS!! DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT WE’RE BURGLARIZING A SCHOOL?! IF YOU CALL THE COPS, WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO JAIL! SO JUST PULL ME OUT!! RIGHT NOW!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! PULL!” . . .
TUCKER AND MOOSE TRY TO PULL RALPH OUT OF THE VENT!
TUCKER AND MOOSE PULL A LITTLE TOO HARD!
TUCKER AND MOOSE, IN SHOCK WHEN RALPH LOSES HIS PANTS!!
“TUCKER! MOOSE! WHAT IN THE HECK IS GOING ON OUT THERE?! I FEEL COLD AIR ON MY . . . BACKSIDE!”
“Don’t worry! We just opened a window to get a little fresh air, that’s all!” Tucker lied.
“Listen, Tucker!” Moose exclaimed. “This is hopeless! Maybe we should take the computers and get out of here. Ralph can just catch up with us later, and we’ll give him his cut of the loot!”
“I don’t know, Moose! When Ralph finally gets down from there and figures out we left him, he’s going to be REALLY mad! Then he might actually fire us—or worse!” Tucker argued.
Finally the two men came up with a plan. Tucker climbed up on Moose’s shoulders. Then they forcefully tugged on the vent door until the frame came loose from the wall.
Ralph was kicking and hollering at the top of his lungs until they FINALLY pulled him out. . . .
“It was an accident!” Tucker muttered. “Sorry!”
“Don’t worry, boss. We won’t tell anyone about the smiley faces,” Moose said sympathetically. “Your little secret is safe with us.”
That’s when Ralph started screaming, stomping his feet, and waving his arms like he was having a temper tantrum.
“Forget the kid! I’m sick and tired of wasting time on that PUNK! And I’m even MORE sick and tired of wasting time with you two CLOWNS! Load up these computers NOW!! We need to finish up this heist and get the HECK outta here! Whoever is NOT sitting outside in the truck in ten minutes is gonna be left behind! You can get a ride home from the COPS for all I care. You GOT that?!”
“Yeah, boss!” Moose and Tucker nodded.
JUST GREAT! This meant I only had ten minutes to talk to Erin, come up with a plan to stop the burglars, find my dad’s comic book, call the cops, and clear out of the school!
I needed to get moving, and FAST! I was trying to figure out where I’d left the janitor’s cart when I remembered it was STILL in the computer lab, completely covered with pizza.
GIVE ME A BREAK!! It was going to take MORE than ten minutes just to crawl through the vents to get back to the boiler room.
My situation w
as HOPELESS! My body was starting to ache all over from crashing through that vent, and my head was pounding.
I was totally EXHAUSTED, and my battle with the burglars was just getting started. I pulled out my inhaler, checked the dose counter, and gasped. It was at ZERO?!
JUST GREAT! My medicine had run out! If the burglars didn’t KILL me, THAT surely could!
Maybe it was finally time to give up and go home. A loser named BARF, like me, was obviously no match for these RUTHLESS criminals!
9. HANGING OUT IN MY MAN MAX CAVE
As I crawled toward the boiler room, I couldn’t help but feel depressed. . . .
Sure! I had finally managed to ESCAPE from my locker, crawl through the ventilation system to FREEDOM, and then SURVIVE the night battling three ruthless criminals.
But sadly, none of my accomplishments really mattered anymore. As soon as I got home, my parents were going to be so ANGRY with me that they’d insist on my grandma homeschooling me again.
I didn’t have a choice but to break the bad news to Erin. I was a complete FAILURE and couldn’t stop the burglars from stealing the school’s computers.
By now those burglars had already loaded their truck and were probably on their way to Queasy Cheesy to pick up a new pizza to replace the one I had completely destroyed. I hoped Erin wouldn’t hate me for letting her down.
I was just starting to worry that I’d taken a wrong turn (AGAIN!), when I finally spotted a weird glow coming from a large vent at the end of a corridor.
I scrambled toward it and popped the vent open.