“You know, if you didn’t want to see me, you could have just told me. You don’t need an escape plan.”
I put my hand on his arm and squeeze. “Please,” I say imploringly. “This isn’t a lie. I have to go.”
He nods. “I’ll pay up and take you home.” He turns and signals to the waiter. “You know,” he says turning back to me, “you’re a hell of a good friend.”
I can’t even smile at that. I don’t know what I am to him anymore. But I know I need to see him. Sometimes a second chance comes to the other person.
***
Even though it’s been just a couple of months since I last saw James, it’s weird to see him again. Still, when I spot him at the Virgin ticket counter, the first thing I do is throw my arms around him. I let out a deep sigh and he hugs me back. It’s almost like old times. I realize that after everything we’ve been through, I really do miss him.
“Hey,” I say, pulling away.
“Hey,” he says back. He appraises me. “You look good.”
I give him a small smile. My hair is a bit shorter, shoulder-length and layered, and dyed black again. “Thanks. So do you.”
And I’m not just saying that to be polite. He does look good. His hair is shorter too, scruffy with lots of product in it, and there’s a bit more color to his face. “Did you go on vacation?” I ask.
He nods. “Went to Mexico for a few weeks in February.”
“That’s nice. Good for you, getting away and everything.” And because I’m curious, I ask, “Who did you go with?”
It takes him a moment to speak. “Penny.”
I smile widely. “Nice. You’re back together again?”
Now it’s a bit awkward, at least in my head, because I know the reason why they broke up. He knows this too but the way he’s eyeing me tells me he’s unsure of what I’ve heard. “Yeah,” he says. “We just had a little break for a bit. It did us good.”
“That’s awesome. I’m happy for you.” And I actually am. After everything that has happened, I don’t wish him any harm. It was just the way things happened. And I love Penny to bits.
Soon we’re lapsing into small talk, things that are safe like hockey and business life and crazy San Francisco stories, and before we know it we’re in the air, cruising through the dark night over the American continent.
Unfortunately, I can’t sleep on planes and this red-eye is pretty full. I’m in the window seat while James is beside me and some snoring Asian lady is on the aisle.
So I listen to music until my battery on my phone dies. Then I put it away and sit back, staring out at the dark space above us, the blanket of clouds below us.
“Steph,” James whispers. “Are you asleep?”
I turn my head to look at him. “Obviously you just saw me put my phone away.”
He shrugs with one shoulder, bumping it against mine. “Maybe you’re one of those people who can fall asleep in a second, just like that.”
“I think those are called narcoleptics.”
He nods, then his eyes brighten. “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t get us first class. I always thought that when I was older, I’d always be flying business.”
“Well it helps to have a business that pays for that shit. We’re more or less self-employed small business owners. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that much to write off, you know?”
“I know. Still.”
“Meh. We’re just trying to see a friend in a hurry. It doesn’t matter how we get there as long as it’s fast.” And I want this plane to be going three times the speed. But once I do get to see Linden…what do I say?
“Yeah,” he says softly. “Listen…I’ve been keeping something to myself for some time now. Something I don’t feel good about.”
Oh god. Please, please, please don’t tell me it’s him still in love with me, I think. I understand how egotistical that makes me seem, but I couldn’t handle that bullshit after what he just said about reconnecting with Penny.
When I don’t say anything, I realize he’s going to tell me anyway. So I quickly say, “What is it?”
“I know the reason why Linden broke it off with you.”
A flood of emotions come back into me. I try and breathe through them. “Why?”
“Because of me. I made him.”
I’m not sure what to say, because while I do know some things that I probably shouldn’t, this is news to me. “You made him?”
“You know, I thought I was in love with you.”
My eyes widen. Not because of shock because he actually had the balls to tell me. “Uhhh…”
He smiles quickly. “It’s okay. The term is thought I was. I’m not. And I wasn’t. But I wanted to be, because you and I had something once and it was something Linden never had.” Okay, that’s just the tiniest bit petty there. “You know…I told Linden, after you guys broke up, that I knew you two were sleeping together.”
He knew?
He goes on. “I told him that your friend Kayla told me. And she did. She was drunk at the Lion though, so it wasn’t her fault. I was feeding her shots and getting her to talk. The thing is, I always knew. The moment I saw you guys kiss at Sea Ranch, I knew. I knew the weekend before that when I caught a moment between you in the hallway. When you made that stupid pact. In fact, I think I’ve been more aware of your feelings for each other than you have. This whole time, I’ve been watching this show play out.”
I can barely believe what I’m hearing. “You knew the whole time?” I shriek and then lower my voice once I realize that I may have woken up the entire plane.
“It was kind of obvious if you were on the outside looking in. And man, did I ever hate Linden for it. Hated you a little too.”
“But why?”
“Well, I hated you because I felt like you just wanted Linden from the beginning anyway and had to settle for me. And Linden because, well, he gets everything he ever wants. And I don’t. And I was tired of it.”
“But you know that’s not true.”
“I know. But I was a jealous fuck and in denial and I needed a scapegoat, so why not my best friend, huh? And I knew you guys were getting together. It was so obvious. The kiss camera. The two of you disappearing at once. The way you touched each other, talked to each other, when you thought no one was looking. I was always looking.”
I shift in my seat uneasily. “That’s kind of weird, James.”
He nods. “Yeah. It was. And it was eating me up. I started to convince myself that I was in love with you. You know when we slept together at your store, that was just sex. It really was. Later, I just told myself it was more than that. I was more in love with the idea of finally having something that Linden couldn’t have. So I stole you away from him, just so he would know what it feels like to lose something.”
I feel like I’m being coated in tar, I am that disgusted. “That’s horrible,” I tell him, inching away from him and toward the window. “Seriously, that is a fucking asshole thing to do.”
His eyes are bright, almost feverish in the cabin lights. “I know it is. I was horrible. I am an asshole. I was the man I was accusing him of becoming. And I ruined all of our relationships with each other. But most of all, I ruined what the two of you had. Something I always wanted. And I’ve never forgiven myself for it.”
“So you’re going to New York because you’re sorry?”
“I’m going to New York because I need to say I’m sorry. After learning we almost lost him today, I need to tell him in person. I’m so fucking sorry. And I love him and I miss him. And I just want my friend back.”
As much as I kind of hate James at the moment, I see a tear roll down his face and suddenly I’m coming a bit undone myself. He fucked up, majorly. But he’s sincere. And he’s hurting as much as I am.
He quickly wipes away a tear, looking a tad ashamed and says, “And most of all, I want to see him with you again. You two belong together. More than anything else, it should be you and him.”
I sigh
sadly and lean back in my seat. “Yeah. But he could have fought for me, you know? He didn’t.”
“I don’t think Linden knows what fighting is,” he says.
“Maybe not. Maybe he does. But I think I deserve that. Someone to fight for me. To believe in me. And trust in love. Sounds cheesy but…once you have love, you have to trust in it. I don’t think he knows that but I think I need someone who does.”
He’s nodding. “Yeah. I understand. Look…I know saying sorry isn’t going to fix things. But I’m going to try. I know what I did was horrible and selfish and I was just so angry of being…of being nothing compared to him.”
“But you know that’s not Linden’s fault,” I point out. “That’s coming from inside you, not him. He has been a good friend. Maybe not the best at times, but nothing is so black and white. Life is grey. Love is grey. He just…I loved him, James. I still do. And I like to think that he at least tried to love me the best he could. He honestly never wanted to hurt you. You were always on his mind, you were always what he worried about. He’s tried really hard to be a good friend to you but we all fuck up at some point and have to make hard choices.”
He sucks on his bottom lip but doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he sighs pitifully. “I know. I feel like such a…a…”
“Big fucking baby?” I supply.
He gives me a little smile. “You know I always lament the fact that I had to grow up so fast but…I’m not sure that I did.”
I can’t argue with him there but I throw him a little bone. “I guess sometimes as you get older, your friendships don’t evolve like they should.” I should add, don’t be too hard on yourself but I want him to be hard on himself. I guess I can be a bit immature too.
“What a fucking mess,” he says.
“Yeah. What a fucking mess.”
***
Somehow, and I don’t know how, I do manage to sleep for an hour or two because when the wheels hit the tarmac at JFK, I’m jolted awake. And then I’m reminded of where I am, who I’m with, and who we are going to see.
Linden. My heart squeezes at the thought of him, lying in the hospital bed. I wonder if his parents are there – his brother did call James, which was a good sign – but I know they won’t be giving him the love and support he needs. I wonder how scared he was when it happened, how it happened, if he’s permanently damaged. I wonder if he’ll want to see me, see James. I wonder if this is the start of a second chance or just the final way to say goodbye.
Once we’ve landed, James is already texting Bram. He gives me a small, hopeful smile as we gather our bags and step into the aisle. “Are you ready?” he asks.
I nod. He briefly grabs my hand and holds it for a moment, but it’s friendly. It’s comforting. It gives me a little bit of strength.
It’s weird to suddenly be in Manhattan. The iconic skyscrapers, streets that look like tunnels because they go on forever, the vibrancy and life of the place. I’ve been once before with Kayla for a girl’s weekend, but it wasn’t enough. I still love San Francisco to death but if there’s any city that could compete for space in my heart, it’s New York.
The cab we caught pulls up in front of a brick hospital and we clamber out. I only packed for overnight, so my bag is light and easy to carry. We wait outside for a moment as James texts Bram again to tell him we’re here, freezing our asses off. March in New York and March in San Francisco are very different beasts.
Thankfully it’s not long before Bram comes out, striding toward us in a hurry. He is nearly the spitting image of Linden, except slightly taller and leaner, with striking eyes that are grey instead of dark blue. He’s got thick dark hair like Linden too, but the last time I saw him it was full of wax and product. Right now it looks a bit crazed, like he’s been pulling on it. He’s worried. This worries me.
“Hi,” Bram says, his accent somehow stronger than his brother’s. There is an awkward moment where it looks like he’s unsure whether to shake our hands or not. He ends up pulling me into a hug. “Thank you for coming, Stephanie.” Then he nods at James. “Thanks for bringing her.”
“No problem,” James says quickly. “How is he?”
Bram sighs and begins walking toward the front doors. We follow him. “He’s better. His concussion is wearing off but he’s still out of it. He’s high as a motherfucking kite. On a lot of morphine for the pain.”
“Jesus,” I swear, my fingers digging into my chest.
“Yeah,” he says. “He doesn’t look very pretty. Which is a nice change for once.” It’s an obvious joke but there is no humor in it. I don’t know Bram well at all and what I do know I don’t really like, but this is affecting him more than I thought it would. In some ways it’s good – it means Linden has more love and support from him than he may have thought.
“And your parents, are they here?” I ask as we get in an elevator with a nurse.
He nods. “Aye. They’ve been here. My mum is at home now, er, resting, but dad is down the street. I’m not sure if he’s having a meeting with someone or getting some food other than the bloody disgusting food they have here,” he eyes the nurse, “no offense, sweetheart.” He looks back and me and gives me a light smile. “But he is here.”
We get off on a floor of the hospital that somehow smells cleaner and looks fresher than the others and Bram leads us down the hall. Being the looky loo that I am, I can’t help but peer into every open door. These are private rooms that must cost a fortune but at least the McGregors’s money is being put to good use.
Finally, we stop in front of one closed door and Bram takes in a deep breath before he opens it.
I immediately want to cry.
Linden is barely recognizable. It’s not that he looks terribly mangled, but he has a bandage around his head, his face is bruised and scratched, and his left leg and left arm are in casts. He looks so small in the bed that I have a hard time believing it’s him.
But it is. His eyes are closed and he looks like he’s sleeping. I’m wondering if we should just come back later when he’s awake.
James has his hand at my elbow and is slowly leading me forward. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to walk.
“Linden,” Bram says as he goes over to the side of the bed, peering down at him. “You have guests, brother.”
Linden’s head is slumped to the side, his eyes are flickering while his breathing is heavy.
“Oh yeah?” Linden mumbles back. He still doesn’t raise his head or open his eyes.
Bram eyes me expectantly.
I clear my throat and step closer. I put my hand on top of Linden’s while I think of what to say. But it turns out I don’t need to say anything. He slowly, gingerly, moves his head and opens his eyes to look at me. His beautiful eyes create a whirlwind in my heart.
“Steph?” he whispers, frowning in hazy confusion. “Are you real?”
I smile. It might be the saddest smile I’ve ever worn. “Yes. I came as soon as I heard. We both did.” I move slightly so he can see James standing beside me.
“Hey man,” James says softly.
Linden’s brow furrows even more. Clearly we both were the last people he expected to see. “Hey.”
“All right, I’ll leave you guys be,” Bram says, heading for the door.
But then James is going after him. “I’ll come too. Come back later. Give these two some privacy.”
Well that certainly makes things a little more awkward. I watch at they leave the door open a bit and disappear down the hall.
I swallow and look back at Linden, at the glazed look in his eyes, my hand still on his. He wraps his fingers around mine, wincing slightly, and squeezes. It feels like home.
“I still think I might be dreaming.”
“No,” I say softly. “You’re not. James told me what happened, so we came on the red-eye. You look…what happened?”
He’s still staring at me and underneath the drugs, the lazy slant to his eyes, I can see him fighting inside to remember. “There was a
malfunction, I think they said it was an electrical short but I don’t know.” He licks his lips, breathing slow. “Luckily there was no one else on board. I was supposed to take out passengers for a tour. I work for a tour company now and it was a new chopper. So I took it up just to see how it handles. I remember the lights coming on, then going off, not far from where the airport is. I had to take it down. I remember….almost being on the ground. Maybe thirty feet. Then it pitched. I knew I was going down but…I don’t actually remember the crash. I woke up here. I saw the news footage. It looked like a flaming wreckage. I really don’t know how I got out of it, even like this. I’m lucky.”
I’m so completely horrified. He gives my hand a squeeze. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Believe it, cowboy.”
He smiles but then closes his eyes, tense from pain.
“Do you need me to let you rest?” I ask.
“No,” he quickly says, but keeps his eyes closed. “I just get dizzy. I have a concussion and the drugs are…the drugs are bloody fabulous…but it feels like I’m underwater.” He opens his eyes and stares right at me. “Please don’t go. Tell me things. Tell me how you are.” He takes in a deep, deep breath. “Fuck, I’ve missed you Steph.”
My eyes are growing hot. I don’t want to break down. “I’ve missed you too. It’s been…it’s been rough. It’s not much fun without you.”
“I’m really sorry,” he says, his words getting choked. “I really am. I…I handled everything so wrong. So wrong. I’m…” he pauses and exhales hard, his jaw clenching. “Shit. It hurts every fucking day.”
“Do you need more drugs?” I ask, searching around for the nurse’s call button.
“No,” he says, his eyes flashing, looking wide awake. “No. Not this pain. The pain I caused when I left. I had your love and I threw it away, like it was worth nothing when it was worth everything. I broke my own fucking heart and I broke yours. Every day it feels like there’s another crack inside me and no matter how much I ignore it, it’s not fucking healing. It’s not getting better. Steph...baby blue…I’m so fucking sorry. I ruined everything we had.” He closes his eyes and nods to himself. “I deserve this.”