After I saw the cavalry from the church begin to arrive I spent the entire afternoon watching them set up their tent and unload their trucks.
I grabbed my boat and when I got close enough, I killed the engine and paddled my way under an embankment where I sat quietly, listening to the workers setting up the tent service. I hadn't heard much more than shouted instructions. I was about to leave when I heard the voices of two men directly above me, walking along the edge of the embankment just a few feet above my head. I crouched as close to the muddy wall as I could.
"Who is delivering the Lord's word this season?" one man asked the other. My ears instantly perked. My heartbeat quickened.
"I think they are sending Pastor Young since Pastor Dixon won't be coming until later this season. If he comes at all he'll be at least a few weeks behind the rest of us."
"What a shame about his wife. God bless her."
"Yes, but the Lord has his reasons."
"Amen. Family is the light of the Lord. His will in human flesh."
The other man mumbled his agreement and then they were gone.
Thank fuck. Richard wouldn't be coming, but while I made my way back to land so I could get to Sawyer, I was filled with unease. He might not be coming now and I knew for a fact Critter still had eyes on him, but my relief was short term because he would always be a threat. We'd always be looking over our shoulders.
By the time I made my way back to my truck, I hadn't realized how long I'd been watching them when I checked my phone. Five missed calls. Two from the landline at Critter's bar and three from Critter himself.
I called Critter's cell.
Critter answered with a gruff, "What?"
"The church cavalry is in town, but I overheard some of the workers. Richard Dixon won't be joining them this year."
"Good. My guy will tell me if he so much as crosses over the state line, but right now we got bigger fish to fry. Sawyer knows about her mama."
"I thought you were going to wait."
"Yeah, but Caroline had a moment of clarity and all she wanted was to see her daughter. I thought it might help."
"Did it?"
There was a pause. "No. Not for either of them."
The library door was unlocked and a single table light was on in the center of the room.
There was Sawyer, hunched over the table with a book underneath her arms, her wild hair spread out like the rays of an auburn colored sun.
I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief.
"I thought I'd find you here," I said, coming up behind her and leaning over her shoulder, breathing in her familiar lavender scent. "What are you doing?" I whispered, placing my chin on her shoulder.
She lifted her head, spun around and I took a step back. Immediately I noticed the tear stains on her face. Her swollen eyes. The redness of her cheeks. "I must have fallen asleep," she said, looking dazed and breathing hard. "I had a nightmare."
"Are you okay?" I asked, crouching down in front of her and taking her hands in mine. "I talked to Critter. He told me what happened with your mom. Are you alright?" I bent over and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my rough cheek to her soft one.
She shrugged slowly as if her shoulders were heavy under the weight of her troubles. "And then there was the bad dream I just had where you were...never mind."
"Tell me," I insisted.
She shook her head. "It's not important. I thought I was naive and that I didn't know a lot about the outside world, but as it turns out, I just don't know much about anything, including my past, including anything about my own mother. She's...she's alive, but she's not the same. Critter said it's something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I want to be happy I do. I just...I can't. Not yet. It's all too much."
There is more.
Guilt immediately washed over me for keeping the truth from her. She deserved to know it all. "Say, I have to tell you something," I started, but she interrupted me.
"I couldn't imagine having a daughter and just vanishing on her. Letting her think I was dead when I wasn't. Not even for a second." She grabbed her stomach, wrapping her arms around herself in a hug like the thought was making her physically ill. In fact, it might have been making her ill because she looked a lot paler than usual. Her eyes were lined with dark circles.
"I'm just really confused. I don't know where to place all these feelings. The anger. The hurt. The...everything." Sawyer turned back around and dropped her head to her chest. My strong girl who'd faced the devil with horns of her own was flailing and I felt helpless when her shoulders shook.
"Hey," I said, wrapping my arms around her. "You're right, you know what? When you become a mother to our children, I know that you would never abandon them at any cost. Because that's who you are. Neither of us would ever do that. But you don't know everything yet. You need to talk to Critter. To your mother and..."
"Our children?" Sawyer asked with a sniffle.
My chest tightened. Out of all I was saying that’s what she’d heard the loudest. "Yes. Our children. Together. Me and you." I cupped her face in my hand. "I'd like nothing more than to see you carrying our baby someday." And it was true. The very thought of Sawyer carrying my baby made my heart warm and a primal part of me want to pound on my chest and roar into the night. Since no precautions were taken, it was always a possibility.
Sawyer's smile was a tear-filled one. "Me too. Someday, I'd like that very much." The sadness in her voice made my heart lurch in my chest not being able to take away her pain.
I was holding her tight to my chest when she pushed away for a moment to pick up a familiar crumbled yellow flyer that had been shoved in the mail slot. I knew exactly what it was because Critter had shown it to me before.
This was Sawyer’s first time seeing it. In Outskirts, at least. I held my breath as she scanned the flyer. Her eyes went wide. The logo for God's Light Church couldn’t be missed.
"He's…he’s here," she whispered. Unblinking she took a wobbly step back, knocking over a chair.
I reached for the flyer. Needing to take it away from her like it could also take away the fear written all over her face. "No. He’s not here. Not yet.”
Sawyer stumbled again. She righted herself before using one of the bookshelves. The flyer still in her hand she held it up in her balled-up fist. "How do you know that? You can't know that! He's here, and I won't let him take me. I won't! You don't know him. He'll find me. He'll try and break me the way he broke her!"
Sawyer turned away but I spun her back around to face me. I crouched down, ensuring my eyes were in line with hers so she could see the truth in my eyes if by chance she didn't hear it in my words. "I know he's not coming because I went there. To the fairgrounds. That's where I was tonight. I saw the trucks come in off the highway and I followed them."
Sawyer took a step back, and this time I let her have the space. It was only a few steps although now it felt like a canyon between us.
"And no one could break you. No one. You're far too strong to be broken by weak minded people. Look at all you've been through and how far you've come."
"I won't have it all taken away from me. Not when I just found this place. Not when I just found you."
I felt damned awful for leaving out the parts of the story that were--as Critter would say--not my story to tell. "I went there tonight, and I overheard some of the workers talking. Your father--Richard-- isn't coming. Not for a while anyway. We have time. We won’t be here when he gets here. It will all be okay.” I said, trying as much to convince myself as I was Sawyer.
Sawyer scoffed. "He'll want his revenge for the money I stole. He'll want his revenge for me running away. He'll kill me the way I'm sure he'd always planned to kill me because he blamed me when she died." A look of pure panic crossed over her face. "Wait, my mother! Does he know she's alive? She can't know? If he's not there, then where is he? Where is my father?" She placed her shaky fingers over her lips.
I cringed at the next answer I had to deliver t
o her. "He’s not here. If he crosses the state line, we will know first. I’m going to protect you, Sawyer. I swear with everything I have that I will keep you safe.”
"But he could come here. He could come for us." She gasped. "My mother!"
"Your mother is with Critter right now. She's safe. I promise. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her just like I would never let anything happen to you.”
Sawyer shoulders visibly dropped until she straightened like she’d rethought whatever had her slumping over to begin with. "I'm going to go to the church," she said, marching toward the door. "I'm going to tell them what a monster he is. They may not value women but they can't turn a blind eye to all the harm he's caused. If they can use the Bible to justify their actions they can use it to see how wrong they are as well.”
I pushed the door shut the second she opened it. "No, the fuck you won't. I'm going to keep you safe whether you like it or not and confronting an entire church of your father's supporters isn't in the plans."
"I have to do something! I can’t just sit here like a cow in a pasture waiting for the butcher. I must act. I must get to him first. I have to tell someone in the church about who he is and what he is capable of!" Her eyes were wild. Crazed. “I feel like a caged animal. There is no escape. There will never be an escape.”
"Yes, there will be. But tell me this, what do you think is going to happen when you walk into that tent and accuse one of their own of things you yourself told me they may already know about. And even if they didn’t condone that sort of thing why would they listen to you? You're a defector with no physical evidence to back up your claims. Who do you think they are going to believe?"
"You're right." She shook her head. Her face was splotchy patches of red and pink over her smattering of freckles. Her shoulders deflated. She ran her fingers through her hair and tugged at the roots. "I can’t just wait for him to hurt us again. Not this time.”
"We will figure something out. We will get a plan together but you best believe I'm not letting you do something bullheaded and brave if it puts you at any sort of risk."
"But I can do this!" she argued. "I can go stop him!"
"No!" I growled, backing her into a shelf. Books clattered to the ground.
"We've been through this, Finn. Don't treat me like I'm fragile. Like I'm going to break.” She turned her back to me. “I'm not her. I'm not Jackie!"
"No. You're nothing like her," I said softly. Reaching for her, I gently grip her waist as if to remind her she wasn’t alone anymore and never would be again. "You're strong, my love. So very strong."
"Then please stop treating me like you don't trust me to handle this when I've handled so much worse! I've seen worse. If we make decisions together then help me make this one," she argued.
I tipped her chin up until her eyes found mine. "No," I snapped, trying to keep my tone as soft as possible so she wouldn’t confuse my assertiveness with anger. "That’s not happening. I trust you. I do. I just want to keep you safe and I can't do that if—”
"You can't what, Finn?" Sawyer asked. She held out her arms like she was waiting to catch whatever answer I was going to throw at her. "Because whatever it is you have to tell me, tell me, because I’m tired of these half-truths that have been fed to me my entire life.”
"I can't fucking lose you!" I shouted, my words echoed off the walls and ceiling, surrounding us in the desperation of my words.
She took a step back but I held her in place. I leaned down and gazed into the depths of her eyes. With all the determination I could muster, I told her the truth. Gentler this time. "I just can't lose you. I can't go through that again. Not with you. Not ever. I just fucking can't. Don’t put me through that. I won’t recover because I refuse to live without you.”
The anger was instantly doused from her eyes and she leaned into me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "You won't ever lose me," she said. "But you have to promise not to treat me like I'm made from glass or thin paper when I'm—”
"When you're really made out of piss and vinegar," I finished her sentence for her.
"I have no idea what that means," she said with a small laugh and a sniffle. “I was just going to say that I’m not.”
"It means that you're a force to be reckoned with. I know that, Say." I brushed off a tendril of wild hair that had fallen into my eyes. "I knew it the first moment I saw you on that road and it was confirmed when you came walking through my clearing."
She stood on her tiptoes. Craning her neck, she smiled against the skin below my ear and whispered. "It's my clearing too."
My chuckle turned into an all-out laugh as I picked me up and carried her over to a table. "I was right." I brushed a quick kiss across her lips. "All piss and vinegar."
I cupped her cheek and she leaned into my touch. Her eyes were still watery. Sad. My heart lurched in my chest. "What can I do to make this better?" I asked, swiping my thumb over her tears.
"I saw the tings tonight. The ones you'd hung for me. Right before the whole...thing with my mother." She flashed me a sad smile. "Thank you."
"It was just the truth. I actually hung them weeks ago.” I sucked in a deep breath. “I'd do anything for you, Say. Tell me, what I can do for you now? I hate seeing you like this."
Sawyer thought for a moment. "I just don't want to think about it right now. Any of it. I just want a second to breathe. To think about something else. To disappear from reality. To feel...anything else. Just for a little while." Fresh tears pooled in her eyes and I could feel the pain tightening in my chest.
Anger bubbled to the surface and I found myself clenching my fists to fight off this invisible beast of the past tormenting my girl from the inside out.
"Just take it away, Finn. Just take it all away," she whispered, placing her small hand on my chest and looked up at me with pleading eyes.
I sucked in a shaky breath. "Tell me, Say. Tell me what you want and it's yours," I whispered, pressing my lips against her neck right below her ear.
She trembled against me. The tiny hairs on her neck stood on end. Her quick intake of breath when I grazed my teeth over her skin made my pulse pound loudly in my ears. I trailed my lips to her jaw.
"I...I want..." she stammered.
"Tell me. Do you want me, Say? Do you want me to fuck you? Make you come hard that you'll forget everything, including your own name?" I threaded my fingers through her wild cascading hair. "I can do that. I can make your body feel so good that your mind can rest a while."
"Yes," she said on a moan. When our eyes connected, there was lust there as well as embarrassment at her confession when she looked away to her feet. Her face reddened.
"Look at me." I tilted her face up by her chin to make sure our eyes met once again.
She complied, but there was still hesitation in her gaze. Shame.
"What we do? Me and you?" I asked, pointing between us. "It's not shameful. The way we make each other feel? It's fucking beautiful. The most fucking beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Don't ever feel ashamed to tell me what you want. To ask me for it. I love that you want me, Say."
I took her wrist and guided her hand to the front of my jeans so she could feel for herself that what I was saying was true. "Feel for yourself what you do to me.”
She sucked in a sharp breath.
“You wanting me to take away your pain for just a few minutes this way is the most precious gift you could ever give me and not just your body. Your trust.” I placed a soft kiss on her eyebrow. Her temple. Her cheek.
Her pulse quickened.
“Thank you for trusting me," I whispered before kissing her lips until we were both moaning into one another’s mouths. Her soft pink lips opened for me and her tongue greedily searched for mine as I snaked my hand up her thigh into her panties. Groaning when I found her soaking wet and ready for me, but I still needed to hear the words. " I'll give you what you need. Always. Just tell me what you want and it's yours."
"How?" she breat
hed, craning her neck to me. Our foreheads rested against one another as we breathed in each other's air. I was ready for her. To be with her. Inside of her. But I needed her to say the words.
"Repeat after me." I held her gaze. "I want you."
"I want you," she repeated on a whisper. I saw the raw desire in her eyes and I knew it mirrored my own.
She trembled and her eyes shut. "Look at me," I demanded. When she did, I kissed her again. Deeply, crazily. Like my life depended on keeping my mouth connected to her in some way.
I swallowed hard. "Good girl," I praised, nipping her earlobe into my mouth. I traced my thumb over her nipple through her shirt and her back arched, pushing her chest against mine. I chuckled against her neck. "Now say, Fuck me, Finn."
My eyes went to her throat where I could see her pulse quicken beneath her smooth skin. She twisted her pouty pink lips. Her hesitation only lasted a second before she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down closer so that the tips of our noses