“Lying doesn’t help, Ki.” She hunched in on herself, arms crossed over her tiny breasts. “Illior is cruel. You wouldn’t touch me when I was a boy and now that I’m a girl, you can’t even look at me.” She stood and stripped her breeches off, angrily kicking them aside. “You know a hell of a lot more about girl’s bodies than I do. Tell me, do I look like a boy or a girl now?”
Ki shuddered inwardly. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with what he saw. The dark sprinkling of hair covering her cunny looked the same as any girl’s. No, it was knowing what used to be there that made his belly clench.
“Well?” She was still angry, but a tear rolled down her cheek.
The sight of it made his heart ache; he knew how much it took to make her cry. “Well, you’re still skinny, and your ass has always been kind of flat. But lots of young girls are like that. You’re not so old yet to be—ripening.” He stopped and swallowed hard. “That is, if you—”
“Bleed with the moon?” She didn’t look away, but her face went a darker shade of scarlet. “I did, sort of, before the change. Lhel gave me herbs that stopped it, mostly. But I suppose I will now. So now you know it all. These past couple years, you were sleeping with a boy who bled!”
“Damn, Tob!” This was too much. Ki sank into a chair and put his head in his hands. “That’s what I can’t fathom. The not knowing!”
She shrugged miserably and reached for the dressing gown someone had left across the end of the bed. It was a lady’s gown, velvet trimmed with silver lace and embroidery. Tamír wrapped herself in it and huddled against the bolsters.
Ki looked up and blinked in surprise. “There now, that makes a difference.”
“What?” Tamír muttered.
“It makes you look more—girlish.” This earned him a dark glare.
Determined to make things right between them, he looked around and spied an ivory comb on the dressing table. This must have been a lady’s room, or else Illardi’s duchess had taken pains to equip it properly. There were pots with fancy lids and little odds and ends he couldn’t guess the use of.
Taking up the comb, he sat down next to her on the bed and forced a grin. “If I’m to be your tiring woman, Highness, can I fix your hair?”
That got him an even blacker look, but after a moment she turned her back to him. He knelt behind her and began working at the tangles, taking it in sections like Nari used to.
“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.”
“What am I up to?”
“Currying the skittish horse?”
“Well, it needs doing. You’re all full of knots.”
He worked in silence for a while. Tamír had thick hair, and it was almost as black as Alben’s, but it wasn’t as straight as his. When he was done, it fell in thick waves down her back.
Gradually her shoulders relaxed and she sighed. “This isn’t my fault, you know? I didn’t choose this.”
“I know that.”
She looked back over her shoulder. With their faces mere inches apart, he found himself lost for an instant in those sad blue eyes. The color reminded him of the Osiat, the way it looked on a clear day from the headlands at Cirna.
“Then what is it?” she demanded. “It feels so different between us now. I hate it!”
Caught off guard, Ki let his mouth run away with him and spoke the truth. “Me, too. I guess I just miss Tobin.”
She turned around and gripped him by the shoulders. “I am Tobin!”
He tried to look away, to hide the tears stinging his eyes, but she held him.
“Please, Ki, I need you to be the same!”
Ashamed of his own weakness, he pried her hands from his shoulders and held them tightly between his own. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. But now, you’re—”
“Just a girl?”
“No. You’re to be queen, Tamír, You are already, by right.” She tried to pull away, but he held on. “A queen this grass knight can’t sleep close with on cold winter nights, or swim with, or wrestle—”
“Why not?”
It was Ki who pulled away this time, unable to bear the hurt in her eyes. “It wouldn’t be proper! Damn it, if you’re to be queen, you have to act the part, don’t you? You’re still a warrior, but you’re a woman, too—or a girl, anyway. And boys and girls? They just don’t do all that. Not nobles, anyway,” he added, blushing. He’d made do with servant girls, just like everyone else, but he’d never felt ashamed of that until now.
Tamír sat back, lips set in a grim line, but he could see the corners trembling. “Fine. Leave me, then, while I bathe.”
“I’ll go see how Nik and Tanil are doing. I won’t be long.”
“Take your time.”
Ki headed for the door. She didn’t call him back, just sat there glaring a hole in the bed. Ki slipped out and set the latch softly, his heart in turmoil, then turned to find Tharin and Una watching him expectantly.
“She’s—uh—going to bathe,” Ki mumbled. “I’ll be back.”
Ducking his head, he brushed past them. As he strode away, it felt like a door of a different sort had slammed shut between them, with him on the outside.
Tamír fought back more tears as she undressed and slid into the tub. She ducked under the water and briskly rubbed the soap over her hair, but she couldn’t escape her thoughts.
She’d always been odd, even as Tobin, but Ki had always understood and accepted her. Now it seemed he could only see the stranger she’d become—a homely, scrawny girl he was too embarrassed to look at. She slid a finger through the ring that had been her mother’s, gazing down at the profiles of her parents. Her mother had been beautiful, even after she’d gone mad.
Maybe if I looked more like her? she wondered glumly. Not much chance of that.
She wanted to be angry with Ki, but this sumptuous room suddenly felt too lonely without him. Her gaze strayed to the large bed. She’d seldom slept alone. First there’d been Nari, her nurse, then Ki. She tried to imagine replacing him with Una and cringed, remembering that embarrassing kiss the girl had given her, believing Tobin was just a shy, backward boy. There’d been little time to speak with her since the change, but thanks to Tharin and his organizing, it would be hard to avoid her now.
“Bilairy’s balls!” she groaned. “What am I going to do?”
Survive, Sister. Live for both of us.
Tamír sat up so abruptly water sloshed over the side onto the floor. Brother stood before her, a faint but unmistakable shape untouched by the fire or candle glow.
“What are you doing here? I thought—I thought you’d gone on.”
It was hard to look at him now—the image of the young man she thought she’d be. He was as pale as ever, his eyes as flat and black, but otherwise he looked as he would have in life, right down to a faint tracing of dark hair on his upper lip. Suddenly shy under that unblinking gaze, she wrapped her arms around her knees.
His hard, whispery voice invaded her mind. You will live, Sister. For both of us. You will rule, for both of us. You owe me a life, Sister.
“How do I repay a debt like that?”
He just stared.
“Why are you still here?” she demanded. “Lhel said you’d be free when I cut out the piece of your bone. The rest of you burned up with the doll. There was nothing left, not even ash.”
The unavenged dead do not rest.
“Unavenged? You were stillborn. They told me.”
They lied. Learn the truth, Sister. He hissed the last word like a curse.
“Can you find Lhel for me? I need her!”
The demon shook his head and the hint of a smile on his dead lips sent a chill through her. The bond of skin and bone was sundered. Tamír could no longer command him. The realization frightened her.
“Are you here to kill me?” she whispered.
Those black eyes went darker still and his smile was poisonous. How many times I wanted to!
He advanced, passing through the side
of the tub to kneel before her in the water, face inches from her. The water went achingly cold, like the river below the keep in spring. The demon grasped her bare shoulders and his cold fingers bit into her flesh, feeling all too solid. See? I am no helpless shade. I could reach into your chest and squeeze your heart as I did to the fat one who called himself your guardian.
She was truly terrified now, more than she ever had been with him. “What do you want, demon?”
Your pledge, Sister. Avenge my death.
Dreadful realization penetrated the haze of fear. “Who was it? Lhel? Iya?” She swallowed hard. “Father?”
The murdered cannot speak the name of their killers, Sister. You must learn that for yourself.
“Damn you!”
Brother was still smiling as he slowly faded away.
The door flew open and Tharin and Una burst in, swords drawn.
“What’s wrong?” asked Tharin.
“Nothing,” Tamír said quickly. “I’m fine, just—just thinking out loud.”
Tharin nodded to Una and she retreated and closed the door. Tharin swept a suspicious eye around the room as he sheathed his sword.
“I’m almost done here,” she told him, hugging her knees to her chest. “I told Ki he could use the water when I’m done but it’s gone cold.”
Brother had stolen the last of the heat. No, don’t think of him right now, and what he’d hinted at. She’d had too much to bear already, without looking for murderers among what was left of her circle of trusted friends. She clung to the fact that Tharin had not been anywhere near her mother that night. But Iya had, and Arkoniel. Perhaps there had been someone else? It was too painful to contemplate.
“That’s a long face.” Tharin helped her from the tub and wrapped her in a large flannel, rubbing her hair with a corner of it.
Tamír dried herself and put on the robe again, not looking at him as she let the flannel drop.
When she was dressed, he urged her into bed and pulled the comforter up around her, then sat down and took her hand. “That’s better.”
His kind, knowing look undid her. She threw her arms around his neck and hid her face against his chest, not caring that he still stank of blood and smoke. “I’m glad you’re still with me!”
He rubbed her back. “As long as I draw breath.”
“I’m going to make you a prince of the realm when I’m queen.”
Tharin chuckled. “Bad enough you’ve made me a lord. Leave well enough alone.”
He stroked a wet strand of hair back from her cheek and gave one braid a tug. “You’re worried about Ki.”
Tamír nodded. It was half the truth, anyway.
“He didn’t look any happier than you when he left.” She felt him sigh. “You’re determined to keep him by you, aren’t you?”
“You think I’m wrong?”
“No, but you might consider the boy’s feelings.”
“I’d be happy to, if he’d tell me what they are! He treats me like I’m someone else now.”
“Well, like it or not, you are.”
“No!”
Tharin patted her shoulder. “Maybe just who you were, then, with more added on.”
“Tits, you mean?”
“You call those little flea bites tits?” He laughed at her outraged look. “Yes, your body’s changed, and that’s something that can’t just be pushed aside, especially not by a young man with Ki’s hot blood.”
Tamír looked away, mortified. “I want him to see me as a girl, to like me that way, but then again, I don’t. Oh, Tharin, I’m so confused!”
“You both need time to know your hearts.”
“You always treat me just the same.”
“Well now, it’s different with me, isn’t it? Boy or girl, you’re Rhius’ child. But you’re not a little one anymore, for me to carry on my shoulder and make toys for. You’re my liege and I’m your man. But Ki?” He picked up the discarded flannel and rubbed it over her dripping hair. “I know what your feelings for him have grown to this past year or so. He knows it, too.”
“But shouldn’t that make it easier?”
He paused in his drying. “How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and Ki was a girl?”
Tamír blinked up at him through her tangled hair. “It’s not the same! That would make things harder between us, like when I was a boy. This way, we can—have each other. If he wants to!”
“First he’ll have to stop seeing Tobin every time he looks at you. And that won’t be easy because he’s still looking so hard to see him.”
“I know. Who do you see, Tharin?”
He patted her knee. “I told you. I see my friend’s child.”
“You really loved my father, didn’t you?”
He nodded. “And he loved me.”
“But he left you for Mother. Why didn’t you stop loving him then?”
“Sometimes love can change its form rather than end. That’s what happened with your father.”
“But your feelings never changed, did they?”
“No.”
She was old enough now to guess at what he was leaving unsaid. “Didn’t it hurt?”
She’d never seen the sorrow more clearly in his face, or the sharp edge of anger that came with it when he nodded and replied softly, “Like fire, at first, and for a long time after. But not enough to drive me away, and I can say now that I’m glad. There was a time when I’d have answered differently. I was a grown man by then, and I had my pride.”
“Why did you stay?”
“He asked me to.”
She’d never heard him say so much before. “I always wondered—”
“What?”
“After Mama got sick and turned against him, were—were you and Father ever lovers again?”
“Certainly not!”
“I’m sorry. That was rude.” Still, something in that last response intrigued her—a flash of pride. She wondered what it meant but knew better than to ask. “So what do I do about Ki?”
“Give him time. Ki could never have loved you the way you wanted as Tobin. It just isn’t in him. But he suffered over it, and now he’s suffering over the loss of who you two were together.” He draped the flannel over her shoulder. “Let him heal a while. You can do that for him, can’t you?”
She nodded. Of course she could. But that didn’t make her feel any better tonight. “Is he out there?”
“He went off by himself, but he’ll be back.”
“We’ll need more hot water for sure, then,” Tamír mused. “Should I leave while he bathes?”
Tharin shrugged. “It would be polite to ask.”
Chapter 4
The courtyard was filled with soldiers and servants. Ki kept to the shadows and went to the new stone stable, where the wounded were being tended.
Illardi bred fine horses from Aurënfaie stock; his stable was far nicer than the house where Ki had been born, and considerably larger. Inside, Ki could just make out rafters and dressed stone at the edge of the lamplight. It smelled of new wood and fresh straw, but also of blood and wounds, and herbs being burned or brewed on the braziers. Half a dozen drysian healers were at work, wearing bloodstained aprons over their long brown robes.
People lay everywhere on makeshift pallets, looking like bundles of laundry laid out for washing day. Ki picked his way among them, looking for Nikides and Tanil. One of the healers noticed him and came over.
“Lord Kirothieus, are you seeking the Companions?” she asked. “We put them together, over there in that stall at the end.”
He found Nikides propped up in a deep bed of new straw. Another figure sat huddled in a far corner of the stall, muffled in several blankets. Even his head was covered.
“Tanil?” When Ki moved closer, the squire let out a soft moan and cowered deeper into the shadows. Ki settled back on his heels. “It’s all right. You’re safe here.”
Tanil said nothing, just curled more tightly in on himself.
“Ki, is that you?
” It was a papery whisper.
Ki turned to find Nikides awake and blinking up at him. “Yes. How are you?”
“Better, I think. Where are we?”
“At Duke Illardi’s estate.”
“Illardi?” Nikides glanced around in confusion. “But I thought— I dreamed I was at the Old Palace. There were people dying around me. I thought I saw you—and Tobin.”
“It was no dream. We had you moved here. Lynx is still with us, too, and came through without a damn scratch! I think he and I are the only ones who did. And Una, too. Remember her?”
Nikides brightened at that. “She’s alive?”
“Yes. She ran off and joined up with my sister Ahra’s riders. She learned her lessons well. She’s a blooded warrior already.”
“So there are some of us left, after all.”
“Yes. What happened with you, Nik?”
Nikides tried to sit up and groaned. “I told them I was never cut out to be a warrior.” With Ki’s help he managed to prop himself against the wall. “I was with Korin. We were trying to get him away—” He closed his eyes against some painful memory. “I didn’t see the archer until it was too late.”
“You were lucky. The shaft missed your lung.”
Nikides shifted again and caught sight of the huddled figure in the corner. “Who’s that?”
“Tanil.”
“Thank the Four, we thought you were dead! Tanil? Ki, what’s wrong with him?”
“He was captured.” Ki leaned closer and lowered his voice. “Tortured, and—well, raped, like they do. We found him planked up against a bam north of the city.”
Nikides’ eyes widened. “Maker’s Mercy!”
“He’s in bad shape. Tamír wanted him kept close to you.”
“Tamír?”
Ki sighed. “Tobin, that is. You saw her back at the palace, remember? You spoke to her.”
“Ah. I thought I’d dreamed that, too.”