I nodded.
“Okay. Do any of those areas include your tender lady areas? You know, breasts? Vagina? Both?”
I nodded again.
“Do you feel more tired than usual?” She asked. “Never mind. I can answer that one. It’s a yes. Those bags under your eyes weren’t built in a day.”
She was right. “I’m too tired to feel insulted.”
“Do you find yourself more sensitive to smells lately?”
“Not that I’m aware of.” I said, adding, “although you sprayed enough of that disinfectant on this table to use it in a hospital.”
“Okay, how about this one, have you had your period in the last month?” Josh asked.
I thought about her question but couldn’t give a definitive answer. “I’m not sure. I’ve never really kept track. Although, it hasn’t been recently, so it’s possible I haven’t had it in a while.”
“Like what’s a while?”
“Well, I’ve been here for over three months. I don’t remember getting it since I’ve been here.” I said.
Josh looked at me, turning her head and nodding like she was waiting for me to come to a conclusion I wasn’t coming to. “And? What do you think?” I asked. “Flu?”
Josh leaned forward and placed a hand on each of my knees. “Sawyer, do you think there is any possibility that you could be pregnant?”
I almost laughed as I shook my head. “No. It’s not possible.”
“What do you mean it’s not possible? Don’t even try and lie and say that you and Finn aren’t bumping uglies.” Josh crossed her arms over her chest.
“If bumping uglies means what I think it means, then yes. We are. But I can’t get pregnant.”
“And why is that?” Josh asked.
“Because Finn and I aren’t married.” As soon as the words left my mouth I realized how stupid that sounded. I was reciting something I’d been taught at an early age. Something I never even considered to challenge. Except, if I’d have spent any time thinking about it at all I would have come to the conclusion I’d just came to in about twenty seconds. Not only wasn’t that true. It was downright ridiculous. “I know, I know,” I groaned. “I just realized how stupid that sounded too.”
Josh looked like she was contemplating her words as she bit the inside of her cheek. She spoke slowly. Cautiously. “Sawyer, I don’t know what you were taught, but it is possible for a man to get a woman pregnant without them being married. If you don’t believe me just ask my cousin Corinne. She’s got a baby daddy in every county from here to Miami.”
A pit in my stomach began to grow. I placed my hands over where I’d unbuttoned the top button of my shorts that very morning getting ready for work. I remember blaming their snugness on shrinkage from the wrong dryer setting.
“Have you ever seen an episode of Teen Mom?”
“Uh. No.”
“Let me ask you this. Do you and Finn use anything while you get down to business?” Josh asked.
Use anything? Like what?
I blew out a long-frustrated breath. I felt my skin tingling. A warning of impending feeling overload. “I don’t know. Are there other things to use besides your…you know? Your parts?”
Josh knelt in front of me and pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. She tapped my leg with each option she listed. “I meant like birth control. Condoms? Pills? Pulling out?”
“Not that I’m aware of,” I answered.
Josh sighed. “Baby girl, this is my fault. I knew you and Finn were getting closer. I should have had the birds and bees talk with you.”
“You use bees?” I asked, my eyes widening. “How?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” Josh exclaimed.
“Okay, that one was a joke,” I admitted. “But I still don’t know what you mean.” I was trying to play it off. Trying to make a joke of it all, but the reality was that I’d never been so embarrassed in my life.
“It’s just an expression. A pretty stupid one now that I think about it.”
I growled, hating that I was still so naive about the world. I thought I was doing well for someone who didn’t grow up in mainstream USA immersed in pop culture.
I was wrong.
I was embarrassed above all else.
Of course, you could get pregnant even if you weren’t married. Marriage wasn’t some magic fertility ritual.
“Oh,” I sat up. “I might be pregnant.”
I might be pregnant.
“It just now occurred to you?” Josh asked, slapping me on the arm with a folded-up napkin.
“Apparently, I’m slow at catching on,” I said.
There could be a baby inside of me. OUR baby. A life that depends on me. A spark of what I could only describe as unconditional love planted deep inside of me and with each passing second it grew until I was practically humming with love for this baby I hadn’t even known if I was really carrying yet.
“It takes two to tango, Sawyer. Finn was there too.”
Yes, he was.
Uh oh. Finn. What was Finn going to think when I told him that because of my stupidity I could be pregnant with his baby?
An odd sort of thrill jolted through me and I found myself fighting a smile. He’d said he wanted kids someday. With me. I took a deep calming breath. Which was perfect timing because the back door opened and Finn sauntered in, draping his sweat drenched shirt across the back of his neck and shoulders.
The second he saw me he knew something was going on. I must have had panic written all over my face.
“Shit. What the hell happened?” Finn asked. “What’s wrong, Say?” He crossed the bar and crouched down where Josh had just been. She stood up to make room for him, leaning up against the bar.
I covered my face with my hands but he gently pulled them away and tipped my face up so our eyes met. I shook my head. Embarrassed that even if I could find the words that I still wouldn’t be able to relay them properly. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
“What happened?” Finn repeated his question, this time to Josh and in a much harsher tone.
Josh didn’t crack joke or even smile. She remained serious, yet calm. Her voice softening to a tone I’d never heard her use before. I could tell she was trying very hard not to make me feel worse than I already did. “Sawyer hasn’t been feeling well.”
“Still?” Finn asked. “Stomach flu? Cold? I’ll run to the general store. What can I get you? Or better yet, we’ll just take you to the Doctor down the street. He does walk-in’s. Come one let’s go.” He stood and pulled me up with him as he looked me over for obvious signs of sickness.
I looked to Josh for help. Pleading with my eyes to not make me be the one to tell him. I was being a coward but I’d been so strong in other areas. I could bomb at bravery at this one little thing.
“Wait,” she said, tugging on Finn’s shirt. “Take a seat.”
Finn reluctantly sat and I did the same. “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Sawyer, doesn’t quite remember when the last time aunt flow came to town, but she doesn’t think it was this month,” she said. “Or since she’s been in Outskirts.”
I winced.
Finn’s entire demeanor became stone.
I cringed and waited for him to pull his hands from mine, but he didn’t. “Why didn’t you say something?” He asked gently, giving my hands a squeeze.
I felt my face reddening. “I didn’t know. I didn’t think it was possible. I feel so stupid.”
“Why?” Finn stroked my hair. When I went to put my head down again he wouldn’t let me. “Look at me, Say.” Finn was smiling, laughing at my wanting to hide my face from him. “Why do you feel stupid? Come on. Look at me.”
I slowly looked up. Our eyes met. “I just thought I wasn’t feeling good.” I pressed my lips together and paused. “And I didn’t think it was a possibility because...I thought…” I spit the last words out like rapid fire. The fastest sentence I’d ever spoken in my life. “I t
hought you had to be married to get pregnant.” Even I had to laugh this time. “See? I’m stupid. And therefore, I find myself to be very embarrassed right now.”
“Hey,” Finn said, his voice taking on an angry tone. “You’re not stupid and I don’t want to hear you ever say that about yourself again.” His nostrils flared. He pulled me from my chair onto his lap.
“Josh, can you do us a favor? Can you go to the general store and…”?
“Already on it,” Josh called from the front door where her purse was already slung around her shoulder. “Be right back,” she called and then she was gone.
“I don’t really know what to say,” I confessed. “But it would explain why these shorts don’t fit anymore.” I looked down to my unhooked button.
Finn smiled. “We’ll get you some new ones.” His smile dropped as he snaked his hand up my thigh. He made his way to my stomach where he pushed the material of my t-shirt up and placed a hand on my belly. “I hope you’re in there,” he whispered.
My heart fluttered in my chest like it grew wings and was trying to escape. That’s when I realized. I hoped there was someone in there too. A little person that Finn and I created together.
“I am sorry though that I was so naive. I should have known more than I did.”
Finn growled. “No. You don’t get to be sorry. This was entirely my fault because I DO know better. I do know how all this works. I could have used a condom. Told you about pills. But I didn’t.”
“Why? Did you forget?” I asked.
Finn shook his head. “No, I didn’t forget, Say. I’ve never forgotten since the day I lost my virginity at sixteen. Not one single time.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We belong together, Say. The idea of you pregnant with my kid is...everything. If I’d have known you weren’t aware of what could happen, I would have talked to you about it. That’s on me. But I still don’t regret it. Not one bit.”
“So, what you’re saying, is that this is all your fault?” I asked, looking up into his handsome face. I reached out and cupped his face in my hand, his stubble scratching the inside of my palm.
Finn laughed and held me tighter. “No. This is nobody’s fault. I don’t want either of us to think of it that way. If we’re having a baby it’s something to celebrate. This is fate. This is us.”
I exhaled and relaxed against Finn who kissed my forehead. “I love you,” I said.
Finn murmured against my hair and his words shot straight through to my very core. “Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily. Always.”
Josh came back in record time with a bag of several different brands of pregnancy tests before getting a call about a stranded vehicle and having to leave.
Finn stayed in the bar while I was in the bathroom, carefully following the instructions on the back of each box.
When I came out of the bathroom Finn set the timer on the stove for three minutes. He pulled me against him and whispered reassurances against my forehead as we waited. When the timer dinged he looked down at me. “Do you want me to check?”
I nodded. He was in the bathroom for longer than it would take to glance down and count the lines.
“And?” I called out.
Finally, after what seemed like eons, Finn emerged with a huge smile on his beautiful face. Tears in his blue eyes. He stalked over to me and lifted me up in the air. “Baby?” he asked, planting kissing across my eyelids and down my cheeks.
“Yeah?” I asked, breathlessly.
Finn’s smile grew even wider. He looked deeply into my eyes and whispered, “We’re having a baby.”
“We are?” The happiness warmed my body from the inside out. I was tingling all over.
Finn and I had created life.
Together.
Chapter 19
Sawyer
There is something about impending motherhood that creates a shift within you. A shift toward the future. It also brings out the most protective parts of you. I spent every waking moment thinking of how best to protect this baby.
I’d gone to the doctor with Finn shortly after I’d taken all the tests. The doctor confirmed I was more than two and a half months along which means I’d probably gotten pregnant immediately after Finn and I had gotten together. If I’d have found out any later it would have been my belly that would have tipped me off. It was like the second we found out I was pregnant it popped out like the baby got word we knew and it was okay to show people now.
Which reminded me of the other thing is something else impending motherhood changes.
It takes your current patience level and shreds it.
I was on edge like never before.
I was in the library trying to write to ease my mind, but only two words came to me. Protect. Defend.
I wasn't a real poet by any means, but even I knew that two or three words still wasn't enough to string together something that made any sense.
Frustrated with writing I gave up.
I decided to read the poem The Caged Bird by Maya Angelou.
Each time I’d read it in the months I’d been in Outskirts I’d felt either sad or angry or powerful, depending on my mood.
I read it again and again.
Nothing.
I sighed and closed the book. I reached for a rag and began to clean the outside layer of dust from the tattered cover. I might as well get some work done if I couldn't concentrate on anything else.
Maddy was standing guard outside. Since my mother didn’t require full time care anymore she volunteered to stay with us and help protect us until this business with Richard was over.
If it was ever over.
I really want it to be over.
The bells above the library door chimed, pulling me from my inner thoughts. Maddy peeked her head inside the door. "Josh called, said this one was on his way."
"Thank you," I said, grateful that she decided to stay on with us although I found it odd she still wore her pink smiley face scrubs.
In walked a young thickset man who I’d never seen before. He was in his early thirties and no more than five and a half feet. The gleam from the overhead lights shone off his completely hairless head. His clean-shaven cheeks were as round as the rest of him, giving him an additional air of youth. The sleeves of his untucked white shirt were rolled up to his elbows. The collar stained with sweat.
He looked around the room from the walls with a curiosity and wonderment in his eyes. He was adorable in a way I never thought an adult man could be.
I painted a smile on my face to cover the worry. “Hello. We’re not quite open just yet. But feel free to look around. Can I help you with something?” I asked.
The man looked at me and instantly smiled, showing off two bright white front teeth that were slightly longer than the rest. His voice was smooth and high-pitched, almost feminine. “Why hello there, cutie-pie. O.M.G. I love your hair. So fierce. I want to scalp you so I can make me a wig out of it.” He looked at the confusion I could feel written all over my face. “And yes, that was totally a compliment.”
“Thank you?” I responded to this odd yet wonderfully strange man.
“I am Wilfredo,” he said, holding his hand to his chest, bowing at the waist. “My friends call me…Wilfredo.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. His personality was huge and took up most of the space in my tiny library. “I’m…”
“Sawyer, I know. Joshy-boo told me. She said you reopened the