But if the bad moments outweigh the good, and you know in your heart that it’s not right, you need to get out. I never want you to stay in an unhappy relationship because you think I’m telling you to stay and work on it. You will know when to cut your losses, and even if it hurts more than anything else, you have to do what is best for you. When it comes to love, you need to put yourself first sometimes. I want you to be with someone who makes you better, not someone who makes you feel worse.
I will talk more in future letters, but I didn’t want these to be too much like Mom’s Rules for Life, so I will end this one here.
I read the letter three more times, and wonder if my Mom is somewhere, laughing. Refolding the letter, I take it upstairs and put it back in the box, along with the gardening book. Then I go to my bookshelf and find one of the books I haven’t read yet, but have been dying to and sit on my bed and start reading. I can’t remember the last time I just sat in bed and read. I check in on Peter every now and then, and he’s flying and running and doing his own thing.
~^*^~
I spend the rest of the afternoon on that book and then another. My reading is definitely getting faster, which is going to be great for my To Be Read pile, which is pretty thick. It makes me want to challenge myself to read all the most acclaimed books, so I go online and start making a list. Ah, lists. I’ve missed lists.
When I’m done with my list, I decide to go to the library on Monday and take out as many of them as they’ll let me. There’s a new email from Aj and I respond, telling her that Dad is back at work, but I don’t mention Peter. She doesn’t ask any strange questions, but I’m still suspicious.
Dad gets home from his “errands” and I start making him dinner, saying that while he was gone I went ahead and ate because I was hungry. He seems a little distracted, so I don’t have to try too hard to make him buy it. I almost mention the book I found, and the fact that he wanted to clean the bedroom, but don’t. I just give him a hug and he goes to bed early.
I text Jamie to ask about his arm, and he says he’s fine and I’m not to worry. He tells me that he and Brooke concocted a story to cover up the real reason for it. He hasn’t told Cassie about Brooke being a noctalis, and probably for good reason. She’s so worried about the baby that I don’t think it would sit well with her. Honestly, I’m still a little worried about it, but it’s not really my place to judge. At all.
Twenty
Tex
I know Ava feels crappy about Jamie, but she seriously needs to stop being so whiny about it. Yes, she broke his arm. Yes, it was an accident. Move on. She’s giving Coby a run for his money in the maudlin department.
Speaking of him, we haven’t talked pretty much at all. I’ve been so busy with work, and Ava and everything else that I’ve barely seen him. This is a good thing, in my opinion. The less I see him, the better. Viktor hasn’t tried to talk to him again, that I know of. He still won’t tell me what he talked about with Coby the last time and I’ve given up using my feminine wiles to get it out of him.
Viktor has also been acting weird, and I’ve had about as much weirdness as I can take, so I grab his arm and drag him down to the stock room when my mother isn’t looking.
I reach up and put both hands on his shoulders (not an easy thing to do) and force him to sit on the steps. This gets him closer to my eye level.
I sit down on the step beside him, and fold my hands. He knows what I’m going to say before I say it, but let’s me do it anyway. Because he’s a freaking gentleman.
“I know you know why I need to talk, but let’s just ignore that and pretend that I’m a girl and you’re a boy and we need to talk about our relationship. Okay?”
“Okay,” he says and I stare into his eyes and I almost fall in. It’s not hypnosis, really. It’s more like you’re staring off into space, and you get stuck for a moment.
“What is this?” I say pointing from me to him. “I mean, there’s the Claiming and the fact that I like you and we have amazing sex, but other than that, what is this?”
“You want a definition.” Yes. No? I don’t know.
“I want to know where I stand with you. You don’t have to call me your girlfriend, or give me a ring, or something stupid like that. I just want to know . . .” He stops my questions with a kiss. I break it and glare at him.
“You can’t shut me up with a kiss.”
“I can try,” he says with a wicked grin. “Your mother is looking for you,” he says, and with that, he slips away from me and is up the stairs before you can say “commitment issues”.
Viktor
I am a coward. I ran from her questions and shut the door on our connection with a slam. She growls after me and gives me dirty looks the rest of the day. I don’t know what to say to make it better. Since I have told Tex’s mother that I don’t have a car, Tex is the one who drives me to and from work so that we can spend more time together. This ride is icy and silent.
“You’re an asshole,” she says, not taking her eyes off the road. All I wanted was to talk you and you kissed me and then ran away. Like a d-bag.”
I let my walls down, and flood her with my emotions. She gasps and pulls the car over on the side of the road.
“You’re right. You wanted to talk and I shut down. I am sorry.” I leave it at that.
“So are we going to talk? Sometimes I wish we could do that silent conversing thing that you and Peter do, but we can’t, so let’s talk.” That’s something I’ve asked him about, but he says he can’t explain. It’s a brother thing, I guess.
“Not right now.” I can’t. Not yet. I still need time. Funny thing, time. I have had so much of it, but I still need more, crave more.
She huffs and crosses her arms.
“I should make you talk. I should be a total bitch and freeze you out and give you the silent treatment. That’s what any other girl would do.”
“Go ahead.”
She glares at me.
“Why is it that I’m so riled up and you’re always so calm?”
I touch her face and smile for a moment. “Because you are human.”
She rolls her eyes and sighs in disgust. “Ugh. I hate being human sometimes with all you perfect immortals around. It’s going to give me a complex.”
I run my thumb over her cheek. “You do not know how lucky you are to be human.”
That earns me another glare.
“Don’t give me that ‘I wish I was human’ crap. Every vampire, like ever, has done that routine. Except for Spike. I’m pretty sure he was cool with being a vamp. You remind me of Spike sometimes.” The pop culture reference goes right over my head.
I hold open my arms and she leans over and folds herself into them and I hold her for a while. “Feel better?”
“Yeah. It’s good I have you to be the voice of reason. Where have you been all my life? Oh, right, Russia. You ever gonna take me there?” I have thought about this, many times, and have not made a decision.
“Would you like to go?”
“As long as you get me one of those furry hats.”
“I will get you a furry hat,” I say and kiss her blazing lips.
Ava
Days pass, and I gain more and more control over my blood issues, but I still don’t feel safe enough to go back to work, so I keep up the appearance of doing so with Dad, and then just spend the day with Peter, and the days that Tex has off with her and Viktor. I even have a few days with Jamie and Brooke, and she gives me some tips on controlling myself. The rest of the time is for Dad, and we start going through Mom’s room. Some days we just sit and stare at it without saying a word. Other days we talk and tell stories about her. Other days Dad sits in there and cries and I pretend I don’t notice.
I read two more of my mother’s letters, those were more of the random sort, and the fifth letter made me laugh so hard, I swore my stomach was hurting, even though that’s impossible now. I am going through the pile one day and I notice that there is a letter with Tex’s na
me on it, and one for Jamie as well. Of course she would leave something for them. I tuck the letters in my purse so I can pull them out whenever I need to.
Peter and I try to spend some time apart each day, and it’s good for us. We need to learn how to function without each other. That was one of the things in Mom’s letters. That I needed to be me first, and part of a couple second. It was like she was watching and writing each letter to match the exact situation I was in.
Somehow the summer begins to pass, and it got easier to lie to Dad about the food thing because he throws himself into work, and I make a point to be busy right around dinnertime, and he’s always gone for breakfast.
Tex is my food alibi plenty of times, and Jamie volunteers as well. I still felt like shit about hurting him, but he keeps a happy face about it, and jokes that it’s just making his other arm really strong.
I’m living my double life as well as I can, but I’m still freaking out about how I’m going to get through my senior year. Dropping out is not an option. Dad and Aj would have had a litter of kittens (each) and then I would have been under even more scrutiny, and that is the last thing I want, so I’m going to have to deal with doing my senior year as an angel vampire. No sports for me (even if I’d played them in the first place).
I’m definitely going to get good grades, but I don’t know how being in a classroom full of potential food is going to work. Peter, once again, has volunteered to enroll with me, and this time I’m considering it.
I’m hanging out with Tex and Jamie and our significant others one afternoon right after July Fourth in the backyard of Tex’s house. It’s hot and the sun is beating down, so the immortals are sunbathing and the humans are tanning.
“Come on, please?” Tex has been trying to get me to take her flying, but I keep refusing. It isn’t just the skin contact issue. I’m terrified I’ll drop her, but she doesn’t seem too concerned about it.
“No way,” I say, flipping onto my back. I’m in a good mood because of the sun, and Tex pestering me is ruining it.
“Peter?” She turns her attention to him, but he’s even less likely than I am to give in to her. He just gives her one look, and she huffs. Why can’t I do that?
“You’re going to have to teach me how to do that,” I say as I watch him with my head turned to the side. “It’s only fair, I taught you how to smile.”
A sound from the house signals that Tex’s brother is coming outside. We’ve been trying to avoid him, but we can only do that so much because we don’t want to act suspicious, because then he’ll tattle on Tex and that doesn’t need to happen.
“Coby’s coming,” I say, flipping back over. His heart is racing a bit as he comes around to the back of the house and starts walking toward us.
“Why can’t he just go away?” Tex says, getting up and going to go yell at him.
“Because he’s a teenage boy,” I say, watching him walking toward us with his head up. That’s something I haven’t seen in a while.
“Coby! What have I told you about coming outside when I’m outside?”
“Uh oh, now he’s going to get it,” Jamie says, shading his eyes. “Is it weird that I find this kind of entertaining?”
It’s kind of sick as we watch as Tex yells at Coby. I feel for the kid, having Tex as a sister. I only have to put up with her as a friend, and that’s enough work already. She yells at him for a little while and then he crosses his arms and she sighs. He’s threatened to tell her parents about Viktor staying in her room if we don’t let him sit with us. Why he would want to is beyond me, but Tex grumbles and says it’s fine.
“I’m going to get some more lemonade,” she says, storming toward the house.
“Hey, Cobes,” Jamie says as Coby sits down next to me. He looks completely out of place with his skinny jeans and faded band t-shirt while we’re all in bathing suits.
Coby doesn’t answer Jamie, instead does something that makes me dive toward him.
He pulls out a knife and in one motion, slides it across his wrist and holds it up like a banner.
“Shit,” someone says and then I’m wrenching his arm toward me.
Blood. There is blood here. Lovely warm blood. A hand goes around my neck, trying to pry me away from Coby’s arm, but I pick him up, crushing his body to my face, hearing lots of snaps and cracks and feeling his bones breaking under me.
“Ava, you need to let go of him. Remember your control. Remember to listen to the heart.” Peter’s voice is calm, and I try to listen to it, to do what it says.
Listen to the heart. It is faint, fading fast. I need to stop, or else I will kill him. I detach my jaw from him and drop his body, pushing myself as far away as I can.
Once I snap back to myself, I realize what I’ve done. It’s always like this. The remorse always comes after.
“Oh my God. Oh my God.” It’s the only thing I can say as Peter picks me up and throws me over his shoulder. I don’t fight him as he runs as fast as he can, putting miles in between me and the broken and dying Coby.
Twenty-One
Peter
I knew the second he brought out the knife that what he was doing, but Ava moved too quickly for me. I tried to drag her away from him, but her strength was now a match for mine, and Viktor was busy with Brooke, who was also fighting to get to him.
If he had been further away when he did it, but he was only feet from her, and she was too quick. I should have been paying better attention. I should have . . .
After putting a few miles in between Ava and Coby, I set her down.
“What have I done? Oh God, did I kill him?” She looks at me with more anguish than I’ve seen on her face since her mother died.
“No, he was still alive. But he won’t be for long. There was too much damage. Viktor will make him a noctalis.” I know this without having to talk to Viktor. It was part of our unspoken conversation. He didn’t need to say it, but I know that was what he will do.
“He, what? He’s going to turn Coby?”
“Yes. That is the only way to keep him alive, so to speak. And that is exactly what Coby planned.”
“What? What are you talking about?” She sits down on the ground and stares at it as if it will give her the answers she needs.
“Viktor told him what we are, and he has been planning this, clearly. He knew that at least one of us would be helpless to resist the blood and there was a chance he could be turned. Or die. He was planning on that as well.” I didn’t need to know Coby’s story or talk to him to know this. I have seen it before.
“He wanted this? Why?” She forgets that there are many reasons for being what we are, and not all of them are about love. I couldn’t tell her Coby’s exact motives, but they didn’t really matter. What was done, was done.
“What are we going to do? What . . .” she pauses and closes her eyes. “What am I going to do about Tex? She’s never going to forgive me. Ever.”
“She will,” I say although I do not know that for sure.
“How can she? I just killed her little brother. I mean, I know she’s not his biggest fan, but I know she would die for him and I killed him. I killed him, Peter. Do you understand that?” She jumps up and punches me. I let her, because she needs to get this out.
“I killed him,” she says with another punch, and repeats it several times until she’s just screaming and punching me. She goes on for a while, because she doesn’t get tired, or worn out. I finally hold her arms and she collapses against me.
“We should have run. It would have been better if we had just made a clean break and didn’t go back. It would have been better for everyone if I just disappeared.”
“We still can. If you want.” Wherever she goes, that’s where I will go. She is my home.
Mine.
She looks up at me, her eyes dry, but her anguish evident.
“Really? You’d take me away?”
“Anywhere you want to go.”
She gives me a quick, burning kiss.
> “Okay.”
Tex
The second I hear the screams, I drop the lemonade glass and bolt out to the backyard. It takes my stupid human brain a full second to put the pieces of the picture together to figure out what the fuck is happening.
Viktor and Jamie are holding onto a shrieking Brooke and Peter is trying to separate two other people.
Ava and Coby. As soon as I see Coby’s body crushed in Ava’s arms, I know.
I know that my worst fears, the fears that I haven’t even considered, because they are just that bad, are coming true before my eyes.
In the space of time it takes me to run to them, Peter has pulled Ava off him and gone away. Viktor finally gets Brooke to stop, and she turns and runs as well, Jamie following behind, calling out to her.
I fall to my knees beside Coby. His body is bleeding and mangled, that’s the only way I can describe it. His eyes are wide open, and he’s making a horrible gurgling noise that sounds like he’s drowning every time he breathed.
“Coby? Coby!” I scream his name and hold his head. His eyes look up into my face and he tries to say something.
“Do you want me to change him?” Viktor says, kneeling next to me. I stare at him as if he’s spoken a foreign language. What does he mean?
“I need to know if you want me to change him, now, or else he will die within the next five minutes.”
I look back at Coby and he tries to reach his hand up. His throat gurgles again and I start to sob.
“I can’t let him die. I can’t let him die.” It seems to be the only thing I can say. Two seconds ago, I’d been bitching about Coby in my head and now I’m holding him, making the choice to let him live as an immortal or die.
I can’t let him die.
“Do it,” I say, kissing Coby’s forehead and moving his hair out of his eyes.
I don’t watch as Viktor does it, instead focusing on Coby’s eyes, but my vision is blurred by tears.
Questions detonate like bombs in my mind and I can’t stop my head from spinning.