pile of chopped Ninjas in the road, and proceeded to trample over them with their ‘brass band’ boots.”
David thought Mr Ken Wong was absolutely the best, and was definitely going to visit him that afternoon.
After school David walked to the end of the street and approached the oriental restaurant, with the stories of Ken Wong’s heroic deeds still fresh in his mind. The restaurant wasn’t open so David pulled the heavy gold chain, which rang a large gold bell shaped like a dragon’s head. Instantly, Ken appeared at the door asking how he might be of assistance.
“Good afternoon Mr Ken Wong, I am your new neighbour” said David.
Ken invited David inside to sample some hot curry and joked that he was a master of many martial arts including his two favourites, running and hiding. Unfortunately, there was no rice in the restaurant to go with the curry so David and Ken Wong jumped onto a rickshaw and headed to the local rice plantation. David was sure that a rickshaw would be a nice safe means of transport, and was not worried about the possibility of getting into any dangerous situations. The rickshaw journey started well but as the rickety rickshaw exited Possum Road, Ken noticed an approaching hoard of around 100 Nuisance-Ninjas also riding rickshaws.
Ninjas:
Small but very fast people who are always hiding. They surprise people by suddenly jumping out from behind trees.
They saw Ken and immediately started peddling towards him shouting nasty Ninja warnings. Luckily, as Ken is the world’s fastest rickshaw rider, he could easily pull away from the mass of pursuing Ninjas. They soon arrived at the rice plantation, dived in and hurriedly gathered enough rice to last a whole week. As they jumped back on the Rickshaw, they could see the Ninjas coming round the corner and fast approaching. Ken started peddling as fast as possible, but the heavy rice was slowing him down and the Ninjas were slowly catching up.
“FASTER, FASTER KEN WONG!”
shouted David, but the Ninjas were now close enough to start throwing bananas and walnuts which hit David on his head. This wasn’t particularly painful but was certainly inconvenient. Ken decided he had to take drastic action so made a phone call to his deadly relatives who also ran local restaurants. He explained the situation, and the deadly relatives agreed something must be done. David and Mr Ken Wong arrived back in Possum Road just as the Ninjas had caught up with them.
Ken got off his Rickshaw and quickly turned to face the arriving Ninjas. 100 Ninjas all got off their Rickshaws and started giving Ken evil and menacing stares. Not only did the Ninjas give evil stares but they also started pulling offensive facial expressions, like sticking their chins out and lowering their eyebrows. Mr Ken Wong was extremely offended by their stupid faces and flew straight into a flurry of lightning fast Karate chops, as he propelled himself towards them. Ten Ninjas were immediately chopped but there were many more to deal with. It seemed there would be just too may Ninjas, even for Mr Ken Wong to chop. David decided his fighting skills were limited to fighting his way out of bed in the morning but had the brilliant idea of getting his new friend Studs to help out. He ran over to Stud’s house and found him already standing in his front garden, wondering what all the fuss was about.
“STUDS, COME AND HELP!” shouted David.
Studs’ evil eyes lit up, as he put on his Viking helmet and started charging towards the mass of Kung foolery shouting “Death to all Ninjas”. He immediately grabbed about twenty Ninjas and threw them high up in the sky. The mass kung foolery suddenly stopped as everybody watched the twenty Ninjas flying high in the sky and then come plummeting down to earth. Unfortunately, they all landed on Studs and knocked him out cold. Then, with a loud Hi-Yah, the fighting re-started as suddenly as it had stopped. Studs hadn’t really been much help to Mr Ken Wong who had now chopped about fifty of the nuisance Ninjas but was still struggling with the remaining fifty. Just when it looked as if the Ninjas could win the battle of Possum Road, there was great relief as another large group of Rickshaws came over the horizon and arrived on the scene. Each Rickshaw contained one of Ken’s deadly relatives and a small Chinese dragon. The deadly Wong family members charged at the Ninjas and were soon exchanging chops, kicks and painful Chinese burns. The fifty Chinese Dragons jumped out of the rickshaws and ran around looking as menacing as possible and biting the enemies ankles. David thought the dragons were actually fairly useless and really looked more like sausage dogs wearing masks. The chopping and kicking continued for about an hour, with most of the neighbours now watching. It seemed there could be no end to this battle, when suddenly a huge and vey noisy machine appeared at the end of Possum Road. The machine turned out to be a Threshing Machine which Lucky Stanley had borrowed from the local spud farm. He planned to use it to bring the fighting to an end.
Threshing Machine:
A large frightening farming contraption for mangling and pulverising anything in its way. Can also be used to stop street fighting incidents.
Lucky Stanley’s driving skills were well known throughout the village, and the thought of him driving a threshing machine along Possum Road filled everybody with terror. The Ninjas, the Wong family members, the neighbours and David all started running around hysterically, not knowing which way to turn. Then the Ninjas and the deadly relatives jumped on their Rickshaws and pedaled away as fast as possible. The remaining Neighbours ran into their houses, leaving only Ken, David and the unconscious Studs still in the street. As Stanley is blind, he was not aware that the kung foolery had stopped so he slowly but noisily started to drive the threshing machine along Possum Road.
“STOP” shouted David,
but Stanley couldn't hear him over the noisy threshing machine which slowly but surely moved towards the unconscious Studs. David and Ken tried desperately to roll Studs out of the way, but as Studs weighs 30 stone, this was not possible. It seemed that Studs was doomed to be sliced and diced into many tiny pieces. Then David had another brilliant idea, he grabbed Ken’s Rickshaw and rolled it in front of the terrifying threshing machine. The metal rickshaw managed to jam in its jaws and the threshing machine ground to a halt just as it was about to mash Studs into a million pieces. Stanley who was sitting on top of the threshing machine was catapulted through the air by the sudden stop.
Most people who find themselves flying high up in the air, would most certainly land on something painful like a hedgehog or a cactus, but of course Stanley landed on some luxury mattresses which were being carried along Possum Road by some passing mattress thieves.
Then Studs woke up and looked at Mr Ken Wong with a knowing stare. Every time that Studs has any kind of accident, he always suspects that Stanley was somehow involved and has to chase him around the village. Mr Ken Wong passed Studs a Chinese frying pan and he chased Stanley down the street. Although Stanley always wears his extra dark sunglasses he will remove them under extreme circumstances, for example, when he is being chased by Studs and needs to get away.
Mr Ken Wong looked sadly at his mangled Rickshaw so David passed him the leaflet advertising the Bottomhamsted Main Event. Mr Ken Wong smiled and gave David a mild Chinese Burn which was a sure sign that he was very happy indeed.
WILLAN WISE
World’s wisest man
The day before the much anticipated Main Event, David was on his way to school, still thinking about the great time he’d had with Mr Ken Wong and the Ninjas. He arrived at the school, went inside and decided to pay a quick visit to the loo before going to class. As he went down the corridor towards the loos, he heard what sounded like a riot. Apparently, one of the school’s more stupid boys had decided to use one of the toilet cubicles. It is a well known fact that the cubicles in the boys toilets are never to be used for what they were designed for. They can only be used for hiding, smoking or flushing people’s heads down. As soon as word got round the school that somebody was actually using a cubicle, the inevitable riot started. First, about ten boys burst into the toilets and started kicking the cubicle door. Two more boys then turned up with some firework
s, lit them and threw them into the cubicle. Then another boy arrived with an axe he had borrowed from the woodwork department and started to smash the cubicle door down. By this time, the unfortunate boy inside the toilet had finished what he was doing and was starting to get worried. As the door was finally smashed down, the rioting boys charged into the cubicle causing it to actually burst open, sending cubicle door and wall fragments in all directions. All the boys ended up in a pile, but got up and ran out of the toilet as quickly as possible before any teachers arrived on the scene. David decided he would wait until later to use the loo and proceeded to Mrs Wigglit’s class.
He was slightly late and found that Mrs Wigglit had already started describing a man called ‘Willan' who was the neighbour of the day.
“Willan is a very respectable gentleman who is always available to offer sound advice and wise words during any incidents. His advice is so sound and wise, that very stupid and unwise people travel from far and wide just to attend his wiseness seminars. Although Willan is famous for his wisdom, some suspicious people suspect that he hides a secret. Some even say he is the illusive super hero known as Wise-Man, arch enemy of the evil