you thinking?’
Normally this level of frustration would cause me to lash out, to punch shut the mouth that is annoying me, but there is nothing. No anger, no rage, no violent outburst. Just a warm feeling inside, a glimmer of hope trying to force out the scum I’ve inhaled this evening. It’s at moments like this that I know I’ll never forget him, that no hurt could ever make me hate him.
I smoke the cigarette to the butt. I hate how I feel, this morbid lack of hope. As these thoughts of giving up on everything I’ve strived for rush through my brain, it feels like a part of me is dying. An important part. Our bodies our destined to decay around us, but our minds, our character are meant to be destined to remain the same. That is what I feel dying. It feels like who I am, what I stand for is being painfully aborted, terminated before it even had a chance to reach fulfilment. I just want to curl up and pray these feelings go away.
I cast my eyes in Sam’s direction. ‘Can we go home?’
‘Why?’ Sam steps closer, excited. His face close to mine.
‘I feel like shit.’
‘Why?’ His face close enough to kiss.
‘I dunno, it’s just not good.’
‘Why?’
No reply.
‘Why?’
I turn, we’re going back underground, there’s no other way.
‘Dom, why?’
‘I’m going Sam, you coming?’
‘Why?’
Walk through the barriers and down the escalators. Hold back the laughter.
‘Why?’
‘Shut up Sam.’ Don’t make eye contact.
‘Why?’
‘Please?’
Reach the bottom and stand on the platform. Soon we’ll be in the comfort of Sam’s room and everything will be okay. Just don’t focus on the pressure of claustrophobia. Smile, try to force yourself to be happy, if not for you, then for Sam. Swallow back the sick feeling, watch my breathing. Calm.
‘Dom?’ Sam pulls at my jacket.
‘What’s up? You okay?’ He shakes his head in the negative as a reply. Concern overrides my thoughts, I continue, ‘What’s up?’
‘I need a drink.’
‘Can’t you wait? I mean we’re not that far away from yours.’
‘I really need a drink.’
‘And I really need to get out of here.’
‘Dom, I’m serious.’
I look at him. Sam, my main priority. I can see panic in his eyes. Okay, put aside your needs and put Sam first. Time to do what I always do, push my life to one side and rush to Sam to make sure he’s okay, his happiness my happiness. Place my hand on his back and return towards the surface. Breathe slowly, don’t let the claustrophobia take over. Step on the escalator. Sam sits down on it a few steps in front of me, his head hidden in his hands. I think the claustrophobia has got to him. Keep my eyes on him, make sure he comes to no harm.
Sam’s head raises and looks at me. ‘Dom?’
‘What?’
‘I’ve forgotten how to breathe.’
‘What?’
‘I’ve forgotten how to breathe.’
‘Don’t be stupid, you can’t forget how to breathe.’
‘Dom, I’m fucking serious.’
I frown. He looks okay, he must be breathing if he can talk. People coming down the opposite side stare in our direction.
Sam looks behind him, he looks back, panic in his eyes. ‘I’m gonna die.’
‘You’re not gonna die Sam, trust me.’
‘I’m serious, when we reach the top I’m going to die.’
‘You’re gonna be okay.’
‘I fucking should know!’ he shouts at me. ‘I can feel it. I’m gonna die.’
‘Fine, whatever Sam.’ I’m not going to get into an argument, not here, not now. I turn to look the way we’ve just come, freedom edging further away. I’m falling backwards, sharply, a violent pull on my chains. Sam pulling me back, knocking me off balance. I grab the railing as I turn. ‘Fuck you!’ I roar. It echoes around us. People look, their faces a picture of disgust, confusion, interest. ‘Fuck you!’ I repeat, moving away from him. I look at the disapproving faces. I can read their minds. Fucking druggies. How lucky for them not to be heading in the same direction as us.
The top is almost upon us. I nod to Sam, slowly he gets to his feet. He looks me full in the face, taking in the scowl on my features. His lips curl at me. ‘Well then, this is goodbye,’ he spits, venom from Sam. I bite back the shock, watch as he turns and steps off the escalator. He doesn’t drop dead. He doesn’t die a sudden and unexpected death.
‘Fucking told you so,’ is all I hear leave my lips.
VII
We’re on the Victoria line, finally edging closer to home. I can’t remember how we’ve gotten here, maybe we swapped trains at Warren Street, who knows. My brain is just a blur of words. A directionless mess paying scant attention to anything or anyone.
So here we sit on the train, swaying slowly. Sam sat next to me, both sat in silence. Silence, my constant companion. It feels like half my life is lived in silence. No one ever talks to Dom, well, no more than a few fleeting words. Each day passes with no noise leaving my lips. If it wasn’t for conversations with Sam, I could quite easily sign up for a place in a monastery, at least that way there would be a reason for the vow of silence. I love talking, the problem is no one wants to listen to me. Too busy with their own lives to contemplate space for Dom. I’m too much effort, high maintenance and hyper. Destined to be eternally alone. And now, here, this minute, the one person who has time for me isn’t speaking. Is making no attempt to either. Silence my friend, my nemesis, my life.
I feel a tear drop. My vision’s blurred. Eyes open, I know I’m crying. One after another the tears fall. Crying in silence. No one pays attention to you. I’m sat here, tears running down my face and no one asks if I'm okay. The woman in front stares, her eyes looking directly at me, she sees nothing. A face set like a shop mannequin, dead eyes staring out, her brain in a different place, zoned out like a drone watching television. In a crowd of people someone’s life is crumbling apart and they cannot see. No one cares, their pain always more important. Ignore the crying boy, he’ll be gone in a few stops, wiped from your mind.
My head screams, I want to speak to Sam but the words die in my throat. Don’t burden yourself on anyone Dom. Your job is to listen and support others expecting nothing in return and receiving exactly that. I want to shout, cry out to see if anyone hears me, but I know that even God has turned up his radio. I look directly into the eyes of the woman opposite, they don’t flinch, don’t blink, don’t look away. My mind tries to connect with hers, tries to push my thoughts into her brain. I hope this image burns, burns itself into your soul. Deep down hidden away this image will lurk, polluting you like cancer. A guilt which you cannot remember why it’s felt. A face streamed with tears tormenting your dreams with its silent scream. I hope you rot, that one day you’ll crumble and no one will offer their support. I hope you experience what it is like to be alone. Alone in a place hidden from the eyes of your God. No hope. No redemption. I hope it burns.
Sam nudges me, my eyes break contact with the glazed orbs opposite me. He’s standing up. We’ve arrived at Highbury and Islington. Almost home.
We slide out of the station, up and out into the open air. Walking the open streets for the first time since we entered the Underground this evening. The cool night air brushes against my face, filters through my lungs. I let the freedom take over me. Try to let it clear the shit in my head but it won’t go away. It’s there, lodged. Why bother rushing like Sam? Why bother putting in all that effort? You’ll get to the same place eventually.
With each step I take, all I hear is the clink of chains, a burden pulling me down, slowing me down. The chains of our sins, linked together during life, worn in the afterlife, a punishment for living in Hell. Always paying for the si
ns of your past. Clink, rattle, clink. Each step noise, loud in the silence. Sam’s still rushing forward, never looking back to see if I’m close, he, like everyone else, too consumed in his own life to worry about me. Just let me follow in silence, it’s what I always do.
Eventually I get back to Sam’s, he’s waiting, pacing, impatient. Luckily for me I hold something he needs. The keys. If he’d had them who knows, would he have waited for me like I would do for him? Or would his life simply have continued without a second thought of me? Dom, eternally waiting or following, everyone’s lives continuing without him. Place me on hold and comeback to me whenever you have time.
I shake my head, trying to remove all these shitty thoughts from my head. Sam would never do that to me, or would he? At this precise moment I have no clue. Walk into the house, kick off the shoes and enter Sam’s room. He’s already sprawled across his bed, just laying there. He doesn’t say a word. I crawl on and sit by his feet. Silence. I begin to cry. I need to write. Pick up my journal, find a pen. Words on paper, thoughts poured out like ink spills across the page. Capture the emotion forever.
Walking along I think to myself there’s only one legacy I make on this world. It’s nothing major, it’s not a handsome face that makes everyone stop and stare, it’s not some enigmatic presence, it’s Dom, that small nothing walking along with his chains rattling. The only sound he makes... the only sound he hears in the silence. Then he hears it, that small friendly voice calling his name. It calls out to him,