After a few moments, Hayley pulled away from me. Her face was slightly flushed as she blew out her breath. ‘Wow. Who taught you to kiss like that?’
Eve.
Shit. Stop it, Luke. Stop thinking about her.
I shrugged.
‘I wasn’t sure if you liked me,’ Hayley looked shyly up at me. ‘I mean, if you knew I . . .’ She blushed. ‘Um . . . d’you want a drink?’
‘Sure.’
She led me across the living room and into the little kitchen area – all clear, steel surfaces. Hayley pulled open the deep freezer drawer at the bottom of the enormous fridge. It was empty apart from a frozen pizza and a bottle of vodka. She took out the vodka and filled two little shot glasses to the brim.
We sipped at them, staring at each other across the kitchen.
I still couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her. In fact, the only thing on my mind was kissing her again. But before I could make a move, she smiled.
‘I haven’t finished showing you round,’ she said.
She knocked back the rest of her drink, then walked out of the kitchen area. I downed my own glass, feeling the syrupy vodka burn through me. Then I turned and followed her.
‘There’s the bathroom,’ she said. I glanced through the door, catching a glimpse of toffee-coloured marble.
‘And here . . .’ Hayley pushed open the door opposite. It was a bedroom. More stunning views over the city. Big black wood furniture. And an enormous steel-frame bed covered with white sheets.
Hayley leaned against the door frame. I smiled, then kissed her again. Mmmn. I ran my hand down the side of her dress. God, was she sewn into it? It was stretched like a skin over her whole body.
Her whole, fit, curvy body.
We snogged for a few minutes.
Hayley was kissing like she really meant it. Go on. Next stage. Next stage. After a minute I risked bringing my hands round to the front of her dress.
Oh yes.
Hayley was holding me tighter. Kissing me harder. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I steered her across to the bed, then pulled her down beside me. We stared at each other for a second. There was something in the way she was looking at me.
My heart hammered. This instinct I hardly dared trust was telling me that if I kept going, she wouldn’t stop me. Trust it. Go on.
I slipped the strap of her dress down over her shoulder. All right. I could hear myself gasping as I reached round for the zip and pulled it down. Suddenly the dress was loose in my hands, her skin smooth and soft under my fingers. I watched her face, half expecting her to tell me to zip the dress back up.
But she didn’t.
She just rolled away from me and peeled herself out of it completely. Whoa. She laughed at the expression on my face, then turned away and hung the dress carefully over a chair. Somehow I got my own clothes off and then she was back, lying down beside me, smiling. Inviting.
This was it. This was only freakin’ it.
We started kissing again. Jesus. She was making little moaning sounds as I touched her. It was like a dream. All happening so fast. No one would believe it. Ryan’s face – all impressed – flashed in front of my eyes. Yes. It’s going to happen. Except. Shit.
I lay on top of her and pushed her hair back from her face.
‘Have you . . . ?’ I faltered. ‘I mean, have you . . . ?’
‘Yeah, several times.’ Hayley murmured. ‘It’s OK.’
I could feel myself blushing. ‘I didn’t mean that. I meant have you got . . . you know . . . it’s just I didn’t bring . . . I mean . . .’
Hayley wriggled out from underneath me and reached across to the side of the bed. She pulled open a drawer, drew out a pack of condoms and looked back at me.
‘That’s sweet,’ she whispered. ‘Sweet you didn’t assume.’
I stared at the condoms, a stab of fear thrilling deliciously through my totally sexed-up head.
Hayley’s eyes widened. ‘This is your first time, isn’t it?’ she said.
My face reddened again. I couldn’t look at her.
Hayley wriggled back underneath me and put her arms round my neck. ‘Luke?’
Be cool.
I stared down at her. She raised her eyebrows and gave me this mocking, sexy smile. ‘So.You OK with this?’
Was I OK with it?
Was she serious?
I’d been OK with it since we’d kissed by the window. God. I’d been desperate to get OK with it for at least three years – ever since I first started properly imagining this moment.
And yet this was absolutely not what I’d expected to happen tonight. With this girl I hardly knew. And here. In this designer flat. On this big, designer bed.
Of course, at the time I didn’t think any of that.
I just thought one thing.
Yes. Oh, yes, please.
5
Do what you have to do
I didn’t get home until nearly six am. I left Hayley asleep in the flat and caught one of the first tubes back to North London. It was freezing cold and still dark outside, but I was so pleased with myself that I hardly noticed.
I was all in my head, reliving the last few hours.
It didn’t even occur to me to feel guilty that I’d stayed out all night until I was walking down our front path. With a jolt I remembered how worried Mum had been back in March, when I hadn’t got back from a party until after three am. As I turned my key in the lock I prayed that she’d gone to sleep long before my getting-home time. She usually did these days.
The house felt cold and still. I shut the door softly and listened for a moment. Good. No sounds.
And then Ryan walked out of the kitchen. He was still wearing his clubbing clothes and he looked exhausted – his face was far paler than normal and his eyes all strained.
We stared at each other.
‘What are you doing here?’ I said.
‘Your mum’s having her baby,’ he said shortly. ‘Where the hell have you been?’
‘The baby?’ What was he talking about. ‘I thought it wasn’t due ’till next year.’
‘It wasn’t.’ Ryan yawned. ‘It’s about a month early.’
My heart skipped a beat. ‘Is Mum OK?’
‘Far as we know. Luke, what happened to you? Chlo and I got back here at about two and your mum was in pain and crying, but saying over and over she was fine – and Matt was shouting at her. So Chloe started yelling at him.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Then Matt took your mum to the hospital. She didn’t want Chloe to come, so Chloe got completely hysterical. I managed to get her to go to bed about four am – she’s supposed to start her new job tomorrow, which is now today, but she made me promise to stay awake in case Matt called.’ Ryan yawned again and beckoned me into the kitchen. ‘I was just making a tea. D’you want one?’
I nodded and followed him into the kitchen.
‘Why didn’t you answer your phone?’ Ryan said, plopping a teabag into a mug for me. ‘We called you every fifteen minutes between about two and four.’
I thought back to what I was doing between two and four and how my switched-off phone had been lying beside my clothes on the floor of Hayley’s sister’s boyfriend’s bedroom.
I sat down at the table and ran my hands through my hair. ‘So was Mum worried about me?’
Ryan shook his head. ‘She was too freaked with the pain and coping with Matt and then Chloe in floods of tears. Chloe’s been worried though. Not that she admitted it.’ He brought two mugs of tea over to the table and sat down, yawning again. Then his eyes narrowed. ‘So was it Hayley? I noticed she’d gone after I realised you had. I wasn’t sure but . . .’
I looked away.
Ryan thumped the table with delight. ‘All right! I told you she was hot. God, I’m good. I should charge a fee. So how far d’you get?’
My cheeks burned.
‘Oh. My. God.’ Ryan sucked in his breath. ‘No way. Whoa. You lucky . . . I thought you looked different.’
&n
bsp; I looked up at him. ‘Different?’
Ryan grinned. ‘Yeah. Like a cat who’s just drunk three saucers of cream or something. Like . . . like . . . really satisfied.’
I stared at him. Ryan was amazing. How did he always know? Then I realised something. For the first time since I’d met him, Ryan sounded impressed.
‘So go on,’ he said.
I told him – a (mostly) truthful summary of what we’d done and how up for it all Hayley had been – enjoying the way he hung on every word, his eyes wide and eager to hear it all.
I got to the part where I’d slipped out of the flat leaving Hayley asleep and sat back, sipping my tea.
‘Wow.’ Ryan shook his head. ‘She’d never have done all that with me,’ he said. Then he looked me in the eyes. ‘What about Eve?’
Her name was like a slap in the face. The truth was, I’d been trying not to think about Eve at all for the past few hours.
‘What about her?’ I glared at Ryan. ‘This doesn’t make any difference. It just happened. There’s no reason why Eve even has to know about it. Anyway, you were the one who kept insisting I should get off with Hayley. “Just listen. Then go for it.” That’s what you said.’
‘I didn’t think you’d get the chance to go for all of it.’ Ryan laughed. ‘So, you gonna see her again, man?’
I shook my head. I’d already thought about that on the way home. Hayley was OK and she looked good, but I couldn’t imagine going out with her. All she ever seemed to talk about was her clothes and the stuff in the flat and how expensive it all was. The truth was I didn’t really like her very much. No. That wasn’t quite right. I did like her, as far as I felt anything at all. It was more that I didn’t really care about her. When I thought about what we’d just done together, it didn’t seem to have much to do with her. Still. Maybe sex was always like that.
‘Well that’s typical boy, that is,’ sneered a voice from the door.
I spun round. Chloe was staring at both of us from the kitchen doorway.
‘You shag the poor girl, then run away before she wakes up, with no intention of calling her again.’
‘How long have you been there?’ Ryan said.
‘Long enough,’ Chloe snapped.
I picked up my tea and stood up. ‘It’s none of your business, Chlo.’ I walked past her, through the doorway and into the hall.
I could feel Chloe bristling behind me. ‘I can’t believe you went that far with someone behind Eve’s back. God, you are so sad.’
‘SHUT UP,’ I yelled, suddenly furious. ‘You don’t know anything about it. This hasn’t got anything to do with Eve.’
Chloe stared at me. Her eyes were hard. I knew that expression well – she was itching for a fight. ‘I wonder if that’s how Eve’ll see it,’ she said nastily.
I clenched my fists. ‘You’re not going to tell her.’ Fear flooded through me. What would Eve say if she knew? She would understand, wouldn’t she? It’s not like I planned what happened. And, after all, Eve had said she didn’t want me any more. I had no idea when she was coming back. If she was coming back.
I tried to imagine telling her. ‘She mustn’t know,’ I said.
Chloe opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, the phone rang. She darted into the kitchen and picked it up.
‘Matt? What’s happening?’
A minute later she was back. ‘Luke?’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘They’re really worried about Mum at the hospital. They’ve got to do an emergency caesarian – cut the baby out. Matt says we should go down there now.’
I fell asleep slumped across three hospital waiting-room chairs at about seven am. We’d arrived at the hospital just as Mum had gone into the operating theatre. Chloe went off to leave a message with work that she was going to have to miss her first day.
We’d hardly spoken on the way here in the taxi. We’d dropped Ryan off at his house – I noticed he and Chloe hadn’t said goodbye to each other, but I didn’t give it much thought. I was fighting hard to stay awake the whole time. I could see Chloe was worried about Mum, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t believe for a second anything bad could happen to her. I mean, she was only having a baby. Even if it wasn’t happening the normal way. People had babies every day.
As I slept I dreamed of Eve. Not the normal X-rated dreams I had about her. But one where her face kept floating in front of me, her eyes full of hurt. Don’t you love me, Luke? And I kept reaching out to touch her face, to tell her that I did love her. That I loved her more than anything. But she kept floating away, out of reach.
I woke up, missing her so hard it was like a stone in my chest. Chloe was shaking my shoulder.
‘Mum’s OK. She’s had the baby. A boy. We can go in and see her.’
I stared up at her, bleary-eyed. It took me a few seconds to take in what she was saying. I sat up, blinking.
Chloe’s lips trembled. ‘I was so worried.’ Tears leaked out of her eyes. ‘Imagine if she’d died too, Luke.’ She bent over, crying.
I put my arm around her, yawning. ‘Hey. Hey. It’s all right,’ I said, rubbing my hand over her shoulder.
Chloe nestled against me. ‘I’m sorry I was such a bitch earlier,’ she sniffed. ‘I mean, I suppose I did tell you to go out on a date with Hayley, and it’s not your fault if she’s a total slut and your brain’s in your trousers.’
I grinned. Only Chloe could turn an apology into an insult in a single sentence.
‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Let’s go and see Mum.’
A nurse took us down to one of the little rooms off the main ward. Mum lay in bed, asleep. Matt was sitting beside her, his face in his hands. As we reached the bed, he looked up.
‘She’s resting,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t go upsetting her.’
For God’s sake.
‘We’re not going to upset her,’ I whispered back. ‘We just wanted to make sure she was all right.’
‘She’s fine.’ Matt sighed. ‘It was awful, though. Worse for me, to be honest. She was totally out of it once they started drugging her up. But then they started trying to get the baby out and they couldn’t and . . . anyway . . . it’s all over now.’
‘Where’s the baby?’ Chloe said.
‘Baby Unit.’ Matt sighed, again. ‘He was premature, remember. They say he’s OK – they’re just making sure, I think.’ He paused. ‘Your mum wants to call him Sam. ‘
As Mum was fast asleep, Matt offered to take us up to see the baby. We had to wash our hands before going into the ward – there were rows of little cots, some of them attached to big machines. Matt took us over to a cot in the corner. A tiny bundle of blue blanket was rolled up in the middle of it, a scrunched-up red face peeking out of the top.
‘He’s beautiful,’ Chloe breathed.
I stared at the baby. ‘Beautiful’ was not the word I would have chosen. In fact, ‘frigging ugly’ would have been closer to the truth. Still . . .
‘He looks like you, Matt,’ I said.
Matt shrugged. ‘Yeah, the nurses said that, too.’
Chloe asked if she could hold the baby and one of the nurses helped her take him in her arms. They asked me if I wanted to hold him too. I said no. He was way too scarily small and floppy.
Chloe oohed and aahed for a bit. Then we went back downstairs to see if Mum was awake. She was sitting up in bed, still looking a bit pale. She said she was going to be in hospital for a few days. She asked Chloe again not to move out – but Chloe was adamant.
‘I’m sorry but I can’t not, Mum. I’ve already had to take today off work and I’m paying rent on the flat as from right now. I gotta go in tomorrow – it’s the busiest time, just before Christmas.’
Mum looked dopily over at me.
‘Luke, I want you to go and stay at Matt’s, then.’
I shook my head. ‘No way, Mum. I’ll be fine on my own. I’ll call Trisha if there’s any problem.’
Mum glanced at Matt.
Don’t look at him. It hasn’t got anything to d
o with him.
Matt shrugged. I could tell he was relieved.
Mum looked back at me. ‘OK, but no parties, Luke. No . . . no mucking about.’ She stared at me as if she could see exactly what I’d done last night. I blushed.
Matt gave me and Chloe a lift home. Three hours later Chloe walked out, a large bag in either hand, to take the tube down to her new place. As I watched her wandering down the road, I realised she hadn’t spoken to Ryan since we got back, not even to let him know about the baby. I wondered again what exactly was going on with them.
What a weird day. Sex. A baby brother. And now I was going to spend the night in the house on my own. I’d never done that before. Whenever Mum had gone away before – and it hadn’t happened very often – Chloe had always been there.
I heated up some leftover food in the fridge, then wandered from room to room. It was spookily quiet without Mum and Chloe shouting at each other.
I finished eating and left the bowl, quite deliberately, in the middle of the living-room floor. Mum always told me off for doing that. But she wasn’t here to order me to pick it up. I was free to do whatever I wanted.
Some carol singers came to the door. I gave them fifty pence from the jar of change Mum kept in the kitchen. It was going to be Christmas next week. I wondered if Eve would send me a card.
Don’t hold your breath.
I thought about calling Ry, seeing if he wanted to come round. But I decided against it. It felt weird being on my own – but good . . . grown up, if a little bit lonely. I wanted to make the most of it while it lasted.
I ran myself a deep, hot bath. Trisha rang while I was still in the water to ask how Mum was. Matt had apparently called her, on Mum’s instructions, from the hospital.
‘I’ll pop round tomorrow at some point, Luke,’ she said. ‘Bring you some dinner.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, shivering in my towel.
Afterwards I watched a bit of TV, spent a deeply satisfying half-hour reliving, again, everything that had happened with Hayley, then decided to go to bed.
I was totally knackered. I’d had a total of about three hours sleep in the whole of the last day and a half.
As I lay down, my eyes fell on the picture of Eve on my bedside table. She was so beautiful. I gazed at her face, at the total sexiness of her smile. I wished she was here right now. Not to do anything – I was too tired to even think about that for once – but just to wrap my arms around.