He narrowed his gaze. “Liz, is something wrong?”
Sighing, he watched her shoulders drop. She shook her head and said, “I feel like such a fool. I should have known better.”
He was getting alarmed. “Known better how?”
She searched his face for another long moment. “James, we do need to talk. Probably now is not the time, but soon. There is something serious we need to discuss.”
Something panged in his gut. She was breaking up with him. He shouldn’t have gotten so attached. Had she and Brody’s father gotten back together? Surely not. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she realized he’s just an old, lonely man who had nothing really to offer her. Maybe….
“Liz, are you trying to tell me that you—” That you don’t want me?
Liz held his gaze then exhaled. “James… I’m trying to tell you that I am pregnant.”
Chapter Six
Liz Mercer Caldera
James’ mouth formed the word “what?” but he never spoke the question. He only stared at Liz as if she had grown three heads. Liz knew this would happen, and she was prepared for it. This wasn’t the first time she’d told a man she was pregnant. Without her mom around to force her into another bad marriage, Liz was determined to be a big girl this time. The child was her fault. She knew better. She’d deal with it.
Squaring her shoulders, Liz sat back for courage, but reached out to James for reassurance, touching his shirtsleeve and feeling the hard muscles beneath. When had her thrill at simply having a date turned into something more? Something akin to love? The feeling had eaten at her heart for days, even before she knew she was pregnant. Liz had fought the growing attraction. Fought the dependence of weekend visits. Fought the need for good, comforting sex, and companionship she’d never, ever experienced.
James McKenna had become her soul mate in every sense—even though he’d never spoken words of love. There had been a look in his eyes and gentleness in his touch that had told her the truth. They were meant for each other. Maybe this child was God’s way of cementing the bond. At least that’s the way she liked to think about it.
But James had never expressed similar feelings, and so she’d kept quiet about hers. He didn’t know what she felt. That she loved him. She wasn’t going to tell him.
With her announcement, it was like his tongue had tied. The horrified look in his eyes remained, and Liz imagined the thoughts and recriminations tumbling through his mind.
She cleared her throat before she spoke. “It had to have happened our first time. Remember? We weren’t prepared.”
He continued to stare. She lifted her chin. “I’ve known for over a week,” she said. “I’m so regular, but didn’t understand the implications at first. Then I bought one of those kits at the drug store. It was positive.”
Say something! Liz’s heart beat as if playing ragtime music. She rambled on, “I’m very fertile. I should have known better than to do it unprotected. So, you are not to blame, James. This is my fault. Not yours. I should never have invited you in. I should have understood your grief and respected your need for time. It was selfish of me.”
Still nothing.
“I don’t want anything from you, James. I respect you enough to tell you, but I don’t expect anything from you. This is my problem, and I’ll deal with it.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. His jaw clenched. Liz could see James fighting with himself, wrestling with the demons of his past and present—his love for his wife and children, his devotion to his wife’s memory, his duty to his children. She imagined it all. She anticipated nothing less from this honorable man she loved so dearly.
“Don’t talk crazy,” James finally said. “Of course, this isn’t only your problem. It’s our problem. We will deal with it together.”
“I’ll not get an abortion.”
His face flushed red with rage. “No one said anything about an abortion. We’ve made a life, and we won’t take it away.” His fingers found hers resting on his arm and gripped them hard. “We’ll get married. That’s what we’ll do.”
****
No, she wouldn’t marry him. And she told him so. Then Liz had jumped up and stomped away, her insides churning, her heart breaking. She wasn’t going to marry a man simply because she’d “caught” him by getting pregnant. She’d made that mistake once and wasn’t going to make it again.
After corralling Brody, she’d herded him to their truck. This time it started. She’d had it fixed. They drove away from the Carson ranch and back home in silence. By the time Liz pulled into their parking space at the complex, she’d cooled enough to be coherent.
“Did you have a good time?” she asked her son as the motor died.
Brody thought about his answer a minute. “I liked that the guys talked rodeo and ranching. But they acted like I was an outsider.”
“Well, you are. You live in town, and you don’t go to school with those kids. Did Stef treat you okay?”
Brody shrugged. “She was okay, but she’s a girl. And she was always hanging around that Callie.”
“I guess they’re good friends,” Liz explained. “They live on the same ranch.”
“Yeah,” Brody said with a pout. “I know. But I thought Stef was my friend too.”
Stef and Brody had been thrown together since childhood because of Sam and his friendship with Liz’s family. After Sam’s wife had died, Liz sometimes took Stef on shopping trips and talked girl-talk with her. It was as enjoyable for Liz as it was, Sam said, important for Stef. He’d always told her he appreciated Stef having a woman to talk to other than Claire McKenna, who was busy with her own two children. So, Liz had kept the connection going, but always in Livingston or in shopping trips to Bozeman. She’d never been to the McKenna Ranch. She’d never had a reason to.
Liz let out a determined breath. Even now she had no need to go to the McKenna Ranch. Even now with James’ baby growing in her womb, she wasn’t about to take advantage of the situation. Or deal with the ghost of James’ deceased wife, Claire.
“I think Stef is your friend,” she told Brody. “Maybe she didn’t know how to act with you on her turf and in front of her friends.”
“I guess,” Brody acknowledged. “But I didn’t like those kids. Those McKenna’s and that guy Gage. They didn’t like me either.”
“You don’t know that from only one night.”
“But a guy can sense these things.”
“Oh, he can, can he?” When had Brody gotten so prescient? She hoped to God he was wrong. She reached over and ruffled his hair.
“Hey!”
“Let’s go inside and get you ready for bed.”
“Mom, I’m not a kid.”
“Oh, that’s right. I remember.” She handed him the door key. “Now scoot!”
Liz watched Brody take the steps two at a time. Her son was growing up. She wasn’t ready for it. After climbing out of the truck cab, she reached back for the empty baked bean dish. She’d soon have another child to rear, and for the first time, she was glad for it. Maybe the child would be a girl. She could relate to a girl better than a boy. Boys were a mystery. But a girl she could spoil. She understood girls and their emotions. And she’d make damn sure to educate her girl so she wouldn’t find herself prey to her emotions or her hormones. Her girl would make better choices than her mama.
****
Liz couldn’t sleep. She’d been a fool to think she could. Not on a night like this with her life hanging in the balance. Her future and Brody’s future were at stake, but she was determined to see this through. On her own. By herself. James hadn’t taken the news well. She hadn’t reacted to his lack of reaction well, and then when he had ordered her to marry him, she’d lost it.
Now she sat huddled on the sofa under a knitted afghan made by her mother. She wore her flannel pajamas and socks. Still she was cold. The television screen lit the darkened living room, but the sound was turned low. Brody was asleep. She’d closed his bedroom door.
T
he phone on the end table rang. She lifted the receiver.
“Liz, thank God you’re still awake.”
James’ voice came through the line and warmed her heart, reminding her of other nights like this over the four or five weeks she’d known him. They’d talked many times late at night when their kids were asleep.
She tried to keep her tone cool. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“I couldn’t either.” A pause. “Listen, I didn’t react well to your news.”
Ya think? Liz shut her eyes but didn’t respond.
“We have a problem, and we need to discuss it.”
“There’s nothing to discuss.”
“Dammit, you know there is. We need to marry, for the sake of the baby.”
“Or your reputation? Which one is it, James?” That wasn’t fair, but Liz said it anyway.
“My reputation has nothing to do with it.”
“Well, it certainly isn’t my reputation at stake.” Her anger spiked. “Because of Brody, I’m already branded a fallen woman in these parts. And a divorcee too. With a drunken ex-husband.” She threw the last comment in for good measure.
“What’s wrong with you? I said I’d marry you.”
“That’s mighty noble.”
“No, that didn’t come out right.” He paused. Was he kicking himself for being an insensitive jerk? “I said we would marry. That will solve the problem.”
“And create a ton more.”
“That’s why we need to talk about it. Together. Talk this through.”
She heard the frustration in his voice. Her heart hurt. For some obstinate reason, she couldn’t make this easier on him. Maybe it was because she couldn’t let herself off the hook. Guilt ate into her gut. If only she hadn’t gotten carried away. If only she’d used her head, this wouldn’t have happened.
Her life was made up of too many “if only” situations.
“I married Brody’s father because of the same situation,” she told James. “Look how that has turned out. I don’t intend to be stuck again like that.”
“I’m not your ex-husband, Liz.” James raised his voice. “Is that how you see marriage to me? Being stuck?”
Liz swallowed hard. Marriage to James might turn out to be wonderful, despite her misgivings about a stepfamily. But she wasn’t going to chance another “might” situation any more than she was going to be able to live with herself and the “if only” reproaches in her head. So she said, “Yes.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
She’d hurt his pride. Well, dammit, he’d hurt hers too. They were miles apart—in different leagues. She was the daughter of a fishing guide, and he was a landowner. She wasn’t in the same class as his first wife. They didn’t belong together.
But she could love him just the same.
Liz told herself it was a tainted love, filled with obligations. She was bringing too much baggage to the table if she married James McKenna. It wouldn’t work. It was time he accepted the fact.
“I don’t think a marriage would work, James. I’m thinking of the children. Yours will never accept me. Or my son. I don’t want our child to be raised in an atmosphere of hostility. And that’s all that I can see happening. So, please don’t call me again. I’ll be all right.”
“But, Liz….”
“Good-bye, James.”
Liz carefully replaced the receiver on the phone base. What had she done?
“Don’t ever cut off your nose to spite your face,” her mother had been fond of saying.
Have I done just that?
Bringing her feet up on the sofa, she hugged her knees. And then the tears came—hot, unhappy tears that shook her body.
Brody found her like that an hour later, her crying spent. She uncurled herself and reached out a hand to him. For once in a long, long time, he crawled up on the sofa beside her and put his head in her lap.
“What’s the matter, Mommy?”
When did he start calling her “mommy” again?
“Oh, I’m just a little sad.”
“What about?”
“I don’t want to burden you, Brody. Let’s just say I am sad because of a lot of things.”
“You know what Sam says when me or Stef get sad about something?”
“No, son, I don’t believe I know.”
“Sam tells us, ‘There’s no cryin’ on horseback.’ He means you can’t quit. Don’t be sad.”
Thankfulness and love washed over her. When had Brody grown into such a wise kid? To say something of comfort was just what she needed at the moment.
“Sam tells us to ‘cowboy up’ too.”
Liz hugged her son. “That’s just what I plan to do,” she told Brody. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll cowboy up.”
Chapter Seven
James McKenna
First week of November
James stood on the bed of the pickup truck, broke open a bale of hay, and threw half of it out the back to the ground. The cattle made a line following the truck, some waiting for their feed, others slowly chewing as they pulled the grass into their mouths. Sam drove slowly as James continued to bust bales and push the hay out for the animals. Down the hill, Parker and one of the ranch hands were doing the same thing, feeding another row of cows.
A crisp whip of wind blew his collar up and teased at this hat. Soon they’d be doing this in colder weather and snow.
He didn’t look forward to it. The older he got, the more he disliked feeding in the winter, but he’d get out and do it as long as his bones would let him. An idle cowboy was not a healthy thing.
Winters were hard on the ranch but the cattle needed fed. Every day. The mamas needed nourishment for the babies that would come in the spring.
Babies in the spring.
Sam slowed the truck and James stood up, looking out over the ranch, not really seeing anything. By his rough calculations, he and Liz would be having a baby of their own, maybe late May or early June.
He wished he knew exactly what was going on. She refused to talk to him.
Oh, he had tried. He’d called and she’d politely said she couldn’t talk right then. He’d stopped by a couple of times, but she didn’t answer the door, although he knew she was home, her truck parked outside. Lately she’d not picked up the phone either.
Women! He was not good at understanding them. Once he’d understood how Claire ticked, he hadn’t had to worry about other women. How had he screwed up with Liz? He thought he’d done the right thing, saying they would get married. It was the honorable thing, and well, dammit, even more than that, it was what he wanted.
He’d fallen head over heels in love with her. A new baby would just be icing on the cake. He wanted to take care of her and their child.
Yet, he could understand her reasoning. Her hesitation. She wasn’t just taking on him, she was taking on a whole new family and a ranch. And the first time she’d married, it hadn’t turned out so well.
A blended family. Could they do it?
Sam came to a full stop and James jumped down from the tailgate. He brushed hay from his clothes, and then moved toward the cab. Sam got out and faced him. “Penny for your thoughts, boss. You were looking mighty contemplative there, a few seconds ago.”
James stood, hands on hips, and stared at the ground. “I’ll never understand women, Sam.”
He glanced up to see Sam rear back and cackle. “You think any of our species understands them?”
James blew out a breath and watched it fan out in the cold breeze. “Yeah. You’re right. Let’s head back to the house.”
He turned to round the truck for the other side, but Sam put out a hand to stop him. “James. Hold up a minute.”
James rotated back to look Sam square in the eyes. Sam continued, “You’ve been mighty quiet the past week or so. Need to talk?”
James narrowed his gaze. He knew Liz and Sam were friends. “Have you talked to her?”
He shook his head. “No. Well, barely. I caught up with her a
t work a few days ago and she blew me off when I asked if the two of you were going out to the Carpenter’s ranch for their annual fund raising shindig next weekend. She wouldn’t look me in the eye and turned, shaking her head. I take it she didn’t want to talk about it, and she especially didn’t want to talk about you.”
James sucked in air and held it, his chest expanding. He paused and then lifted his chin. Finally, he let out a slow breath. “I haven’t told anyone this Sam, and it goes no further than right here—but Liz and I, well, we’ve got a bit of a serious problem.”
Sam narrowed his gaze. “You need my help?”
Glancing off, James returned, “Hell, no. I have to figure this thing out myself.”
“What is it, James?”
He looked back into Sam’s face. “Liz is pregnant.”
After a moment, Sam exhaled, whistling through his teeth. “I take it the baby is yours.”
James exploded. “Hell, yes, it’s mine!” He punched the fender of the truck, and headed for the passenger side door and got in, slamming it. “Let’s go, Sam!” he shouted.
Sam joined him in the cab, started the truck and headed down the hill toward the house. Finally, he said, “You offer to marry her?”
“Yeah, I did. Of course. Well, I didn’t offer. I told her we would.”
“And what did she say?”
Sam kept staring straight ahead. James turned to look out his window. “She said no. She won’t marry me.”
Sam chewed on that a moment. “She’s got her pride.”
“Pride!” James twisted in the seat. “What the hell does pride have to do with it? She’s pregnant no matter what, with or without a husband. Where does pride come in when she’s raising a baby on her own? My baby? I don’t know what she is thinking.”
He looked back out the window to his right. Sam kept driving. Soon, they reached the barn and pulled up out back. They both exited and headed inside.
“James, one second.”
James knew his friend had his best interest in mind, but he wasn’t sure he could talk about this any longer. He had turned it over internally for days, calling himself every kind of fool for getting himself—and Liz—into this predicament. And with Claire not even in the grave a year yet. How would his kids handle this? That worried him most. The conversation he’d had with Callie not long ago haunted him.