CHAPTER XIII
Dear Wilson,--The note and letter from you have taken my breath away. Icouldn't tell--I wouldn't dare tell, how they made me feel.
"Your good news fills me with joy. And when Ben told me you wouldn'tlose your leg--that you would get well--then my eyes filled and my heartchoked me, and I thanked God, who'd answered my prayers. After all theheartache and dread, it's so wonderful to find things not so terrible asthey seemed. Oh, I am thankful! You have only to take care of yourselfnow, to lie patiently and wait, and obey Ben, and soon the time willhave flown by and you will be well again. Maybe, after all, your footwill not be so bad. Maybe you can ride again, if not so wonderfully asbefore, then well enough to ride on your father's range and look afterhis stock. For, Wilson dear, you'll have to go home. It's your duty.Your father must be getting old now. He needs you. He has forgivenyou--you bad boy! And you are very lucky. It almost kills me to think ofyour leaving White Slides. But that is selfish. I'm going to learn to belike Ben Wade. He never thinks of himself.
"Rest assured, Wilson, that I will never marry Jack Belllounds. It seemsyears since that awful October first. I gave my word then, and I wouldhave lived up to it. But I've changed. I'm older. I see thingsdifferently. I love dad as well. I feel as sorry for Jack Belllounds. Istill think I might help him. I still believe in my duty to his father.But I can't marry him. It would be a sin. I have no right to marry a manwhom I do not love. When it comes to thought of his touching me, then Ihate him. Duty toward dad is one thing, and I hold it high, but that isnot reason enough for a woman to give herself. Some duty to myself ishigher than that. It's hard for me to tell you--for me to understand.Love of you has opened my eyes. Still I don't think it's love of youthat makes me selfish. I'm true to something in me that I never knewbefore. I could marry Jack, loving you, and utterly sacrifice myself, ifit were right. But it would be wrong. I never realized this until youkissed me. Since then the thought of anything that approaches personalrelations--any hint of intimacy with Jack fills me with disgust.
"So I'm not engaged to Jack Belllounds, and I'm never going to be. Therewill be trouble here. I feel it. I see it coming. Dad keeps at mepersistently. He grows older. I don't think he's failing, but thenthere's a loss of memory, and an almost childish obsession in regard tothe marriage he has set his heart on. Then his passion for Jack seemsgreater as he learns little by little that Jack is not all he might be.Wilson, I give you my word; I believe if dad ever really sees Jack as Isee him or you see him, then something dreadful will happen. In spite ofeverything dad still believes in Jack. It's beautiful and terrible.That's one reason why I've wanted to help Jack. Well, it's not to be.Every day, every hour, Jack Belllounds grows farther from me. He and hisfather will try to persuade me to consent to this marriage. They mayeven try to force me. But in that way I'll be as hard and as cold as OldWhite Slides. No! Never! For the rest, I'll do my duty to dad. I'llstick to him. I could not engage myself to you, no matter how much Ilove you. And that's more every minute!... So don't mention taking meto your home--don't ask me again. Please, Wilson; your asking shook myvery soul! Oh, how sweet that would be--your wife!... But if dad turnsme away--I don't think he would. Yet he's so strange and like iron forall concerning Jack. If ever he turned me out I'd have no home. I'm awaif, you know. Then--then, Wilson ... Oh, it's horrible to be in theposition I'm in. I won't say any more. You'll understand, dear.
"It's your love that awoke me, and it's Ben Wade who has saved me.Wilson, I love him almost as I do dad, only strangely. Do you know Ibelieve he had something to do with Jack getting drunk that awfulOctober first. I don't mean Ben would stoop to get Jack drunk. But hemight have cunningly put that opportunity in Jack's way. Drink is Jack'sweakness, as gambling is his passion. Well, I know that the liquor wassome fine old stuff which Ben gave to the cowboys. And it's significantnow how Jack avoids Ben. He hates him. He's afraid of him. He's jealousbecause Ben is so much with me. I've heard Jack rave to dad about this.But dad is just to others, if he can't be to his son.
"And so I want you to know that it's Ben Wade who has saved me. SinceI've been sick I've learned more of Ben. He's like a woman. Heunderstands. I never have to tell him anything. You, Wilson, weresometimes stupid or stubborn (forgive me) about little things that girlsfeel but can't explain. Ben knows. I tell you this because I want you tounderstand how and why I love him. I think I love him most for hisgoodness to you. Dear boy, if I hadn't loved you before Ben Wade cameI'd have fallen in love with you since, just listening to his talk ofyou. But this will make you conceited. So I'll go on about Ben. He's ourfriend. Why, Wilson, that sweetness, softness, gentleness about him,the heart that makes him love us, that must be only the woman in him. Idon't know what a mother would feel like, but I do know that I seemstrangely happier since I've confessed my troubles to this man. It wasLem who told me how Ben offered to be a friend to Jack. And Jack floutedhim. I've a queer notion that the moment Jack did this he turned hisback on a better life.
"To repeat, then, Ben Wade is our friend, and to me something more thatI've tried to explain. Maybe telling you this will make you think moreof him and listen to his advice. I hope so. Did any boy and girl everbefore so need a friend? I need that something he instils in me. If Ilost it I'd be miserable. And, Wilson, I'm such a coward. I'm so weak. Ihave such sinkings and burnings and tossings. Oh, I'm only a woman! ButI'll die fighting. That is what Ben Wade instils into me. While therewas life this strange little man would never give up hope. He makes mefeel that he knows more than he tells. Through him I shall get thestrength to live up to my convictions, to be true to myself, to befaithful to you.
"With love, "COLUMBINE."
"December 3d.
"DEAREST COLLIE,--Your last was only a note, and I told Wade if hedidn't fetch more than a note next time there would be trouble roundthis bunk-house. And then he brought your letter!
"I'm feeling exuberant (I think it's that) to-day. First time I've beenup. Collie, I'm able to get up! WHOOPEE! I walk with a crutch, and don'tdare put my foot down. Not that it hurts, but that my boss would have afit! I'm glad you've stopped heaping praise upon our friend Ben.Because now I can get over my jealousy and be half decent. He's thewhitest man I ever knew.
"Now listen, Collie. I've had ideas lately. I've begun to eat and getstronger and to feel good. The pain is gone. And to think I swore toWade I'd forgive Jack Belllounds and never hate him--or kill him!...There, that's letting the cat out of the bag, and it's done now. But nomatter. The truth is, though, that I never could stop hating Jack whilethe pain lasted. Now I could shake hands with him and smile at him.
"Well, as I said, I've ideas. They're great. Grab hold of the pommel nowso you won't get thrown! I'm going to pitch!... When I get well--able toride and go about, which Ben says will be in the spring--I'll send formy father to come to White Slides. He'll come. Then I'll tell himeverything, and if Ben and I can't win him to our side then _you_ can.Father never could resist you. When he has fallen in love with you,which won't take long, then we'll go to old Bill Belllounds and lay thecase before him. Are you still in the saddle, Collie?
"Well, if you are, be sure to get a better hold, for I'm going to runsome next. Ben Wade approved of my plan. He says Belllounds can bebrought to reason. He says he can make him see the ruin for everybodywere you forced to marry Jack. Strange, Collie, how Wade includedhimself with, you, me, Jack, and the old man, in the foreshadowed ruin!Wade is as deep as the canon there. Sometimes when he's thoughtful hegives me a creepy feeling. At others, when he comes out with one of hiseasy, cool assurances that we are all right--that we will get eachother--why, then something grim takes possession of me. I believe him,I'm happy, but there crosses my mind a fleeting realization--not of whatour friend is now, but what he has been. And it disturbs me, chills me.I don't understand it. For, Collie, though I understand your feeling ofwhat he is, I don't understand mine. You see, I'm a man. I've been acowboy for ten years and more. I've seen some hard experiences andworked with a g
ood many rough boys and men. Cowboys, Indians, Mexicans,miners, prospectors, ranchers, hunters--some of whom were bad medicine.So I've come to see men as you couldn't see them. And Bent Wade has beeneverything a man could be. He seems all men in one. And despite all hiskindness and goodness and hopefulness, there is the sense I have ofsomething deadly and terrible and inevitable in him.
"It makes my heart almost stop beating to know I have this man on myside. Because I sense in him the man element, the physical--oh, I can'tput it in words, but I mean something great in him that can't be beaten.What he says _must_ come true!... And so I've already begun to dream andto think of you as my wife. If you ever are--no! _when_ you are, then Iwill owe it to Bent Wade. No man ever owed another for so precious agift. But, Collie, I can't help a little vague dread--of what, I don'tknow, unless it's a sense of the possibilities of Hell--Bent Wade....Dearest, I don't want to worry you or frighten you, and I can't followout my own gloomy fancies. Don't you mind too much what I think. Onlyyou must realize that Wade is the greatest factor in our hopes of thefuture. My faith in him is so unshakable that it's foolish. Next to youI love him best. He seems even dearer to me than my own people. He hasmade me look at life differently. Likewise he has inspired you. But you,dearest Columbine, are only a sensitive, delicate girl, a frail andtender thing like the columbine flowers of the hills. And for your ownsake you must not be blind to what Wade is capable of. If you keep onloving him and idealizing him, blind to what has made him great, thatis, blind to the tragic side of him, then if he did something terriblehere for you and for me the shock would be bad for you. Lord knows Ihave no suspicions of Wade. I have no clear ideas at all. But I do knowthat for you he would not stop at anything. He loves you as much as Ido, only differently. Such power a pale, sweet-faced girl has over thelives of men!
"Good-by for this time.
"Faithfully, "WILSON."
"January 10th.
"DEAR WILSON,--In every letter I tell you I'm better! Why, pretty soonthere'll be nothing left to say about my health. I've been up and aroundnow for days, but only lately have I begun to gain. Since Jack has beenaway I'm getting fat. I eat, and that's one reason I suppose. Then Imove around more.
"You ask me to tell you all I do. Goodness! I couldn't and I wouldn't.You are getting mighty bossy since you're able to hobble around, as youcall it. But you can't boss _me!_ However, I'll be nice and tell you alittle. I don't work very much. I've helped dad with his accounts, allso hopelessly muddled since he let Jack keep the books. I read a gooddeal. Your letters are worn out! Then, when it snows, I sit by thewindow and watch. I love to see the snowflakes fall, so fleecy and whiteand soft! But I don't like the snowy world after the storm has passed. Ishiver and hug the fire. I must have Indian in me. On moonlit nights tolook out at Old White Slides, so cold and icy and grand, and over thewhite hills and ranges, makes me shudder. I don't know why. It's allbeautiful. But it seems to me like death.... Well, I sit idly a lot andthink of you and how terribly big my love has grown, and ... but that'sall about that!
"As you know, Jack has been gone since before New Year's Day. He said hewas going to Kremmling. But dad heard he went to Elgeria. Well, I didn'ttell you that dad and Jack quarreled over money. Jack kept up his goodbehavior for so long that I actually believed he'd changed for thebetter. He kept at me, not so much on the marriage question, but to lovehim. Wilson, he nearly drove me frantic with his lovemaking. Finally Igot mad and I pitched into him. Oh, I convinced him! Then he came backto his own self again. Like a flash he was Buster Jack once more. "Youcan go to hell!" he yelled at me. And such a look!... Well, he went out,and that's when he quarreled with dad. It was about money. I couldn'thelp but hear some of it. I don't know whether or not dad gave Jackmoney, but I think he didn't. Anyway, Jack went.
"Dad was all right for a few days. Really, he seemed nicer and kinderfor Jack's absence. Then all at once he sank into the glooms. I couldn'tcheer him up. When Ben Wade came in after supper dad always got him totell some of those terrible stories. You know what perfectly terriblestories Ben can tell. Well, dad had to hear the worst ones. And poor me,I didn't want to listen, but I couldn't resist. Ben _can_ tell stories.And oh, what he's lived through!
"I got the idea it wasn't Jack's absence so much that made dad sit bythe hour before the fire, staring at the coals, sighing, and looking soGod-forsaken. My heart just aches for dad. He broods and broods. He'llbreak out some day, and then I don't want to be here. There doesn't seemto be any idea when Jack will come home. He might never come. But Bensays he will. He says Jack hates work and that he couldn't be gamblerenough or wicked enough to support himself without working. Can't youhear Ben Wade say that? 'I'll tell you,' he begins, and then comes aprophecy of trouble or evil. And, on the other hand, think how he usedto say: 'Wait! Don't give up! Nothin' is ever so bad as it seems atfirst! Be true to what your heart says is right! It's never too late!Love is the only good in life! Love each other and wait and trust! It'llall come right in the end!'... And, Wilson, I'm bound to confess thatboth his sense of calamity and his hope of good seem infallible. BenWade is supernatural. Sometimes, just for a moment, I dare to let myselfbelieve in what he says--that our dream will come true and I'll beyours. Then oh! oh! oh! joy and stars and bells and heaven! I--I ... Butwhat _am_ I writing? Wilson Moore, this is quite enough for to-day. Takecare you don't believe I'm so--so _very_ much in love.
"Ever, "COLUMBINE."
"_February_ ----.
"DEAREST COLLIE,--I don't know the date, but spring's coming. To-day Ikicked Bent Wade with my once sore foot. It didn't hurt me, but hurtWade's feelings. He says there'll be no holding me soon. I should saynot. I'll eat you up. I'm as hungry as the mountain-lion that's beenprowling round my cabin of nights. He's sure starved. Wade tracked himto a hole in the cliff.
"Collie, I can get around first rate. Don't need my crutch any more. Ican make a fire and cook a meal. Wade doesn't think so, but I do. Hesays if I want to hold your affection, not to let you eat anything Icook. I can rustle around, too. Haven't been far yet. My stock haswintered fairly well. This valley is sheltered, you know. Snow hasn'tbeen too deep. Then I bought hay from Andrews. I'm hoping for springnow, and the good old sunshine on the gray sage hills. And summer, withits columbines! Wade has gone back to his own cabin to sleep. I misshim. But I'm glad to have the nights alone once more. I've got a futureto plan! Read that over, Collie.
"To-day, when Wade came with your letter, he asked me, sort of queer,'Say, Wils, do you know how many letters I've fetched you from Collie?'I said, 'Lord, no, I don't, but they're a lot.' Then he said there werejust forty-seven letters. Forty-seven! I couldn't believe it, and toldhim he was crazy. I never had such good fortune. Well, he made me countthem, and, dog-gone it, he was right. Forty-seven wonderful love-lettersfrom the sweetest girl on earth! But think of Wade remembering everyone! It beats me. He's beyond understanding.
"So Jack Belllounds still stays away from White Slides. Collie, I'm suresorry for his father. What it would be to have a son like Buster Jack!My God! But for your sake I go around yelling and singing like a locoedIndian. Pretty soon spring will come. Then, you wild-flower of thehills, you girl with the sweet mouth and the sad eyes--then I'm comingafter you! And all the king's horses and all the king's men can nevertake you away from me again!
"Your faithful "WILSON."
"March 19th.
"DEAREST WILSON,--Your last letters have been read and reread, and keptunder my pillow, and have been both my help and my weakness during thesetrying days since Jack's return.
"It has not been that I was afraid to write--though, Heaven knows, ifthis letter should fall into the hands of dad it would mean trouble forme, and if Jack read it--I _am_ afraid to think of that! I just have nothad the heart to write you. But all the time I knew I must write andthat I would. Only, now, what to say tortures me. I am certain thatconfiding in you relieves me. That's why I've told you so much. But oflate I find it harder to tel
l what I know about Jack Belllounds. I'm ina queer state of mind, Wilson dear. And you'll wonder, and you'll besorry to know I haven't seen much of Ben lately--that is, not to talkto. It seems I can't _bear_ his faith in me, his hope, his love--whenlately matters have driven me into torturing doubt.
"But lest you might misunderstand, I'm going to try to tell yousomething of what is on my mind, and I want you to read it to Ben. Hehas been hurt by my strange reluctance to be with him.
"Jack came home on the night of March second. You'll remember that day,so gloomy and dark and dreary. It snowed and sleeted and rained. Iremember how the rain roared on the roof. It roared so loud we didn'thear the horse. But we heard heavy boots on the porch outside theliving-room, and the swish of a slicker thrown to the floor. There was abright fire. Dad looked up with a wild joy. All of a sudden he changed.He blazed. He recognized the heavy tread of his son. If I ever pitiedand loved him it was then. I thought of the return of the ProdigalSon!... There came a knock on the door. Then dad recovered. He threw itopen wide. The streaming light fell upon Jack Belllounds, indeed, butnot as I knew him. He entered. It was the first time I ever saw Jacklook in the least like a man. He was pale, haggard, much older, sullen,and bold. He strode in with a 'Howdy, folks,' and threw his wet hat onthe floor, and walked to the fire. His boots were soaked with water andmud. His clothes began to steam.
"When I looked at dad I was surprised. He seemed cool and bright, withthe self-contained force usual for him when something critical is aboutto happen.
"'Ahuh! So you come back,' he said.
"'Yes, I'm home,' replied Jack.
"'Wal, it took you quite a spell to get hyar.'
"'Do you want me to stay?'
"This question from Jack seemed to stump dad. He stared. Jack hadappeared suddenly, and his manner was different from that with which heused to face dad. He had something up his sleeve, as the cowboys say. Hewore an air of defiance and indifference.
"'I reckon I do,' replied dad, deliberately. 'What do you mean by askin'me thet?'
"'I'm of age, long ago. You can't make me stay home. I can do as Ilike.'
"'Ahuh! I reckon you think you can. But not hyar at White Slides. If youever expect to get this property you'll not do as you like.'
"'To hell with that. I don't care whether I ever get it or not.'
"Dad's face went as white as a sheet. He seemed shocked. After a momenthe told me I'd better go to my room. I was about to go when Jack said:'No, let her stay. She'd best hear now what I've got to say. Itconcerns her.'
"'So ho! Then you've got a heap to say?' exclaimed dad, queerly. 'Allright, you have your say first.'
"Jack then began to talk in a level and monotonous voice, so unlike himthat I sat there amazed. He told how early in the winter, before he leftthe ranch, he had found out that he was honestly in love with me. Thatit had changed him--made him see he had never been any good--andinflamed him with the resolve to be better. He had tried. He hadsucceeded. For six weeks he had been all that could have been asked ofany young man. I am bound to confess that he was!... Well, he went on tosay how he had fought it out with himself until he absolutely _knew_ hecould control himself. The courage and inspiration had come from hislove for me. That was the only good thing he'd ever felt. He wanted dadand he wanted me to understand absolutely, without any doubt, that hehad found a way to hold on to his good intentions and good feelings. Andthat was for _me!_... I was struck all a-tremble at the truth. It wastrue! Well, then he forced me to a decision. Forced me, without everhinting of this change, this possibility in him. I had told him I_couldn't_ love him. Never! Then he said I could go to hell and he gaveup. Failing to get money from dad he stole it, without compunction andwithout regret! He had gone to Kremmling, then to Elgeria.
"'I let myself go,' he said, without shame, 'and I drank and gambled.When I was drunk I didn't remember Collie. But when I was sober I did.And she haunted me. That grew worse all the time. So I drank to forgether.... The money lasted a great deal longer than I expected. But thatwas because I won as much as I lost, until lately. Then I borrowed agood deal from those men I gambled with, but mostly from ranchers whoknew my father would be responsible.... I had a shooting-scrape with aman named Elbert, in Smith's place at Elgeria. We quarreled over cards.He cheated. And when I hit him he drew on me. But he missed. Then I shothim.... He lived three days--and died. That sobered me. And once morethere came to me truth of what I might have been. I went back toKremmling. And I tried myself out again. I worked awhile for Judson, whowas the rancher I had borrowed most from. At night I went into town andto the saloons, where I met my gambling cronies. I put myself in theatmosphere of drink and cards. And I resisted both. I could make myselfindifferent to both. As soon as I was sure of myself I decided to comehome. And here I am.'
"This long speech of Jack's had a terrible effect upon me. I was stunnedand sick. But if it did that to me _what_ did it do to dad? Heavenknows, I can't tell you. Dad gave a lurch, and a great heave, as if atthe removal of a rope that had all but strangled him.
"Ahuh-huh!' he groaned. 'An' now you're hyar--what's thet mean?'
"It means that it's not yet too late,' replied Jack. 'Don'tmisunderstand me. I'm not repenting with that side of me which is bad.But I've sobered up. I've had a shock. I see my ruin. I still love you,dad, despite--the cruel thing you did to me. I'm your son and I'd liketo make up to you for all my shortcomings. And so help me Heaven! I cando that, and will do it, if Collie will marry me. Not only marryme--that'd not be enough--but love me--I'm crazy for her love. It'sterrible.'
"You spoiled weaklin'!' thundered dad. 'How 'n hell can I believe you?'
"Because I know it,' declared Jack, standing right up to his father,white and unflinching.
"Then dad broke out in such a rage that I sat there scared so stiff Icould not move. My heart beat thick and heavy. Dad got livid of face,his hair stood up, his eyes rolled. He called Jack every name I everheard any one call him, and then a thousand more. Then he cursed him.Such dreadful curses! Oh, how sad and terrible to hear dad!
"Right you are!' cried Jack, bitter and hard and ringing of voice.'Right, by God! But am I all to blame? Did I bring myself here on thisearth!... There's something wrong in me that's not all my fault.... Youcan't shame me or scare me or hurt me. I could fling in your face thosedamned three years of hell you sent me to! But what's the use for you toroar at me or for me to reproach you? I'm ruined unless you give meCollie--make her love me. That will save me. And I want it for your sakeand hers--not for my own. Even if I do love her madly I'm not wantingher for that. I'm no good. I'm not fit to touch her.... I've just cometo tell you the truth. I feel for Collie--I'd do for Collie--as you didfor my mother! Can't you understand? I'm your son. I've some of you inme. And I've found out what it is. Do you and Collie want to take meat my word?'
"I think it took dad longer to read something strange and convincing inJack than it took me. Anyway, dad got the stunning consciousness thatJack _knew_ by some divine or intuitive power that his reformation wasinevitable, if I loved him. Never have I had such a distressing andterrible moment as that revelation brought to me! I felt the truth. Icould save Jack Belllounds. No woman is ever fooled at such criticalmoments of life. Ben Wade once said that I could have reformed Jack wereit possible to love him. Now the truth of that came home to me, andsomehow it was overwhelming.
"Dad received this truth--and it was beyond me to realize what it meantto him. He must have seen all his earlier hopes fulfilled, his pridevindicated, his shame forgotten, his love rewarded. Yet he must haveseen all that, as would a man leaning with one foot over a bottomlessabyss. He looked transfigured, yet conscious of terrible peril. Hisgreat heart seemed to leap to meet this last opportunity, with allforgiveness, with all gratitude; but his will yielded with a final andirrevocable resolve. A resolve dark and sinister!
"He raised his huge fists higher and higher, and all his body lifted andstrained, towering and trembling, while his face was that of a righteousand angry god
.
"'My son, I take your word!' he rolled out, his voice filling the roomand reverberating through the house. 'I give you Collie!... She will beyours!... But, by the love I bore your mother--I swear--if you eversteal again--I'll kill you!'
"I can't say any more--
"COLUMBINE."