August 1967
(one leg off a yellow and red grasshopper)
August 3rd Morgan walked the two miles
from the courthouse to the drive-in
refused to take a ride in spite of the heat
Timmy sat on the bottom step that led up to his apartment
Ozzie and Harriet bit one leg off a yellow and red grasshopper
they found in a small clump of grass
It hopped sideways trying to get away
Timmy stood up when he saw Morgan approach
pulled the keys out of his pocket and held them out
‘The money’s in the cash box in the apartment
the new films are in the projection room’
Morgan had not shaved his black-rimmed glasses
slid down his nose when he looked at Timmy
‘I’m sure everything’s okay’
He was tired the words were soft
Timmy spoke rapidly
‘My friends and my sister helped me
I paid them cash out of the box
We’re out of 7UP’
Morgan looked at Timmy squinted
‘I’m sure it’s all ok Penney’s been ordered to stay away
I’m sorry Timmy I don’t think she’ll be coming back’
Timmy looked into his eyes
The skin drooped in a sad fold under the black rims
of the glasses as Morgan exhaled ‘I’m sorry about Rundi’
He did not expect Morgan’s sadness
and began to recognize his own tired feelings
as his own lingering sadness
Morgan did not want to let go
Timmy was the only one waiting for him
‘Will you keep working with me’
Timmy nodded and put the keys in Morgan’s hands
(Cronkite answered him)
Morgan invited Timmy to dinner before
work and added commentary
to the TV news as they ate
as if in a conversation with Walter Cronkite
‘Today’s military action in Vietnam . . .’
‘All the predictions of World War III
are going to come true in your lifetime . . .’
Morgan stopped and stared at Timmy
Timmy remembered playing war games with Gary and David
‘Houari Boumediene of Algeria was in Moscow meeting with the Soviets
on their intentions toward the Arabs’
Israel destroyed the Arab armies
the Arabs no doubt will plot revenge
Morgan described bomb shelter plans from Popular Mechanix
and worried that he threw the magazine away
He stopped faced Timmy ‘What are you going to do
In three years you will be eligible for the draft
and they could ship you off to Vietnam
or Lebanon maybe Germany to stand guard at the Berlin Wall’
Timmy looked at him lost not knowing
if there was a choice in that list that he could make
The future used to seem so far away
and now Timmy felt alone in a different way
The time was compressing his memory
of the fire in Rundi’s shop It was put out so fast
it didn’t have a chance to burn
‘Israel assured the US they would provide humanitarian treatment
for all Palestinian refugees in the occupied territories’
The drone of the news faded
‘I have two new films coming Timmy
a little different’ They were silent a few moments
Timmy unsure what to say ‘The Sound of Music with Julie Andrews and
Arrivederci, Baby! with Tony Curtis’ Morgan closed his eyes
He continued the words soft and quiet mixed with the news report
‘Syria blames Egypt for the Arab defeat in the Six-Day War with Israel . . .’
Morgan’s voice harmonized with the news
‘I had a dream last night My wife set down the plates
and silverware on a table told me how I
would provide the food She let me cut myself up
destroying myself on empty plates breaking apart
and melting like ice She invited my friends to dinner
to discuss my clothes my money She asked me
to be open and to share my thoughts on watching myself . . .’
Cronkite answered him
‘The South African Paliament voted to extend
the detention of Robert Sobukwe’
(the mosquitoes drove them inside)
Morgan turned off the TV walked with Timmy
to the stairs that led up to the projection room
and gave him the flyers previewing the new movies
The fading evening light was dropping shadows
across the colors of the landscape
Later Timmy pulled The Endless Summer
out of the film canister He liked the music
and it brought a rowdy crowd to the drive-in for two nights
Cars with surf racks surfboards and guys that sat
on the roof of their cars until the mosquitoes drove them inside
Car radios were cranked up higher than the regular crowd
and the bleach blonde hair of boys and girls
walking to the concession stand glowed in the dark
He threaded the film into the projector
and sat down on the floor his back
against the cool gray concrete block
and looked at the blue images
of waves on the glass window
He read about the Von Trapps who sang their way across Vienna
and into the mountains to escape Nazis and how Tony Curtis married
then murdered his wives Two different escape plans
Gary and David climbed the stairs and opened the door
called Timmy They found him with his eyes closed
David ignored the closed eyes ‘We came to tell you about Jimi Hendrix
He set his guitar on fire burned his hands’
Timmy looked at his own hands
healed from the glass cuts and the burns
‘When’ he asked
Gary shrugged ‘We just read about it tonight’
(the void in the cavity of his chest)
On August 6th
Timmy waited to hear from Penney
He fell asleep lying on the floor
His dream was long silent yet everyone around
the operating table seemed to know what was being done
A masked surgeon entered picked up a blade
from a metal tray draped with a blue towel
He cut from the top of the sternum straight down to Timmy’s navel
He sat the knife back on the blue towel
The surgeon’s fingers were pink his nails
clean but bloody He turned and walked away
The crowd around the table came in closer the surgical masks
covered everything but their eyes
Timmy blinked and each person turned to another
nodded their heads in approval The surgeon came back
and looked into his ice blue eyes Everyone moved back
He reached down and pulled apart Timmy’s chest
like a magician opening a box He turned and left
The crowd came closer A pulse filled Timmy’s ears like a distant drum
The people looked at each other again looked in his chest
nodded and pulled back The light overhead dimmed
each person untied the white strings dropped the green surgical masks
and Timmy recognized his father his mother Marie Greg Morgan
and Penney who reached into the open box of his chest
Timmy felt the pressure choke him She lifted out his heart
a veined blue and red muscle with a light that pulsed in the center
; Penney wiped the blood away and held it up
for everyone to see and they turned to each other and nodded
their lips pressed into tight lines She held the heart
in her arms like a baby
Timmy gasped as air filled the void in the cavity of his chest
and he sunk inward drifted away from the circle of faces
Their eyes went blank lips disappeared
fluid darkness covered him and he opened his eyes
the paneling in his room gray in the morning light
(he lived here because he worked here)
Penney called Morgan from Marie’s
told him she was going to leave for a trip to Chicago
He wanted to ask her why she had to have Timmy for a lover
but he was afraid to ask There were a few moments of silence
and then as if he asked she said very softly
‘Daddy I was so frustrated I was
always living with you and mother
never on my own I couldn’t figure out how to break away from my life
Then I just wanted to go back go back to being a girl
where I was innocent where I was young and free
where even if I was wrong things would be okay’
He hung up the phone and went to the apartment window
looked out at the ragged edge of Hawthorne Road
the asphalt gray from wear the y-shaped seed heads of Bahia grass
on the roadside waved in the light afternoon breeze
Beyond the pines were the remnants of farmland
abandoned junk cars trash dumped on the side of dirt roads
Poor white families stuck in place planting seeds in sandy soil
incapable of growing anything but the weakest crops
Each spring he watched squash rot in the fields
saw black men lean over with their fishing poles at Newnan’s Lake
catching Bream and Bass the diet of families too poor
to raise chickens or pigs
Manero’s Restaurant and his drive-in
the only businesses east of town with a semblance
of financial liquidity Maybe Rundi’s shop had been
He couldn’t tell if people ever bought enough
at the auctions or not Half the people attending went
to be entertained
because they didn’t own televisions
Morgan looked down at his legs
He lived here because he worked here
(everyone’s wish)
Timmy walked across Hawthorne Road
his boots scraped at the gravel
Timmy wanted Penney and he hurt after he felt
his mother’s cold touch his longing
grew like a vine tightening on a tree trunk
and he walked to Marie’s house
He remembered how he sat in front of Rundi’s store
Penney’s face was red and confused
She sat in the back seat of the police car
her hair down obedient to the sudden command of the police
she stared at Timmy almost asking for help
Timmy lost the calm he had when he watched Morgan
shoot out the windows of the police cars
he was ashamed and frustrated
not knowing what to do except look for Penney
he wanted her to understand He went to her to explain
The sweat in his boots made walking like sloshing through mud
Marie didn’t work never had Morgan always took care
of the family and he still did She was home
when she saw Timmy standing in the street outside her house
She walked out ‘Leave here Just leave There is no use
coming around here’
Timmy felt the urge to obey but stood still
‘Is Penney here’
Marie stopped at the edge of the road
‘Never mind Just leave she is not allowed to see you’
‘Tell her I asked’ He looked at the gray chain link fence
avoided Marie’s eyes
‘I’ll do no such thing’
He stood feet firm and spreading his toes
inside his boots when Marie walked back inside
Timmy walked into the trees in the yard
across from the house and stood in the grass
He pulled up a stem of Bahia grass chewed
on the faint lemon taste in the fiber
then walked back to his room
feeling everyone’s wish that he would forget
(the falling motion)
Timmy’s feet hurt his boots were too small
and Morgan was depressed still talked only about politics
They went through the same procedure
every night to open the drive-in
Ozzie and Harriet seemed to miss Penney
whined and sniffed around the concession stand
Morgan ordered a new series of movies
He became infatuated with Liz Taylor
Cleopatra Cat on a Hot Tin Roof he added Richard Burton
in The Night of the Iguana Strange but Timmy liked them
better than the westerns also better than Peyton Place
or The Long, Hot Summer but the drive-in crowd dwindled
Drink sales were up so were the heat and mosquitoes
The summer rain and heat felt ominous to Morgan
and he became obsessed with the weather
Morgan liked Frank Sinatra wanted free love
and was still puzzled by the Berlin Wall
He retreated to the block walls of his apartment
and kept out the world except for Timmy
His endless one-sided conversation never stopped politics and war
One Friday afternoon Timmy found Morgan asleep
the TV on his breath increasingly shallow the world squeezing him
He sat down on the couch closed his eyes
and opened them hoping to see something different
but the room was the same shaded glow from the setting sun
He got up looked out the apartment window
The red lettering Closed on Wednesday
clashed with the orange trim on the sign
He turned back to the TV
‘The riots on 12th Street in Detroit are over
Forty people are dead more than a thousand injured
and 7000 were arrested in one of the worst riots in US history’
Timmy wanted to know why this happened
He looked at Morgan sleeping thought
he really didn’t know any more than his father did
he didn’t have a clue what to do about it
How many people would die like Rundi
He played again in his head the falling motion
but now he imagined he saw the sharp glass slice through Rundi
and pierce the blood vessel next to his kidney
and the blood flowed out of him like a water out of a spigot
that couldn’t be turned off
Morgan had bought the guns in case it all showed up on his doorstep
Timmy couldn’t fault him for that
The voice on the TV in the background
and in entertainment news ‘EMI Records reported strong sales
of the new Beatles album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’
(the true reflection of the God in her)
August 26th Timmy slept in late
wore the clothes from the day before
A knock on the door ‘Timmy let me talk’
When he opened the door Timmy saw Saira’s dark eyes
scouring the floor
The room was clean the bed only slightly creased
and she wondered if Timmy had slept on the floor
‘You are ok’ Timmy nodded ‘What has happened to the lady’
‘She went to Chicago’ Timmy looked across
the street
the green GTO vivid in his memory
Saira walked to the bed and sat down
looked up at Timmy she sensed his longing for Penney
His shoulders were rigid the skin on his arms pink
the blonde hair barely visible She coughed
‘The world is perfect Timmy just the way God wants it
Just the way it needs to be for us to learn to love only God’
Timmy listened his eyes glanced down at Saira as he spoke
‘And I am not supposed to love Penney’
She flinched wanted to hold her thoughts about God
in front of Timmy in the best way She waited
then spoke slowly evenly ‘Only when you can bow down and love
the true reflection of the God in her no matter what she does’
The English words were still strange to Saira
Should she have said Goddess
Timmy was confused at the idea of loving God
How many people died in Detroit Newark
There was the God of Greg interfering vengeful fighting and burning
He faced Saira squarely ‘I ache in my body for Penney
and I don’t know what to do about it
My mother . . . she was fifteen when I was born
She’s no help neither is my father’
Timmy was confused unable to hold on to an idea
before the next thought rushed in and pushed it out
Saira smiled ‘In my country children marry
at an even younger age arranged by parents
with no thought of manhood womanhood or love
just privilege and wealth It is not a better system
Don’t try to be too much too soon
already you know how things can be hard
but you know and what you know is important’
Timmy imagined his mother holding him
realized he wanted comfort
He was afraid to be afraid and hurt
He stood across from Saira
Where does this kind of God fit in with Penney
Timmy listened to the explanation
the reason always something a little beyond his reach
He was alone His eyes filled with tears
and he walked out of the room to the storefront
Dust white flecks light shadows surrounded him
he looked across the street Morgan painted the fence
behind the ticket kiosk blue He fought back
Rundi was passive yet he made his way around
put things back moved on without a fight without resistance
never looked for revenge
Saira did not say a word to Timmy about damage to the store
yet Timmy knew it was the turmoil in his life
that caused the broken glass the burned rug
and the unspeakable silence of Rundi’s death
Why didn’t Saira blame him
There was a tenderness in Saira that he did not see in his mother
Her grief must be so much more and he tried to imagine her grief
He felt pushed around inside his own skin
forced into strange shapes something wanted him
to see the world differently
(just as soon have died)
Marie despised her dependence on Greg
more than her need for Morgan
Morgan continued to defy her attempts at reconciliation and control
She saw Morgan as a caricature who waved guns at the life around him
Why did she continue to hold on
Her disdain for guns and dogs
deepened when Penney whined over the phone
that she missed Ozzie and Harriet
How could Penney whine She was free to roam the country
Marie realized after Penney left the distance to Morgan
was harder to cross She cut Morgan off from all communication
and information about her life
hoped he would long to know something about her
something to pull him to her But Morgan did not respond
to her intentions Marie let go of the thin line of connection
that held them and it fell slack as he drifted away
In church Marie wished for Greg’s humiliation
thought it would make him leave her alone
But she could not let go She asked him to help her
deal with Penney and Morgan and instead he went to the police
She would just as soon have died herself
Marie secretly prayed for John to challenge Greg
for John’s autistic concentration
to hammer Greg’s self-righteous indignation
with the power of the Prophets
The adult Sunday school class dissolved
Greg couldn’t deal with John’s memory
of every Bible passage and he forbid
his attendance at the Sunday services
(right between the eyes)
Timmy turned on the light looked at his room
it was roughly the same size as the projection room at the drive-in
The chain on the overhead light was swinging
I know I’m lost he said to himself No one else seems to know
maybe Rundi did Everyone else just sees me going out
on my own and they seem to think I should like being so free
Burying the dog Sex with Penney The police Morgan’s guns
Dinner with Rundi Greg His mother and father
what were the last words they said to him
Nothing important It was an emptiness he did not understand
They were just present going through the motions
Julie was pregnant At one time he wanted Melissa
but now he avoided her He could not remember thinking so much
about people and not knowing anyone not knowing himself
Morgan was out there fighting back
somehow preoccupied with world war
Timmy liked Morgan’s fire Saira’s steadiness
and wanted that too He opened his eyes
He walked out the shop door walked west on Hawthorne Road
toward University Avenue and the center of Gainesville
He thought about Gary and David but decided to go alone
His steps were like drops of water that echoed in a well
the bottom of his feet felt raw his socks slid into the front of his boots
Cars would surge through traffic lights
the side streets were filled with dark corners
An orange caboose sat on railroad tracks next to Waldo Road
Lumber wired together sat in bundles stacked on flat cars
Gainesville slowed at night a crawling pulse that sought home
pushed away from the loneliness of any darkness
pushed light and dark out to a perimeter where Timmy walked
just beyond sight in the shadows
In the grass lawn next to Florida Field Timmy stopped
took off his boots his jeans clung to his legs
his t-shirt damp with sweat He leaned up against a pine tree
the night breeze chilled him
The stadium was silent He squeezed through the metal gate
at the north end zone climbed to the top of the east stands
and laid down on a wooden bleacher
He woke from a restless sleep to a gray sky
He looked east toward the drive-in and the sun was a hot orange
liquid circle just below clouds he wanted to hop in a car and leave
He made some silent vows
He would not be like his father
not like Morgan and not like Rundi
He started back to 23rd Street through the university campus
hitched a ride home with a college student headed to the beach
More cars appeared each minute
Timmy appreciate
d the silent ride
not having to explain himself and decided
he no longer needed an explanation
His chest heaved with a deep breath
his own stomach churned hungry
He heard the gears grind in the mixers at the concrete plant
on Depot Road white stone slid down metal troughs
trucks thumped across the railroad tracks
The motion and noise around him were sluggish
To the northwest the white stone of the Seagle Building
stood above the trees
In his room before Saira arrived to open the shop
Timmy remembered his dream of lying on the operating table
He was tired with a hole in his chest as wide as his shoulders the
length of his ribs . . . his loneliness . . . he fell and all he could feel
was the falling When he opened his eyes again the chain hanging
from the light over his bed had stopped swinging
and pointed at him right between the eyes
(we did not say goodbye)
Timmy got up walked to the front door
Saira was about to put her key in the lock
and Timmy pulled the door open
‘The answer is always right there Timmy waiting for you’
Timmy looked at her the brown skin on her face sagged
in a sad way but there was a light in her brown eyes
She stood for a moment and looked at Timmy’s eyes
and laughed ‘Good Morning’
He noticed how her laugh ended quickly
as she passed how her shoulders curved forward
and as he stood at the edge of the road he looked back
watched her shadow pass back and forth behind the windows
Timmy headed over to Morgan’s apartment
As he climbed the stairs he heard ‘Come on in I’m here’
Water ran in the sink the refrigerator door was open
Ozzie and Harriet had their front paws on the shelf
their noses sniffed out the milk carton
Timmy pushed them out of the way and closed the door
The dogs looked up at him and he saw through their eyes
for a moment They were happy
to be alive just sure of the next meal
Morgan sat at the dining room table
the newspaper leaned against a cereal box
a bowl of cereal hovered under his chin
He looked up at Timmy his eyes bulged behind his glasses
‘Penney gave me a letter for you’
He pointed with his spoon at an envelope
Dear Timmy We did not say goodbye
but this is best Some day we can meet and talk
but not now Love Penney
His eyes burned as he looked at the words
Love and Penney Without knowing why he felt Penney
was being true to him and loyal Somehow it made him feel
a little stronger She didn’t ask him to be anything
didn’t promise him anything they just came together
a strange coming together he could not understand
He knew he was still hurting and it made him feel tired
Morgan put down his bowl ‘I’m sorry Timmy’
(the world walked through those doors)
Morgan read the paper every morning at breakfast
the way film rolled over the lens of a projector
Timmy sat at the table and heard the click of the reel
He remembered Morgan staring down at him
from the apartment window Now he knew
the stare was not just for him It was easier to sit
in the background of Morgan’s thought
Penney drove from Chicago to California
sent postcards to Timmy and Morgan
from stops along Route 66
Timmy saw the newspaper headline
with the total dead for the week in Vietnam 532
There was a picture of Barry Goldwater in Arizona
He wore black-rimmed glasses like Morgan
Morgan looked up from the paper when Timmy grabbed a piece of toast
‘They are calling this the Summer of Love Imagine the destruction
the riots the wars in Vietnam and the Middle East’ He paused
Timmy waited curious then nodded thought of Penney
signing her note Love Penney
Morgan sighed ‘I guess love can be destructive’
Timmy got up looked out the apartment window
at the small window of his room at the back of Rundi’s store
and realized how much of the world walked through those doors
and into his room It even made the local newspaper
He remembered one of the names he saw in the guest book
at the funeral home John Willingham
(what he let in that place)
Friday night Melissa came
to the door of the projection room
Timmy was checking Morgan’s film set-up
before he turned on the projectors
The film reels turned slowly
Timmy’s fingers pushed them
gently snapped the plastic film into the reel
He turned on the projector bulb
and a cylinder of light formed in the air
between the lens and the window
Melissa watched his steady movements
smooth pressures controlled pulls
easy turns and twists knobs buttons
switches levers locks She remained at the door
All of the momentum that carried her to this point
the phone call to Marie the prodding from Greg
the pleasure of seeing Penney taken away was gone
The realization how Marie and Greg used her
was slow to come her mind so locked
on getting Penney out of the way
She stood with her hand on the door window
and began rubbing the glass to smudge her fingerprints
The floor in the projection room disappeared
into a pool of black and Timmy was like a shadow
that moved inside a box that locked her out
The doorknob vanished in the dark she turned
and walked away and each step behind her
vanished on her way home
Timmy turned on the projector
fed the film in front of the lens
and a brown hue filled the cylinder of light
then a gray wash of color
In the drive-in the dome lights in cars flickered out
doors closed
Saira he felt her presence even though he barely knew her
One dinner with Rundi Under the surface
of her expression he thought he saw trembling
how could she not tremble
He shook as if he was cold
The image of Saira’s eyes blended into Rundi’s
brown eyes her full cheek became part of his smile
He missed them Penney Rundi
and he felt the emptiness of another loss
he could not identify and he knew
he had to be careful what he let in that place
Timmy watched
on the screen numbers counted down
10—9—8—7—6
and the hollow sound of music echoed between cars
###END###
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