After everything we’d been through, he’d decided we weren’t worth it.
When the tears started, I couldn’t stop them. They came, one after another, in a stream that ran down my cheeks so fast I didn’t even bother trying to wipe them away.
Loving someone isn’t enough. Love isn’t a wave you ride. It’s diving into the ocean. It’s the unpredictable currents and ebbs and flows that take you in different directions or pull you down until you can’t breathe. If you’re lucky, you learn to swim. And if you can’t, you drown.
And that’s how I felt. Like I was drowning. Like I’d finally given up and accepted that, as much as I thought I could fight to get us back, I wasn’t strong enough.
We’d said things to one another, made promises we’d meant to keep, had feelings we’d believed would last, and it didn’t matter. We made mistakes and we hurt one another, and we couldn’t find our way past the mistakes and pain. We were like any other couple—we dated and we broke up. We weren’t special at all.
And that realization, that special doesn’t last, or that maybe it’s not even possible—that’s what was the most painful. To think that what I’d thought was the most real thing I’d ever known had been a temporary figment of my imagination.
I didn’t know Luke at all. The Luke I’d thought I knew, the person I had loved, would be here right now.
My eyes were finally dry, but my cheeks were still stained with tears when I approached the hostess at the podium. “Table for one?” she asked, removing a single menu from the wooden holder between us.
I nodded and followed her.
There were at least six open booths where she could have sat me, but she selected the exact one where Luke had been waiting for me the day he decided to forgive me for writing The Book of Luke.
“Can I take your order?” the waitress asked as she placed a fork and knife down on the tabletop.
“I won’t be needing those,” I told her. “Just a straw, please. And a strawberry Fribble.”
Twenty minutes later, the waitress was circling me, probably hoping I’d either order more food or free up the table for better tipping customers.
“Anything else?” she asked for the fourth time.
I decided to put us both out of our misery. “No thanks, just the check.”
My sorrows had been drowned in a strawberry Fribble, but I still had no idea how I was going to get back to school. I could call my parents, but then I’d have to explain everything, and they’d no doubt want me to spend the night at home. I just couldn’t deal with licking my wounds in my old bedroom. If I wasn’t willing to call my parents, I only had one other choice. Kaitlin’s parents had given her a credit card to use only in the case of an emergency. I could call her and ask if she’d pre-pay my ride back to the bus station.
As I walked out to the parking lot to call her, I was already figuring out how many hours I’d need to babysit for my History professor’s toddler in order to pay Kaitlin back.
My head was down as I dialed her number, which was why I didn’t see the car at first. The honking horn finally made me look up, just in time to keep from walking into the passenger door, where the window was going down.
“You’re here?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” TJ answered. “Get in. I’ll take you back to the bus station.”
I hesitated only a moment before opening the door and letting myself sink into the empty passenger seat. As we drove away, I looked straight ahead, the parking lot fading in the side view mirror.
It was over. Really over. There was only one thing to do now.
“Thank you,” I told TJ. “Thanks for coming back to get me.”
He just shrugged and kept driving.
We were almost to the bus station when TJ finally broke the silence. “Okay, I have to ask. What are you doing here?”
I didn’t want to tell him, but it wasn’t because I was afraid he’d make fun of me. I mean, I was used to that. It was for a different reason. I was afraid that saying the words out loud—I was keeping my promise to Luke—would force me to admit the truth. Because I didn’t keep my promise to Luke. I wasn’t honest with him about feeling scared. I didn’t give him an opportunity to explain. I thought being with Nolan would make me feel better, but it only made me feel worse..
“I was hoping Luke would be there.”
TJ frowned. “Why would Luke be there? Isn’t he at school?”
I didn’t answer.
“Besides, didn’t you two break up?”
I stared through the windshield and nodded.
I waited for TJ to make some snarky comment, but instead, he just let the words fill the car, my lack of an explanation expanding around me. I could’ve left it at that. But there was more to the story, and even if it didn’t matter to TJ, it suddenly mattered to me.
“Aren’t you wondering why?”
“Let me guess. It involved a notebook?” TJ glanced over at me and smiled, trying to get me to do the same. “It’s probably for the best, right? I mean, you’re both at school now, it was inevitable.”
I still couldn’t bring myself to believe that, even if it was true.
TJ navigated across two lanes and brought the car to a stop in the drop-off lane of the bus station. “You okay?”
“I’m all set,” I told him. “Thanks again. I know you didn’t have to come back and get me.”
“Yeah, well, I couldn’t leave you stranded with nothing but Fribbles and french fries. I’m not that cruel.” He laughed at his own joke, and I managed a smile. “Good luck.”
Luck. I wasn’t sure that was what I needed at this point, but I’d take it.
“Bye, TJ.” I opened my door and stepped out into the exhaust of the idling busses, searching for the one that would take me back to school.
I tried to sleep on the bus ride, even though the only thing I had to rest my head against was the metal frame of a window so cold, it had ice crystals that stuck to my hair. I’d been up for more than twenty-four hours, and I doubted I’d be able to stop thinking about what had just happened long enough to actually doze off. I closed my eyes anyway and hoped I’d wake up a new person—the type of person who could view standing alone in a Friendly’s parking lot as a new beginning.
Long-Distance Relationship Tip #62:
If you’re lucky, time apart will make your relationship stronger.
So, before you jump into anything you should really ask yourself,
am I feeling lucky?
Being awake for thirty-two hours straight has a way of making even the most uncomfortable sleeping position seem downright cushy. When I opened my eyes, we had already exited the highway and were minutes from the bus station. I hadn’t called Kaitlin to let her know I was heading back to school. She probably thought my reunion with Luke had gone exactly as planned. As I walked toward campus from the bus station, it was almost dark, and what felt like the longest day of my life was almost over.
When I walked into our room, Kaitlin was video chatting with the dolphin. As soon as she saw me, she blew him a kiss and said good-bye.
“Well?” she asked, sitting up on her bed.
“No luck.” I shrugged before flopping down on mine, which I hoped made me look way less disappointed than I felt. “He wasn’t there.”
Kaitlin sucked in a mouthful of air and then slowly let it escape. “Wow. Wasn’t expecting that.”
As much as I’d prepared myself, as hard as I’d tried to steel myself against the likely probability that Luke wouldn’t show up, a small part of me had believed he might.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get your hopes up.” Kaitlin came over and laid down next to me.
“It’s fine,” I lied.
Kaitlin rested her head on my shoulder and started twirling my hair between her fingers. “If it’s any consolation, if the story you told me about you guys is true, I bet he’s miserable, too.”
I doubted it. “It’s easier to be the one who leaves than the one who’s left behind,
” I told her.
Kaitlin pondered this for a minute. “I never thought of it like that.”
“Has anyone ever broken your heart?” I asked, and she shook her head no. “That’s why.”
“Okay, totally random thought here, but you know what they say about getting back up on the horse?” Kaitlin turned on her side and propped herself up on her elbow. “Why don’t you give Nolan a call?”
I actually laughed. “Um, that’d be a big, fat no.”
“I’m not saying you become his girlfriend or anything. It just might be nice to hang out with a guy who doesn’t make you feel crappy.”
Kaitlin was trying, and I really appreciated that she wanted to help. Still, I’d learned my lesson the first time I turned to Nolan to make myself feel better about Luke.
“I can’t use Nolan like that,” I told her, not that Nolan had any interest what so ever in taking me up on my offer the second time.
“Then what about using me?” Kaitlin twisted around onto her back and lay across my stomach, her arms sprawled out as if she’d been shot. I had all six feet of her dead weight pressed into my diaphragm, making it difficult to catch my breath long enough to tell her to get up. “Dinner! A movie! Use me, I’m all yours!”
Kaitlin was having way too much fun at my expense, but it was working.
“I can’t breathe,” I gasped, rolling out from under her.
She flipped over onto her stomach. “But I made you smile, didn’t I?”
“Maybe,” I admitted, smiling.
“Seriously, let’s go get something to eat. Are you hungry? My treat.”
I curled onto my side and buried my head into my pillow. It was way better than the metal window frame on the bus. “I’m exhausted. I just want to pass out.”
Kaitlin started to object, and then stopped. “Fine. I’ll bring you home something, though, okay?”
I may have lost Luke, but I had a roommate and a new best friend who was pretty awesome.
She wasn’t so bad, for a mermaid.
• • •
Kaitlin was gone when I finally opened my eyes thirteen hours later. Her bed was perfectly made, and a takeout container sat on top of her milk crate nightstand with a fluorescent Post-it note stuck to the side. Breakfast for a brand new day! was written in her handwriting. I got up and went over to see what she’d saved for me and found four slices of cold cheese pizza with the crusts stuck together. It was the perfect way to start to a brand new day.
It was a beginning, not an ending. The start, not the finish, even if it felt unfinished, with words unsaid and questions unanswered. I think that’s why I’d gone to meet Luke. It wasn’t that I’d expected to find him in the parking lot waiting to pick up where we left off. That wasn’t possible. He wasn’t a boomerang who would come back every time I sent him away. It would have been nice, but there was no tidy bow that could wrap us up neatly and make our relationship look pretty again. In the end, it hadn’t been pretty or neat, but unruly and cruel and complicated.
I used to think we were like the double fisherman’s knot that Nolan had showed me—two knots that neatly slid together and sealed themselves tighter over time. There was no easy way to separate them, no effortless undoing. There was just cutting the knots out for good, and that meant neither end would ever be the same after they were apart. Or at least my end wouldn’t. But, really, we were like the bowline knot, two different people joined together, only to be easily slipped apart when it no longer served its purpose.
Even if Luke had been there, even if he was willing to pretend we were fine and forget what we did to one another, I knew we couldn’t. The cut that severed us had been blunt and final, but it had left me frayed, and I knew it wasn’t as easy as just putting us back together again.
And I didn’t want to anymore. I just wanted to say what I should have said that night at the ferry. I just wanted to close this chapter and begin a new one.
Luke was nothing more to me than a memory now, and I couldn’t undo that. All I could do was hold that memory close and be thankful that no one, and no length of time, could ever take that away from me. It was mine. I hoped that, in some way, the memory of me was also a part of him.
I reached for my phone and dialed the number I knew by heart, even if I’d deleted it from my contacts months ago. His phone rang twice before going to voicemail. Should I leave a message? Did my name still appear on his phone screen when I called, and had he decided not to answer? It didn’t matter. I left a message and let Luke choose whether he listened to it or not.
“Hi, Luke, it’s me,” I started, and then realized how long it had been since he’d heard my voice. As much as I hoped Luke remembered what I sounded like, what it once felt like to hear me say his name, I added, “Emily.” I spoke tentatively, as if already anticipating that Luke would have his finger on the end button. I rushed on, hoping he’d listen long enough to let me finish what I had to say.
“You’re probably busy so I’ll keep it short. I just wanted to say that I hope your knee is all better and that school’s good and you’re having fun.” I tried to sound like I meant it, because I knew that’s what I should be hoping for someone I’d once loved so much.
“Actually… I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry, which is weird because you’re the one who cheated on me, right?” I laughed as if I was making a joke, even though Luke knew me well enough to tell that it wasn’t real. “I’m sorry that I didn’t give you a chance to explain what happened with Becca. But even more than that, I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me what happened while I was gone. You were willing to listen and try to understand when I screwed up, and I wished I had the opportunity to do the same for you. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have been angry and hurt, but I’d like to think I would’ve listened and realized we can both make mistakes that we regret. And it doesn’t mean we’re bad people or that we’d do it again if we had the chance, it just means we made a couple of awful choices. I don’t know why it matters that I’m telling you this, but it does. To me, at least. So, that’s all. I’m sorry everything got screwed up. And don’t hate me too much. That’s it. Well, that and goo…” Before I could finish saying good-bye, a beep cut me off. I’d used up all my time.
I really didn’t know if Luke would bother listening or if he’d delete my message without even taking the time to hear what I had to say. I wished it didn’t matter. I wished that just telling him how I felt would somehow free me—untangle the knots that still tied my thoughts to him, still bound up my heart.
Deep breaths, I told myself, holding the quiet phone against my chest as I slowly inhaled and exhaled.
The phone suddenly vibrated and I looked down at the screen, half expecting to see Luke’s number. But it was Kaitlin—My ID on my dresser?
I went over to check and texted—Found it.
Bring to campus center? she texted back.
Give me 10, taking shower.
Maybe Kaitlin was right. Not about calling Nolan to help me get over Luke, I wasn’t going to do that. I would touch base with him, but not because I needed Nolan to make myself feel better. It would just be nice to have a friend nearby who was starting over, just like me.
No, Kaitlin was right but about doing something to move on.
My mom always said there’s not much a hot shower and clean hair can’t help, and as much as I thought her theories always conveniently involved better hygiene, I had to admit I was glad she’d sent me to school with four different body washes to choose from.
I wanted to stay under the spray of hot water as long as possible, but I didn’t want to leave Kaitlin hanging. I quickly washed my hair, foregoing the conditioner, rinsed myself down with just enough Summer Breeze body wash to remove the lingering effects of six hours on a bus, and ran back to my room to get dressed.
After jumping into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, I grabbed Kaitlin’s ID and threw open the door, where I ran right into the body standing in the hallway.
“Here it is!” I thrus
t the ID at Kaitlin and hoped she wouldn’t kill me for taking too long.
Only it wasn’t Kaitlin.
“Hi.”
Luke. He was standing in front of my doorway, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.
“Hi,” I practically whispered back. It was all I could to stop myself from reaching out to touch him even though it was instinctual, innate, a sensation so deeply woven into me that I didn’t know how to stop it.
But Luke hung back in the hall, keeping a safe distance between us.
“I got your message,” he told me.
My chest contracted, as if the air in my lungs refused to move until it heard what he would say next.
“It was nice to hear your voice,” he added, and I could swear I saw a brief smile settle across his lips before it dissolved.
I breathed in deeply, forcing the invisible weight off my chest. This wasn’t making any sense. Why was he here?
“But I just called, like, ten minutes ago.”
“I listened to it in the street. Downstairs.”
It took me a moment to understand what he meant, but then I got it. He was here. Even before I called and rambled on thinking I’d never hear from him again, Luke was here.
He was so close and yet those few feet between us seemed like a chasm that was almost impossible to cross.
“Do you want to come in?” I asked, but I didn’t move aside to make room for him. All I wanted to do was stand there with him, recognizing all the details that I still knew by heart.
Luke didn’t answer, and I actually believed he might walk away—that he’d come here, but now that we were face to face, he didn’t want to get any closer. “Why don’t we go for a walk instead?” he suggested.
I couldn’t answer as I swallowed the idea that he didn’t want to move toward me.
With my back turned to him so he couldn’t see my face, I finally said, “Sure, just give me a minute.”
Luke didn’t follow me into my room, where I took a book from the bottom of my nightstand drawer and placed it on her bed with Kaitlin’s ID. Then I texted her Luke’s here. I knew she’d understand.