“She gave me plenty of details…very intimate details that only a mother can know, and I’ve managed to match each one with you”, he explains
Which details?, I wonder.
“Ok, what about Veronica? Is she Laura’s daughter also?”, I ask instead
“That I cannot say…I was sure she was, until…until I saw the picture”, he says, glancing at the face on the screen
“Why did you investigate about me and not about Veronica?”, I insist
Whatever he says I know I won’t be able to trust him, but I still need to hear his answer
“Your mother explicitly wanted me to take care of you, not of Veronica”, he says and I ask why
“I asked her the same question, but I never got an answer. She cared about you, not about Veronica, as if you were her only real daughter. It was like that since the very first moment, the reasons for this have always been unknown me. I sensed she was hiding something, but she was too frail, too confused and in pain for me to push her”, he tells me
“Are you still there?”, I hear a voice ask on Ronny’s phone
The phone is on the table, Ronny’s pulls it up faintly and says, “I’ll call you back”
He grasps his face between his hands.
“You look upset buddy, what’s wrong apart from the fact that everything is a total mess?”, I ask ironically
“I already have Veronica’s DNA. What I need now is her DNA”, he says pointing at the screen
“Ok…”, I reply hesitantly, not knowing where this is going
“I think I understand what’s happening…I suspected it and now my suspicion seems to be right. It’s a nightmare”, he says
He stares at the walls as he talks, not at me.
“What’s happening, Ronny?”, I ask
“We’re taking off for NOLA tomorrow. You’re coming with me”, he tells me
“I want to find Veronica”, I object, collapsing myself into a seated position on the cold floor
“Stop considering Veronica your twin. She’s not”, he says
“What do you mean?”, I ask, my blood freezing, but Ronny sweeps the cell off the desk and walks out the room before I can get an answer.
Chapter 28
Murky ponds of water steam off the asphalt now that the rain is gone, and the multi-coloured variety of NOLA’s humanity permeates the street with its lazy pace. A fat butt sways in front me, a couple passes besides me and she laughs a loud hearty laugh, a lanky guy with a ragged shirt pushes a cart overloaded with carton boxes.
“Based on what my contact knows, Sarah never looked for you, she doesn’t expect to see anyone who resembles her”, Ronny tells me
Sarah is the smirking face I saw on a PC screen in a Dutch farm in a night that feels centuries away.
“Why can’t you tell me what’s happening? Why are there so many people who look like me? You can’t just drag me around like this without giving me a clue”, I protest
“I will tell you in due time, this is not the right moment”, he says
His steps are fast, his statements curt.
I suppose he must have a rationale for keeping me in the dark. And yet I need to know.
“If this is the case our paths are splitting here and now”, I retort, stopping
“This is not the best moment for scenes, come on”, Ronny sights
“I don’t care what moment it is. It’s a freaking mess all the time anyways”, I say, raising my voice more than I intend
Ronny looks around nervously.
“Ok Iris, I will tell you. Now keep walking”, he says
“When will you tell me?”, I insist
“Now. I will tell you now. Let’s go”, he capitulates
I start walking again, smiling at Ronny innocently. There’s a fleck of lightness in my mood, for the briefest instant.
“What I’m about to tell you is no more than an hypothesis for now”, Ronny starts
“Tell me about it”, I say
“Imagine one initial human being. Imagine selecting 70% of the traits of that human being, and making a new somebody with them – a twin of the original human being. Place these twins in very similar settings, families with the same social status…then make a new set of twins that are genetically similar by, say, 99%, and place them in different families – poor and rich, with alcoholic and caring mothers. The members of which group will be more similar to one another? What counts the most, the social setting or the DNA? To make good stats you need ten, twenty…a hundred twins. You see where I am getting?”, he says
I do not want to see, and yet I do.
“So I am a clone”, I say with a voice that has the cool feel of metal
“No. I think you are the initial human being, so to say”, Ronny replies, studying my expression
I cough out a mirthlessly dry laugher.
“Right”, I reply ironically
“I will show you the files. Your twins – or clones how you call them – are not classified the way you are and…”, Ronny starts, then hesitates
“And they are after you, you specifically, not anybody else”, he concludes
“What about Veronica?”
“Yes, Veronica. She was born from your same mother…”, he says, and lets the sentence fade away somewhere in the thick air of NOLA
“Is she my natural twin then?”, I ask, and I feel my heart race at the hope that at least one thing that counted for me, that still counts for me, is real – that not all has been manipulated in my life
“I don’t think so, sorry…although I guess that her being born from your same mother, having been with you even if for the shortest time makes her somewhat different from the others”
“Yes…”, I say
“And yet your mother wanted Antonio to keep an eye on you, not on her”, Ronny tells me
“And…”, he starts, but then his face goes pale
I turn around and I see him too. Our eyes lock into each other, uncaring of the crowd and the distance. My eyes are the flaming echo of his cool stare.
He knows I know.
And he knows I am in love before I do, because he is my father.
Chapter 29
“Don’t let him have you, Iris”, Ronny says, gripping my wrist
My father throws a disdainful glance at him, before turning towards me.
“We belong to each other, we always have”, he tells me
“It’s hard to believe it after 24 years on my own”, I retort, trying not to surrender
“You don’t have enough elements to understand, but I will tell you everything”, he says persuasively, slowly approaching me
“Stay away from her”, Ronny says slowly, his voice low, as my father keeps moving towards me, seamlessly, his steps slower than Ronny’s words
“Do as he says”, I hear a voice say behind my back
The voice is calm, matter of fact, the way make mine sound is when I am most scared. The voice is mine and it isn’t, because of the rounded edges that my skeptical self has abraded off mine.
My father arches his brows just lightly before recomposing himself.
“Back off, Veronica”, he tells her, but she stands immobile pointing a gun at him
“Veronica”, I whisper, the words chocking in my throat
“You don’t know how to use a gun, what are you doing?”, my father continues, now speaking in a patronizing tone
“Perhaps she doesn’t, but I do”, I hear, and it’s Joshua who materializes from behind the corner of a building
“What are you doing here…”, I think or say, I do not know
People have started to take notice of what’s happening, at first nobody had realized but now the guns are drawing attention. I’m sure someone is going to make a phone call and the cops will be here any minute.
I don’t want them to come and rescue me. Distorted as it may be, this is the first real family picture I have as an adult: my father trying to abduct me, my twin about to shoot him, me suspended in the
middle not knowing who and what I stand for.
“I said back off”, Veronica shouts now
And sirens go off at a distance, answering my fears. My father glances in the direction of the sirens.
“I will find you again”, he tells me, before walking away with hasty steps.
I stare at the growing distance between us, tears puddling in my eyes. Then, unexpectedly, he turns around to look at me one last time, his eyes troubled, before running off and losing himself in the wild guts of NOLA.
I hate Veronica for spoiling it all for me. I eye her with burning anger, forgetting that she is the one I searched for in the first place.
She returns my stare with a worried glance, pinched between a corrugated pair of brows, and rapidly diverts her eyes from me
“Remember what I told you”, she tells Joshua
He nods his assent
“Remember”, she repeats, and walks away as my father had done
The sirens fall silent, and I see a policemen step out of his car somewhere at the end of the street, the buzz of the crowd between us
“Come on, let’s get going”, Ronny says
I shake my head no, but I let him guide me. Joshua is behind us, I believe, but is he?
For a moment I feel utterly lost, but then the realization dawns on me. The author of who I am, the authors of all the things that have happened and are happening now, is my father. I have no rational elements to say so, but I know in an irrational and absolute way. Antonio was wrong. I have not been kidnapped against my father’s will, he is the one who planned it all.
Perhaps I am nothing but a scientific creation produced by his cold, beautiful mind. Perhaps he has envisioned each and every single move I will make when subject to a certain impulse. Whatever the truth is, Ronny can only guess at it. He’ll never know the reasons behind my father’s plan, he can know the appearance of facts, never see the full picture.
I must find my father to understand who I am, even if the answer is that I am hollow, nobody.
Loneliness has never wrapped around me thicker than this, but this feeling of emptiness is electrifying. I am no longer scared and I don’t long for human love. I am simply curious about this game, thrilled to discover the pattern of the chessboard on which I am moving.
Tonight I will find a way to get away from Ronny, whatever that will take.
Chapter 30
Ronny has decided that we can’t stay in the city anymore, he says it’s too risky. I argue with him, I try to get away.
“Get in the car”, he says when the argument gets heated, holding me against the car’s side, gripping my wrists to the point where it’s painful for me to fight.
I don’t stand any chance to win now, so I relax, shrug and let Ronny slip me in the front seat of the car. Joshua is already on the back, and squeezes my shoulder – for a brief moment – as I sloppily sit in the position in which Ronny placed me, as if I were a puppet.
I turn around after a moment, and stare at him blankly. I have no clue about why he is there, but my ideas are too blurred for me to process the possibilities.
“Hey, we’ll be all right, you know?”, he says
I don’t and Joshua doesn’t either, but still the lie soothes me.
“I need to find my father”, I whisper, not knowing if I am talking to myself or him
He nods yes, and then says, “Quiet now”
This is not his usual tone, and I wonder if he has a plan.
I sit without talking and my silence is loaded with constrained tension. But the speed is like a lullaby as we roll along Highway 46, and by the time we reach the swampy grounds around Poydras the landscape is no more than a green blot faintly filtering through my blurred senses.
“So how did you find Veronica?”, Ronny’s voice startles me awake
“Veronica is the one who found me, I had no clue about her existence”, Joshua replies
“So Veronica shows up and knocks at your door, and then she tells you ‘we’ve got to go to NOLA’, just like that?”, Ronny asks with a skeptical edge to his voice
“No, she shadows me in a convenience shop and tells me Iris needs me. I have no money, but she does. Our time together was supposed to last longer, but then events precipitated and you know the rest”, Joshua replies, returning Ronny’s skepticism with an ironic twist in his tone
“So what was your role supposed to be?”, Ronny insists
“To come here and gather information, find you two essentially”, Joshua explains
“Sounds like a pretty vague plan. You couldn’t possibly come here with nothing but this information, tell me the rest”, Ronny pushes
Joshua shrugs
“Veronica told you to trust nobody, but we’re on the same side. Do you think I don’t care to know who I am? I am not here for you or Iris, I am here for myself. But we’re a team, and if something happens to you guys we all lose. Understood?”, Ronny says
“Yessir”
“So now, tell me. How did you and Veronica find us?”, Ronny insists
“Veronica and I flew out to Amsterdam. She figured that Iris had been to a certain pub, don’t ask me how. Veronica tried to share as little as possible with me, for safety reasons she said. I wouldn’t have done any of the things I’ve done if she had not looked like Iris. I trust her just because of that”, Joshua says
An infinite tenderness floods me as I hear this, but the pride I feel to be loved this way fogs my eyes with tears
I sense a shift in Ronny’s perception, and I can tell he starts looking at Joshua from a different angle.
“Ok”, he says
“And what did you find out in the pub in Amsterdam?”, he continues after a pause
Joshua is silent for a moment
“A woman dying on the floor, and two guys trying to get information from her. It was night, the pub was closed. It should have been open, but it wasn’t. One could see nothing from the front, but some dim lights hinted at someone’s presence. I would have just left, but Veronica wanted to scratch the surface. She picked the lock on the back door, and we got in”, Joshua said
So someone shot the woman I had met. And she was dead now. I feel uncontrollably sick.
“Stop”, I whisper
Ronny ignores me, I wonder if he even heard me.
“Ronny STOP”, I repeat, loudly now, almost angrily, and when he pulls his car on the side of the street the food of the past two days gushes out painfully, burning my throat, filling my eyes with tears. I empty myself completely and collapse to the ground.
I feel a strange sense of fulfillment as I sit in contact with the dirt, as I drag myself to the base of a tree, grasping the humid grass and the mushy earth. I lose the perception of everything, except of the primitive connection I feel for the earthy elements around me. I close my eyes, and for a moment I am at peace with myself.
“Here, drink some water”, I hear Ronny say
I moan what is supposed to be a no.
Joshua comes closer, I sense his presence. He takes some leaves from the ground and rubs my face clean. Then he opens the bottle, and brings it to my mouth. I drink and unwillingly pull myself up.
“Thank you”, I say, balancing myself, longing for past gone instant of ephemeral integrity I lost the moment I stood up
My jeans are wet and muddy now, they stick on me uncomfortably when I buckle up in the back seat.
“And what happened after you found the dead woman in the pub?”, Ronny asks after steering the car back on the road
Ronny’s lack of reaction when he learns about the dead woman in the pub makes me think he already knew about her. What else does he know? He is simply testing Joshua?
“Veronica tracked down Iris father and we found you through him. He left hints around, Veronica wasn’t even sure it wasn’t a trap. She loathes the man, but she respects his slyness and she knew that the hints were not a mistake. They had been left there for her to find them. She couldn’t figure out his plan, she was scared. But then
she decided to risk it, and I followed her to NOLA”, Joshua says
“My father? Is my father not Veronica’s father?”, I really need to know
Joshua doesn’t reply immediately, his silence draws me in like a black hole.
“Not in the same way”, he says at last
“What do you mean?”, I insist
“I don’t know for sure. Veronica has her hypothesis about this, but…”, Joshua starts and pauses
“Come on, tell me”
“You are your father’s natural child, but Veronica is not. She has been engineered. Your father analyzed the characteristics of the seed from which you are born, and modified a second seed to be identical to it. He recreated your mother’s ovule and produced an artificial womb, which hosted Veronica till the day you were born. You and Veronica were supposed to be identical, but you weren’t. That was the first test”, Joshua tells me
“And what is the second test?”, I ask, my mouth dry
“Veronica #2, grown in an artificial womb, truly identical to Veronica but assigned to a different mother from day one”, Joshua tells me
“Is there a third test?”
“I don’t know…”, Joshua tells me
“Of course there is. What is the third test, Ronny?”
“As I told you, the idea is to produce as many of you as possible with slight variations, to make a statistical analysis of the factors that count”, Ronny tells me
“So you told me, yes”, I reply drily
I bow my head, closing my eyes.
“What the…”, Ronny mumbles, as Joshua unbuckles and grasps my hand before I understand what is happening
I look up and there’s a truck blocking the road.
Chapter 31
It wasn’t there before, and it must have come out of a side street intersecting the road on which we are driving.
When we approach the truck doesn’t bulge. I know it’s not sitting there by chance.
Ronny growls a cascade of curses, he tries to turn the car. He manages to, he pushes hard on the gas and I almost think we’ll make it to get away when something pierces our window. Ronny’s head falls on the horn, our car races, the horn honking wildly as if the dead driver were running for his life. But then the car slows down gradually and finally comes to a halt, as if someone had suddenly taken control of it.
I am frozen on my seat.
A man with a balaclava approaches us. This is it, I think.
But the man says, “We won’t hurt him”, taking Joshua by the arm and guiding him out of the car. I don’t see where they are bringing him, I don’t have the guts to look.