I sip my coffee and look around slowly, remembering how this is supposed to look in the future-the restaurants, breweries and little shops that will be erected. Then I feel the memory coming on fast, and the rush in my head takes over.
It's a Friday night. We are with a group of work friends. It's our goodbye party for Michael and Bjorn. We make our way to an eclectic little bar that has recently opened. A friend of ours is deejaying there.
Tonight is different from any other night. Michael and I have a secret. Nobody knows and nobody needs to. The night before, we stepped over the line from being close friends to something more. What it is, we're still not sure, but we know that there's love between us.
It was not a one night stand. It was not a foolish mistake. It wasn't expected or planned, but it was right. Tonight, in the midst of fun and laughter, there is a slight sadness that weaves its way through my veins.
When I head to the restroom, I sense Michael sneaking up behind me and feel him wrap his arms around me. He does it when we are out of sight of everyone else. He's confirming our secret, our moment, our mutual feelings. I don't know if I will see him again, but tonight he is mine and I am his. And no one needs to know.
I snap back to the present and feel instantly drained. Some of these episodes are getting more intense and physical. It's almost as if I leave my body and cannot control my surroundings. I'm transported to that moment in the future/past and it's as if I'm watching it unfold like a movie. I look around to see if anyone is watching me. Luckily, I'm still alone.
Still shaken from the life-like memory, I decide to go to the only place I've come to feel safe in moments like these.
CHAPTER 52
Astrid opens the door before I even knock. "Jennifer, it's so good to see you. I sensed you were coming so I put on some tea," she says, letting me in.
I remain quiet after entering her house. Astrid steps back and assesses me, then shakes her head slightly. "You saw more, didn't you," she states. I nod and make my way to her couch to rest.
She goes to the kitchen and quickly returns with two cups of tea, then sits down next to me. She doesn't press me for details. I suppose she doesn't have to. She's probably already getting a sensation of what I experienced or what happened with Joe.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. Since I've arrived, the weather has drastically changed and rain is starting to fall. Instinctively I curl my legs up on the couch as I would at my own home. I silently sip my tea and listen to the soothing tick of her wall clock.
Astrid gently clears her throat and takes a drink of tea before setting it on the coffee table. "You still haven't heard from Joe?" she asks.
Although her question reminds me that she has an unsettling "gift" that I'll never have, I appreciate not having to explain the details of last night. I shake my head.
"Don't worry about it. He'll be there when you get home. And save yourself the trip getting Olivia. He will already have picked her up," she says matter-of-factly. How she can see some recent events clearly and not others still bewilders me.
I look at her and laugh. "Astrid, you are my saving grace in all of this," I say gratefully.
She shrugs. "Oh, I know," she jokingly retorts.
"So what do you want to do about your situation?" she asks, after a moment of mutual silence. Her question strikes me as odd. I'm not sure that I even have the luxury of doing anything about it at this point in time.
I look at her in confusion. "I don't really know what you mean. I don't think I have much choice but to just let things happen until we hear from John," I reply.
"Now, Jennifer, yes and no. You have to remember that you are still going to be given opportunities, just as you were given in your life before?or later, I guess I should say," she jokes. "If Michael didn't exist, if you didn't have any knowledge of him, would you stay in this marriage with Joe?" she challenges.
I'm caught off guard by this question. I hadn't given it much thought. I have stayed with Joe because it felt like the safest place to be. I've been terrified of doing anything drastic that could affect Olivia, or cause unnecessary chaos. But when I really think about it, deep down, and still being who I am, Joe is not the one for me.
"Aha," she says looking at me with a smirk on her face. Damn it, Astrid, stop reading me!
She places her hands on my knees. "You see, my love, there are more lives and futures at stake than just yours," she calmly states.
My fears of being alone, being ostracized, and being out of control instantly wash over me. If I leave Joe, then I have to start back down a road that I've already walked. If Michael never comes around, I may be alone, divorced and a single mother?again?.and for what? I can't see anyone winning by me just up and leaving!
"What are you saying? That I should just leave him and tear our family apart?" I defensively ask.
"Jennifer, I'm saying that by staying with Joe you may be preventing him from fulfilling his destiny," she calmly replies.
"Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest. And though I still can't see what your future holds, I'm starting to see Joe's. And honey, you aren't in it as his wife," she says, before rising from the couch and walking towards the kitchen.
Her words punch me in my gut and take the breath right out of me. I'm not unhappy with Joe, but I know this is not a real marriage. Over the last several months I've become complacent, especially after I stopped remembering my past with Michael. Now that I'm completely aware of his existence and somewhat remember the life we shared, I honestly can't imagine staying with Joe forever.
The truth is, I haven't considered him in all of this. In the midst of worrying about my own life and what I've lost, I have forgotten that he too deserves better. He's not mine. Joe belongs to someone else.
I put my mug down on the table and walk into the kitchen. Astrid is stirring a pot of something on the stove. "Is that a potion?" I ask her naively.
"I'm a psychic, Jennifer, not a witch," she chuckles. "But this is a beverage that helps calm the nerves?..you might want to drink some," she jokes.
I shake my head. "You're right," I concede.
"Honey, it's not me telling you this. It's fate. I can't say that I blame you for staying with Joe. I know all the reasons that you are and I can't say that I wouldn't do the same. But you aren't doing him or yourself any favors by staying. In fact, you may be damning up the river-if you know what I mean," she says with a wink.
And I do. I'm stopping the natural flow of things. I've always been one to advise against fighting the current.
I lean in to hug Astrid and she embraces me tightly in return. "I'll see you later," I say as I walk out of the room.
"Sooner than you think!" she calls from the kitchen.
CHAPTER 53
I keep the radio off on the drive home to help me think and formulate my speech. Knots fill my stomach and I'm on the verge of throwing up. I am so consumed with nerves that I don't know if I should laugh or cry when approaching the driveway.
Joe's truck is parked in a different spot than this morning, so I assume Astrid's vision is correct and Olivia is home as well. I take a deep breath before shutting off the car.
"Damn it!" I say exhaling. I don't have to go through with this. I could keep living this life as I have been. But I know it would be wrong to take a life away from Joe that he deserves, even if he isn't aware of its existence.
I'm hearing the sound of the television as I walk towards the front door. When I open it, Olivia turns away from the show she's watching and runs to greet me with a big hug.
"Hi, baby girl," I say, picking her up and squeezing her tight.
"Mommy, I missed you so much!" she says with a squeal. Relishing in her embrace, I take in the scent of baby shampoo mixed with kid sweat and kiss her chubby cheek before setting her down.
"Go watch your show, honey. Mommy needs to talk to daddy," I say, warding off tears.
I glance around the house, but there's no sign of Joe. "Where is he?
" I ask Olivia.
"Outside," she says, fixated on the dancing ballerina on the television.
I make my way to the patio doors and peak out to look for him. He's rigorously cleaning the barbecue grill. "Hi," I say, sheepishly making my way over to him.
He doesn't budge from his task of scrubbing the grill. "Hi," he mumbles back.
I'm hesitant to broach the subject. He doesn't appear to be in the mood to talk. "Can we talk?" I ask.
He continues scrubbing for a few seconds before acknowledging me. I wait in silence until he decides to put the brush down and turns to face me. He looks exhausted, his eyes are heavy and his body is slightly hunched.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asks flatly.
I'm a little put off by his resentful tone, but I know I need to do this sooner than later. I remind myself that Joe is not a wordsmith, nor as good at expressing his emotions as I am. I've got to be patient with this process.
"Well, about?.us," I say timidly.
He stares at me for a minute, then sighs deeply. "I guess," he begrudgingly replies.
I look back at the house and realize that we won't be able to do this with Olivia here. "Let me just take her to my dad's house first," I say.
"Why?" he asks abruptly. "Is this that serious?"
I look back at him and make firm eye contact. "It's necessary," I calmly reply.
Before he can argue, I go back inside, call my dad and pack Olivia up.
When dropping her off, I'm quick and vague about why we need an hour alone. Dad and Mary don't seem concerned and are happy to spend time with her.
On the quick drive home, I run the conversation through my head to prepare myself. However, these words are lost to me when arriving back at the house. Joe is just getting out of the shower when I walk in. I pray he's more relaxed now. I'm increasingly nervous while making my way back to our bedroom. I take off my shoes and jacket and slowly sit on the edge of the bed. My body is so tense I can barely move.
While I wait for the right moment to speak, Joe slips on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He then sits down on his side of the bed and puts on a pair of socks, keeping his back to me.
"Joe, I need to be honest with you about something," I begin. He remains silent, still not facing me. "But I need you to be open and not get angry," I gently continue.
"There's someone else, isn't there?" he abruptly asks.
His question catches me off guard. How does he know? How would he know? After mentally rationalizing that there's no way he could know about Michael, I get up from my side of the bed and move closer to Joe.
"Yes and no," I carefully respond. He lifts up his chin and his eyes meet mine. They're pleading, as pools of tears well up in them. I can barely look at him.
"Joe, this is hard to explain, but?there's someone else ?for you," I attempt.
His forehead wrinkles with confusion. "What are you talking about?" he replies, growing frustrated. "There isn't anyone else!"
I take a deep breath and devise how to respond. "I know there isn't?.at least not right now. But I know, deep down, that you deserve and will get so much more from someone else than I can offer you," I calmly explain.
He quickly stands up and begins to pace, head down in his usual thinking position. "How can you say that?" he raises his voice. "We have a daughter! We have a life! We've been together for SO long!" he argues.
I'm now unsure of how to make him see what I know in my heart and in my mind. I love him in some way. Maybe as the father of my child, or my first love, or as the friend that he's become. But I don't love him the way I love Michael or the way that Rachel will love Joe if they find their way to each other again.
I stand up and softly grab his arms so he'll stop pacing. I then take his hands in mine in an attempt to calm him down.
"Joe, I know all of that. I cherish all of it too. I know that you don't understand why I'm doing this, but you have to listen to me," I plead. He looks at me with questions in his eyes. Olivia makes this same face when she is sad-it's heart wrenching. "Please believe me Joe. I've not cheated on you, I haven't betrayed you. But I know at the core of my soul that I am NOT the one you are supposed to be with," I say convincingly.
"I don't want to hurt you, or Olivia, or anyone in our family, but if I keep you from what I know you deserve, I'll end up hurting you more. And I don't want to take that experience away from you."
"What do you mean? What experience?" he asks, slightly frantic.
Michael's face appears in my mind. "Real love," I simply say.
Joe remains quiet, still not comprehending what I'm trying to convey. He's overwhelmed and confused by how quickly everything's changed. I'm sure he thought we were just having a regular marital argument, and now I am trying my best to persuade him that he's better off without me while being vague in my reasoning. I hold his clammy hand tighter and prepare to beg him to understand.
"I want you to experience the kind of love that makes you feel emotions you never thought possible. Love that makes you drop your guard and be vulnerable to any kind of pain you might endure, just to have the pleasure of experiencing it, even if only for a short time. Love that makes you feel as if you're with your oldest friend, but new acquaintance-all at once. You deserve to be with the person, that even in a moment of anger, you can still look at and know that there's no other place you would rather be than with them. Someone that you know you were put on this earth to find and love completely. And if you woke up one day and they were gone, you would gladly walk to the ends of the earth to find them?..and do it all over again," I say, beginning to cry.
Joe says nothing, but a tear streams down his cheek. He moves in to hug me, his body slumping into my embrace. He's innocently childlike. "I'm sorry you don't love me like that," he strains. "What can I do?" he begs, pulling back to face me. I shake my head and look to the floor, unable to look into his sorrowful eyes.
"Joe, it isn't you, it isn't anything about you. You deserve better than what I can give you and I won't let you settle for less. I know that you feel horrible, and mad, and sad, but please believe that I don't want to hurt you. I want to part the right way. I want us to raise our daughter together, to be friends, to help her grow up and be happy. I don't want us to fight. I want us to be kind to each other. I want us to be a family, even if we're living in different houses-with different people," I explain though my sobs.
I can see he's now overwhelmed. I've said too much and he can't absorb it fast enough, so I decide to sit on the bed and give him some space.
"So, do you want me to leave?" he asks sadly.
I shake my head slowly. "No, of course not. We can do this slowly. We don't have to rush it. And for Olivia's sake, I want to be careful in how we handle the situation," I reply solemnly.
I'm suddenly drained from this conversation. Everything's catching up with me. The trade show, the late angry night before, my conversation with Astrid, and finally this. Now that I've done it, there's no going back. My safe place has been altered. I'm now floating again in this life with uncertainty surrounding me. The one constant I had, has now been broken apart. I pray that I am doing the right thing.
Joe can tell I'm exhausted, as I'm now lying curled up on the bed. He sits down next to me. I adjust my position as the bed tilts underneath me from his weight. "OK," he agrees, lightly rubbing my back. Then he gets up and walks out of the room.
A few minutes later Joe announces from the living room that he's going to get Olivia. I let down when hearing his truck start outside. I'm so tired from the emotional battle inside my body. I don't know where to go from here.
I've dismantled my family, and set myself up for solitude. I am now more afraid of the unknown than ever. To top it all off, the one person who I'd normally run to for comfort is oblivious to the fact that I need him right now.
CHAPTER 54
Joe and I decide it's best to start the process of separating slowly. I know he needs that as much as Olivia does. In fear of
pushing him too far, I go along with it. The first time we separated, I was hasty to start my new life and it was too much for him. I want to go at a pace that's comfortable for him, yet sets the boundaries of where our marriage stops and our new friendship starts.
I tell Olivia that I'm moving into the guest room because daddy snores. The first few nights she asks me when he will quit snoring. After a week, she stops being inquisitive and accepts the guest room as Mommy's new sleeping quarters.
We keep our nightly routine the same. It's easy, considering there wasn't really anything romantic between us. The only difference is dropping the pet names and the occasional kiss "hello" or "goodbye." That comes easier for me to let go of then it does for Joe. We've only had one awkward moment in front of Olivia when he came home and routinely went to kiss me. I instinctively pulled back. Olivia thought it was a game and laughed at us. Joe walked away embarrassed.
Work is my salvation. I'm able to walk in and leave my troubles at the door. It's like its own ecosystem there. I can actually breathe. Even though Michael is still technically an acquaintance, I have relaxed more around him and he occasionally jokes with and teases me. This is a good sign, as I know it means he feels comfortable.