She sighs long and hard. “I’ve always thought of my future family as the end result—my reward to myself for avenging my mother’s death and putting all the darkness behind me. I never once considered taking a husband or having a child before the deed was done.”
“I see.” Things are happening out of order and she’s having a hard time dealing with how reality differs from the plan in her head.
“I thought I’d be healed—and normal—before I married and had a baby. How can I become someone’s mother when I’m still like this?”
“You’ll need to choose which is more important—your obsession with your mother’s killer or taking the only chance we may get at having our own children.”
“I want both.”
It’s impossible to have both right now. “Revenge will wait. Our family won’t.”
“Doesn’t it bother you that we’d be making the decision to do the IVF for the wrong reason?”
Bleu having our baby should never be called wrong. “The timing may be questionable, but never the reason.”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I’m saying all the wrong things.”
It’s okay. I understand what she means. “We didn’t get the news we were anticipating. We thought we’d have plenty of time. Turns out we may not. No one can predict the future, not even these specialists. What I do know is that our baby will be wanted and loved like no other. In the end, isn’t that what matters most?”
“I feel like the most important events of my life have happened to suit a time frame that wasn’t my own. Infiltrating The Fellowship. Marrying you. Now, bringing a baby into the world sooner than I’d like because my ovary may not hold out.”
“And it’s worked out for the best every time.”
“Yes. But I’d like to do something without feeling cornered.”
Being pushed before she’s ready is the last thing I want her to feel. “We don’t have to make a decision today, nor should we. We need time to sort out our feelings and what proceeding means for our lives and marriage.”
“How long do we give it?”
Dr. Paschall said we shouldn’t wait long. “Let’s take the week to think it over and we’ll make our final decision after the wedding reception.” I think we need that off our plates when we return to this conversation again. “Agree?”
“Agreed.”
Seven days until Bleu and I make a decision that will ultimately change our lives forever. Choose wrong and we could spend the rest of our lives in regret.
Please. Let us not make the wrong decision.
Chapter Thirteen
Bleu Breckenridge
As agreed, I’ve taken this week to sort out my feelings about the IVF. There’s only one emotion not in question: I’m no less terrified than I was the day we left the clinic.
I wish I had one close friend or family member I could meet for coffee so I could pour my heart out. Sin’s the only one I can do that with and that makes for a problem.
I’ve never been a person who opens my heart to others about my personal issues. I’m content bottling my feelings but this situation is different. I have an intense need to talk to someone besides my husband. I need a woman’s opinion.
My friendships with Lorna and Westlyn are growing but neither is in a place where I feel comfortable talking about having a baby. And as much as I adore Isobel, this isn’t something I can discuss with her. I’m certain she’ll be in favor of a grandchild and an heir for The Fellowship.
It’s clear. I need my sister. But she’s more than four thousand miles away, so a phone call will have to do.
“Hello, bonny lass,” she says with the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.
“That was horrible.”
“No way, dude. I’ve been practicing every day.”
We’re southern and have been our whole lives. It’s not something you can easily tone down. “I live among these people and hear it every day. Trust me when I say your execution sucks.”
“Then maybe I should come for a visit so I can improve. And check out some Scottie hotties.”
Not happening. She can never step foot in Edinburgh. But I can’t very well tell her that. “Sure thing. Come and we’ll do one of those tours across Scotland. There’s a whole lot I’ve still not seen. The Highlands. Loch Ness. A bazillion castles and villages. We can check it out together since Sin doesn’t give a rat’s ass about going with me.”
“I’ll take a look at the vacation requests at work to see what I can pull off.”
I think I can manage a visit as long as it’s not in Edinburgh. “You need to come during the summer when there’s plenty of sun. Winter is cold and dark. And sort of depressing.”
“I’m sure Sinclair’s keeping you warm, though, right? How is that new husband of yours?”
“Busy, as always.”
“He’s a newbie. I’m sure they have to earn their places within the firm. Isn’t that how it works?”
No. Not when they’re born into the role of top dog. But I can’t tell her that. “Yeah. Something like that.”
“How are you adjusting to Scotland? To married life? To everything?”
To my new residence? Fine.
To being a wife? Extraordinarily well.
To being the wife a leader of The Fellowship? As good as one could hope, considering.
To the prospect of becoming a mother soon? I have no idea.
“I think I’m handling it well …”
“But …?”
She knows me so well. “Sin and I saw a fertility specialist last week—a really good one. We got some news I wasn’t quite prepared to hear.”
“I’m so sorry, Bleu. I know how much you want to have babies.”
She’s assuming the news was bad. “No, Elli. It’s not what you’re thinking. My doctor says my ovary is in bad shape but my uterus looks good. He thinks I can become pregnant. He’s recommending we do another retrieval, this time with an embryo transfer.”
“Bleu! That’s wonderful!”
Did she hear the second part? “The embryo transfer means getting pregnant now instead of later.”
“I’m not confused about what that means. However, I’m a little puzzled about your lack of enthusiasm.”
“It’s not that I’m not happy. I am. It’s just so soon. We’ve only been married seven weeks.”
“Tell me why your doctor is recommending you do the transfer now.”
I relate what Dr. Paschall explained to us as worst-case scenario. It sounds so dire when I put it in my own words.
“This is what I’m hearing, Bleu. You have a husband who adores you. He wants babies with you so much that he’s paying God only knows how much for you to see one of the best fertility doctors in the world. This highly trained specialist’s job is to give you the best advice for how to conceive. He’s recommending you try now for the best results, instead of waiting. Did I get it all right?”
“Yes.”
It sounds so simple when I hear Ellison’s version. I look foolish for not jumping at the opportunity. Except I know the real reason behind my hesitation. My sister doesn’t.
“Then I’m failing to see the problem.”
It’s not her fault she can’t see my issues. I’m not giving her the whole story. It wasn’t fair of me to expect good advice when I can’t even be honest about why the timing is wrong for me.
“I’m just nervous about it coming so soon in our marriage. I thought we’d have time for the two of us before a baby came along.”
“Better early than never. Because never is a really long time.”
The word never is a powerful one. It has no mercy. It’s stern and doesn’t sway. Ever. It means exactly what it says. It sort of brings the whole thing full circle in my head.
The doorbell rings. Shit. It’s not even eleven and Isobel is already here. She’s early.
I sprint for the door, opening it and motioning for my mother-in-law to come in. I flip the phone upside down so my mouth isn’
t over the speaker. “I’m almost finished talking to Ellison. Just give me another minute.”
“No hurry. We have an hour until our appointments.”
That might be okay if I didn’t have to shower. That means I’ve gotta rush.
“Elli, tonight is the reception with Sin’s family so I’ve gotta run. I have a hair appointment.”
“I should be there,” she says.
True. Except I married into a band of criminals so she’ll never have a place among us. “I wish you could be.”
“Send pictures. Lots of them. Particularly any of Sin’s hot Scottish friends.”
“Will do. But you shouldn’t expect much. Sin is the best looking of the bunch.”
God, she’d turn stupid if she saw Jamie, Leith, or Mitch. There’s no way I can ever let her see them. If she did, she’d be on the first plane to Edinburgh—and Jamie fits her type perfectly. All he’d have to do is open his mouth, say one medical word, and she’d be a goner.
Can’t happen. Ever.
I end my call with Ellison and I’m in a mad rush to shower and get out the door in time for my appointment.
Good thing the salon is a spa as well and will be doing it all: massage, waxing, facial, nails, hair, and makeup. I won’t have to worry about a thing. Maybe I can get the IVF off my mind long enough to enjoy the pampering.
* * *
Isobel insisted Sin not see me until the reception. She’s sad she wasn’t a part of our marriage ceremony so she’s treating this black-tie affair with The Fellowship like a ceremony as much as possible. It seems silly since we’re already married. We’ve had our cake and eaten it too—many times—but it’s important to Sin’s mom, so I’ve agreed.
Lorna crouches down and spreads my dress on the floor. She clears a path from top to bottom so I can step inside. I put the first foot through it onto the floor and stumble. “No floundering around when there’s a gun strapped to your body.”
There was no way to hide it from them since they’re helping me dress.
Westlyn rushes to my side. “Hold my hand so you don’t tumble over.”
I manage to get both feet on the floor free and clear of the fabric.
“Up we go.” I slip my arms in and Lorna glides my zipper up.
“This dress is stunning. Blows Kate Middleton’s away.” Westlyn steps back and gives me a once-over. “It cost a fortune, didn’t it?”
It did but Isobel insisted it was worth every penny. “Don’t make me say that number aloud.”
“Only the best for our leader’s wife who will one day carry the next generation of Fellowship leaders.” Lorna’s tone is mocking. I think she’s making fun of my duty to “bear an heir.”
Westlyn studies me in my dress. “Your boobs look bigger. Are you already pregnant?”
“Definitely not. The push-up gets all the credit.”
I laugh but not at Westlyn’s question. I find this entire conversation amusing. I’m in the middle of female chitchat and I don’t hate it. There could be hope for me yet.
“Are you and Sinclair being pressured to have a baby?”
That’s a loaded question.
“Not really. Thane has mentioned it to Sin but that’s it as far as I know.”
“Be prepared. It’s coming.”
There’s a knock at the door, my husband’s voice on the other side. “Bonny. It’s time.”
“That’s our cue.” My two friends hug me quickly and disappear down the stairs.
I’m standing in the middle of the posh Breckenridge guest house when Sin comes in to see me for the first time. I’m wearing a real wedding dress for this event, one much different from what I wore at our wedding. This one is a long mermaid silhouette with a lace overlay and blingy belt. Elegant. Fitted. Sexy. I like the way it makes me feel. But even more, I love the way Sin looks at me when he sees me in it for the first time.
I do a turn, flaring the bottom as I spin. “Like it?”
He nods. “Aye. Very much. It’s lovely but not nearly as beautiful as you.”
I lift the skirt of my dress to show him my feet.
“Ah. The shoes.”
“Yes, and if you’re lucky, I might wear them—and nothing else—for you tonight.”
He takes my face in his hands and places a soft kiss to my lips before pressing his forehead to mine. “Thank you.”
I don’t know what he means. “For what?”
“For being my wife and partner for life.” He’s repeating the words from our wedding, with one exception. He leaves off the part about being the mother of his children but it’s still a reminder. Tonight marks the deadline. It’s been a week since we agreed to make the decision about the IVF. And time’s up.
“Mmm … I’d like nothing more than to lie you on that bed and unwrap you like the beautiful gift you are.”
“You can unwrap me later.”
“I certainly will.”
“Our guests are anxious to visit with the new Mrs. Breckenridge but they’ll need to wait a few minutes more. I have something special for you.”
Sin takes my hands and leads me to the bed. “Sit.”
My curiosity is stirred. “What are you doing?”
He doesn’t reply. Instead, he fetches his violin from the closet. He comes to me and goes down on one knee. It isn’t an easy task for him, which makes it even more special. “This is for you. A gift from my heart.”
Oh my God. I recognize the song within a few strokes of the bow. It’s “Amanda.” My mom’s song.
It makes one of the most beautiful violin covers I’ve ever heard. I love it. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of learning it.
“That was beautiful. I felt every note.”
“I learned it so I could teach you.”
“It’s the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you.”
He rises and takes my hand. “Come. It’s time for the brotherhood to meet my bride.”
Sin leads me down the staircase, holding my hand to ensure my safety. I’m grasping my dress, pulling up at the thigh. Because it’s long, the skirt is a trip hazard.
Once I’m safely on the first floor, I straighten and smooth my dress. “Good?”
“Perfect.”
It’s the wrong word to explain how I look. The word perfection should be saved for describing the celebration Isobel has planned. She’s outdone herself but I’d expect no less after the last event she put together for me.
It’s beyond amazing.
Tables are spread throughout the garden beneath three enormous white canopies. The underside of each is covered with a bazillion tiny lights, our own starlit sky. Huge lanterns hang throughout, emitting heat so the outdoor spaces are warm, despite the evening’s cold.
Each table is adorned with fine linens and tableware. No surprise there. And she’s made seat assignments. Thank God for that since I’m certain Isobel wouldn’t have put Abram anywhere near me.
Enormous white floral arrangements adorn the centers of each table, surrounded by glowing candle lanterns. It screams magical winter wonderland. And it’s beyond beautiful.
A man I assume to be the ceremony’s emcee introduces us as we enter the center canopy. “It’s my pleasure to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair Breckenridge.”
I can’t even guess at how many people are present. It’s a lot, and all of them are clapping. The men in our path slap Sin on the back and murmur offers of congratulations as we proceed to our table. We’re seated at the largest one, front and center.
I’ve always felt Sin’s role within The Fellowship was comparable to that of a prince-in-waiting. I once mocked it. But that was before I became a part of his world. I couldn’t feel more like a queen than I do in this moment. And I love it. It’s nice to be so well received by his people.
Champagne in hand, Jamie leads the toasts. “On behalf of Sinclair and Bleu, I’d like to thank everyone for coming out on this bitter cold night to celebrate their marriage. Even all the ladies in tears who
are heartbroken to see my friend no longer available for the taking.” The crowd laughs; I do as well.
“I have to tell you that I knew it was over for Sin the minute he laid eyes on Bleu. He thought he was so damn smart, keeping his feelings for her hidden from everyone, but I could see he was smitten by this American lass. I’ve never known my friend to be as happy and content as he was in Bleu’s presence. It never mattered to him if she was Fellowship or not. He was determined to make her his, no matter the cost. And it was a high one. He made the ultimate sacrifice so she could become one of us. And now she is by both initiation and marriage. I wish you both the best of luck and a life filled with health, happiness, and joy. I wish you many healthy babies and may they all take after their beautiful mother so none of them are as ugly as Sinclair.” The crowd erupts into laughter again and Jamie lifts his glass higher. “To my best friend Sinclair and his lovely wife, who shall now become my dear friend as well. May we all find love as precious as theirs.”
I’ve not spent much time with Jamie so his speech comes as a surprise. He lifts his drink in my direction and nods before tossing it back.
Leith is next at the mic, and I’m a little worried about what he might say. “Everyone knows Sin, Jamie, and myself have been best friends since we were bairns. We’ve spent twenty-six years sharing any and every thing, so I didn’t take well to being told to back off of Bleu.” Oh God. I think Leith is drunk. This is going to be bad.
I give Sin the look, the one that says “stop him before he makes an ass of himself and us.”
Sin shakes his head and returns his attention to his friend. He seems to have confidence in him. I don’t.
“It took a little while but I finally realized Sin put boundaries up around Bleu because he was in love with her. That’s the natural order of things when a man loves a woman. He doesn’t allow other men near her. Once I figured that out, a lot of things became very clear for me.”
“Sin is a liar, a cheater, and a thief.” Leith lifts his glass and my heart pounds. I thought I had sorted out where his speech was going but now I’m afraid I was wrong.
“Stop him,” I tell Sin.