“It’s just that sometimes I want to be serious.”
“Er,” Lu said. “Okay.”
They were standing in front of one of those beautiful old brownstones Lu always passed. She would look in the windows, but she never knew anyone who lived there so never had a reason or an invitation to go inside. She and Will had finished the last of her cone, and their hands were empty and they had nothing left to do.
“So, should we start the Bill Murray marathon?” Will asked, kicking the front step absently with the toe of his sneaker.
“Yeah, okay.”
“You have to be quiet though, Miss Talkypants. If my parents knew I was watching a movie with a girl the night before school started, they’d be pissed.”
“How big is your apartment? Won’t they hear us?”
“Nah, probably not, if they’re on the third floor with their door closed. We’ll just be stealthy. Come on.”
“The third floor? Wait—you live here?”
Lu realized then, in the middle of everything, that she’d never been to Will’s apartment. They just usually met other places.
“Yeah. Pick your jaw up off the floor. A bee might fly in and sting your vocal cords, and then you’ll never be able to ask another dumb question for the rest of your life.”
Lu clamped her mouth shut and glared at him.
Lu watched him walk up the steps ahead of her. Watching a movie with a girl. So Will thought of her as a girl.
They were superquiet until Will tripped on a pair of his own sneakers, which had been lying in the hallway outside his room, and they both tried hard not to laugh, and whispered a lot of shhs.
“No, but shh for real this time.”
“You shh for real!”
“Where the hell are we? A museum? Is that a staircase? Are we in a ballroom?”
“Shut up, Luella.”
“How will I know which room is yours? I feel like we’re in a hedge maze.”
“Well, for starters, you could be quiet and follow me.”
Eventually Will turned down a hallway and opened the second door on the right. Lu followed him in, and he flicked on the light before closing the door behind her.
“You have a flat-screen in your bedroom?”
Will shrugged. “Yeah, is that weird?”
Lu shrugged. “I don’t know. Kind of?”
“Make yourself comfy,” said Will, motioning to the bed. “What do you want to start with?” He crouched next to a haphazard stack of DVDs and video games by the TV. “Oh, I know!” Using expert Jenga-playing moves, he extracted a case from the middle of the pile, popped the DVD into the player, and hopped up onto the bed next to her. He tossed the case onto her lap.
“Oh no.”
“Oh yes. Your Bill Murray education commences!”
“This movie looks so dumb.”
“Caddyshack is not dumb. It’s a comedy classic.”
Lu jumped off the bed and began inspecting the DVD pile.
“You own Lost in Translation?” She raised an eyebrow at him. “I thought you’d never seen it.”
“I got it after you told me about it.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, I know you don’t believe me, but I actually do listen to you, Luella.”
“Lu.”
“Whatever. Are we watching this or not?”
Lu jumped back onto the bed next to him.
“Fine, but I get to hold the remote.” She grabbed it from him.
“Fine,” he said.
“Fine.” She stuck her tongue out at him.
Will leaned in really fast and kissed her. Closed mouth, no tongue. Lu reared back, her eyes wide.
“I— What?”
“Sorry. That was unexpected.”
“No kidding.”
They sat in silence for a minute, staring in shock at the TV as the antipiracy warning played.
“Besides, that wasn’t even very good,” Lu mumbled.
“Oh really? And you’re some expert?”
Lu shrugged. “You’re not supposed to keep your lips so stiff. And, like, you can use your tongue.”
Will stared at her blankly. Lu sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Stay still. Like this.”
She leaned in. Will closed his eyes, but she kept hers open. When her lips touched his, she opened her mouth and let her tongue graze his. Then she pulled away.
“Uh,” said Will. “Okay, your version wins.”
Lu leaned back and crossed her arms, smiling, satisfied. “I know.” She selected play on the movie menu.
“Wait.” Will turned to her. “That’s it?”
“I thought you wanted me to watch Caddyshack.”
“It suddenly doesn’t seem that important,” Will said. He leaned in again, and when his lips touched hers, she felt goose bumps all along her arms. This time she closed her eyes. Their mouths were open. He tasted like olive oil gelato. At least it wasn’t mushroom.
Will’s hands moved up her body, tracing her nonexistent curves, pushing her back onto the bed. He was heavy on top of her, but she didn’t mind. It felt kind of nice, actually. Against every conceivable rule of logic, Lu found herself pulling him closer. She felt this sudden inescapable chasm between them, like if she let go, she might never see him again. She might lose him. High school was starting the next day. Their lives were about to change forever. He was going to join the soccer team and become one of those soccer guys. But none of that had happened yet. Tonight he was hers. She had to mark him so that no one else would ever be as special to him as her.
“You can take my shirt off,” Lu whispered.
Will pulled back and stared at her.
“I can?”
“Do you need me to ask you twice?”
“Hell no,” said Will. Her shirt went fluttering to the floor. He stared at her bra in dismay.
“Need some help?” Lu asked.
“Why are you even wearing one of those? It’s not like you need it.”
“Shut up, Will!”
Will fumbled to unhook her bra, like if he waited even a half a second longer, Lu, her bra, and the entire room would melt away into a third dimension and he’d have missed his chance forever. Lu thought maybe that had even happened, that they’d gotten sucked into a time warp or something and she’d missed it, because the next thing she knew she was completely naked, and so was Will.
“It’s cold,” she said. Will covered them with a blanket. His skin was warm against hers. “Have you ever, like, done this before?”
“Have you?”
“I asked you first.”
“Do you always have to win? Can’t you just be, like, honest and real with me for, like, two seconds, Keebler?”
It was kind of hard to joke around when you were flat on your back, naked.
“No,” she said. “It’s my first time.”
Will looked relieved. “Mine too.”
Will smiled and then so did Lu. He kissed her very, very gently.
“Good.”
“Good.”
“So,” said Lu, because she talked when she was nervous. “I guess, we’re probably going to have sex.”
“I guess.”
Lu reeled back a little, mostly at her own surprise. She hadn’t intended to say it out loud, but now that she’d heard herself say it, it sounded crazy. Obviously she knew everything about it from health class—even how to put a condom on a banana. But the idea of actually doing it with another human being felt like light-years away. Like, Star-Trek-Enterprise-going-into-hyperspace far away. She suddenly felt dizzy.
“Wait!” she said, pushing him off her and sitting up. She clutched the blanket to her chest so he couldn’t see anything, which was ridiculous since he already had.
“Hey.” Will sat up too. “Are you okay?”
“No,” Lu said, realizing as she said it that it was true. “No, I—I can’t do this. I have to go.” She was already thinking about where her shoes were and how to get to them without Will seeing her naked butt. “
Shit, what time is it?”
“Almost ten thirty, I think.”
“What? How did it get so late? I told my mom I’d be home, like, half an hour ago.”
“Oh.” Will looked disappointed. “Okay. But hey, listen, I wanted to say—”
“Can you move over? You’re on my underwear.”
Will held it up. “These? They’re cute.” He waggled his eyebrows. Lu closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears from coming. She had no idea why she was about to cry. It was all just too much. She needed to put some clothes on and sit in her bedroom, alone, and process what had almost just happened.
“Stop,” she said. “Please just give them to me.”
She fumbled to get dressed under the blankets. Will looked like he wanted to ask her something but was too afraid to spit it out.
That was the moment Lu realized just how much this meant to her, everything they’d spent the summer building, every weird and kind-of-wonderful moment. It meant so much to her and she had been about to do this huge life-changing thing that could risk everything. And what if it didn’t mean as much to Will? What if none of this did? Everything was suddenly coming crashing down around her.
What if he didn’t feel the same way about her that she felt about him? They’d been friends for so many years, since they were little kids, basically. And this summer everything had changed so quickly. And high school was about to start, and things were about to change even more.
Besides, Lu didn’t believe in love anyway. It always ended. Just look at her parents.
Her heart still hurt so much from her dad leaving. She didn’t think it was strong enough to handle getting hurt again. It would break into a thousand pieces, and it would be impossible to put back together.
She had to get out of there. She knew, in the worst way you can know something, that she couldn’t let this go any further. She had to be the one to end it.
“Wait,” Will said. “Stop rushing, okay?”
She stood up and yanked on the rest of her clothes. “I really have to go. See you at school tomorrow.”
“Okay, I guess. See you, Keebler.” Will’s voice was soft and rough at the same time, like corduroy. It gave her goose bumps.
It also hurt in a way that she never felt before. Somewhere physical but not at all physical. Behind her ribs but not exactly in her lungs. Somewhere just below it. Where her heart was supposed to be. She never wanted to feel that way again.
Outside, her phone buzzed with its fifth new text message. It was really late.
She’d forgotten all about Tiny.
Wil1
Wait. What had just happened?
Will jumped out of bed and reached for his cargo shorts. He stopped before he put on his T-shirt, and stared at the full-length mirror. He’d lost some of the weight, right? Was he so hideous that she couldn’t stand to touch him? She had flown out of there as fast as if she had been a cartoon roadrunner.
He threw the T-shirt on and fumbled into his sneakers. He ran down the stairs and out the front door.
Luella was standing on the street, staring at her phone.
“Luella!” he shouted. She looked up at him sharply. A dog barked down the street. “Lu. Sorry. Lu.”
“What are you doing, Will?”
“I just wanted to . . . Hey, can we talk about this? What just happened?”
Lu looked suspicious.
“Okay. I guess.”
“Look, Lu,” he said, his voice serious. “I was thinking—”
“Stop,” she said, “just stop.” Lu was smiling a weird tight-lipped smile. Will stared at her in surprise. It didn’t look like her at all. Something had changed really quickly, and Will had no idea when or how or why. He just knew that it was his fault. He had done something to make her run away. Maybe it was something he didn’t even realize. Maybe it was just . . . how he was. Maybe she was running away from him. “We all know what’s going to happen when we start school. You have a whole new life ahead of you. You’re going to be on the soccer team and leave all your mathlete friends behind, and you’re never going to want to be seen with a theater girl like me. And I’m going to try out for every play and hang out with super unbearably artsy kids and go to indie concerts and probably start smoking cloves.”
“Cloves?”
“Yeah. Cloves. And my friends will judge guys like you, and your friends will probably talk shit about me and my friends. So why don’t we just cut our losses and quit while we’re ahead? You go your way, I’ll go mine. No hard feelings—it’ll save you the trouble of doing it later. Okay?”
“What?” Will’s face crumpled. She was lying. He knew her lying face so well.
“Really,” Lu said. “No hard feelings. It was a great summer. But it’s over now.”
Will clenched his jaw.
“That’s what you were going to say, right?”
It didn’t matter now, what he was going to say. She had said enough for the both of them. And then his face hardened into something tighter, colder. Everything was so messed up, and it had happened so quickly. Everything that had made this summer the best summer of his life was slipping through his fingers. All he had wanted was to impress her. He was changing himself for her. The whole reason he had wanted to join the soccer team was for her.
And she was throwing it all back in his face. How could she do that to him? What kind of person was she?
Lu could never love him the way he loved her. She was cold. She was heartless. Where her heart was, there was nothing but a gaping black hole. She felt nothing.
Will could be that way too. He could show her. Suddenly he didn’t want to be himself anymore. He wanted to be someone different. Someone who didn’t care about anyone.
“Sure,” he replied. “If you say so.”
Something had changed inside him. It only took a moment.
Lu pursed her lips. “All right then.”
Will looked at her. There was more he wanted to say, but he didn’t. “Enjoy high school.” Then he turned and jogged up the steps of the stoop, past the red tin mailbox, and through the black lacquered door of the brownstone that stood between two potted cone-shaped shrubs.
The next day was the first day of the rest of everything. Will would make sure of that.
NOW
4:00 A.M.
(4 HOURS LEFT)
THE TOPOGRAPHY OF A MEMORY
Wi1l
The minerals and gems sparkled around them in the dark. Lu’s head was on his chest, and the dark wet spots on his shirt had grown into one big teary wet patch.
“Lu”—he took a deep breath—“when you left that night, did you do it because you were embarrassed to be with me? Did you think—did you think I was gross?”
Lu reared back. “What?”
“You know. Because I looked like . . . this. Because I wasn’t ripped like the guys on the soccer team. Or some cool band guy like Owen. Because I wasn’t, like, hot, I guess. Someone you would want to be with.”
“How do you know who I want to be with?” Lu said.
“But why do you like me? I’m messy and complicated. I have so many issues and I need everyone to like me. You should be with someone like Owen, or Jasper. Someone cool and easy.”
“Right.” She snorted. “Because I’m so uncomplicated? I like you because you’re you, not in spite of it.”
“Really?”
“Of course. I liked you that summer because you were there for me when I needed someone. You made me laugh. You let me be me.”
Will shook his head. “Even though I was ugly.”
“You know what, Will? I didn’t think that. I thought you were cute. I still think so! And this may come as a shock to you, but I’ve never thought Jon Heller was cute. I’ve never wanted to be with someone like him. And Owen is too obsessed with himself, and I don’t even know Jasper. I like you for you, Will. I always have.”
Will’s heart expanded in him, like one of those capsules you put in water that expands into an animal-shaped sp
onge. He wondered if his heart looked like an elephant, or a koala. He shook his head. “That’s so crazy.”
“Why is that crazy?”
“Because you’re the whole reason I wanted to change.” He sat there, imagining his tiny capsule of a heart expanding into a big orange gorilla. “So why did you do it, then? Why did you leave? Why did you say all that stuff?”
Lu twisted. “I’m messed up. I really, really liked you. I was just afraid you didn’t like me back in the same way.”
“Wow. We were real idiots at fourteen.”
“Seriously.”
“Do you think we’ve gotten smarter since then?”
Lu let out a big breath. “Man, I hope so.”
Lu opened her mouth to say something else, but Will moved in fast, kissing her before she could say a word. She resisted at first, but soon she let her hand rest on his cheek.
“Even though we didn’t do it, you’ll always be my first everything, Will Kingfield,” she whispered.
They sat next to each other, their backs against the wall, surrounded by sparkling rocks and gems.
“Will,” Lu said, “if you change back tonight, or if you don’t, you’ll still be you. You know that, right?”
They sat there quietly in the dark, thinking.
“Do you remember when you said that thing about not knowing what it feels like to be really happy?” Will nodded. “Well, now,” said Lu, “is the perfect opportunity for a happy dance.”
Will jumped up and grabbed Lu’s hand, and together they did the happy dance, lit by the glowing minerals and gems in the darkest room of the Museum of Natural History. It was the best happy dance he’d ever done.
How could you rewrite the wrongs of the past? The past was behind them, and they could never go back. Maybe it wasn’t even about the past anymore. Maybe it was just about trying not to do the same stupid things in the future. They could forgive each other, but they would never forget what had happened. It was too important. It was too important to them now.
* * *
The four of them stood on the front steps, facing the wilds of Central Park. The wind blew furiously through the trees.
“The next time you guys decide to disappear like that,” Nathaniel said, “can you please do it on a night where all our lives don’t depend on it?”